UnScripts:24 (television show)
| The following article takes place between 12:00 p.m and 1 p.m, on the day it was announced that the Fox Broadcasting Company had picked up a new show named "24" for the 2001-02 television season. Events occur in real-time. |
T-1, 2, 3, 4.....
A humble journalist arrives in a building as the article begins. The camera follows his 5-minute[1] long journey up the elevator to the a room marked the "executive office". There, he meets with the grumpy editor.
Wikipedia's "Original" 24 article[edit | edit source]
The Premise[edit | edit source]
24 is a lavish costume drama set in the Eighteenth Century. It has garnered many industry awards, and critics praise its unhurried pace, serene beauty, and highly plausible storylines.
The star in the British comedy-drama is Jack Bauer, a favourite of the queen. Kiefer Sutherland plays the monied Yorkshire squire, who is increasingly anxious to marry off his attractive daughter Kimberly so that she may have a protector against the Frenchman that has been stalking her for some years. The title refers to the twenty-four manly qualities which Jack looks for in a prospective husband for his beloved daughter. Jack is noted for his supreme compassion and kindness to everyone he meets, even if they are an enemy of his.
Characters[edit | edit source]
- Jack Bauer is an upperclass British noble. He is an unusually kind and gentle man. He is the queen's favorite at the beginning of the show, though his class slowly decreases as time goes on. He is renowned for his stupidity and ineptness. He often relies entirely on his manservant to get him out of whatever situation he has been put into, interrogating him for where the next banquet is happening. Renowned for his frequent uses of 'Golly Gosh!' and 'Son of a Mary, Queen of Scots!'.
- Tony Almeida is Jack's manservant. He died after choking on a piece of toast. He appears to Jack in dreams, often giving him useless information to delay him.
- Kim Bauer is Jack's daughter. A large portion of the show is spent watching Jack trying to marry her off to various other nobles. She is extremely intelligent, rivalling many geniuses of the time. She discovers Quantum Mechanics even before Newton discovered his physics. She was eaten by mountain lions in season 2. Twenty three episodes of the season were devoted to this storyline.
- Chloe O'Brian is a computer hacker, in a time where computers do not exist. This causes her some distress, and a personality disorder. She travels back in time using a time machine created by modern-day CTU. She spends her time trying to hide this technology from others. Hilarity ensues.
- Edgar Stiles is Chloe's assistant, widely regarded as the most eloquent character in 24 history. He dies after catching pneumonia from a shoe horn. Ironically, death improved his ability to speak clearly. Viewers faced a shock in season 6 when he rose from the dead, making it his eternal quest to get Chloe back from the mysterious Highway Man. He died 1 minute later.
- Lonnie McRae is the most popular character in 24 history. Widely regarded as a hero, Lonnie rescued Kim Bauer from, then fed her to, a Mountain Lion. Lonnie was so popular, he was given his own spin-off. The show was then moved to NBC and renamed the Office.
The journalist and his boss take approximately 10 minutes[2] to read the entry and stand still, paralyzed by shock and horror.
Meanwhile, the journalist's "source" has just returned from a trip to Fox studios to receive his "cut". It takes him 10 minutes[3] to park his car in the driveway and unlock the front door. He enters, only to find the journalist having lunch with his family members. Who, incidentally, look very, very scared.
The source reluctantly goes to his room and gets a plastic folder. He throws it on the dining table, all the while making a bitter but terrified face.
Seven minutes later[5], he and the editor are looking over the document with interest.
The Cracked Encyclopedia: Fox's "big" Project 24![edit | edit source]
The Premise[edit | edit source]
24 is FOX's upcoming new reality show where a camera crew follows Jack Bauer and his friends and family for one day in LA per season. Interestingly enough, Jack lives one of the most extreme lives of anyone. For example, at any given moment, he could be attacked by gargantuan ninja pirates riding flaming sharks while milking a cow!
The days also follow a remarkably similar pattern: one brown guy gets a nuclear weapon and/or tries to assassinate the president with plutonium-infused field mice, which is then followed by a large increase in Jack's blood pressure and some yelling and generally immoral and unflinchingly bad police work.
They take 5 minutes[6] to finish reading the piece.
10 minutes later[7], the "typewriting monkeys" or geeks working in the printing room have finished a substantial portion of the front page story.
Obligatory Randumbo[edit | edit source]
Chuck Norris LOL.
They head for the printing room and reach it in about 2 minutes. However, they take about one more minute to stop puking on all the dead bodies lying before them.[9]
A sexy female assassin walks up behind them. From her rubber gloves and the sub-machine gun she's holding, it becomes pretty clear that she did all this.
The journalist and editor look behind them, and momentarily forget that they're in a room full of dead people.
T-3597, 3598, 3599, 3600[11]
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ 5 minutes to ride an elevator? Must be a high-rise.
- ↑ So it took 10 minutes to read all that crap. Why do they even bother?
- ↑ You'll see how these 10 minutes work against him pretty soon.
- ↑ Just 7 minutes? Ooh! What a convenient plot twist!
- ↑ Oh yeah, he also takes 7 minutes to return to his office.
- ↑ 5 minutes? I wouldn't even have taken one!
- ↑ Yep. Everything went according to plan for the next 10 minutes.
- ↑ 3 minutes! How dumb is this guy!
- ↑ And that totals it to...3 minutes. Boy, that was a tough one!
- ↑ Do the math with all the time intervals and you'll see that an hour has indeed almost passed.
- ↑ 'Cause they're like, 3600 seconds in an hour. Capische?