The Gingerbread Man

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"Birth of Fear", a painting by Claude Monet showing Gingerbread man being created.

The Gingerbread Man was created as an experiment in the evil lab of Ismovv Duckmann (see painting, "Birth of Fear" by Claude Monet, above). Duckmann wanted to increase the size of a gingerbread man cookie, but accidentally added a cell structure, DNA, a brain, emotions, a soul, and a few other minor errors. Gingerbread Man then went on a rampage destroying the whole lab and killing everyone. Luckilly, Duckmann managed to shrink the cookie back to its original size before he was killed brutally.

Childhood[edit | edit source]

Many people believe it was that Old Lady named Old Lady who created Gingerbread man (real name baz), but this is horribly untrue. In truth, Old Lady was actually very lonely so she decided to adopt a cookie. As it turned out, the only cookie they had at the adoption center was baz the Gingerbread Man, who was put up for adoption by Experiments Gone Wrong Rights Activists after his murderous rampage. Old Lady took the little guy home and called him lil' Gingie baz for short. At school, he was taunted about his height and was chased by bullies where he acquired his run like hell skills. After several years of torment at school, Old Lady became an alchohilic. She would spend her days at the local bar and come home wasted and beat lil' Gingie baz every night. At the age of 12 he had had enough. He put his only skills to use and ran away from home. As he burst through the door, a news reporter saw him and assumed Old Lady created him, thus the common misconception.

Escape[edit | edit source]

Gingerbread man's (he stopped using his nickname in his anger with Old Lady) escape was a very difficult task. Old Lady, despite being drunk, was a very fast runner and truly put Gingerbread man's speed to the test. Old Lady's age however gave her poor endurence, so she hired forest animals to go after and kill Gingerbread man after a while. The animals hunted their prey and that nosey reporter once again stuck her nose into Gingerbread man's business and saw that the fox, which was the fastest of the bunch was hot on his trail and the other animals behind. She once again assumed that these animals chose to chase Gingerbread man not realizing that that old bat Old Lady told them to do it. She also assumed that the fox killed Gingerbread man and the greedy sonuvabitch went and sold the false story to an author who made it into a book.

A Fight For His Life[edit | edit source]

The fox confronting Gingerbread man

Gingerbread man's escape did not end in that fox's mouth like the story says. He actually fought the fox after he caught him. The fox was tough and fast, but so was Gingerbread man thanks to his midnight beatings and bully chases. He dodged all the fox's attacks and even got a few in on him too. This battle lasted several minutes before the fox finally got him knocked on the ground. The fox was about to go in for the final attack, when all of a sudden Gingerbread man found a very sharp rock on the ground next to him. He picked up the rock and bashed it into the fox's head just in time. After the fox went unconscious, Gingerbread man continuously hit his head with the rock until it was nothing but a bloody pulp. The other animals were so terrified upon seeing the fox die such an awful death, that they ran from Gingerbread man as fast as they could. Unfortunately for the pig, he tripped and fell giving Gingerbread man time to get to him and murder him. After Gingerbread man's lucky victory, he ran to Hollywood to start a new life.

Acting Career[edit | edit source]

Gingerbread man appearing in "Just my Luck" a Disney Channel series

Upon arriving in Hollywood, Gingerbread man decided to get a job in the acting business. He tried everything avalible, from toothpaste commercials, to an extra in a made-for-TV-movie, anything to give him his big break. Sadly for him, this was harder than he thought because no one casted him in anything.

Movie poster for "The Gingerbread man" A movie based on the classic story

He tried day after day to get one small part, but he couldn't. Until one day he decided to try Disney Channel. Before he could walk through the doors, the desperate directors offered him a part. Before he knew it, he was the co-star of the new Disney Channel series, "Just my Luck". Well the shows ratings were so horrible, Satan, the president of Disney Channel, was forced to trash the entire show the day after the pilot aired, putting Gingerbread man right back on the streets. Soon after though, opportunity knocked again for Gingerbread man, when he found out that they were making a movie based on the book written about him. He tried out for the lead role thinking, who better to play Gingerbread man than himself?Gingerbread man did not get the part in the end, Russel Crowe did. Instead Gingerbread man was given a part as the extra, "man mostly hidden by a tree" with no lines and who was actually put in the movie so people someday might think there was a ghost on set and the movie might become popular. Critics found the movie plot, acting, special effects, and props were amazing and it would have gotten a five star review, but he review was lowered to one and a half star all because of the awful extra work of Gingerbread man. Every time Gingerbread man got the smallest part, the entire movie bombed. He soon got the nickname "One Star Man" and no one would give him any more parts. Gingerbread man's acting career was over almost as fast as it started, so he packed up and went to find more money opportunities. As soon as Gingerbread man was gone, Hollywood got back on its feet, producing high quality, five star movies.

Music Career[edit | edit source]

Gingerbread man decided that if he wanted to make a lot of money fast, without doing any work, the best choice would be to become a rapper. He went to "We'll Take Anyone" Record company to try to get a record deal. The company name was proven true when he got a contract. The entire song is below:

Run, Run, Run Written and produced by GB Mannn

Chorus:Run Run Run as fast azz yu kan,

Wut, wut, wut, wut, wut, wut, wut, HEY

Wut, wut, wut, wut, wut, wut, wut, HEY

Kant cetch me im du ginga bred mannn!

Wut, wut, wut, wut, wut, wut, wut, HEY

Wut, wut, wut, wut, wut, wut, wut, HEY

(Repeat chorus)

(Repeat chorus)

(Repeat chorus)

(Repeat chorus)

Problems With The Law[edit | edit source]

After Gingerbread Man lost his record deal, he was very depressed. He felt that the only way left to make money was crime. He was too scared to handle a weapon of any sort and had no idea how to get passed security systems, so a serial killer and an international art thief were out of the question. He started his criminal life by becoming a drug dealer, for he was able to get drugs from his cousin Arty, who owned a drug farm. As it turns out, Gingerbread man wasn't very good at that either, for he created public posters advertising his crack sales complete with directions to his hideout. Before long, the cops were banging on his door, forcing him to flee the country. Before he left, however, most are sure he killed Old Lady. She was found dead in her bed with her head beaten to a bloody pulp with a rock, the night he fled the hideout. The FBI led a giant search for Gingerbread man, but he was never found. Many people believe that he went to Mexico where he posed for paintings and computer generated art. The search for Gingerbread man finally ended when he hadn't been heard from in over ten years and people no longer feared him. However, some people suspect that the dead animals thought to be the act of El Chpcacabra, were actually slaughtered by Gingerbread man as an act of revenge on the animals that chased him and tried to kill him. These people have been transported to a mental hospital where they belong. If Gingerbread man is still alive, like some wackjobs believe, he would be 174 years old.

See Also[edit | edit source]