UnNews:Controversy: Women In Prison Ordered To Take Shorter, Solo Showers

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5 February 2009

Wrongfully convicted Maggie Boyle was shy at first to share her shower with the tough leader of the Tiger-Cats gang, Jackie Spade - she will no longer have to.

Washington, DC - In a move that is generating heated protest across the nation, Federal penitentiary officials are cracking down on the traditional women's correctional facility practice of taking long, sexy, soapy, shared showers.

"These long, intimate, loving showers are a waste of natural resources," said prison official and killjoy Navin Poindexter. "Our water and soap bills are through the roof, and frankly, I don't see why these buxom women need to use shower time to caress each other lovingly at taxpayer's expense. They can do that [stuff] in their cells."

But Martin Graff, a local women's prison observer, complained that Mr. Poindexter does not understand the importance of these encounters. "The cell encounters are fine and good, but there are only ever two women involved. If you take away the showers, we will lose the multiple girl soap-and-water orgies that are so vital to the women behind bars experience."

Mr. Poindexter is also lobbying to eliminate the practice of employing brutal, pseudo-nazi, sex-crazed dominatrix dykes as prison wardens. "This is an outrage," protested Mr. Graff. "Poindexter is being a sexist, chauvinist pig. How is it that he can claim in our advanced age that women can not or should not hold these sexy positions of power and domination? Everyone knows, it takes a shockingly ruthless and massive-chested bull-dyke warden to properly whip naked, nubile, busty young innocent victims into delicious submission."

But Mr. Poindexter is unmoved by these protests. "These guys think the women serving time in our criminal justice system are there for their entertainment. Well, I'm here to say, we are going to run a tight ship from now on. I promise you that on my watch, these women behind bars will be the proper, modest, and well-bahaved ladies that they ought to be. If I have to beat it into their supple curvy little naked behinds myself."

As he spoke, a group of four scantily clad young prison-mates, the prettiest of whom had been wrongfully convicted, escaped the prison by way of a hastily and all-too-easily devised plan, while inept men with snarling dogs followed inexplicably far behind. After they beat up the pursuing men and dogs without breaking any nails, they celebrated by having hot lesbian sex in the fields just outside the prison walls.

Mr. Poindexter threw down his clipboard and grimaced in frustration.