Jack Bauer Facts
“A ‘Bauer-second’ is the smallest possible measure of time known to science. It is determined as the period of time between when Jack Bauer orders a Terrorist to, 'Get down on the ground, now!!!' - and then shoots them for disobedience!”
Throughout the history of machismo there have been many mega-bad-asses. You know some of them, like Darth Vader, Rodan, Norman Bates, Frankenstein, Jack Dempsey, King Kong, Samuel L. Mothafuckin' Jackson, Joe Pesci, Godzilla, Rambo, Superman, Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee, and even Tony Jaa. But among all super-humans, Jack Bauer is America’s most horrific terror agent. He's not even remotely an anti-terror agent, he's a pro-terror agent, plain and simple. He fights terror with horror. The only notable differences between Jack Bauer and the terrorists is that he's a "horrorist", he's way worse, and he represents truth, justice, and the American way. Which is probably why every other country hates America.
Earning well over 13 million dollars per season, Jack Bauer was the highest paid television actor and millions would spend 24 long weeks just to see what Jack did in one day. Everyone's life depended on the outcome. Bauer is different than Norris or Rambo, who are all about round-house kicks, brute martial arts, using a rattle snake as a condom, 50 caliber machine guns, eating horrible things, and skill. Jack Bauer is about apologizing to his partners for rendering them unconscious, and shooting people above the knee, torturing the bad guys, also giving his word, going dark, and fighting for justice while being chased by both the good guys and the bad guys at the same time that Jack's chasing them. And Jack shits on Martial Arts and his deputy, and never eats or uses birth control. He even gets repeatedly killed and resurrected, while neither Chuck Norris nor Rambo could ever survive getting killed. Bauer Facts are really quite a distinct genre.
Primary differences between Jack Bauer Facts & Chuck Norris Facts[edit | edit source]
There is simply no comparison between Norris and Jack Bauer. For example, Chuck Norris uses the Round-house-kick, a branch of Kung Fu - Jack Bauer uses OVER-WHELMING FORCE, a branch of Jack Dempsey. Jack Bauer can actually act - Chuck Norris is not acting! Jack Bauer doesn't consider sex unless he gets to be on the top - Chuck Norris doesn't consider sex. Jack Bauer is a cool-patriot - Chuck Norris is a red-neck hill-billy. Jack Bauer is All-American - Chuck Norris is 95% Red Indian and 5% Mexican. Jack Bauer Facts are documented, scientific truth - Chuck Norris Facts are just preposterous nonsense. Bauer says, "Who ever said you can't fight terror with horror, never watched 24!" - Norris says, "Who ever said you can't fight illegal immigration with round-house kicks, never watched, Walker, Texas Ranger." - Bauer's job is to protect the United States border - Norris' job is to protect the Mexican border. Norris counted backwards from infinity - Meanwhile Jack Bauer killed a finite number of terrorists, and counting.
Jack Bauer Facts[edit | edit source]
There are many Jack Bauer Facts, most are true, and some are just exaggerations, like, as if Jack Bauer would waste his time creating the Grand Canyon - just a tourist attraction - yeah, sure! BS! For Jack Bauer the only thing the Grand Canyon would be good for is hanging a terrorist over the edge to scare-out information.
In this article we will only list the true, bone fide, scientifically provable, and verifiable facts. This is an incomplete list because the complete list would require more disk-storage space than the Internet can muster.
Impossible to complete list of Jack Bauer Facts[edit | edit source]
- It doesn’t bode well for a character to order Jack Bauer’s death!
- Strippers tip Jack Bauer.
- Bullets dodge Jack Bauer.
- People die because they are not Jack Bauer.
- When he was on vacation, Jack Bauer only killed a few terrorists.
- Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that's how often Jack kills terrorists.
- Jack Bauer doesn't read your rights and arrest you, instead he lists your sins and executes you.
- Muhammad Ali changed his name back to Cassius Clay after Kiefer Sutherland changed his name to Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer beat the Mona Lisa in a "staring contest."
- Jack Bauer killed the dinosaurs.
- Jack Bauer has killed more people than cancer. They may find the cure for cancer, but they will never find the cure for Jack Bauer.
- Cher idealizes Jack Bauer because he CAN turn back time.
- Dubya Bush told us, "you're either with me or you're with the terrorists!" Jack Bauer told Dubya Bush, "You're either with me or you're dead!"
- Dracula wears garlic because Jack Bauer f**king hates garlic.
- Smokey the Bear says only you can prevent forest fires. But only Jack Bauer can stop them himself.
- Jack Bauer could’ve single-handedly won the Vietnam war.
- Jack Bauer solved the riddle of the Sphinx.
- Jack Bauer shot his first girlfriend. She was tired of being on the bottom during sex. Jack Bauer never compromises his position.
- Jack Bauer can catch nuclear weapons with his teeth.
- Only Jack Bauer can make disco cool again.
- If Jesus Christ were to hit his thumb with a hammer he would yell, "Jack Bauer!"
- America only lost the Vietnam War because Jack Bauer didn't fight in it.
- Jack Bauer defeated a brick wall in a game of tennis.
- Jack Bauer weakens Kryptonite.
- Jack Bauer stops forest fires.
- Jack Bauer found the last surviving dinosaur and the dodo bird.
- They were going to disband C.T.U. because Jack Bauer was all that was left. But then the government realized that's all they needed.
- Bauer shaves with a machette.
- Jack Bauer had the highest body count of anyone in history. He's currently working on breaking his own record.
- Jack Bauer shot at thin air. It died.
- Condoms and other forms of birth control use Jack Bauer as protection.
- Jack Bauer will survive after the cockroach goes extinct.
- Crosses and wooden steaks stop vampires. Silver bullets stop werewolves. Kryptonite stops Superman. People are still trying to find what stops Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer is the only thing that can stop the CoronaVirus. The cure for anything is Jack Bauer.
- The Ice Age didn’t kill the dinosaurs. It was Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer showed Cher he CAN actually turn back time. Even Superman admitted he can't do that as well as Jack Bauer.
- There have been NO terror attacks in the USA since Kiefer Sutherland changed his name to Jack Bauer.
- When normal people take LSD it alters their perception of reality. When Jack Bauer takes LSD it alters reality.
- In a fight between Jack Bauer, Superman and Chuck Norris, who will be the loser? Norris! Because Superman can fly away faster than a speeding bullet.
- In a fight between Jack Bauer, Superman and Chuck Norris, who will be the WINNER? Bauer! Because Superman and Chuck Norris are just made-up characters.
- In Koran it is strictly forbidden to make a likeness of Jack Bauer. There is only one Jack Bauer--as Eric Carter and "24: LEGACY" proved.
- Jack Bauer's cell-phone can launch ICBMs, extinguish forest-fires, as well as answer, "yes" or "no".
- Jack Bauer would have accepted Islam if it were not for the religion.
- Jack Bauer used to hire a baby sitter when his parents were home.
- Jack Bauer died yesterday. He recovered five minutes later.
- The most common cause of death isn't cigarettes. It's displeasing Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer still smokes as even the effects of smoking don’t affect Jack Bauer.
- Having Jack Bauer as an enemy doesn't end when it's over.
- Jack Bauer refused a Ph.D. (H.C.) in "Anti-terror" because he's really PRO-terror.
- The Indian "24" remake didn't work because even Anil Kapoor is not Jack Bauer. Which is why he died on the original "24" TV show.
- Jack Bauer can pass a square bullet through a round terrorist.
- Peace is not an absence of war, it's an abundance of Jack Bauer.
- When John Wayne said, "What the sam-hell you doing up here Lt?" he was talking to Jack Bauer.
- When Col Klutz said, "the horror, the horror!" he was referring to Jack Bauer.
- If you run away from Jack Bauer, you're just going to die tired.
- Anytime anyone in the World gets their ass kicked, Jack Bauer gets a royalty.
- As a baby Jack Bauer forced his Mum to finish her vegetables.
- After you make love to your wife she apologizes for not being Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer can slam rotating doors.
- Backup calls for Jack Bauer.
- If you are holding a loaded gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to 3 before you shoot, count to 10, that way you get to live an extra 7 seconds.
- Once Jack Bauer was being tortured. He didn't say a single word. But he got the interrogator to spill the whole beans.
- For Valentines Day, Jack Bauer cleaned his badge and gun.
- When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
- When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
- In 2nd grade, Jack Bauer sent his teacher to the Principal's office.
- If you are ABLE to read this then thank a teacher; if you are FREE to read this then thank a WWII Vet; if you are ALIVE to read this then thank Jack Bauer.
- If Jack Bauer ever told Iran to stop all en-RICH-ment, they would immediately become a poor country.
- Jack Bauer once told Joe Pesci, "you're a funny guy!" - and Joe took it as a compliment. Joe had better.
- There are two types of people: 1) those who fear Jack Bauer, and 2) those who are Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer once broke the 'World Record" - into a million pieces (and said, "Damnit!").
- Jack Bauer once shook hand with his anti-matter self. It gave him a paper cut.
- Jack Bauer stops bullets by catching them with his bare-hands.
- The reason 24 is called "24" and not "1" is because they never listen to Jack Bauer the 1st time round.
- Jack Bauer is alive and well in Russia.
- There is a compaign for Jack Bauer for President... Of The Whole World.
Conclusion[edit | edit source]
The "essential" Bauer facts have been nicely summed-up in the following quote:
“Jack Bauer can stick Martial Arts, and his deputy, up Jet Li's ass!”