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Pronouns are an important part of safe space laws.

Pronouns are a handy way of knowing what gender people are on the internet. In real life, they can also be used to confuse people and irritate bureaucrats who find themselves having to remember a myriad of weird letters and acronyms that are only tangibly connected to gender and/or sex and certainly nothing to do with the traditional male/female/hermaphrodite gender types. Some people think they should not be used.[1]

Origins[edit | edit source]

In the beginning, GOD existed, and there was only one pronoun. This was LORD/GOD. GOD saw the pronoun, and it was good. GOD was bored, and so GOD created the Earth and the heavens and filled them with annoying assholes. He sat down to rest on Sunday, pleased with his work.

But everywhere, all animals and plants were calling each other GOD, and GOD was not pleased. GOD arose from his rest and commanded, "there shalt be four pronouns, and these shall be thou/thee, ye/yo, grut/crak and GOD/LORD. Thou shalt only use GOD/LORD for your GOD.

And so it was. Each called thine brethren according to their pronouns, and GOD as GOD, so GOD was pleased with the harmony.

Adam and Eve[edit | edit source]

But according to GODs design, Adam and Eve were angry. They did not want to be called the same pronouns as the animals and plants, though GOD forbade them from using GODs holy pronoun.

Adam decided his pronoun would be he. Eve wanted her own pronoun, and decided on she.

GOD was meh about these new pronuns, and so they were.

The lethargy[edit | edit source]

Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit and made many children. These children made more children and these children's children were of sloth.

They did not care for the pronouns of animals and plants and called them all "it".[2]

They did not care for GODs pronouns either and called him after their fathers.

GOD was busy playing with his Martians and ignored the assholes on Earth. Indolence will be carried over by the day, said GOD.

The Devil[edit | edit source]

GOD was so busy playing with his Martians that he didn't notice Satan blip past in a starship and land on Earth.

Satan was cunning and saw the assholes of Earth were gullible. Said Satan:

"Lo, there are many Genders, and on the spectrum of genders there are many pronouns."

The people saw that Satan told the Truth, and so it was that there were many genders and many pronouns.

The traditional pronouns[edit | edit source]

1 2 3 4 5
thou thee thy thine thyself
ye ya yeet yood yoself
grut grunt crak bleb omnoomm

The ones your doctor knows[edit | edit source]

  • he, him, his, himself
  • she, her, herself
  • they, them, their, theirself/themself
  • it, it, its, itself[4]

Examples[edit | edit source]

Sentence with nouns: Jack drives Jack's car to the hospital, Jack's workplace, so that Jack can get to work on time and Jack's boss will not be mad at Jack for making Jack late. That's so boring, annoying, and repetitive, right? Read the same sentence with pronouns.

Sentence with pronouns: Jack drives his car to the hospital, his workplace, so that he can get to work on time and his boss will not be mad at him for making himself late. See?

That sounds A LOT BETTER!

Reference table[edit | edit source]

Common modern pronouns
1 2 3 4 5
e/ey em eir eirs eirself
he him his his himself
Wilde Wilde Wilde's Wilde's Wilde's self
per per pers pers perself
she her her hers herself
sie sir hir hirs hirself
they them their theirs themself
ve ver vis vers verself
zie zim zir zirs zirself
he she me we wumbo
colin xyro terezi anus fap
slash slash slash slash slash

There are hundreds more that even Tumblr has created.[5][6]

See/also[edit | edit source]

Foot/notes[edit | edit source]

  2. The ending of a noun was once related to its "gender", but these early humans were too lazy to unify the different endings of different genders. Therefore, by the birth of Jesus, they're left with feminine faces, masculine feet, and neutral bodies.
  4. Yes, some actually choose to go by "it". Other than a certain redhaired clown.