Arianators

Arianators are praising Ariana Grande to unbeliveable heights

Arianators are not just a fanbase—they are the devoted disciples of the cult of Ariana Grande. Obsessed to the point of worship, these fans treat every breath, tweet, and high note from their queen as sacred. To them, Ariana isn’t just a pop star; she’s a divine figure whose ponytail holds the universe together. Any criticism of her is heresy, swiftly met with an army of stan accounts ready to defend their idol at all costs. In the eyes of an Arianator, Grande is infallible, perfect in every way, and anyone who disagrees simply “doesn’t understand true greatness.”

Roots

The Arianators have degenerated far beyond the typical fanbase, evolving into something more akin to a digital cult where critical thinking is not only discouraged—it’s sacrilege. From the moment they pledge their allegiance to Ariana Grande, these fans are indoctrinated into a relentless, hive-minded group where the boundary between adoration and obsession doesn’t exist. Ariana’s every whisper is treated like a divine edict, her Instagram posts are holy texts, and her slightest expression of emotion becomes a seismic event in their world.

To be an Arianator is to abandon all semblance of self-awareness. These fans act as though they have a sacred duty to preserve Ariana’s untouchable image. They swarm Twitter and Instagram like a fanatical army, patrolling the internet for even the faintest hint of criticism and launching vitriolic attacks on anyone who dares question her perfection. Their devotion is absolute—any negative comment, no matter how small, is met with threats, insults, and a flood of GIFs, as if they are defending not just Ariana, but their very reason for existing.

In their distorted reality, Ariana is more than a musician—she is an all-powerful entity who can do no wrong. If she wears a controversial outfit, it’s instantly declared fashion genius. If she releases a mediocre song, it’s hailed as groundbreaking art. If she coughs on stage, it’s considered a revolutionary new vocal technique. Logic is irrelevant in the world of Arianators; what matters is the cult-like belief that Ariana is flawless in every way, and any deviation from that narrative is aggressively silenced.

What the hell is this? It's derranged.

These fans don’t just love Ariana—they live for her, their lives revolving around her every move. They create conspiracy theories about hidden meanings in her music videos, dissect her interviews like ancient prophecies, and even view her failed relationships as sacred parables. When Ariana suffered personal tragedies, like the Manchester bombing or the death of Mac Miller, the Arianators didn’t just offer support—they treated her pain as their own, weaponizing it in online battles to further solidify her status as an untouchable, tragic figure.

In their eyes, Ariana is not a human being with flaws and vulnerabilities—she is a goddess whose every action must be celebrated, defended, and immortalized. The Arianators have lost the ability to distinguish between admiration and blind worship, spiraling into a vortex of delusion where Ariana Grande is the center of their universe. Any attempt to criticize her, to point out a flaw, or even suggest that she might be a normal person is met with fierce, unhinged outrage.

They exist in an echo chamber, endlessly reinforcing their own distorted view of reality. In the land of the Arianators, Ariana can release a blank album and it would still be declared a masterpiece. To them, she transcends the very concept of perfection—they see her as an immortal, all-powerful figure who can do no wrong, and anyone who doesn’t worship at the altar of Grande is cast out as an ignorant fool, undeserving of even listening to her music.

Their devotion is not just extreme—it’s deranged. Arianators don’t merely admire their idol; they exist in a state of constant, fevered obsession, where Ariana Grande is the alpha and omega of their lives, and where reality is distorted by the sheer force of their delusion. To be an Arianator is to surrender all independent thought and accept that Ariana’s ponytail alone holds more power than the combined efforts of every other pop star.

Recognization

Arianators are pretty easy to spot, both online and in the real world, thanks to their extreme devotion to Ariana Grande. Here’s how you can recognize them:

Online Presence:

1. Social Media Handle: Arianators often have usernames or display names related to Ariana, like “Ari’s Moonlight,” “GrandeFan4Life,” or something referencing her albums, songs, or iconic phrases (e.g., “7 Rings” or “ThankUNextFan”).
2. Profile Pictures: Expect to see an abundance of Ariana-related images—her high ponytail, concert pics, or fan art—usually paired with a bio quoting her lyrics or professing their eternal love for her.
3. Flood of Emojis: Arianators love using emojis like 💍 (for "7 Rings"), 🖤 (Ariana’s aesthetic), and 🎶. Often, they’ll flood Ariana’s posts with heart eyes, ring emojis, and sparkles. The 🌙 (moon) and 🌫 (cloud) also make frequent appearances, nods to her albums.
4. Relentless Defenders: On Twitter or Instagram, if you see someone post even mild criticism of Ariana, you can bet an Arianator will be there in seconds, flooding the replies with GIFs, memes, and angry defenses. They have no tolerance for any slander against their queen, and won’t hesitate to attack dissenters with full force.
5. Stan Slang: They often use stan culture slang like “Yasss queen,” “wig snatched,” “iconic,” “legend,” or “we have no choice but to stan” when talking about Ariana, regardless of how trivial the subject may be.
6. Obsession with Charts: Arianators obsess over Ariana’s performance on music charts and awards. Expect to see tweets or posts like “Stream ‘Positions’ so it hits #1!” or “How is this song not Grammy-nominated?!” They often coordinate streaming parties to boost her chart numbers.
7. Fan Theories: They’ll engage in wild speculation over every tiny thing Ariana does, whether it’s decoding the “hidden meanings” in her Instagram stories or theorizing about her next single based on a tweet or an emoji she used.

In Real Life:

1. Merch: Arianators love to flaunt Ariana merchandise. This includes concert tees, sweatshirts with album art, hats, or phone cases. Her perfume line (like “Cloud” or “Thank U, Next”) is also a dead giveaway. You might even catch a whiff of her signature scents on a true fan.
2. Ponytail Power: Some Arianators mimic Ariana’s iconic high ponytail look. This hairstyle is almost a uniform for the most devoted, with slick, tight, gravity-defying ponytails. If someone is rocking an extra high ponytail that could double as a weapon, chances are they’re an Arianator.
3. Ariana's Signature Style: Expect to see oversized hoodies or sweatshirts (often paired with thigh-high boots), as this is one of Ariana’s most well-known styles. Fans imitate her aesthetic, particularly her “cute but tough” blend of fashion.
4. Conversations: If you overhear someone talking nonstop about Ariana Grande, from her music to her love life to what she posted on Instagram, there’s a good chance you’ve found yourself an Arianator. They’re also prone to dropping random Ariana facts into conversations, unprompted.
5. Concert Enthusiasts: If you’re at an Ariana Grande concert, the Arianators will be the ones crying, screaming, and likely singing along to every word—whether they’re at the front row or the very back. They’ll be posting every second to social media, tagging it with #Arianator or #Ari.

Weapons

Weapons of Arianators are the tools and accessories they use to proudly display their devotion to Ariana Grande, often in a manner that feels almost like fanatical warfare. These items aren’t just practical objects—they’re status symbols in the Arianator community, doubling as signals to other fans and methods of asserting their loyalty. Here are the iconic "weapons" of Arianators:

Their biggest and most effective weapon

1. Mobile Phones

Arianators’ phones are their primary weapons—used to tweet, stream, and defend Ariana 24/7. Here’s how they use them:

• Stan Accounts: They operate multiple stan Twitter and Instagram accounts dedicated solely to Ariana. Whether it’s posting about her latest concert or bombarding a “hater” with GIFs and memes, their phones are always ready for battle.
• Streaming Machines: Phones are constantly used for streaming Ariana’s latest albums and singles to boost chart performance. They’ll organize “streaming parties” to make sure her songs get maximum plays on Spotify, Apple Music, and YouTube.
• Instant Alerts: Notifications are on for every Ariana-related tweet, Instagram post, or news article, so they can be the first to comment with their praise—or to launch a swift defense.
• Online Defense: Whenever someone criticizes Ariana, they’ll pull out their phones to unleash an arsenal of comments, threats, and sarcasm, attacking critics with GIFs of Ariana flipping her ponytail or serving major attitude in a music video.

2. Ariana Grande Merch

Wearing Ariana merch isn’t just about showing support—it’s armor for the dedicated Arianator. The more exclusive or limited edition, the more powerful the fan becomes in the eyes of their peers.

• Concert Tees and Hoodies: Arianators love to flaunt oversized sweatshirts, tees, or hoodies featuring Ariana’s album art or concert designs. These serve as visual proof that they’ve been to her shows—often worn proudly and paired with thigh-high boots to mimic Ariana’s iconic look.
• Tour Merch: Items from Ariana’s tours (especially exclusive VIP or backstage merch) are prized possessions. Wearing one of these immediately boosts their status within the fan community, signaling that they’ve had a direct experience with their queen.
• Phone Cases: Custom Ariana-themed phone cases (often featuring album covers, lyrics, or her signature) are another favorite way to flaunt allegiance. Arianators equip their phones with cases emblazoned with her face or famous phrases like “Thank U, Next” or “Positions.”

Their second most effective weapon

3. Starbucks & Costa Coffee Cups

No self-respecting Arianator is caught without their favorite Starbucks or Costa Coffee cup in hand, mirroring Ariana’s known love for oversized cups. This accessory is part of their uniform, signaling both their devotion and their aesthetic alignment with Ariana.

• Starbucks Grande Cups: Arianators often carry oversized Starbucks cups, mimicking Ariana’s infamous love for giant iced coffee drinks. The “Grande” size isn’t just a coincidence—it’s a pun on her last name, which fans love to emphasize. It’s not uncommon for them to take selfies with these cups and post them with hashtags like #JustLikeAri.
• Custom Orders: Some hardcore Arianators will even order the exact same Starbucks drinks that Ariana has been spotted with, such as her famous soy latte. Ordering “Ari’s drink” becomes a part of their daily ritual, further embedding themselves in her world.
• Reusable Ariana Tumblers: If not Starbucks-branded, some fans carry Ariana-themed reusable tumblers with custom prints of her albums or signature phrases. These tumblers are often flaunted on Instagram or TikTok as part of their Ariana-inspired aesthetic.

Another weapon of Arianators.

4. AirPods or Wireless Earbuds

• Streaming Ariana on Loop: Their AirPods or wireless earbuds are always in, usually blasting Ariana’s latest tracks on repeat to keep up streaming numbers. They believe they have a sacred duty to make sure her songs stay high on the charts, so their earbuds are essential tools.
• Blocking Out “Haters”: When surrounded by Ariana “non-believers” in the real world, Arianators use their earbuds to drown out any negativity and focus on the only voice that matters—Ariana’s.

5. Ariana Grande Fragrances

Arianators arm themselves with Ariana’s perfume line, including her famous “Cloud,” “Thank U, Next,” or “Ari” scents. These fragrances act as both literal and symbolic shields, enveloping them in Ariana’s essence.

• Perfume Collection: Owning multiple bottles of Ariana’s perfumes is a badge of honor in the Arianator world. They wear the scents daily, and some even carry travel-sized versions in their bags to make sure they can reapply throughout the day.
• Cloud Obsessed: Her “Cloud” perfume has an almost cult-like following among fans. Not only do they love the scent, but it’s also seen as a deeper connection to Ariana’s branding, with its cloud-shaped bottle symbolizing her dreamy, ethereal aesthetic.

6. Custom Starbucks Name Orders

Some Arianators take their obsession one step further by intentionally misspelling their name on Starbucks orders in tribute to Ariana’s meme-worthy interaction with Starbucks employees. She once joked about how her name is often spelled wrong, so fans have made this part of their daily routine. They request “Ari” or even humorous versions of her name to mimic the “misspelled name cup” trend.

7. Fan-Made Posters, Banners, and Signs

• Concert Weapons: At Ariana concerts, Arianators arm themselves with posters, banners, and signs expressing their love for her. These often feature her song lyrics, glitter, and inside jokes known only to die-hard fans. These signs are waved high, not just for Ariana to see, but as a way to declare their status to other fans.

8. Social Media Troll Shields

Their final weapon is their own thick skin when trolling or “fighting” online critics. When engaging in stan wars, Arianators use endless memes, GIFs, and custom responses to ward off anyone who dares challenge Ariana. These digital shields (and swords) include:

• Reaction GIFs: A collection of Ariana reaction GIFs (flipping her hair, smirking, rolling her eyes) is their go-to defense. These gifs are spammed in the comments whenever someone attacks Ariana.
• Memes and One-Liners: Arianators have perfected the art of the quick comeback. Whether through witty memes or sarcastic one-liners, they are always armed and ready to throw shade at haters.

The Arianators’ weapons aren’t just material objects—they’re extensions of their undying loyalty to Ariana Grande. From streaming her songs nonstop to carrying Starbucks cups as a badge of pride, these items are used both offensively (to promote and defend her) and defensively (to shield themselves from criticism). Whether online or in the real world, Arianators are always armed and ready to protect the empire of Grande.

Specifications of Arianators

Arianators, the devout worshippers of the goddess Ariana Grande, are a curious subspecies of humans who inhabit mostly the realms of social media and concert venues. They are easily identified by their ever-glowing phone screens and spontaneous outbursts of hysterical sobbing whenever they hear a high note resembling Ariana’s voice. Their IQ is rumored to start deep in the negative range, and the most intellectually gifted among them have an IQ starting with a decimal point. Here’s a breakdown of their most... remarkable attributes:

Physical Attributes:

• Height: Ranges from 120 to 175 cm, but due to chronic hunching over their phones, their true height remains unknown. The tallest specimens are typically only two-thirds the size of a normal human.
• Weight: Varies significantly depending on whether the individual is following Ariana’s smoothie diet or subsisting solely on instant noodles during late-night Twitter sessions. The average Arianator weighs about as much as their power bank.
• Physical fitness: Universally weak and physically unfit. Their greatest athletic achievement is a sprint towards free public Wi-Fi. Any attempt at physical activity beyond moving their thumbs usually ends in a collapse.
• Defining traits: Pale skin, untouched by sunlight except on rare occasions when Ariana steps outside. Fingers permanently deformed from constant scrolling. Prone to squinting from hours spent staring at Instagram updates.

Intellectual Capacity:

• IQ: A truly fascinating metric. The average Arianator’s IQ starts deep in negative numbers, where most of the population dwells comfortably. Only the elite few reach IQ levels that begin with a decimal point, considered a pinnacle of intellectual brilliance within their community. Research shows that 99% of Arianators can’t add three-digit numbers but can flawlessly count every outfit Ariana wears in a day.
• Mental maturity: Arianators are feeble-minded and limited in their knowledge. Their mental database has room only for Ariana-related information. Most believe the world began in 1993 (the year of Ariana’s birth) and everything before that is "B.A.G." (Before Ariana Grande) — a time of darkness with no relevance to their existence.

Special Skills:

• Ariana Grande lyric knowledge: Arianators can recite every Ariana Grande lyric ever written, including her remixes and unreleased demos. However, they might think that World War II was an Ariana Grande tour.
• Social interactions: Arianators are notorious for steering any conversation—whether with family, friends, or strangers—towards Ariana Grande within 30 seconds. If unable to do so, they will abruptly end the conversation, claiming their phone is about to die (even when it’s fully charged).

Physical Ailments:

• Notification addiction: Exhibits symptoms of nervous twitching whenever there is no new Ariana-related notification. Studies suggest that 80% of Arianators suffer from chronic insomnia, as they check their phone every five minutes, even while sleeping.
• Thumb ossification: The constant overuse of thumbs for commenting on Ariana’s posts leads to a condition where the thumb gradually turns into a rigid, calcified mass — a phenomenon known as “Grande Thumb.”

Arianators vs. Swifties:

When it comes to annoying fandoms, two stand out as the titans of unbearable behavior: Arianators and Swifties. Both are known for their obsessive devotion to their respective queens, but while Swifties drown in an ocean of their own tears, Arianators struggle to string together coherent thoughts. The clash between these fandoms is less of a fight and more like watching two toddlers argue over whose imaginary friend is better.

The Swifties: Crying Since 2006

Swifties are the emotional support animals of the pop music world. Since the dawn of time (or at least since Taylor Swift started releasing breakup songs in 2006), they have turned their social media platforms into global therapy sessions. Swifties are professional criers, masters of sadness who can find a reason to cry at the drop of a cowboy hat. Whether it’s Taylor’s latest re-recording of an album from 2010 or a 10-minute version of a breakup anthem, Swifties will sob uncontrollably, creating a river of tears deep enough to flood Twitter.

• Special Powers: Swifties possess the extraordinary ability to connect every song back to one of Taylor’s 467 ex-boyfriends. No matter the context, they’ll find a way to interpret a song as a reflection of their own heartbreak. If Taylor posts a blank tweet, they’ll cry about that too—it’s a metaphor for emptiness!
• Physical Attributes: Often hunched over in a perpetual state of sorrow, Swifties carry the emotional weight of Taylor’s discography on their shoulders. While not physically weak like their Arianator counterparts, Swifties are constantly on the verge of dehydration from all the crying.
• Notable Traits: You’ll never have a conversation with a Swiftie without being told how Taylor is a lyrical genius. They’ll analyze every word of every song and convince you it’s the most profound poetry since Shakespeare (even if it’s just about scarves).

The Arianators: Too Dumb to Function

On the opposite end of the fandom spectrum, we have the Arianators, a group so collectively intellectually bankrupt that even Ariana Grande herself occasionally cringes at their sheer incompetence. Unlike Swifties, who feel everything too deeply, Arianators seem to feel nothing at all — except for blind, brain-dead loyalty to Ariana Grande.

• Special Powers: Arianators excel at spreading misinformation and creating conspiracy theories about Ariana's “hidden messages” in her songs (spoiler: there aren’t any). They’ve been known to mistake song lyrics for coded messages about everything from the weather to Ariana's favorite Starbucks order.
• Physical Attributes: Arianators are physically frail due to their sedentary lifestyle. The only exercise they get is scrolling through Ariana's Instagram and desperately tweeting at her, hoping for a like. Their thumbs are strong, but the rest of their bodies... not so much.
• Notable Traits: Extraordinarily dumb, Arianators lack even basic critical thinking skills. Their knowledge is limited to Ariana’s discography, and even then, many are still confused about which song is from which album. Rumor has it that Ariana Grande herself has moments of secondhand embarrassment when she reads some of their tweets, secretly hoping they’ll never be allowed to vote.

The Clash of the Titans

In the grand scheme of things, Swifties and Arianators seem to exist in a never-ending loop of misery and stupidity. While Swifties weep over lyrics that mention a scarf, Arianators cluelessly rally around completely nonsensical theories about Ariana’s hairstyle being a sign of an alien invasion. Neither fandom is really capable of winning any intellectual battles—because, let’s face it, neither side has any real weapons in that department.

• Swifties cry about how misunderstood they are, but they are masters of turning emotional baggage into pop culture capital.
• Arianators, on the other hand, just don’t know how to feel anything other than admiration for Ariana—and even that is done with an alarming lack of intelligence.

At the end of the day, both fandoms are equally unbearable, but in very different ways. While Swifties flood the world with their tears, Arianators flood it with pure, undiluted stupidity. It’s almost poetic in its imbalance—if you consider nonsense to be poetry.

What If they are going to attack me?

All of this is needed in self-defense.

How to Survive an Arianator Attack: The Ultimate Multi-Weapon Guide

It starts like a nightmare—a normal day, maybe standing in line at a coffee shop, enjoying some peace. Then, you hear it in the distance: Ariana Grande’s latest hit, followed by the ominous sound of thousands of furious Arianators stampeding toward you. Your crime? Daring to express an opinion that Ariana Grande might not be perfect. Now they’re coming, armed with phones, hashtags, and a blinding lack of logic.

As they charge, you need to act fast. Here’s how you handle the situation using everything at your disposal. No mercy, no restraint—these are Arianators, after all. There’s no reasoning with people whose IQ averages around decimal points. Time to take action.

Step 1:

The Arianators are closing in—hundreds of them, chanting Ariana’s lyrics and waving their phones like weapons of mass distraction. They’re forming a human tidal wave, and reasoning with them is impossible. Time for the trusty AK Series Rifle.

Specifications:

• Caliber: 7.62mm
• Rate of Fire: 600 rounds per minute
• Magazine Capacity: 30 rounds
• Effective Range: 400 meters

You hoist the AK, a symbol of raw power and reliability—just like the constant force of stupidity charging at you. As they approach, you fire a few bursts into the crowd, clearing out the frontline of fanatics. Their phones fall from their hands as they crumple to the ground, confused as to why their latest tweet didn’t go through.

Arianator Reaction:

They’ll probably cheer, thinking the gunfire is part of some incredible Ariana concert pyrotechnics display. “OMG, fireworks!!!” you might hear one yell before they realize this isn’t a concert. But by then, it’s too late—logic never was their strong suit.

Step 2:

More Arianators pour in, closing the gap. You’re outnumbered, and the AK isn’t enough to handle the massive throng of social media warriors. That’s when you pull out the M79 Grenade Launcher, affectionately known as the “Thumper.”

Specifications:

• Caliber: 40mm grenades
• Effective Range: 350 meters

A well-aimed grenade lands at the heart of the group. The explosion sends bodies and phones flying—Ariana lyrics cut short in a blast of shrapnel. For a moment, there’s silence. You take a deep breath as smoke fills the air.

Arianator Reaction:

They’ll think they’ve been blessed with some exclusive Ariana effect, shouting: “OMG, did you see that? I think this is the special concert promo!” Others will try to film the chaos, desperately hoping to be the first to upload it to Instagram. #ArianaThumperChallenge starts trending within minutes, with complete disregard for their mangled comrades lying in the wreckage.

Step 3:

The Arianators regroup. Smaller, faster, more nimble. You need precision now—the AK’s too bulky, and the M79’s too indiscriminate. Time for the M16 Assault Rifle, an icon of speed and accuracy.

Specifications:

• Caliber: 5.56mm NATO rounds
• Rate of Fire: 800 rounds per minute
• Magazine Capacity: 30 rounds
• Effective Range: 550 meters

You move swiftly, targeting the most aggressive Arianators. Every pull of the trigger sends another clueless fan crashing to the ground, still clutching their phone, mid-tweet.

Arianator Reaction:

Complete oblivion. They have no idea what’s happening. They might even think this is a metaphor for Ariana’s music being so powerful that it’s physically knocking them over. Expect comments like: “Ari’s beats hit hard, but this is NEXT LEVEL!” as they fall in droves.

Step 4:

Despite your efforts, some Arianators manage to close in. Their faces are lit by the glow of their screens, and they’re chanting Ariana’s name like it’s a battle cry. You reach for your Lupara—the perfect tool for close quarters combat.

Specifications:

• Caliber: 12-gauge shells
• Barrel Length: 12 inches (sawed-off)
• Effective Range: 10 meters

The sawed-off shotgun blasts through the mob, scattering them like bowling pins. The short, brutal force of the Lupara leaves no room for misunderstandings. Their phones clatter to the ground, shattered, as they stare in disbelief.

Arianator Reaction:

Some will still be confused, thinking you’re part of a new Ariana album release stunt. Expect tweets like: “Ari dropped this insane new shotgun single. It’s a total KILLER!” even as they’re bleeding out on the pavement.

Step 5: Tear Gas for Social Media Detox

By now, the air is thick with smoke and the ground is littered with broken phones and even more broken egos. Yet the Arianators keep coming, convinced that you’re the ultimate Ariana hater and therefore must be destroyed. You decide it’s time for some crowd-clearing tear gas.

Specifications:

• Type: CS gas (tear gas)
• Deployment: Canisters or grenades
• Effect: Temporary blindness, respiratory irritation, panic

You launch a few canisters into the mass, and within moments, clouds of tear gas engulf the Arianators. Phones drop as they rub their eyes, struggling to breathe. For the first time in their lives, they are disconnected from social media. You smile—it’s the only detox they’ve ever experienced.

Arianator Reaction:

They’ll scream in confusion, thinking that Ariana’s perfume is way too strong this time. “OMG, what is this? Ari’s new fragrance? It’s killing me!!” they’ll whine, even as they stagger around, gasping for breath. Ironically, the smarter ones—if there are any—will try to film their own misery.

Step 6:

It’s time for the final showdown. The Arianators won’t stop. Their IQs might be in the negatives, but their persistence is unmatched. You climb into your Ford LTD, a tank disguised as a car, built for both power and destruction.

Specifications:

• Weight: 4,000 pounds (1,814 kg)
• Engine: 5.0-liter V8
• Horsepower: 200 hp
• Top Speed: 120 mph (but who needs that when you’re rolling over pop zombies?)

You hit the gas and aim directly for the thickest part of the crowd. The LTD’s sheer mass obliterates everything in its path, turning Arianators into pancakes beneath the tires. The weight of 4,000 pounds crushes not only their bodies but also their delusional belief in pop music supremacy.

Arianator Reaction:

Even as you flatten them beneath the tires, they’ll still mock you. Expect things like, “LOL, a Ford? Ariana would drive a Tesla, basic loser!” or “Is this a new Ariana-themed ride? It’s soooo retro!” Their devotion to Ariana overrides even the natural human instinct for survival. They’ll film their friends getting run over and post it with captions like, “OMG, best experience ever!! Can’t wait for the next one!”

This guy knows very well, how rigged trials works. Arianators don't.

Or:

Naturally, you don’t want to go full Rambo on them and start shooting. Instead, you decide to take a more refined and “civilized” approach—arrests and a rigged trial. After all, it's not like they’ll understand what’s going on, given their IQ is often in negative numbers. Most of them probably think this is just some weird behind-the-scenes footage for Ariana’s next music video.

Here’s how it goes down:

1. The arrests You start rounding them up one by one. Luckily, it’s not too hard, since most of them aren’t exactly known for their athletic prowess. They’ve spent more time scrolling through Instagram than running, so they stumble around like they’re in slow motion while you casually collect them into the “Ariana Detention Zone.” They try to argue, but all they can do is scream “Yas Queen!” and spam Ariana GIFs at you, which, in this situation, isn’t exactly an effective defense.
2. The trial is set You quickly establish a courtroom, but not just any courtroom—The Supreme Court of Ultimate Justice (For People Who Don’t Understand What’s Happening). Naturally, Arianators mistake it for a promo event or a secret concert, so they arrive excited, snapping selfies and posting about how they’re "backstage at Ariana’s trial" with hashtags like #ArianaForLife and #JusticeForQueenAri. Little do they know, this “event” is actually a very serious judicial process. Or at least, that’s what you tell them.
3. The trial proceeds The charges are simple: “Blind, uncritical worship of a pop deity with zero room for alternative opinions.” Each of them is dragged to the stand, but none of them seem to realize the gravity of the situation. When asked if they plead guilty, most respond with, "OMG, this is, like, so surreal. Am I in one of Ari’s new music videos?" In a last-ditch effort to prove their innocence, they pull out their phones and start playing her latest hits. They assume the judge will be moved to tears by her "angelic voice." Instead, it becomes clear this only further solidifies their guilt.
4. The sentencing With zero defense (or coherent thought) from the Arianators, the court reaches a unanimous decision: Guilty. Their punishment? Death by hanging. But wait, you’re merciful. You give them one last chance to say their final words. Most of them, predictably, beg for one last opportunity to see Ariana live in concert. You inform them, with a heavy heart (and a smirk), that unfortunately, time’s run out for that. As they are led away to meet their fate, some still seem convinced this is all just part of a really immersive fan experience. You hear murmurs of, “This is gonna be the most epic Ari video ever! We’re, like, gonna be famous!” You can’t help but think the world will soon be a quieter, slightly more reasonable place.

As the last of the Arianators are led to their fate, the eerie silence hangs over the scene. You take a deep breath, surveying the battlefield of fallen phones, shattered dreams, and fans who had long since lost touch with reality. You didn’t choose this war, but you sure as hell weren’t going to die over some innocent comment about pop music preferences.

They came for you with their blind devotion and an unfathomable lack of self-awareness. And now, you stand victorious, but it wasn’t easy. No, you had to fight—not just for yourself, but for the future. A future where logic and reason prevail, where expressing an opinion won’t trigger an army of zealots chanting pop lyrics like battle cries.

You had to act. You had to defend yourself. Because there’s one thing you knew for certain: you weren’t going to be taken down by a mob of social media warriors, and you definitely weren’t going to let future generations inherit the collective IQ of a group whose intellectual foundation consisted solely of Instagram captions and fan edits.

The world may have lost some die-hard Ariana fans today, but in doing so, it gained a small, crucial victory for common sense. And as you walk away from the chaos, you know in your heart—you did what had to be done.

Reactions

After mass-shooting:

Ariana appears, her face paler than usual, clearly shaken. "So… I heard what happened. Some of you… got shot?" Her voice wavers, still unable to fully grasp the weight of what she’s saying. "You were… protecting me, but… violence? Really? I… I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about this. You’re not supposed to die for me. You’re supposed to… sing with me, smile with me. Not… this."

Her lips tremble as she speaks, struggling to keep her composure. "I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I never wanted this, I never asked for this. And now… it’s too late. I wish I could turn back time."

She looks directly into the camera, her eyes filled with sorrow. "Please… no more. This isn’t what love or support should look like. I need you all here with me, alive. Please… no more violence in my name. It’s destroying us."

After Trial:

Ariana starts the Instagram Live with a deep breath, her usual bubbly demeanor noticeably absent. There's a mixture of confusion and disbelief in her eyes, but she’s trying to hold it together. Her voice is soft, almost hesitant.

"Hey, guys… I… I don’t even know how to begin this," she says, looking down for a moment, searching for the right words. "So, apparently… some of my Arianators were sentenced to death? Because… they tried to kill someone who just… didn’t like me?"

She pauses, her brow furrowed, as if she’s still trying to make sense of it herself. "I mean, okay, I get that people can be really passionate and protective, but… killing someone over a comment? Over me not being their cup of tea?" Ariana’s voice cracks slightly as she says this, and she shakes her head in disbelief. "That’s insane. I love you all, but I… I don’t understand how it got to this point."

She bites her lip, fighting back tears. "And now, those fans… are gone. They were sentenced, they’re… dead. I can’t even begin to process this. I feel like I failed you all. I never wanted any of this. I would never want you to die for me, or hurt anyone for me."

See also

• Swifties
• Beatlemania
• Sheeranism