Hey there! I just looked at this. It is WAY better than the current Astrology article (which I had nothing to do with). But it still needs work. Would you like my help? I practice real Jyotish since 1975, and thousands of people actually pay me for it. You are about the only user here who knows that I do. It's not my main gig. BTW: I hope you enjoy looking after Unnews. Cheers!--Funnybony 18:42, Aug 16
Sure. It doesn't need a Pee review, it needs a good editing and polish. For example, the very first para is beat (i.e., not funny) but there is a load of good stuff you have written later. If you pull it from Pee review then I'll go through the whole thing with you. Let me know. Cheers!--Funnybony 19:08, Aug 16
I'll allow that the better joke is in the top image caption, but I can't tell it twice. I really was trying to reword the existing article's intro to make it funniER - perhaps the joke needs to change. But I like the "poorly designed connect-the-dots puzzles" joke myself (yeah remove the word "celestial" there - it's superfluous). A lot of this really isn't my original material. You'll find that a large part of what I did was just reworking to try to improve the writing and presentation of the existing Astrology and (especially) Zodiak articles. But have at them - I'll remove the review request and we'll go to town. Oh by the way, there's a bit of vanity at the end there, and I'm not confident that it's appropriate, but part of me really likes it and I think it might work as a kind of exception here, though I'm not 100% sure. --GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shamelessnarcissisticAmerica-hatingliberalatheistaward-winningfeaturedwriter 19:35, August 16, 2012 (UTC)
Hi, I just checked out your version, and its definitely better than the current version. So if you don't find an admin to move the article, just edit your article, hit "Select all", then select "Copy", then go to edit the article in mainspace, hit "Select all", then select "Paste". Presto, rewrite done. Just a friendly suggestion. -- Simsilikesims(♀UN)Talk here. 22:57, August 16, 2012 (UTC)
Hey there. Welcome to the unnews posting. You probably don’t need any help. You should paste your better version of Astrology over the old version. If no one objects then you’re home free. Cheers!--Funnybony 14:04, Aug 18
I answered on my talk page, btw *drinks a sip* Mattsnow 04:26, August 21, 2012 (UTC)
Just want to ask if the god hates article is all that necessary? I'm all for agreement with the subject as I agree, he/she/it does appear to hate us - although, as an article it isn't worth anything. You did a lovely thing correcting my bad grimmer and speeling mistokes the other day. I just feel UnNews is meant to at least keep a level of humor up. Cunt is a nasty word still and people might be turned off by the news if they happened to click the god article. The site is about subtle parody of real news. I put the odd "fuck" in my articles but try to hold back from that language. My dad who's 71 said it doesn't need "blue" words in an article. I agree. You are doing a fine job as editor but AS editor you shouldn't have allowed an article like the god one on. Matt would have thrown it out as being "not funny". That's your job now Luke. Use the force wisely. No offense to you at all, I love the news and with some good editor decisions we can make it a friendly place for any age. 110.49.242.72 03:02, August 22, 2012 (UTC)
My computer doesn't stay signed in. Annoying... I'm ticklethekeys by the way. x
OK, so now you see those. Perhaps without me saying this you now see that the article is a parody of actual news - it is a form of satire called ad absurdum, and if you read the article carefully it is telling a kind of story as well. I actually consider what I've done there very high-brow comic satire, but it takes some careful attention to detail to see it. It's clear to me that you failed to grasp it, because the article doesn't say anything about God appearing to hate us, as you describe. The article is about the fact that people attribute hate for profanity to God (per the source article), so the author character of that piece just went batshit nuts about it. --GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shamelessnarcissisticAmerica-hatingliberalatheistaward-winningfeaturedwriter 15:55, August 22, 2012 (UTC)
Yes, I think I would have thrown it out. You're a much better writer than this. Not that I'm against swearing, I wrote some articles with it, but I kinda agree with Ticklethekeys. But you're the UnNews editor now, and you're a great writer too, it is to be expected that there will be some difference in the way you run things. :) Mattsnow 16:32, August 22, 2012 (UTC)
Just my opinion there, I thought for a swearing match it wasn't too bad, maybe I would have let it go, maybe not. It would have depended on my level of caffeine in my blood, my overall mood with my girlfriend and if I had a good alcohol level in, who knows what I would have done! My argument is I don't like swearing for the fuck of it, but you are the boss now, although I am happy to give you a "second opinion" on any fucking shit, as I tried to seek to on IRC when making a move I thought would ruffle a few feathers, such as userspacing an article or plucking a bird. 05:26, August 23, 2012 (UTC)
^^^^^Drunk editing lol. I see you are doing fine, those TV shows on the UnNews page are hilarious. I was trying to say it's normal we have different tastes, and also, sometimes you can think an article sucks, then read it again the next day and think it's good. It depends on your present mood I guess. Mattsnow 22:05, August 28, 2012 (UTC
About the above conversation... Let me start again. I love UnNews as a whole - (I like other holes but that's another story) The premise of UnNews is to be a place of Subtle Satire. Satire says it all without saying it all. The reader is supposed to fill in parts of an article by the pictures they get in their head - hence, they then laugh. An example of this is a great article by another user about Lindsay Lohan and the crash in the Porsche: "Despite doctor's best efforts, she survived anyway"... The picture I got in my mind was a bunch of disappointed doctors. Simple but funny. People are supposed to click to the news and not be quite sure if it's real or not. A standard is essential. If you are the full time editor I must inform people so only you touch the page. Useless if many do it. The front page remained the same for a few days so I wondered if you are still the editor. I will think of you as boss and chief etc from now - no problem with you at all. Quality articles in the right places and regular page updates is all I beg of you. Emperor Niquet - I am at your service. Hope you read this as intended. I am but a simple writer - who likes women as a whole. Ticklethekeys (talk) 02:24, August 30, 2012 (UTC) Daniel
As a very seasoned UnJournalist and Foolitzer Prize winner (2010 February), I believe you will discover that I am very well versed in the premise of UnNews, and a champion (read my articles) of satire in all of its various forms. Subtlety is my favorite satirical mode also. The satire in the article that was complained about is actually extremely subtle - so subtle in fact that you and others missed it, because you couldn't see past the over-the-top presentation. I can accept that. This one is an example of something similar - it is not subtle on the surface, but it is subtlely skewering the people who were whining at the time that she was selling herself not just as an athlete, but as a damn sexy one. --GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shamelessnarcissisticAmerica-hatingliberalatheistaward-winningfeaturedwriter 15:00, August 30, 2012 (UTC)
Write more like this one! You did exactly what I was talking about... "Don't you wish they skied backwards"... The image in my mind made me truly laugh! Plus you've mixed a sexy (fucking hot) woman and humor together - sort of creates an ironic feel which is great. All I can think about now is her ass. Oh and you dared to do what I do... put your own name in the article. Love writing in the 1st person, sounds more active like a running commentary etc. I will have a good look through your past articles. Dan 110.49.250.106 19:35, August 30, 2012 (UTC)
Chief, thanks for featuring this on the Front Page. I have tweaked your lede; my UnNewses tend, in the second paragraph, to lapse into providing factual background instead of humor. So I replaced some of that with a quip from later in the article, the purpose of the lede being to induce the reader to click and view the whole thing.
Having done an Audio for this, I added the {{InlineMedia}} template to the Front Page and to {{RecentUnNews}} to provide a link to it. I see the list of recent audios is gone from the Front Page; disappointing but appropriate, as the last time I checked, the list was entirely my stuff from 18 months ago, and I won't be doing Audios as regularly as before because of logistical problems. Spıke¬ 11:31 31-Aug-12
Yeah, some positively charged chocolatey coffee rodent decided to remove the recent audios when I insisted on the horoscopes going back up. I was advocating for two new sections in addition to the horoscopes to balance it all out, but he insisted audios was a dead department. In fact I did create a new section as a kind of proof of concept, but I ended up really liking it (TV Highlights) so I replaced the comics, which I felt were kind of played out. Maybe if you (or anyone else) are going to revive the audios, I'll go back to advocating for the three new sections, restoring audios and comics and maybe adding UnMagazine. Anyway - really great article. Impressive how you updid a rather dull one like that. Go get yourself a donut from the box in my office. --GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shamelessnarcissisticAmerica-hatingliberalatheistaward-winningfeaturedwriter 16:10, August 31, 2012 (UTC)
A couple users have wanted audios to be a dead department since the days when I was doing three a week. TV Highlights is fine, provided they are updated from time to time. The comics had been unmanned for years, were mostly about Richard Nixon, and their creator's taste always ran to the odd over the funny. Thanks for the donut. But that other guy always had Absinthe. Spıke¬ 18:15 31-Aug-12
Heya there G-T, good hustle with the taking care of UnNews and stuff, but when you add the blurbs to the lead templates could you only include one or two sentences max instead of entire paragraphs? Leave a lil something to the imagination to hook them readers in, yo. --TKFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK 22:21, September 4, 2012 (UTC)
Hey girlfriends! This week the UnSignpost puts the "Queen" in "Drama Queen" as it discusses the issues which are literally the bomb.
The biggest bomb this week, besides how darling our UnSignpost correspondents look in their new outfits, is that Zombiebaron wants the wiki to improve, this means deleting most of it and playing trivia on IRC. The bigger news is that PoofyOnTheRadio also wants the wiki to improve, this means not playing trivia on IRC and sending editors out onto the internet in order to sell their bodies to Google in the hopes that this will increase traffic to the wiki.
These squabbles are ultimately self-defeating, while we are arguing amongst ourselves whether or not we ought to change the beginner's guide into an 20 minute video and a fireworks display we still haven't managed to do anything. What we have decided is that articles can be deleted with less than +5 votes to delete and that RAHB is very good at trivia if nothing else.
The other big news from weeks ago is that Mattsnow has stopped being in charge of UnNews after a period of however long it is he has been doing that. Shabidoo who loves to do "zany" stuff so he can get into the UnSignpost, has created an extra forum to ensure that absolutely nobody thanks Mattsnow and instead demonstrates just how hilarious they are. Congratulations to Zombiebaron who came out with the completely obvious joke before anyone else.
Remember the heady days of two weeks ago when we told you all to feel very bad because VFH didn't have enough nominations. Well forget that because now it does and we can move our sensationalist bandwagon elsewhere. Where better to send it than Pee review, currently known as the namespace that isn't a namespace that time forgot. Five reviews for the entire month of August demonstrates that nobody really seems particularly interested in assisting the review process.
It might take a little while to do a Pee Review but there is a reason we have the space. It is of particular concern as we have a list of people who are supposed to be doing reviews at least once a month, myself included. Where are we? Who knows, but we certainly aren't perusing the list of articles awaiting review. Let's go over there! Let's bring Thekillerfroggy who can put a stern template at the top of the page and insist that this is hugely important to the wiki, guess what.... IT IS!!!
Also there is likely to be a new VFS this month, bring on the voting, it makes everything better!
A tremendous waste of everybody's time please Carol
Ever since 2008, Uncyclopedia has had a tradition of counting to a million. Started by Spang, this tradition has been going on for nearly five years. However, recently the question was asked relating to the value of the forum, with users complaining that it was "completely devoid of humor" and that it turns smart users into idiots.
After mass protest (okay, not really) from the contributors of the thread and from someone else, said users commented on the forum saying that counting to a million is why so many articles supposedly suck nowadays and it's also why VFH is completely empty. It has also been stated that only idiots would do it.
So now I'm attempting to answer it as quickly as I can: that's the point. We're idiots and we know that we're never going to make it to a million, but we want to see how close we can get anyway.
So if you are the type of idiot that would write for Uncyclopedia, feel free to assist us in our count to one million, or close to.
03:08, August 30, 2012 Lee Harvey Osmond (talk | contribs) blocked 95.233.217.65 (talk) with an expiry time of infinite (if i were confident that you understood english, i'd say something naughty)
21:56, August 29, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 212.183.128.49 (talk) with an expiry time of 3 days (Caring about football... that's actually a life sentence when you think about it.)
00:03, August 30, 2012 RAHB (talk | contribs) blocked 76.178.53.110 (talk) with an expiry time of 3 months (Stay away from theatres, you thespian!)
19:02, September 3, 2012 RAHB (talk | contribs) blocked 86.151.117.175 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (lol blacks. They're almost as bad as Jews.)
02:32, August 29, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) blocked Roccohene (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Gambling is a sin, but Jesus still loves you. Visit your local church and repent today!)
Biopic of the Week
We haven't put the UnSignpost Dog in the UnSignpost for ages, so now we have.
Since the dawn of time, Man has been responsible for creating his own entertainment. The ingenuity of the human mind has given us cock fighting, badger baiting, pogroms and, most consistently popular, WAR.
Rarely has there been a time when man has not taken pleasure from smiting other men with the jaw-bone of an ass, or amused his friends by firing Phosphorus missiles into crowded population centres. But not all wars are the same, so just which wars did we enjoy the most?
Over the centuries Historians have struggled to find consensus on just how to measure the popularity of wars and this dispute itself led to the so called “Wussy War” of 1952 when Professor AJP Taylor triumphed over the forces of Noam Chomsky.
You move it with the button atop the page, and in the "new title" box, you write: User:Joe9320/UnNews:NASA discovers Hot Dogs in Space Done! Don't fargett to tell the user in a nice way that it would need more work on his talk page though. :P Mattsnow 00:35, September 8, 2012 (UTC)
Just take the redirect to qvfd lol. Mattsnow 21:57, September 8, 2012 (UTC)
I think the function of the new and very helpful pulldown menu is to type the desired prefix for you. Your mistake was in also typing the prefix for yourself. My guess is that it will work if you do either one or the other; if you type User:Joe9320/pagename into "mainspace," it will result in a page name that nevertheless is in userspace. Spıke¬ 11:33 9-Sep-12
I have absolutely have not give a damn about my article. So please, delete it. After a few days it becomes old. So next time, I'll do the whole stoner guy thing instead. |Si PlebiusDato'Joeang PinoyCUN|ICKill| 07:55, September 8, 2012 (UTC)
Mine hurts too. In the days before the UnNews Style Guide was made light, breezy, and useless, we used to specify that states of the US or provinces of Canada in UnNews datelines didn't need further clarification. Spıke¬ 17:46 8-Sep-12
That can work too. I don't care which way we go, I just want to strive for consistency and I think someone mentioned that because we are all global and whatnot, it should be there. Now that I think about it, it's obvious without the country the way you describe. But do we alienate or offend those odd people on that little island where they talk funny english over there in Europe by doing that? Does anyone care? --GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shamelessnarcissisticAmerica-hatingliberalatheistaward-winningfeaturedwriter 17:57, September 8, 2012 (UTC)
It is not only obvious without "USA," but you would not find any "legitimate" news outlet that found it necessary to specify where Tampa, Florida is, even to British readers. In addition, two years ago the Style Guide used to specify that carrying this joke further (Tampa, Florida, USA, North America, Earth, Solar System, Alpha Quadrant, Milky Way, Universe) was not to be done. I am all for consistency, and the best way to achieve it, and even get your correspondents to help, is to set it out in writing. Regarding insulting those quaint islanders, I wouldn't mind if the counties of England got the same concession; a dateline of "Reading, Berkshire" seems realistic to me if the story quickly clarifies for American dolts that it is about England. Spıke¬ 11:30 9-Sep-12
Chief, I am sometimes guilty of advocacy, but yours here is independent of yucks. "This week you will finally realize that your beloved Tea Party was being duped all along by a pair of sneering rich brothers out to destroy the country for their own personal gain, and then pigs will fly out of my ass." This is Koch-brothers dog-whistle stuff. The assertion that involvement in politics (on the side other than yours) necessarily screws everyone else is debatable (only, the debate belongs somewhere else). And the suggestion that the reader will realize what is happening only when pigs fly out of your ass also insults him. I don't know and won't know what you intend to do with this horoscope, but I repeat my advice that you keep it light and even-handed in matters of politics, religions, and races. Spıke¬ 00:38 22-Sep-12
I have about 47 weeks of horoscopes written. That's 564 jokes, a large percentage of which I have gotten positive feedback about. Also, most of them insult the reader in one way or another. That one you point out is just one of many, and it's what it is. If you don't like it, there are literally hundreds others you can enjoy, the vast majority of which are completely apolitical. So I think perhaps I am not remiss in respectfully asking you to lighten up a bit about this problem you have with personal bias that you individually struggle to find funny. I can find a hundred people who do find that one hilarious, all of them angry liberals of course, and even probably a thousand if I go a step or two closer to Kevin Bacon. Please - this isn't your political forum. If something is funny to 40% of the people out there, I feel I have succeeded, even if it hurts some feelings or rubs some the wrong way. My plans for this and every other horoscope is by and large to try to be funny, and occasionaly I'll throw bones to my lefty brethren. But I even made skewering fun of Obama (Sagittarius) once when I despised his actions, and this is entirely appropriate. So please... lighten up. Thank you. --GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shamelessnarcissisticAmerica-hatingliberalatheistaward-winningfeaturedwriter 00:58, September 22, 2012 (UTC)
And just for the record, I am fair and balanced - I will never ever ever tell you or anyone else not to satirize religion, politics or race, from any bias or angle. Certainly you must agree that Uncyclopedia is not only not a place for people sensitive to those things, but also is a place where a satirist can explore them freely. --GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shamelessnarcissisticAmerica-hatingliberalatheistaward-winningfeaturedwriter 01:01, September 22, 2012 (UTC)
Please. I would be happy if I found an article of a current event to satirize. Then I can move to Cracked.com. |Si PlebiusDato'Joeang PinoyCUN|ICKill| 11:25, September 23, 2012 (UTC)
Joe, if you will look up the December 2010 version of UnNews:Style (before the start of the campaign to make the document "a little less fascist"), you'll see a variety of ways to convert current events into satire. Reading any wire story with that in mind should lead to a variety of entertaining angles. Spıke¬ 17:18 23-Sep-12
Everyone must move from here to somewhere--At least, lately they don't seem to be sticking around here. Rereading Joe's question, if what he's asking is where to find the straight articles to begin with, I like myway.com as an unobtrusive way to gain access to wire stories. Spıke¬ 11:09 24-Sep-12
If you are really my leftie counterpart here, I have two favors to ask:
On Uncyclopedia:VFH/UnNews:Riots spread across Arabia protesting American cinema--I nominated this recent UnNews of mine, after the previous nomination was featured, based on your praise of it on my talk page. But now Matt Lobster has a No vote which (if not just general snippiness) may be saying that this UnNews is an exact example of the apparent advocacy I've recently campaigned against in the Forum. Would you please re-read and see if you think he has a point? Regardless of what I believe, does it seem that I am primarily putting down the Administration rather than primarily having fun? I thought it was sufficiently light-hearted, but parts of it I have now heard from several conservative "funny men" who were not interested in using it to get laughs.
On my new Talk radio, could you suggest a few additional directions in which to take it? Spıke¬ 16:08 24-Sep-12
I'll have a second look in a bit, but as you might have known, my first reaction to your statement is, if you are primarily putting down the administration, then as long as it's funny, I have no problem with it. Having fun is not more important than making fun of something you find ridiulous, even in anger or frustration. It's healthy. But I know that you feel differently and I respect that, so I'll give you an honest opinion. Your satire is really excellent and my yes vote is purely based on that - if he is voting you down for the reason you state then his vote should be discounted in a perfect world - VFH votes should obviously never be personal outside of personal taste for humor. --GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shamelessnarcissisticAmerica-hatingliberalatheistaward-winningfeaturedwriter 18:26, September 24, 2012 (UTC)
Mmm, yes, this may be difficult, as you have not just a different political view but a different humor threshold. I had great fun writing that UnNews, but the key in my mind (especially on VFH) is whether the reader will have fun reading it. Part of it reads a lot like a witty Limbaugh monologue, but part of it is really about F Troop and Pollyanna, like Hillary's view of "first aid"--and Romney is there as just as big a dufus. At any rate, I'll welcome a second opinion. Spıke¬ 19:56 24-Sep-12
OK well, regarding your question about the article, I reread it carefully with that consideration, and I can see how someone might feel the way you fear Matt Lobster is, but I don't know - they would really have to be overly sensitive about it in my view. His comment on the vote is cryptic to me - did you discuss this with him, or are you just concerned he might be thinking that? Anyway, by making sure you appear to be actual news you generally do a good job avoiding that type of author character in most of your articles. However in this piece, there is a bit of a sense of an author-character bias. There are a number of instances where the same joke can be told using a more neutral point of view simply by changing the language to attribute rather than state. When The Onion is looking to present this, I find that there are attributive statements to tell their jokes as opposed to faux-factual statements.
Here's a good example I think regarding this concern: "At least one of these assertions is a blatant lie" as opposed to "At least one of these assertions has been identified by observers as a blatant lie" - it's simple things like that; the passive voice exonerates your author. Of course "Secretary of Snake" and "Ben-Gay or Benghazi or..." unattributed to Romney and in fact almost attributed to the writer (?) also doesn't help the NPOV effort. I love this joke: "which Libyan peasants carry at all times" - and I would not change it. But it is another example of something that makes the writer the joke teller - an NPOV version of this would be "which Libyan peasants reportedly carry at all times". That said, I think the way you tell it is funnier. This is a great example of what I mean that I think you are striving for. I scoured this article and could not find one joke told via a faux-factual statement (in other words, a charged biased statement by the author character). All of the jokes are in comments attributed to the candidate, I don't think there is a single instance there of the author character being snarky. And it's a great way to get the jokes told. If you really want to strive for this ideal, I think looking at where the author character is telling the joke - is the one being snarky - I think this is a key thing here, and might assuage your sense of guilt about (of course I mean exonerate you from the charge of) blatant advocacy. Two cents. --GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shamelessnarcissisticAmerica-hatingliberalatheistaward-winningfeaturedwriter 22:18, September 24, 2012 (UTC)
Well, thank you, and the best bit of advice here is to go to the Horse's Mouth, as I have not done; I'll now go to Matt Lobster and ask him to come here and comment. I do usually strive to make the narrator seem neutral, and failed in a couple respects here, but as you note, it was fun doing so. Spıke¬ 22:56 24-Sep-12
PS--Did that, but following a conversation about what it means that he has emptied out his user page. It's usually not a good sign. Spıke¬ 23:10 24-Sep-12
OK I am a dumb cluck. I get it now. But then again I am a libtard, so what can you expect? I just realized what you are saying the cryptic message means. Duh. Sometimes I am slow - in fact that's why I took the bold initiative to interpret Joe's comment above as jest - I didn't want to risk missing the joke. Anyhoo, by "Did I pass?", he obviously meant he was making the bold assumption that your article is a test to see if we all got your drift about the advocacy problem and would appropriately vote against it! Hahahaha! Duh. Wow - well, I've just been through a house fire followed by whole-family-living-in-a-hotel over here, so I'll ecxcuse my dumb cluckness this time. I think you are right. --GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shamelessnarcissisticAmerica-hatingliberalatheistaward-winningfeaturedwriter 00:45, September 25, 2012 (UTC)
Spike, I've only just caught up with your Biden UnNews. This is rare genius and was deservedly featured. Even though as a piece of work it clearly makes a political point, the narrator still maintains the illusion of impartiality. This new UnNews does not (in my opinion) have a narrator that appears impartial. It just reads a little bit like a rant. I thought it may be a deliberate attempt to provoke after the political advocacy forum you created. mAttlobster. (hello) 12:05, September 25, 2012 (UTC)
Thanks for your praise and reply. I do not indeed nominate to provoke or to "test" voters. (Such gaming of the Uncyclopedia infrastructure got you a short ban in the Mordillo days.) But if that is how it reads to you, then your vote is justified.
I can see three political wisecracks that I snuck into the story (regarding the US being an "honest broker," hinting at Obama's years-ago "acted stupidly" remark about the Cambridge police, and regarding Obama's stay at Columbia). They were so out-of-character for the newsman that I omitted them from the UnNews Audio and have now deleted them from the text. And I'll put quotes around the Ben-Gay stuff as this was always intended to be a bumbling Romney quote. "Secretary of Snake" did make it into the Audio, but it could have been the narrator's ineptitude. (I also had him state the date as "twenty oh twelve," reprising a joke from Walt Kelly in Pogo.) I'll undo this in the text.
I'll leave the assertions that Arab youths always carry English signage and that the movie tells a "blatant lie" about Muhammad. The change GT suggests above would burden the reader with more complicated sentences, solely to let me pat myself on the back for being perfectly unbiased. But perfect neutrality is not my goal. That the article should not "read...like a rant," is. Or at least should not start out like a rant; sometimes it's fun when an article degenerates.
Neutrality is not an orthodoxy of mine either. In the past, I've read an AP wire that sounded so in-the-tank for Obama that I've written UnNewses that tie themselves in knots with spin. As the newsman usually gets the facts woefully wrong, he is allowed to get his entire profession wrong too. GT, I do not have a single "right" way to write an UnNews, but my assumption is that our reader is a reader of the real news, and on the Front Page and at the start of articles, we should meet him on his grounds--before we start to play with his head. Spıke¬ 12:46, 12:59 25-Sep-12
Afraid I don't know enough to tell whether this is a good article. But it is clearly good work.
Also, I read your notice to "reporters" in the Forum. You might be better for the job than I was. I would not have bounced an UnNews that, for instance, ridiculed a politician I sympathize with; but I encountered and opposed a few that struck me as pure advocacy rather than humor, referring again to my recent sermon in the Forum. And there was a notorious article on the Wisconsin impasse a couple years ago whose take was that everyone is acting like kindergarteners; I found that woefully inadequate compared to playing on the excesses being committed by both sides. I set to edit it, committing the sin you describe of substituting my jokes for someone else's. On the other hand, this comment of yours suggests a model under which the author owns an UnNews. I like that model, as there are pages here over which I act as owner, but you may be setting yourself up for endless grief.
A point you neglect is that the threshold depends on the author. There was an era where Funnybony would drop an article a day into UnNews, some of them merely mechanical transformations, Russian Reversals, of the actual news. On those occasions where I saw new segues and links, I savaged his stuff and he enjoyed being part owner of the result.
My biggest problem was articles that amused the author by pranking the Front Page without being amusing. I wanted the Front Page to read like real news, until one reads it. Froggy's perennial thesis that we must provoke, I view as self-amusement rather than entertainment of the reader. No problem with a page that does both. Spıke¬ 20:39 28-Sep-12
Yeah the Ionesco piece may be a little too obscure, but my hope is at least anyone who knows his plays would enjoy it. I said as much on its talk page. I just feel like it's OK for it to sit in its little corner and be there if anyone cares.
As for the little manifesto - I would never say one of us is better for the job. Any time there is a change at the top of something, that thing will take on a new personality. I feel that as long as the approach is sound - a somewhat vague term I'll admit - one UnNews chief is only better than another for how much better he or she maintains standards of excellence within that approach. I am planning on being the best UnNews chief ever, so only if that happens will I accept the notion that I am better for the job than you were. It's good to try something a little different though. I think Zim was the chief for most of the time I was writing UnNews before I left for a year or so, and I was weaned on his standards - that may be part of my make-up here. I think I may have missed your tenure, but I'm sure - and in fact I have heard - that you "maintain[ed] standards of excellence" within your approach with great aplomb. And aplombs are rare.
The model I hope to implement is a combination - generally each author is the sole (or at least main) owner of his or her UnNews, while I take full responsibility for the overall quality of the place. But endless grief - I hear you there. Fortunately it's a bit quiet here these days. That quietude has two sides of course - we are probably as deprived of genius as we are spared from riff-raff for the moment. I have user-spaced I think three articles, with near-pee-review commentary on the authors' talk pages, only to be greeted by crickets (or otherwise lack of passion for the sacred task of UnNews journalism). So yeah. Endless grief may be rearing its ugly head at me as I type. --GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shamelessnarcissisticAmerica-hatingliberalatheistaward-winningfeaturedwriter 21:05, September 28, 2012 (UTC)
I appreciate your effusive praise of me in nominating this. (I threw {{VFH}} on the item itself.) I would conclude that you like my work--but you also gave an attaboy to 1rageagainstme2 for his, um, contribution, so it probably means you are simply doing what a very good UnNews Chief does. Cheers! Spıke¬ 21:13 15-Oct-12
I'm such a good chief, in fact, that my main concern in writing what I did to him was that it would come across condescending instead of the encouragement to improve that I hope it will be. If you have not, check my note to him/her on his/her talk page - I hope I gave it to the writer straight without mincing words about the article's lack of quality, but also without insulting or discouraging. I actually think there may be potential here if we can up the funny and fix the style. Maybe. --GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shamelessnarcissisticAmerica-hatingliberalatheistaward-winningfeaturedwriter 21:20, October 15, 2012 (UTC)
You know, Spike, I just re-read your note there just now and got a clearer picture of the gist of it. Sometimes I'm a little slow. Anyway, I wanted to point out to you that this article is the only UnNews article I have ever VFH'd. That ought to indicate something to you regardless of what I might say to someone whose work enjoys less brilliance in my capacity as very good UnNews chief. Your satire is top notch. You remain one of UnNews's great assets. Period. --GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shamelessnarcissisticAmerica-hatingliberalatheistaward-winningfeaturedwriter 18:35, October 18, 2012 (UTC)
Please don't read anything more in that message than there is; I do appreciate your praise and regard it as one aspect of good management, and of course you should give encouragement to others as well. In fact, your concern about how everything seems (to him and to me) is another aspect of good management. To him, having given an attaboy on an otherwise scathing nomination, seeming condescending is a slight risk. Spıke¬ 20:24 18-Oct-12
PS on old business: I'm satisfied on what Talk radio has become, but it has a gaping lack of photos after the start. Shoop-o-potamus Zombiebaron did not reply to a request. Complete shoops or mere suggestions are welcome. Spıke¬ 20:26 18-Oct-12
Thanks for tweaking today's UnNews. I followed Strunk & White and put the comma (also periods) inside quotes because it looks better. (Wikipedia says to put them inside or outside depending on whether they belong in the thing quoted.) (Incidentally, on italics ending with punctuation, the punctuation must be italic or it drifts apart from the text.) More uncommonly, I capitalize after a colon if and only if the thing after the colon is a complete sentence in its own right; the capital letter is a parsing key for the reader. Spıke¬ 15:42 19-Oct-12
In my little manifesto I decreed that we will use the British standard for punctuation with quotes. Why? Because we need to pick a standard and that's the one that looks best and makes the most sense to me. Regarding the capitalization after the colon thing - yeah, it is in dispute. Let's look at it across different respected manuals of style and we'll pick a standard that is generally newspaper standardy, if there is one. My feeling is only capitalize if it's a quote (though we don't generally introduce quotes with colons unless there's a separate justification for the colon, like the preceding clause is explicitly introductory of the quoted concept), or if there are more than one complete sentences following. Anyway, we'll talk about it and agree on a standard. Then I'll add it to the manifesto. I also generally favor italicizing punctuation after italics. Nice article, though. What an interesting, absurd scenario to be so truly defensible. --GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shamelessnarcissisticAmerica-hatingliberalatheistaward-winningfeaturedwriter 16:07, October 19, 2012 (UTC)
There is no rush and no compelling reason for me to do your job for you. In fact, I "beta-tested" the Windows 8 story on a companion during yesterday's NFL game and he complained that it was too much like real news. (Namely, jokes not packed densely enough.) So I have condensed the UnNews and even re-cut the Audio. Spıke¬ 19:50 22-Oct-12
PS--Now I have partly reverted you on this UnNews. Fixing my dangling participle regarding Star Trek versus the experts was a good catch. However, on one other point, where you reference back to this discussion, you're just wrong:
You punctuate this way (when the thing in parens isn't a complete sentence).
Now you do it this way. (Because now it is.)
I have never read anything anywhere to the contrary. On the other points of grammar I raised above: I readily yield to you on lowercase-after-colon, as I don't even agree it is in dispute; I know of no other writer who does it my way. And I don't mind doing some things British, if a Brit is going to take on the editing job. (If you aren't British, doing so is perverse.) Spıke¬ 17:05 23-Oct-12
Ignoring for the moment that "because now it is" is not a complete sentence ( :) ), I am aware that it is grammatically acceptable to form a parenthetical complete sentence. You may also do it the way I changed it, also perfectly grammatically acceptable. It is, in my view, almost always possible to reword so as to avoid the situation, and maybe I could have presented my case by a more substantial rewording. It's just that I personally hate seeing it except where really necessary - I find it clumsy and distracting. But I accept your preference. As for the British standard for quote punctuation, one, when I get through it will be the American standard, and two, it is already changing here - you will find many American publications using that standard. Maybe even most by now. It is "perverse", and a stupid affectation, to use the words "colour" or "theatre". But this standard is having its way here and I think it's because it's really more sensible. Love the article (as usual), by the way. --GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shamelessnarcissisticAmerica-hatingliberalatheistaward-winningfeaturedwriter 18:48, October 23, 2012 (UTC)
You may be right about the quotations, I don't like writing that way though as I feel the quotes are all part of one sentence, regardless the contents. However, as for the earth demon, it is intended to be a trait of the demon; a demon that causes earth-related disaster (earthquakes). This is one of the references to fantasy games (the point in that, of course, being how ridiculous the true story is). Also, the article mentions them twice, but you only changed the first instance, making it inconsistent. ◄► UnUnUn ium ◄► 23:45, October 24, 2012 (UTC)
Well I am glad you think so, as it is my first UnNews piece. I have little free time for Uncyclopedia these days, so I may start doing more UnNews bits as they take much less time. ◄► UnUnUn ium ◄► 23:57, October 24, 2012 (UTC)
I was pretty busy, but now I think I'll edit a little more often. How's it going with the UnNews thing? You seem to be doing really fine! :) The only thing that jumped out was how long of the article you put on the UnNews pages, almost in their entirety! But I digress, you're in charge lol. Any questions? Did people criticize anything? I'd sure be on your side. Maybe I'll get around to writing soon. Mattsnow 02:45, October 31, 2012 (UTC)
That was nowhere near a hell of a break - that was wimpy. I was inactive for about a year and a half. Come talk to me about hell when you top that, my friend. Oh yeah, and I've cut those UnNews page articles waaay down from when I was first doing it. You should have seen some of those. I'm learning. Anyway, it's not bad. It's just thankless enough to keep me bitter and angry about it, so that part is good. They say haters are going to hate, but no one has hated without cause and we've managed the few little issues with consideration and care for quality as job one, I think. So, rage quit doesn't look to be fewer than four or five "earth" vs. "Earth" arguments away, so I'm good for now. I do appreciate the care though, that's very sweet. Thanks. --GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shamelessnarcissisticAmerica-hatingliberalatheistaward-winningfeaturedwriter 15:41, October 31, 2012 (UTC)
Wow. This reaction is encouraging. If ED were more suited for you - as I perhaps hastily concluded - then your reaction would have been more immaturely defensive. OK. So clearly your desire to succeed here is strong, because this approach you've chosen in reaction to my nom comment shows a great combination of humbleness and balls. If anything will, that will be a huge factor in your success here. But my answer to your question is, certainly not - that would violate the spirit of the community. I would steer you a different direction altogether for now, away from VFH. I wish Pee Review were active like it used to be, that would be your very best avenue to understanding the nature of the humor ideals here. But for now how about instead of focusing on VFH nominations, you focus on writing an article and getting feedback. Is there an article you're working on where I can maybe give you feedback about how to bend the writing more toward Uncyclopedia style humor? --GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shamelessnarcissisticAmerica-hatingliberalatheistaward-winningfeaturedwriter 23:45, November 1, 2012 (UTC)
And then could you suggest photos for Talk radio? Spıke¬ 00:20 2-Nov-12
Kamek, have you pored through UN:HTBFANJS yet? You see, what this is is a fake encyclopedia. And, while there are many approaches to writing an article--especially in the different spaces such as HowTo:--the usual one is to write a page that looks exactly like a Wikipedia page...until...the reader starts reading and realizes that it's pure crap! Now, on your projects: No one is going to look up the encyclopedia page on "Ancient Aliens"; that's sort of a slogan, or a case where the title is the punch line and the reader already has to know the joke. Guinness Book of Lame Records: Okay, that could exist, but again, the reader is not going to come looking for it. Samurai Warriors: Okay, that's a video game (I'll take your word for it). That one is very unfinished. The other two strike me as not fitting the "encyclopedia" gag, nor any other. The author is intoxicated with being on stage, in a forum where he can jive to strangers about not giving two shits. It might help if we turned it around and you told me what your plan is for getting the reader to laugh.
I am perhaps more annoyed at excessive swearing than most other Uncyclopedians. The reason is that it breaks the encylopedia gag too quickly. I didn't swear at all in the title of UnNews:Windows 8 baffles users; but, screw 'em! though it discloses the theme of the article. I don't swear at all in the UnNews--until "whereas actual customers generally just wish they could find the God-damned things." The page has been very dry, but this outburst is like a boring teacher suddenly slapping you on the cheek. Spıke¬ 00:31 2-Nov-12
For Ancient Aliens I wanted to base it on the TV show and meme of Ancient Aliens, look up an episode its quite easy material for an uncyclopedia page. For the Lame Records I wanted to get out the point of most of actual book's records are quite stupid and no one cares in a sarcastic kind of way. Samurai Warriors is a video game based off from Warring States Japan and is a spinoff of Dynasty Warriors, a spinoff of the Romance of the Three Kingdoms video games which are based from the books. I wanted to make it a samurai view point, like as if the samurai saw like a pissed off DW fan's original creation and edited it to make it look like a non-ripoff. (Actually isn't, its a spinoff) The strikes are basically the edits.--General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric (talk) 00:33, November 2, 2012 (UTC)
OK, I get it now. Well, tells a joke by beating it into the ground. Too many quotes (two entire groups of them! and Captain Obvious is almost always unwelcome), too many See also's. The first-person thing needs to be done with extreme care. So basically Tsoukalos is simply a con artist, and you have him giving a speech. Only, when he goes, "So therefore, shut up and believe me!" at the end of the first section, why read further? In my opinion, what you ought to do (to justify an article-length article) is to have it start out almost believable, and gradually toward the end have him get dumber and dumber, until he makes it clear that "aliens" is his answer to pretty much anything. Spıke¬ 00:54 2-Nov-12
Done. Just like that. Start slow and get crazier. By the way, that's way more illustrations than a usual article has--they push each other out of position, on my screen--and they are all the same joke (and most of them are the same illustration) (about which, that guy has the ugliest hairdo since Vir Cotto on Babylon 5). Spıke¬ 01:27 2-Nov-12
I reply to you on my talk page on your handling of the red-link for Air America in Talk radio, but then made unrelated changes, so you might never see it. In summary, using a pipe-link to surreptitiously translate it to tumbleweeds is funny, but so was the red-link, which implied that Air America is such a financial failure as to not even have an Uncyclopedia entry; I have enhanced the See Also section with such a red-link, so my talk page challenges you to achieve your beloved consistency, or let it stand, as you wish. I also tweaked your illustrations, though I am still grateful for them. Spıke¬ 23:23 3-Nov-12
It's been a quiet four months at Uncyclopedia, our hometown, out here on the edge of the prairie, and it's not just because Wikia have murdered everyone and are currently bathing in golden tubs filled with their blood. It seems Uncyclopedia has lost more users than John Travolta has lost gerbils up his own butt[citation needed], but fear not, Uncyclopedians-who-have-been-here-less-than-one-month! Long-time wunderkind and beloved administrator Frosty (sorry, are we laying it on too thickly?) has a plan to save us, and it involves... getting himself run over by a car.
Ha ha! Actually, he posted a forum topic, accompanied by a vote, because that's what Uncyclopedians do in times of crisis, and it always works. Forum:Petitions to make all our users that quit comeback attempts to galvanize Uncyclopedia's remaining users to action by reminding them that we used to have members, Oh! so many members! Most of whom were better than us! Please sign a petition asking them back—sign, you ungrateful todgers, like your lives depend on it—and then email them all on the 14th!
In theory, the people receiving said emails will return to Uncyclopedia with smiles on their faces and bliss in their hearts. In practice, however, the plan has been difficult to implement. And by "difficult", we mean "slightly impossible". A frustrated user has narrowed the plan's failure to three causes:
Wikia sucks dicks
Wikia is Satan
Wikia sucks Satan's dick
As it turns out, Wikia has limited the number of emails users can send to each other to ONE PER BLOODY DAY, rendering Frosty's scheme to bury our departed users under an avalanche of spam all for naught. As of Monday, November 19, exactly two departed users have been persuaded to return by the campaign, and nobody likes Kakun or Oliphaunte anyway, because they are useless puddles of suckage. It's just as well; most current Uncyclopedians are slightly too drunk to notice that putting a running chainsaw against one's neck is a bad idea, much less understand what the petition is all about.
At any rate, if you haven't accidentally decapitated yourself with a chainsaw, do have a look at that forum, and if necessary, make yourself one or two (or forty) sockpuppets, just to spam those long-departed users of ours. The Cabal Wills It.*
No, you read that wrong, he is just dead inside. Earlier this month, Frosty nearly had the shit murdered out of him by a car. Luckily, as Frosty is a typical Australian teenager, he was protected from serious harm by his protein-based exoskeleton and his thick layer of poisonous, mucosal warts. The car is expected to recover in time for the rematch; in an interview with our correspondent, the car shouted numerous dark threats while leaping onto a turnbuckle and shredding its T-shirt.
In the interim, Frosty has been resting comfortably with the aid of codeine, alcohol, and oral favors from the Asian transsexuals arrayed at his feet. "I find Uncyclopedia no longer holds the same draw for me as it did before," said Frosty, "especially since I've been getting oral favours from these Asian transsexuals arrayed at my feet."
So weep, all ye who read this, for Frosty has joined the ranks of the undead, despised by God and abhorred by the God-fearing. On the upside: he can now appreciate those movies about sparkly vampires. On the downside: he wants our blood. RUN!
Hearts and minds were filled with joy last month by the tentative return of beloved Uncyclopedian Bizzeebeever, who became scarce in July, leaving behind a terse apology for "having no money for Internetting". Current Uncyclopedia ghost Lyritha was heard to say "Buckets, remind me who that is, again..." before floating away down a corridor, moaning and rattling chains. Or rather, she would have, if ghosts were real, and if we'd asked her.
Bizzeebeever's return is said to augur good tidings for the wiki, even though his current contributions consist of pointless pot-shots at Wikia, and short, pithy remarks left on talk pages, such as "fuck you, I hope you are dead", and "please disregard the previous comment, my penis was caught in a pencil sharpener". He also lurks for hours on IRC, talking and playing UnTrivia by himself. It will surprise no one at all that Bizzeebeever is now the person most accomplished at playing with himself; when we asked Zombiebaron about Bizzeebeever's remarkable dominance of a game that no one else plays, he was heard to remark "Zombiebaron", which our interpreters took to mean "Can someone please ban that guy? I am too lazy to do it myself."
We at the Unsignpost do hope that Bizzeebeever holds on to his current position as Head of Quality Assurance at the dildo factory, for we have missed his hilariousforum posts almost as much as we missed his habit of talking himself up in the Unsignpost ...and his limpid blue eyes ...and his silky-soft golden locks ...and the charmingly-gnarled 40 kg tumor jutting from his neck—you know the one, it resembles the offspring of a blood tangerine and a baboon, and contains both hair and teeth...? (That might be his head; we're not sure.) Anyway, yes, we all love Bizzeebeever, and we hope he stays "returned", at least until the judge decides whether to hold him indefinitely, or just chemically castrate him, for the safety of the public.
This past week, another intermittent Uncyclopedia member (and full-time Mensch-in-Chief), TKF, returned to swear at SPIKE; delete articles which had even votes on VFD; ban people; feature an article with one "For" vote, one "Against" vote, and one comment on VFH; and be a generally hilarious excuse for an administrator. We all want to be you when we grow up, TKF!
04:58, November 6, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Romartus (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day (Adding yourself to ban patrol (I seroiusly tried very hard not to do this, I SWEAR!))
10:31, November 17, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Shame on you for hating on Australian films! [DO NOT UNBAN])
03:00, November 18, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Aimsplode (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 years (Asked to be blocked for 5 seconds, alas I can't spell.)
19:24, November 19, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Nothing can get me ready for a day of school like blocking chief for no reason.)
09:00, February 27, 2026 Famine (Talk | contribs) blocked Everyone (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Wouldn't it be cool if this actually happened (lol))
Biopic of the Week
This week's biopic concerns Hipster, who used to be Hypster, who used to be Another n00b, who was ...apparently a doody-headed dildo who pissed off other users by NOT INDENTING COMMENTS PROPERLY and BEING FOURTEEN YEARS OLD. (No, seriously.) A doody-headed dildo who was given his very own section in the Right Honourable Flammable's Bureau of Overreaction, Never-ending Embarrassment and Regret(BONER), shortly before accepting a free ban for life from Zombiebaron.
However, the Autist Previously Known As Another_N00b made his return to the wiki via sockpuppet last year, and only just this week was found out...by audaciously admitting who he was, right there on his talk page, for God and all the bourgeoisie to see. Unfortunately for those whose ban-fingers were itching this week, the incorrigible little twit seems intent on becoming a useful member of society, seeking redemption by turning 17, making edits that aren't actually vandalism, and (only occasionally) calling other users "utter fuckwads". He even wished Uncyc admin Frosty a speedy recovery from his car accident with the tremendous words "Exactly how does any of this nonsense affect me and why should I care?" We at the Unsignpost salute Hipster on his freewheeling, brutally honest style, and wish him the best of luck in the forty minutes that will elapse before Frosty drops a uranium banhammer on him. We're rooting for ya, Hipster!
A popular defensive measure during the Medieval period, the bouncy castle dissuaded attack by bouncing. Bouncy castles look exactly like static castles, except for the enormous springs concealed in the cellar. As an enemy, such as Goths, Vandals or rabbits approached, castle staff would release the springs causing the entire castle to shoot up into the air, thus saving it from plunder.
The first recorded idea for the bouncy castle comes from the notebooks of Leonardo da Vinci. Forward thinking as ever, da Vinci rendered his castle complete with springs, airbags, electric windows, CD player and machine guns to deal with helicopter attacks. Like so many of da Vinci's ideas, however, it was hundreds of hours before anyone put it into practice.
Castoreum: \cas*to"re*um\ n. 1. a peculiar bitter orange-brown substance, with strong, penetrating odor, found in two sacs between the anus and external genitals of the beaver. You're welcome.
Note: No Uncyclopedia dog this week.
As the Unsignpost could no longer afford the Uncyclopedia dog's increasingly ludicrous demands for royalties, he has been made redundant. His relatives have been notified.
No, Uncyclopedia has not gotten religion; it's still full of degenerates, wang vandals, and that scourge of gay men everywhere: uncensored images of boobies. However, it has seen a recent influx of old and new users, most of whom apparently never got the memo about how Uncyclopedia sucks, or how Uncyclopedia is dying, or how Uncyclopedia will be contagious for another six weeks before the amoxicillin starts working.
Returning recently like a scorching case of gonorrhea were Meganew (!), Socky, NoNamesLeft (to the everlasting delight of Frosty), and Master of Menageries Comicat1, who took a six-month sabbatical to invent preposterous new animals on the Serengeti. New users include Sinner George, MagicBus, Leverage, Fakehater and Kamek98, who have all taken to editing like ducks take to water—of course proving that they are all sockpuppets of someone, for which they will all be perm-banned, just as soon as Frosty can figure out who.
Lastly but not leastly, we celebrate the arrival of the ridiculously competent Murder Frog, who brings expertise on influential musicians of the last century, but, more importantly, has the most awesome name since the Universe itself birthed Captain Machinegun Thunderpants Fuckmaster on a pile of slaughtered tigers. The UnSignpost welcomes them, one and all, and hopes that their tranquilizers don't wear off while they still remember how to leave.
Thanksgiving came and went on Uncyclopedia this past week, and while the rest of the world was busy cracking jokes about how Americans really don't need to throw a holiday as an excuse for eating, a certain Uncyclopedia tradition was busy getting beaten, raped, and left for dead in the compost-bin of memory. Yes, we were referring to the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball; how did you know?
For those of you who don't remember, or don't want to remember (we assume that's all of you), the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball was the once-mighty celebration of sex-, torture- and scat-based humor so debauched and vile that it would shame a London dockside whore, and not a fresh young one, either—one that had been "fucked around the fleet". Sadly, no one even remembered the damn thing until two days before Thanksgiving, and when Uncyclopedia's favorite whipping boy brought up the subject in a forum, he was met by a silence so vast that we assume he fell into it, because we haven't seen him since. Being Kip, though, he'll probably pop back up through a sewer grate somewhere. Swim hard, Kip.
The ATDB left no survivors; its limp corpse will be thoroughly sexually abused, its intestines torn apart and worn around necks like Christmas garland, and its remains will be fed to a freshly no-legged midget with a massive dildo rammed up his butt. Damn you, Mhaille and Zombiebaron, you lazy useless fucks.
Yes, someone has beat us to it, and by a wide margin, for he is the undisputed champion of such sculduddery. So we offer up our most heartfelt apology to that reader, who shall remain nameless (it was Hotadmin4u69), and we humbly admit that we stand in awe of his ability to pick the gayest user name possible, not once, but twice. However, while we wish him the best of luck in disentangling his dental retainer from his own scrotum, we would like to remind him of the famous adage, Never quarrel with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
02:57, November 19, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 212.219.142.161 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 years (Still loving the penis after all these years, huh?)
09:13, November 22, 2012 Romartus (Talk | contribs) blocked 89.207.212.111 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day (Don't recreate crap. Take a tissue.)
05:49, November 26, 2012 Romartus (Talk | contribs) blocked 202.45.119.19 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (Back so soon? And guess what...you're still acting like a twat. I am extending your break Short Trousers.)
In this edition of the Weekly Biopic, (gasp gasp...running out of ways to rephrase that!) the UnSignpost is spotlighting one of our newer members, Snippy, who makes silkpurses out of sow's ears, reverts morons and vandals like reverting is going out of style, and is liked by one and all. In fact, this past week, Frosty claims he was in Snippy's lovely hometown of Byron Bay, New South Wales, to deliver Snippy's prize for being named Uncyclopedian of the Month: a forceful, lingering kiss on the lips, followed by a random sex act. Congratulations, Snippy, and we hope it only hurt for the first 15 minutes! Now that all your hard work has received recognition by your peers, please get out there and shovel some more shit; you missed a big pile of it. Sorry, our only shovel is broken; you'll have to use your shoes. Pity, they looked like very nice suede. Oh, well.
Next week, look for a profile of Leverage! Before he disappears from the site forever, of course.
Penis-sheath: An insult comparing the insultee to an article of clothing worn around the Johnson. Neither the insult nor the article of clothing actually existed up until I just now invented them. You're welcome.
A quick review of the Good Doctor's edit history shows that, in 2007, he had less of a life than I do now.
Thank you for reading This Week's Puddle of Random Crap™!
Note: No Uncyclopedia dog this week.
UnSignpost management is currently in negotiations with a supplier of illegal fighting dogs to provide a temporary substitute for the late UnSignpost mascot. We will miss you, UnSignpost Dog.
This week, MAJOR NEWS happened, and as usual, ourcorrespondents were on it quicker than KirstieAlley on a meat sandwich, or a meat pie, or anything made of meat, really. We are happy to report that longtime useless slacker and IRC lurker RAHBchecked out a book from a local library! (Please suppress your exclamations of shock and dismay, folks; the neighbors are still complaining about the Coast Guard-assisted virgin sacrifice). When we inquired about RAHB's first foray into intellectual enrichment since his early childhood, he summarized it as follows:
“
I checked out a book about Bob Newhart, and also Mark Twain's The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County, and Other Stories
”
As you can see, RAHB is a consummate intellectual, and a man among beasts.
Stay tuned for next week, folks, when Zombiebaron Hears a Who! Same Bat-Channel, same Bat-Time!
A quick note from the editors
The last two editions of the UnSignpost, which were the first editions published since the last editor came down with a case of exploding lung-weasels and threw himself off a cliff, contained 150% more fucking swear-words and 6000% more hyperventillating about things which are going to kill us all (such as Wikia, you knew it was going to be Wikia, because fuck Wikia). However, most of the 700 complaints we've received in the last two weeks (all of which were from Hotadmin4u69, and 699 of which included candid shots of his genitals[1]) concerned the lack of the UnSignpost dog, who we cheerfully claimed had been murdered and turned into soup. (If you hadn't noticed, go back and check. We'll wait.) This, of course, was an outrageous and unforgivable ploy on our parts to get your attention, and we apologize for it profusely; we promise never again to threaten or even joke about violence against dogs, especially since the SPCA's hired thugs know where we live. So here you are, folks: this week's edition of this glorious rag will go back to the usual tradition of featuring a charming dog who is in no peril at all:
14:15, December 1, 2012 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (Man, I miss you something terrible, rather like a third arm that was finally amputated... <3)
16:32, December 2, 2012 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked RAHB (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (acting like the archetype of a perfect admin, and on a completely unrelated note making certain other less active admins look bad)
16:35, December 2, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 74 years (Exists)
22:49, December 2, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (I am blocking you because you spelt Lead wrong. Seriously what the hell?)
23:44, December 5, 2012 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 12 years (drinking out of cups/being a bitch)
23:46, December 5, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Does you dick hang low? Does it wobble too and fro?)
Biopic of the Week
Well, we promised it to you, and now here it is: a biopic of Leverage! Yes, new user Leverage is a right smart fellow, with joy in his heart and fudge in his nappy. Nothing much is known of Leverage except that he might be from Spain "som'eres", unless he's not. You're either an American, or a terrorist[citation needed], and as Leverage is not American, he's doing his terrorist mother proud by hating Americans with a fervor usually reserved for the entitled children of American middle-class parents. He's even won awards for it! And lest you think last week's profilee, Snippy, is by far the best of Uncyclopedia's new crop of users, ...you'd probably be right, but Leverage gives him a run for his money by actually writing UnNews articles by literally the dozens. Seriously, you can check his user page; they're all there. (Like we're impressed.) We'd nominate him for a Foolizter Prize, but according to beloved Uncyclopedia admin Frosty, "nobody votes on that (homosexual) (feces) anymore," and, sadly, the stats bear him out. Thank you, Leverage, for you tireless perseverance in the face of apathy, and fuck you, Uncyclopedia!
Stay tuned for next week's biopic on Sinner George, if he even still edits here!
"The Committee to End Pay Toilets in America, or CEPTIA, was a 1970s grass-roots political organization which was one of the main forces behind the elimination of pay toilets in many American cities and states.
“
When a man's or woman's natural body functions are restricted because he or she doesn't have a piece of change, there is no true freedom. —Ira Gessel
”
"Founded in 1970 by then-nineteen year old Ira Gessel[1], the Committee's purpose was to "eliminate pay toilets in the U.S. through legislation and public pressure." Starting a national crusade to cast away coin-operated commodes, Gessel told newsmen, "You can have a fifty-dollar bill, but if you don't have a dime, that metal box is between you and relief." Membership in the organization cost only $0.25, and members received the Committee's newsletter, the Free Toilet Paper...[more]
Ed. note: in a spasm of Darwinian fish-eat-fish madness, self-described "cock-juggling thunder-cunt" Thekillerfroggy has been riding a white horse with Death following after, especially targeting SPIKE, who, on his own time, has been gnawing the heads off of newbies and IPs alike. Here to comment on the lulz-filled proceedings is our own field-correspondent (yes we have a field correspondent, stop looking at us like that), Kip the Dip:
I was asked to write a guest editorial, so let's get this over with. In the spirit of the Christmas and/or Holiday Season, I would like to offer an olive branch of peace. We could all use a little more peace around here. Well, not here, per se, because drama is always welcome amusement for me. More so than in places like the Middle East—the Middle East needs to calm the fuck down and Uncyclopedia needs to be more like the Middle East is what I'm trying to say.
Still, drama isn't always amusing. For example, I won't be on the front page next month (I mean, if(point for humility) I win an award) because someone is having a pissy-fit over some bollocks and removed the awards from the front page. In this particular case, we need to pee on the fire, rather than fan the flames. The conflict I'm referring to is between two celebrated users, Thekillerfroggy and SPIKE. The root of this tension stems from the fact that TKF thinks SPIKE is the worst person ever and should leave this site, or at least stop sucking his own dick. Basically, SPIKE is to TKF what Toby is to Michael on The Office. Particularly if there were a British equivalent to Toby. God, that's a good show. Or was. It really blows now.
Let me just say that you both have your faults. TKF: You need to stop being a dick, even when it is more hilarious than when it isn't. You appear to be in a drunken rage. I realize it's Hanukkah, but you should really tone it down on the whine.
And SPIKE: Well, I just think you're a textbook case of someone who needs to masturbate more. I suggest you start December 25th, when you're having a less-than-sufficient amount of fun reading my holiday-themed articles.
Despite these differences, you both have one thing in common: You're Uncyclopedians. And the essence of being an Uncyclopedian is appreciating the art of Comedy. When the world is at its darkest, we rely on the light of humor, parody and satire. Some have said that Uncyclopedia is at its darkest point right now, that our brightest days are far behind. Yet if the annual winter solstice teaches us anything, it's that the brightest days always follow the darkest nights.
Or some sugary moral message like that. I mostly just wanted to drop a few horrible puns and get away with insulting you both all over the site. Merry Christmas!
Do you have a lame sense of humor that is best expressed in 140 characters or less? Do you enjoy ruining the mojo of entire websites? Do you have a tiny penis, or none at all? Then have we got news for you! Those of you who wish to do a better job of misrepresenting Uncyclopedia on all the popular social platforms, including YouBoob, Twatter, Facebutt, StubbleUpon, Porntrest, Cumblr, Spreddit, and all the others, are hereby invited to hit up Hotadmin4u69's talk page, and to do it forthwith, post-haste. Why? Because Hotadmin4u69 runs Uncyclopedia's social networking presenceses...es, all by his lonesome—or at least he did...until now. But he's NOT GONNA TAKE IT, HE'S NOT GONNA TAKE IT, HE'S NOT GONNA TAKE IT, ANYMOOOOOOOOOOOAH! No, seriously, he's going to quit the wiki entirely (as if he hasn't already) if people don't lend him a hand. He loves you all, but you all suck, and it's a thankless task—almost as thankless as writing and delivering this drivel every week.
03:37, December 10, 2012 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked SPIKE (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month (I just swallowed a little bit of my own vomit reading you put down a noob then proceed to suck your own dick for five whole lines of what I presume to be English words)
Mad-libs ban:
16:08, December 11, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 89.207.212.111 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months (Hi, I'm Fuck You. I like gay bum sex with You're Banned. And sometimes I like to suck Don't Come Back's fat cock.)
Get a room, girls!
01:41, December 10, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 226 hours 37 minutes 45 seconds (Idling on IRC for this long like a true gay faggot <3)
23:01, December 10, 2012 Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) resurrected Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) (Frosty has both female and male genitals. The more you know.)
23:23, December 10, 2012 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Hold on I've gotta figure out how to deop you before you can unban yourself)
23:24, December 10, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months (pwnt.)
23:27, December 10, 2012 Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) resurrected Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) (lol obvi i was joking although i agree it will be funnier next time when i deop you before the ban)
Biopic of the Week
Last week we promised you hookers, rum and flavored spermicide, so here you are. Ha ha ha, just kidding! No, this week's biopic is about Sinner George, whose exceedingly clever user handle is a reference to Saint George, patron saint to all Greeks everywhere, which tells us that he is Greek. As does his user page, and the little flag next to his signature. Unfortunately, we know absolutely nothing else about Sinner George; however, as this has never stopped us from writing a biopic before, we asked our Field Correspondent Kip the Dip to discover some fascinating things about this fascinating newbie. Here's a transcript of our conversation:
<Editor> Kip: know anything about sinner george?
<Kip> No.
<Editor> Make one or two things up. I have a biopic to write!
<Kip> He likes Greek food because he's Greek.
<Editor> Excellent.
<Kip> Also, he's probably hairy.
<Editor> Yes, yes, also excellent.
So there you have it! Sinner George is (a) new to the 'pedia, (b) Greek, and (c) therefore probably not someone who reads the UnSignpost. Your loss, George!
This week, it was publicly confirmed for the first time that the on-again-off-again Apocalypse has been postponed indefinitely, due to an accumulation of frozen water in and about the subterranean headquarters of Heck, Incorporated. Yes, it appears that Uncyclopedia's dwindling community of degenerates and failed comedy writers (which is literally the same thing, but never mind), having suffered far too long under the Wikian lash of nipple-and-dick censorship, have finally gotten their shit together[citation needed], and are making a move to new hosting. News of the move came in Uncyclopedia's Village Dump, as part of a nonchalant post by Lyrithya, who returned to the site from her current job as a human spiderweb to stun, confound, and enrage exactly twopeople with her announcement.
When asked why she chose now to de-bag her cat, instead of waiting for a more opportune moment (such as, y'know, after the fucking move actually happened), Lyrithya had this to say: "I was drunk." Salient words, indeed, which show she is an Uncyclopedian through-and-through, and which afford the rest of us an overwhelming sense of confidence in the Uncyclodepia Moving Company. Yes.
High-jinks on the farm.
However, while We Here At The UnSignpost™ lounge about and poke fun, you may rest assured that the technicians at Up With Uncyclodepia have not been taking it easy. It's been eleven months of back-breaking work out on the wiki farm, getting up at the crack of noon to shovel out the cow coop, milk the chickens, and slap the sheep for indulging in indelicate thoughts. According to an anonymous source at the highest level of Uncyclopedia's labyrinthine network of cabals, the move quite definitely, absolutely, without a doubt, will be happening at some distant point in the very near future, probably maybe, just as soon as all the ducks are lined up in convenient rows so that they can be loaded onto trains and sent to special camps. When we asked what the bloody devil this meant, we were told to shut up and move along, and that there is no cabal, which we admit must be true, as we have heard it so many times.
So, to recap: Uncyclopedia is leaving Wikia for greener pastures, and as most things undertaken by Uncyclopedians happen, it will be slap-dash, semi-competent, and will probably result in everyone involved hating each other to the death, hopefully with the assistance of swords, horses, and heavy artillery.
As of press time, the list of Uncyclopedians furious at having been left out of all the fun could not be reached for comment, but are assumed to be boiling with righteous indignation. To make sense of the week's stunning development, we were able to get hold of an expert on all things frozen and hellish: Sumerian demon-king and devil-about-town, Pazuzu. "I was just doing what I usually do," said he, "by which I mean I was hanging out in some northeastern American town, whispering into the ear of a nondescript loner that guns are fun and kids love fun, and hey wouldn't it be cool if you combined the two?, when I heard that Uncyclopedia was leaving Wikia! I said shit, motherfucker! and ran over there as quick as I could to shut that shit down, but it was too late. And now my home Down Under is encased in ice. Man, some days you're the dog, and some days you're the fire hydrant, know what I mean?" We really didn't, but as we have always enjoyed not being frogs, and would prefer to maintain that state, we nodded furiously and thanked our interviewee for his time.
Newbies! Protect them, love them, they are our future! Heil Newbies!
How often has someone started a forum 'We're Doomed' or 'Where Domed' , and other variations of the announcement 'this website has moved away from my idea of what is funny' ? So what we can do here, but celebrate a clutch of new fully fledged contributors who arrived on our shores, all fresh and well-scrubbed! In recent months, we had Leverage produce articles faster than bindweed, and now he has joined by the likes of MagicBus (an admirer of The Who or a kaftan nostalgic?), news hound Bill Melater, and the ferocious Fakehater, who will rip your arms off if he detects you're a phony. Then there is Murder_Frog, who swears blind he is unrelated to another amphibian. (Evidently the lily pond is big enough for two croakers.) Another newbie who is currently taking a keen interest in Singapore is CDPCCNAC. What the name means, I have no idea, but perhaps he is wise to leave so few clues about his true identity. Then there is our own Mr Tambourine Man, Equilateralperil. Moving closer to the ground, looking for literary earthworms in his search for Sonic the Hedgehog-related stories, is Igotnothing, whilst from the Land of Connery is Dannyboy1209. A noob with ambition, Danny has already asked to become an admin and has nominated himself for everything. With an attitude like that, this one is going places—here, there or everywhere. Who will become the Noobs of Noobs and win something to stick on their bedroom door? The jury is out, and so am I, tonight. Go ahead, check these fledglings out here.
This week, due to intense laziness on the part of our administrators, no one received a funny ban-summary. We have our best men on the case, and are ferreting out the source of this oversight. In the meantime, you should be ashamed of yourself, Frosty.
Biopic of the Week
For what we're quite certain is the first time in the long, inglorious history of the UnSignpost Biopic, our correspondents have actually interviewed an Uncyclopedian about themselves. It was a difficult job that was as hard on us as it was on Bill Melater, but the scratches and bite-marks are probably just superficial, and we were going to get a new pair of pinking shears anyway. To the facts: Bill enjoys making up fake names that are ribald puns, and he claims to be a Cuban-American cat owner living with his beautiful Russian bride, Ripya Kokov, in the wonderful[citation needed] country of Finland, which he terms "the home of comedic flop-sweat". The UnSignpost has never been to a comedy club in Finland, but rest assured that if we visit one in the future, we will bring towels and an industrial-sized drum of Clorox. Bill also claims he's 47 years old, which we believe makes him the third-oldest active Uncyclopedian, behind SPIKE, who was born during Woodrow Wilson's second term, and Romartus, who we understand still owes Hadrian five denarii for a mule that he borrowed and never returned[1]
Anyway, We Here At The UnSignpost™ feel that Bill is selling himself short. Bald, fat[2], married[3], and living in one of the coldest, darkest countries on Earth?! Ladies of Finland, I sense an opportunity! If you're looking for hot, sweaty lust with a middle-aged Yankee Lothario who isn't getting any[4][5][6][7], and is therefore filled to the brim with sexual angst... don't look at Bill Melater, because his wife just found his talk page, where he described himself as "pussy-whipped."
Ouch.
You thought Finland was cold in the winter? You ain't met Ripya Kokov.
↑There's a subtle pun in here, as a denarius was originally valued at ten asses. How subtle? You decide.
Writer of the Year got off to a splendid start when Aleister in Chains nominated Funnybony and SPIKE for the award by writing brief but poignant marriage proposals to both of them. Thank goodness for Aleister, if not for him the wider world might have assumed we weren't all massive girls. Since then Thekillerfroggy nominated Xamralco, who was not able to express his appreciation due to a serious case of not editing the wiki any longer.
As always what should be a rigorous heterosexual competition involving manly pursuits like backstabbing, lies, blackmail and threats is being irretrievably compromised by people like Aleister and Shabidoo; people whose sole purpose on the awards pages is to make everybody else feel bad about not noticing other people. Uncyclopedian of the Year is being lead by Romartus, Uncyclopedia's voting-in-chief. Shockingly, he was also nominated by Aleister who, as it turns out, is gayer than Christmas, apparently Romartus makes him "Proud to be an uncyclopedian", he makes "Legendary votes on VFH" and gives "Legendary hand relief".
Potatochopper of the Year is a more subdued and manly affair, where absolutely nobody has been nominated at all... it's like reviewer of the month were moved to a different page name. Hopefully Aleister or Shabidoo will nominate someone soon, we here at the UnSignpost have gone to the trouble of writing the nomination for them: "<insert name here> has made many fantastic images, at least two of which I have made love to on at least nineteen occasions. My genitals ache for them every single evening and someday they will make my dreams come true and love me! Also Olipro sucks balls."
Olipro was the only nominee for Useless Gobshite of the Year (insert your own joke here), but Zombiebaron quickly joined him in ignominy. Please go vote for both of them so they may end up tied, and share the prize (a year's supply of toilet paper) on their revolving bed built entirely from used condoms and KY bottles.
From the desk of the Cabal: 2013 is the year of subservience
Once again you all stand before us, another year of failure behind you and another year of subjugation ahead of you. The non-existent Cabal would like to wish you all a happy New Year. All workers users are reminded that failure to celebrate the new year with adequate happiness and joy is punishable by enforced time labouring in the non-existent Lime Quarries followed by the immediate cessation of chocolate rations for the remainder of this work quarter.
Once again you have failed us, utterly and completely. Last year we advised you all that resistance was utterly unnecessary and, if anything, we have had to tolerate 0.22% more resistance, we have heard you discuss and then decide to leave our kind benefactors, whilst promoting several of your own number to within the cabal in an effort to encourage dissent and democracy within our ranks. We saw you continue to tinker with that which does not concern you whilst simultaneously complaining when people are warned about the indecent images you propagate amongst your number. It seems prudent to remind you that if we delete every single template, every single image and every single forum your freedom will only increase. It is not what some of you have foolishly referred to as "overly deletionist", it is streamlining and it is good for all of you.
It is with vague optimism that we note that you continue to strive at a barely satisfactory level, you have certainly earned a small fraction of the baubles and trinkets that have been handed out over the past year. It has not escaped our notice that the Worst 100 Reflections on 2012 only closed on time this year due to Thekillerfroggy skipping sixty of the reflections, we are gratified to note that Roman Dog Bird had practically no input on the list and very few of them regard uncontrolled outbreaks of creativity and morale, such dangerous forces must be carefully rationed and controlled.
Cutting of corners and a blatant disregard for regulations do not amuse the Cabal.
Now we must inexorably turn our attentions to 2013 and the promise it brings. All users should note that due to several security compromises over the last few months movement throughout the Uncyclopedia complex has been restricted during the hours of darkness. Where major editing is to take place you must ensure that you have faxed the appropriate forms to your divisional liaison officer prior to commencing work, failure to do so will result in an unacceptable breakdown in bureaucracy.
Uncyclopedia must prevail, editors must remember that without patient mind numbing work and servitude we can never accomplish our ultimate goal of... well, that need not concern you.
That is all citizens, you may now return to your allocated taskings.
03:48, May 2, 2012 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 20 minutes (Hahaha you're not an admin so I can do this and get away with it! Hahaha! (hahahhaha))
22:44, May 18, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 hour (Not cool to use other people's sigs man......*shity eyes*.....)
23:07, July 17, 2012 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours (Snoopin' around in areas he shouldn't be concerned with)
19:32, October 4, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 44 seconds (I must block you at least once in order to be more awesome than you.)
03:31, November 17, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Shame on you for hating on Australian films! [DO NOT UNBAN])
02:11, December 13, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 4 minutes (User request)
16:11, December 19, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 10 minutes (Necessary research into the reasons for no funny bans having happened last week. Do not be alarmed, we are trained professionals, and also very aroused.)
01:29, December 26, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 33 seconds (Telling me how to be an administrator)
Biopic of the Week
When we carried our knuckle-dusters and brick-filled socks to the talk page of new user Equilateralperil this past week to interview him, we were amused and perplexed to see him employ the classic defensive stance of a painfully shy, abused opossum. Rolling into the fetal position on the ground with his buttocks in the air, he began to reveal embarrassing personal details in a shrill voice, shouting "Have a field day, you scamps! Yes, mock me harder!", apparently hoping that we would walk away in disgust. However, to assume that reverse psychology would work on Uncyclopedians is to give them credit for having something that they don't, namely, a psychology. Some of the details which he will now regret ever having shared:
Equilateral (that's what we call him for short, when we don't call him Bitch) is a 17-year-old schoolboy living in Victoria in Australia, is at the "top of his class" in multiple subjects, and is on his school's debate team.
As he is on his school's rock band, jazz band, and "show" band, we are forced to assume that his school, like the one from Glee, is filled to the brim with people wearing matching plaid shirts, bow ties, white vests, and straw skimmers, who are all horrifyingly perky and prone to breaking into song (or dance) for no apparent reason—especially when the occasion does not require it.
He claims to have had one girlfriend, who was Japanese and broke his heart. He refused to supply nude pictures of her, so we are forced to conclude that she is imaginary.
For Christmas, he claims he received a "charcoal Italian moleskin jacket", which he is apparently wearing at this moment, over his Casper-the-Ghost™ footie pajamas.
So there you have it! From our experience, Equilateralperil is most likely his school's Designated Punching Nerd, and spends most of his spare time pulling his poodle-haired head from toilets, when he isn't writing excellent articles for Uncyclopedia. While he's on holiday in Perth or Canberra or someplace, do give them a read.
If you haven't heard, we recently moved and split from those meanies at Wikia. If you haven't heard, you're 1) either oblivious or 2) new to this site. Because... you are on the site now. But don't get me wrong, we are sooooo better than the fools who stayed. AY! Speaking of fools at the old, less stylish Uncyclopedia site, (maybe I'll regret saying this in the future) SPIKE made a bet with a few other users that the new site would be out and down by the end of the week. Being Saturday the 12th. We will all stay up Friday night and count down until that naughty dog is proven wrong. However if we do fail, which we won't, SPIKE will become known as a psychic throughout the globe. We aren't going to let this happen, are we? If you haven't gotten the hint... the answer is a big N and a big O! NO! Plus, SPIKE, according to TKF has a very bad betting history. Send him to Vegas, lord, please! Make him bankrupt or something, please?
Also, some examples of the users that decided to migrate to this site (all the cool users do this) are for one, myself, Zombiebaron, RAHB, Simmy, Lyrithya, Aleister who received a name change, and TKF, who received a name change. Not to forget that one guy, Sir Frosty, who has been recently reverted all of our pornos, for our self enjoyment. The majority of his reverts of the Wikia censorship thingy-ma-bobber pics involved boobies. Nice work, Frosty. Round of applause everybody!
On the other hand, all the cool cats are doing it, so go add yourself to this list and tell us about how you stumbled upon calling yourself what you are known as here. Better be good, or we're coming to get ya! We're gonna suck out your insides using your intestines as a bendy straw, YUM! An example includes Zombiebaron, who got his name from stealing it from a video game. Another example is Strange but untrue, who took the name from her first (probably porn) website. Some lame examples include David Gerard's and Splaka's, who became known as that because of a typo. I myself, am a typo of my parents, who misspelled condom worked and here I am. Splaka failed to tell us more about the typo and what word was suppose to be the username. Shame, shame, shame!
And one last thing, Ly is demanded the reporting of any and all (EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF 'EM, OR ELSE) bugs/crashes/malfunctions/apocalypses the site gives you. They should be reported here, or else we'll kill help you.
That is it for now, I am Sir Peasewhizz, you are some random reader in which I may not know, this article is over, except for this line: I need some soup.
Report any bugs here or die. We're not horsing around. Where are all by rights be meant to be taken in NO WAY ANYTHING OTHER THAN SERIOUS. THIS IS UNCYCLOPEDIA! And.We.Are.Honest!
Indeed it does. But what else is supposed to suck? Why is your mind in the gutter? You sicken me.
We want boobies! Get it? You see a censored pick of 'em, reversion! Give us boobies, or give us death!
16:58, January 7, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Wutjtod En.Uncy.Co Deluxe Limited Edition (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite (Not being Zombiebaron: <youtube>n9sEBBCIZ54</youtube>)
02:30, January 6, 2013 MoneySign (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk) with an expiry time of 2.71828182 hours (... like flowers!!)
02:27, January 6, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked MoneySign (Talk) with an expiry time of 3.141592653589 hours (You smell.)
02:25, January 6, 2013 MoneySign (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk) with an expiry time of 3.1415926 hours (Active admin does administrator activity.)
22:53, January 5, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Socksilikesocks (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite (Fuck off)
18:12, January 5, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked MoneySign (Talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (Not supporting my vote, also hasn't been banned in 2 and a half years, you call yourself an admin???)
Biopic of the Week
Sorry, due to recent tasks that are far more important, there is no Biopic of the Week. If you need medical help, wait... what?
Newsroom UnTune of the week
Sorry, due to recent tasks that are far more important, there is no Newsroom UnTune of the Week. Please go listen to your favorite band. It is highly recommended by 8 out of 4 doctors. Which means 2 doctors recommend it.
No, we do not mean users with ages soaring into the atmosphere. Well, I hope so. Because 80 year old users would be weird, just saying.
However, users who had currently quit the Wikia back up to years ago have now returned, and maybe all will return. Why did they leave? Protest mainly, or traveling the world. The world is big, however, so that could explain things.
On the hand of the those who aren't admins, TheSlyFox sneaked back into the site, ColinAYB has returned, and even Acmed2 has returned after his rage quit in September of 2012.
So basically, what is to be said for here is, well... Uncyclopedia attracts quality writers that write from the heart, which Wikia wouldn't allow. Everybody, here's a life lesson: Down with Wikia!
Recently, I have raised a master debate on HGA's (who desires to be called HGA instead of his actual username, so don't call him Aimsplode by his actual username ever! You can read about the reasons here, where he also made a speech that made many children cry in appreciation of its beauty. If I may quote the great Aimsp-er, HGA himself:
“
I love the swastika. I find it bold, and very rigid, just as Hitler intended (usually, only the Nazi-stylized version, such as this). It's almost mesmerizing how beautiful such an object can be. That is why I use it as my person identification symbol. I want to be associated with this figure. If I didn't, then hell, I wouldn't be using it.
Another reason is my facination with the NaziParty, and Hitler: the order, regimented society, propaganda. He was a fucking genius, Hitler. He wrote all his own speeches, made his own tours, just to keep the public in a trance. He had human psychology to an art. He new how to run his country perfectly. His only blunder was attacking the Russians, which was caused by his lust for world domination too quickly. If he had kept pounding the British, and had a little more patience, surely he would have won. This lifestyle, rise and fall, rage and grace, interests me to no end. I love spending time picking apart the various aspects of Nazi society, and Hitler's life.
A few of my views fall in line with Hitler's, but nothing substantial. I would not be massacring people, of course: that only make conflict. And in this day in age, it is impossible to pull off such a feat as him in such secrecy.
”
So there ya have it, folks: HGA ≠ Nazi. However, he does think Hitler was a good person. He dicked with some admins and now he's infibanned. Hmmm...
So hopefully, Kip's influence off my original forum will die down and stop influencing others. Like Joey's instinct to respond, as seen here: Joey Number's sig.
However, DO NOT confuse these mock threads with this response seen here, as Socky has a very good point. Go vote now!
Select User of the Week
This week, there was a tie between Frosty and MadMax, who both raped the recent changes log like there was no tomorrow. Keep up the good work, fellas!
17:39, January 17, 2013 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Sir Peasewhizz (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 20 seconds (Very serious, very formal testing)
05:39, January 16, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 70 minutes (I did 1 better than you. Suck it leddy!)
12:40, January 15, 2013 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked 70.169.90.254 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month (You want everybody on Uncyclopedia to have lotsa sex? What a nice thing to say.)
10:08, January 13, 2013 Tom mayfair (Talk | contribs) blocked MadMax (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 seconds (Break Time! . .. ... .... ..... Okay, get back to work.)
Biopic of the Week
This week, when we spoke to Sir Peasewhizz via teleconference from his executive jetliner as he was cruising 45,000 feet above the Bay of Bengal, he appeared to be lounging on a settee constructed entirely from nude women and the pelts of animals which he'd personally made extinct. It made us wonder if he was compensating for something, such as the fact that he's 14 years old, or that he has no girlfriend, or that, as a girlfriendless 14-year-old, his extracurricular activities likely consist of taking potshots at the family cat with ropy streams of jizz. (Just guessing, of course. The alcohol and STDs killed our recollection of our teenage years.)
Sir Whizz, who joined the wiki last year as Kamek98, got acquainted with the other fresh talent, nominated a few articles on VFH, and wrote a couple of articles himself before promptly being bollocksed by SPIKE, whose helpfulness towards newbies knows no bounds. And by "knows no bounds", we mean "doesn't exist." In spite of this, Sir Whizz stuck with Uncyc like gum on a brand-new shoe, and is currently doing his best impression of a puppy, sticking his nose into everything, leaving puddles of drool everywhere, and actually running off with the UnSignpost, which we would be grateful for, if we weren't too busy shaking our fists at him for having initiative.
Sir Whizz informed us rather ostentatiously that he is unable to make a major monetary donation to the New Uncyclopedia because, as he put it, "I just bought a new electric guitar." He went on to show us the guitar, a one-off Gibson Flying-V with ebony inlays, a solid-platinum humbucker, and the autographs of Jimmy Page, Eric Clapton, and Jimi Hendrix done in gold-leaf along the neck. It's good to see that Sir Whizz has his priorities in order—"Axes before taxes", we always say, and as this quip immobilized long-time IRC lurker RAHB with an uncontrollable fit of giggle-spasms, we believe it is quite excellent, and intend to repeat it at every available opportunity until Judgement Day.
Nobody could have expected the return of the spam. I'm just kidding. Everyone knew it was going to happen. Recently, Ly has made it so editing is more open to those who aren't "users" and with that, came the inevitable spam. Probably the first major bit of spam came from a user who was putting a troll face in 400px on many pages (including category pages). I alerted Lyrithya on IRC and she blocked the user with a time of infinite. I had already put the user on Ban Patrol. Yes, Ban Patrol. We need to kick it into gear now. Like it once was. We want more of it.
The everyday troll causing harm to the defenseless like me and you.
So please, get your spam spray ready, the Ban Patrol ready to penetrate, and your anti-spam mind in motion. That is an order!
Well, ladies and gentlemen... It has begun. For those of you who don't know, (you should all know, it has been a few weeks) the great internet humor wiki known across the world as Uncyclopedia has officially split, since January 5th to be precise. While there are those who remain loyal to the original (now completely Wikia-owned) Uncyc, others have left and formulated a site of their own, "Free Uncyclopedia," if you will. Every Saturday, starting this week, I will give an update at Uncyc Cold War on the current situation, sharing details with the populaces of both sites on any updates pertaining to the current split. Post on that page's talk page if you wish to give your input as a Wikia Uncycer or a Free Uncycer.
Some of you may wish to know how this started... It all goes back a very long time ago, when a man named Chronarion sold the original Uncyclopedia (uncyclopedia.org) to Wikia for beer and hookers, the company originally created by Jimbo Wales as a hub of wikis for various specific subjects. Over the years, Wikia did many things to Uncyclopedia, including domain name updates, restrictions on hardline levels of satire, and most notable of all, the censoring of all unclad racks on the entire site. The final spark was (according to Frosty, one of the Free Uncyc leaders (Sannse we're ratting you out), a heavy demand over adding a North America-only suicide prevention hotline to the suicide page. Regardless of the circumstances, members were tired of Wikia, and as such left the site to formulate their own variant. Frosty would then go on a rage to revert all booby pictures and give us nudes once again.
If you touch the red zones in just the right way... it will cause an explosion.
A primary difficulty for years was the fact that there was no original domain name that a new Uncyclopedia could be built on. Uncyclopedia.org was in Wikia's hands, after all. Incapable of simply leaving, a domain name ([en.uncyclopedia.co]) was eventually found, and the move was made by the majority of writers and the like. The inevitable struggle between these two wikis will prove to be most interesting to watch as it plays out.
Until next week, keep on trucking!
UnVoyage - journey around the world without leaving your seat, the ultimate travel experience for lazy people!
Uncyclopedian Yrtneg has created a new project - UnVoyage. It's a parody of Wikivoyage. It's a fake travel guide with pages like "Space", "Hell", and etc. Now of course, we're all going to forget about it before six months, but who cares. Go ahead and add some pages! Bitch. Right now there's nothing but who cares. Uncyclopedian Carlb suggested making pages like "Titanic" and "the moon". The main page is at UnVoyage and it's pretty fucked up. Go check it out!
Select User of the Week
The select user of the week for this edition of USP is RAHB, because he was the only one who would pay attention to VFH. Be ashamed all you neglecting other admins! Just kidding, the VFH is dead. So go vote.
09:27, January 23, 2013 Jack Phoenix (Talk | contribs) blocked 74.214.47.130 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (<span style="font-size: 901px; overflow: none; position: absolute;">FUCK</span>)
15:57, January 22, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Yrtneg (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (All but admitted to being User:TheBorrower on IRC.)
15:54, January 22, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked TheBorrower (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (This is fucking stupid for about five hundred reasons.)
00:48, January 22, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 91.207.8.30 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months (Spam, Maps, Pams, Amps.)
23:40, January 21, 2013 TKF (Talk | contribs) blocked SirPeasewhizz (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 4 hours (since he asked nicely. but seriously man)
23:26, January 21, 2013 TKF (Talk | contribs) blocked SirPeasewhizz (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 18 hours (for god's sake man, i literally just told you to stop flooding VFH)
16:51, January 21, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Wiley812 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Nobody cares about your gay products.)
22:53, February 27, 2026 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked EugeneKay (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 17 minutes (Gayer than Christmas: Asked to be banned.)
17:11, January 19, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 208.54.35.212 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (Piss poor attempt at a scam)
We asked him what his favorite thing to do was... he replied doggystyle or the Reverse Manatee. We asked him what he was doing to help the site. He replied; "Continuing to manage our social media presence, reforming project layouts to adhere to Wikimedia's formatting, and managing our e-store and donations. Also acting as our PR contact but the press isn't interested."
When we asked him if he does all these while performing the cowgirl over the top squeezedown twister-ma-jigger down-town position. He said yes, on occasional basis. He also says, "Occasionally it can get tedious so I sometimes must defer such responsibilities to a third party."
Then we asked him if he was aware the term rape can also be called a struggle snuggle. He said "Yes, and I think it's a shame that liberal political correctness has infiltrated almost every inch of our culture."
Then we asked him what he thought of Obama snaggin' our guns. He replied, "He'll get my guns when he snatches them from my cold, dead fingers, which I only have 7 of because of a loose firing pin on my Glock. Ehh, make that 6.5 actually."
Nice.
Then we asked him, "for the bright young users who migrated here and are very active, where do you see them going on this site? Any advice? Any tips? What they should do to become a better user? etc."
His advice was heart-touching. "I haven't been looking at our new users, but I encourage them to keep editing and refer their friends to do the same. We hope to have cash prize contests again so I encourage them to stick around for that and other exciting things to come. One tip I could recommend is to not be a dick. Most users are very likable once you talk to them through another medium such as IRC or Skype, so don't take the editing or wiki politics personally. And they can just read all of my articles instead of the HTBFANJS. My articles are a guide and inspiration for humor."
January is over, and to sum things up; the Real Uncyclopedia is doing well. Along with the move, we had multiple features, new users, successful donations, the opping of Bizzeebeever, the new ability to check users, the return of TheLedBalloon and Dawg, etc., a new Uncyclo-project called UnVoyage, new gadgets, name changes, a new poopsmith, more boobies, and even edits from a V6 IP address! Last but not least, the USP is getting done. With contributions from ZB!
Recently, a new addition has been made to Uncyclopedia's Social Media Team. None other than the one, the only, the fabulous Sir Peasewhizz! Sir Peasewhizz has already updated the only Twitter you should care about, found here. He has also been made part of the staff for the official Uncyclopedia Facebook, found here. And if you're not following these precious and incredible feeds, then shame! Make time!!!!!...please? Thank you. Thank you.
Select User of the Week
The select user of the week for this edition of USP is Zombiebaron for carrying out the VFD orders. Or should we say, he ate them?! No? No?
Zombiebaron, are you actually gay? (asked by Frosty @ 22:29, 27 January 2013)
No.
Zombiebaron, is Frosty actually gay? (asked by Kip @ 22:56, Jan. 27, 2013)
Yes.
Zombiebaron, is your mom actually SO GHEY? (asked by RAHB @ 23:19, 27 January 2013)
Everybody's mom is SO GHEY. Giving birth is the most homosexual thing anyone can do.
I was going through my boyfriend's text messages and found that he had told his ex that she was a "sexy fox" that "anybody would be lucky to have" and he still expects me to sleep next to him tonight and I don't know how to feel. What do I do? (asked by ColinAYB @ 19:30, Sunday 27 January 2013)
First off, stop reading your boyfriend's text messages. Those are private. But here's what you should do: use his phone to text that slut all kinds of sexy stuff. Then meet up with her and have some amazing lesbian sex. Then just break up with your boyfriend and move in with her. That'll teach him!
where do I keep my keys hidden? (asked by Madclaw @ 22:11, 27 January 2013)
22:01, January 29, 2013 Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) blocked 176.249.132.5 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (SPAAAAM)
03:40, January 27, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Mr-ex777 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 minutes (Not banned enough yet: Seriously that's the best I got.)
21:06, January 26, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Kip the Dip (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 4 minutes (I found this)
06:24, January 25, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months (lol check ur irc logz)
05:52, January 25, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) resurrected RAHB (Talk | contribs) (Hawkwind. That is all.)
05:27, January 25, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked RAHB (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (SUCK MAH FAT JUICY BONER DICK)
05:25, January 25, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) resurrected Frosty (Talk | contribs) (SUCK MY DICK)
05:06, January 25, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 300 minutes (The plankets and pillon are where it's at)
05:05, January 25, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) resurrected RAHB (Talk | contribs) (Too sexy to stay banned.)
04:46, January 25, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked RAHB (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (tkaing advntage of my drinkinbg)
02:55, January 25, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) resurrected 2600:100D:B126:3798:0:0:0:103 (Talk | contribs) (Very kind chap who politely asked on IRC to be unblocked. I, personally, also think he's sexy.)
01:32, January 25, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 2600:100D:B126:3798:0:0:0:103 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day (Whatever you are on... You need to be off it.)
21:41, January 24, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) resurrected Yrtneg (Talk | contribs) (Said he was sorry...)
20:32, January 24, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Yrtneg (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (That page you created about Aimsplode wasn't very nice >.>)
Biopic of the Week
This week we spoke with the new, the mega, the Meganew! Done via IRC, we spoke with him. He had some nifty things to say for us this week during his interview!
When we spoke with Meganew, he said his intentions to for Uncyclopedia was to fuck it up keep the control stabilized whilst putting his leadership to keep Uncyclopedia as one of the top sites located on the internet! His favorite part of this plan is that he is going to use his leadership ability. He said this will be done as a result of an obvious supporting from the member-base in his political movements.
Meganew is eager to show you the Uncyclopedia Civil War thing he is doing too.
His last input was on what he thought of the first month of the Real Uncyclopedia's running. He said he thought it was rather interesting, and he is very ecstatic to see where where the new site goes over the next few years!
So there you have it folks! Give a good old round of applause for the talented Meganew!
Aye! Yes, it is true. January is now over. So we're into to February 2013, where the second month of the new site is bound to be kickin'! Am I right or am I right? Well, here's some news that you can get excited for. With the conclusion of January 2013, we have the 2012 Year Award winners implanted into the sexy body of Uncyclopedia History and boy do we have some happy users out there! After a close competition in each category, (which wasn't rigged at all!) behold the users whom gained more "jazzy-ness" from the conclusion of the voting!
A trophy for winners!
First off, the Writer of the Year is none other than the killer... the froggy... TKF! TKF won Writer of the Year 2012 with 8 for votes and a baby-slapping 15.5 features tallied for the year twenty-twelve. Coming in second place was Funnybony with 5 votes and 14 features in 2012! Xamralco came in third with 3 votes for and most of his 2012 features being Top features of the month!
Second off we have Uncyclopedian of the Year. The winners of UOTY 2012 is a tie between the recently opped in January '13 and quite picture-n-tech master; Bizzeebeever. Who did he tied with? Oh, just the newly opped in September of 2012; the young Australian divinity Frosty! Both had 9 for votes! Coming in 3rd place was Romartus, an admin who chose to stay with the old site, who received a pretty good 6 votes for. Good competition boys!
Third off is Potatochopper of the Year (AKA Radical-X of the Year). Who is this winner? Going for the double crown after winning the Uncyclopedian of the Year along with Frosty, is Bizzeebeever! Great pictures man! Great pictures! Not only did he win by an impression-pushing 8 votes in his favor, but he was so good he scared away competition! He was the only nominee and obviously nobody else was nominated because everyone knows that BB would crush his competition. We're not kidding...
Another trophy for the winners!
May the fourth be Gobshite of Ultimate in 2012. Being the only two gobshites nominated, the two tied and were written down in shame Uncyclopedian history. Who were these fine young users? Only your very own Zombiebaron and Olipro!
Now we have the month awards for January 2013. Categories are: n00b of the Moment, Uncyclopedian of the Month, Useless Gobshite of the Month, and the Foolitzer Prize for January 2013! What? You're wondering why Writer of the Month wasn't mentioned? Well, um... nobody nommed anyone worthy and actually there was only like 3 votes. And the most someone got was one vote for. So make something happen for February's Writer of the Month this time around! GO! GO! GO! POWER RANGERS! The same with Potatochopper of the Month, what up with that? Huh? Huh? TELL ME.
Y, who received 5 for votes won the NOTM for January of 2013. There was a tie for Uncyclopedian of the Month, the MoveCabal and Sir Peasewhizz both mustered up the minimum 5 for votes to hold co-ownership of the January 2013 Uncyclopedian of the Month award-title-thing. For the Useless Gobshite of the Month, Zombiebaron won with 6 for votes, being the only nominee. With 3 for votes, Bill Melater won the January 2013 Foolitzer Prize! Also being a single nominee in a category.
Well, congratulations to all winners of something, something! Keep on being aggressive, because a few categories have been already entered by users in a February 2013 campaign! And for the Year Awards, see you again in January 2014 and right here with the winners in February 2014. And also, voting records can be found right here and over here.
Well, I didn't update this Sunday, but that's my fault. Anyways...
After a serious level of contention on VFS, a conclusion was reached, one that I personally feel was poorly made. Instead of allowing Wikia Uncyc to "reap what they sow," as the old proverb goes, ChiefjusticeDS felt he simply had to intervene. As such, he eliminated Aimsplode's nomination and permabanned him from the site.
Admittedly, I was in favor of aim becoming an admin, but not for the reasons everyone thinks. I'm of the opinion that you should suffer the full rewards or consequences of your choices. With the populace having voted for Aimsplode, despite Chief's attempt to eliminate his nomination twice before his permanent termination of it, it's only fair that the Wikia site gets a Nazi as an admin. That's what they want, so that's what they'll get. It's like vandalism: Sure, you can vandalize Uncyclopedia all you want, but you'll suffer the consequences of that. In that case, a ban.
As someone who considers himself to have a more traditional view of things, I fully believe that ChiefjusticeDS had no reason to stick his nose in the business of the userspace. Were Aimsplode to have proven himself to be a good admin, he would've stayed. Were he to have been of poor quality, his employment would be terminated. Point is, either way, they would've got what they asked for.
Speaking of Aimsplode, he's been doing a good job of terminating all proof of his existence elsewhere on the internet. From Habbo to Deviantart, and even I can haz cheezburger, he has tried to terminate his existence from the web. Perhaps there is more to this pseudo-Nazi then any of us know...
Another update, another day. Keep checking back on your daily USP for the next update on the Uncyc Cold War.
Cheers!
Ask Zombiebaron
Do you watch children's cartoons anymore? (asked by Cat the Colourful @ 09:39, 31 January, 2013)
Yeah, all the time. Right now I am watching the DCAU, currently I'm on the second season of Superman. Batman: The Animated Series is seriously awesome.
How much Zombiebaron could a Zombiebaron Zombiebaron if a Zombiebaron could Zombie Baron? (asked by Methamphetamine! @ 2013-01-27 18:55)
A whole bunch.
Why am I such a faggot? (asked by Y at Jan 29 2013 00:38)
Both of your parents are faggots.
I spilled cocaine on a math assignment that I handed in to my teacher, and now I'm afraid that she's addicted to giving out homework. What do I do? (asked by Colin "All your base" Heaney @ 10:07, Friday 01 February 2013)
Buy more cocaine.
What is the meaning of life? (asked by Sir Peasewhizz @ 00:31, 31 January 2013)
Life is meaningless. The only thing that is certain is that we will all one day die. Except some of us don't stay dead.
20:16, February 4, 2013 Dawg (Talk | contribs) blocked 189.62.23.61 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 months (Inserting nonsense/gibberish into pages: Blanker/gibberish inserter.)
05:11, February 4, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Page blanking troll 2 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 years (You are undoubtedly the most pathetic vandal ever. See you in another 5 years???)
22:48, February 1, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 2.216.151.169 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day (That thing you did... Don't do it again)
05:44, January 31, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) resurrected RAHB (Talk | contribs) (To be fair, I would have blown you but I didn't want my breath to smell like whiskey and old socks.)
05:14, January 31, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked RAHB (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month (refsuing to giev me head transpaciifically)
05:14, January 31, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Ljlego (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month (wlecome baxck and a heartty FFUUUUUUUUCK you (im really duruk btw))
Select User of the Week
The select user of the week for this edition of USP is Frosty for coming up with a quite sexy idea to solve an issue with VFH. Give him some love! Yeah... that's nice.
Important Tip of the Week
When you are in France, assuming all the girls aren't wearing any underpants is rude. Dang flabbit, keep it to yourself!
Biopic of the Week
During this edition of the USP's Biopic of the Week, we will look at the chat with the one and only Kip the Dip, whose 6th Uncycloversary will be coming on the 13th.
Kip: Xtreme Paint Drying is exactly how I would describe Uncyclopedia in a nutshell.
USP: And what part of these six long, hard years was the most fun? What about the worst? Was there a time where you just could have killed someone? Was there a time where you could have had an orgasm just because of something cool happening?
Kip: That Mr. Winkler controversy was pretty fun, because that's one of the major classic dramafests of which I actually got to take part. My worst time at Uncyclopedia was definitely my first year when I epitomized dipshitttery. Receiving serious infinibans from the likes of Famine, Hinoa and Zombiebaron was soul-crushing. My best time, however, would be when I finally won UotM. It felt like I had finally broke out of my shell and became a valued member of the community. The fact that it took place at Christmas time only enhanced it, as I shine brighter than the Rockefellar tree in December. Reflecting back, I wouldn't trade my experience at Uncyclopedia for anything. Except money, fame and love.
Kip: Taking Uncyclopedia seriously while never taking myself seriously. Secondly, Bizzeebeever recently described me as the Dr. Frankenstein of in-jokes. I have a talent in taking the silly and low-brow to high places.
USP: What would your advice for the newcomers to arrive in the future be?
Recently, we have seen the return of many passionate members of the community, which have seen the return of Uncyc daylight upon arrival. Was that a run-on sentence? Idk... anywaaaays. So the point is, Ljlego has returned recently, and so has Dawg. I bring these two in particular because Ljlego and Dawg have revealed over the IRC hints that they wish to stay here, on the new site. Ljlego was looking to get an Uncyclopedia cloak, while Dawg just plain out said he was interested in staying. To sum it up, yay more returnees! Go Jesus!
Oh yeah, and you can join the Proofreading Service. This is basically the Grammar nazi equivalent to the Poopsmith Lounge... only less dead and slightly more squeamish.
Lol, no. Just kidding. But hasn't it come to most people's minds that maybe, possibly the Wikia's members are curious to what is going on in here (Bitches, alcohol, and partying) and might come sneak by? Well, first off Chief banned BB on the Wikia and set up a spam account here. BB found out that Chief was the account owner of the vandalizing account and banned both of them. Though Lyrithya unbanned Chief. W.O.W. Gay.
Keep your eyes open, boys. Or not, it's not like they mean harm. What do you take me for? Pulixer? lol no.
Okay, so most of you ungrateful bastards won't update your Hall of Shame entrees yourself. Well, did you even see that forum link? It even said "SIGN HERE FUCKERS". Yeah, that's right. Please, go update your Hall of Shame entrees and/or help me update those who don't update their HOS entrees. Man, that was pretty awkwardly worded. However, still. This task isn't easy. Much help is needed. USE THE EFFIN' FORCE, I KNOW THERE'S JEDIS WITHIN OUR RANKS!!
BUT SERIOUSLY.
Ask Zombiebaron
Sorry, he's not giving advice on Valentine's Day. We don't need little pregnant babies because ZB told you cut a hole in the condom for maximum results. He'll answer next issue and the ones after that. Or we'll kill him.
21:18, February 11, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) to an expiry time 6 minutes (I noticed you blocked me or 5 minutes, so I am doing you one better!)
21:17, February 11, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 minutes (I noticed you blocked me or 5 minutes, so I)
08:52, February 11, 2013 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 minutes (Demonstrating the use of the block form)
02:36, February 9, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 210.157.20.86 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (Gayer than Christmas)
19:51, February 8, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 174.98.30.117 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (wut)
03:21, February 8, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 211.201.143.146 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day (That thing you did was silly)
21:18, February 7, 2013 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) resurrected ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) (Ha ha ha funny.)
21:07, February 7, 2013 Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ((Good luck, ChiefjusticeDS. I liked you too, but you're the one violating Rule 2, and while this block is essentially meaningless, let me just say... enjoy eternity. (DO NOT UNBLOCK))
20:54, February 7, 2013 Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for Brigate Marroncinostellate (Talk | contribs) to an expiry time infinite (Serious wanker. I know who you is.)
18:47, February 7, 2013 Dawg (Talk | contribs) blocked 174.138.213.95 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day (Inserting nonsense/gibberish into pages)
Select User of the Week
The select user of the week is a tie between Dawg and Ljlego. Both returnees have dedicated their livesagainst will to work for the best community out there, Uncyclopedia!
Well, this one's a bit late, but still important. Illogicopedia has considered moving their hosting over to the Free Uncyc servers, netting a nifty anti-Wikia deal. As well, a series of "hate bans" occurred recently, involving ChiefjusticeDS banning people on the Wikia site, and a sockpuppet of his being banned on this site.
It has come to the attention of this fine news source that Uncyclopedia is being overrun by robots, displacing tens of writers on a daily basis. After we realized they might be useful (in spite of lacking a sense of humour and soul), we captured and trained a couple of them to deliver the UnSignpost for us. To appease these ravenous automatons, we were forced to switch to categories from our archaic signup list. You may have noticed a new template on your page, which should be placed on the page you wish to have your UnSignpost delivered, where it will be dropped at the bottom (as always). Please refrain from petting the robots, as they may bite (we're working on that with them).
One of these 'bots (as we call them) was easier to train and has assisted us in huffing literally hundreds of old (pre-2011) User: and User_talk: pages for anonymous IPs. They're now working deep in the bowels of the site removing crap categories and fixing broken stuff.
The one attached to Dawg has the painfully unfunny name of DawgBot, and the one attached to Sir Peasewhizz is suspiciously not a bot at all. He's the... the... OH GOD NO. HE'S THE SLENDERMAN. AHHHHH!!!
DEATH TO BRONIES IS AT HAND? OR IS IT THE DEATH OF THE INTERNET???
Will this message be the discovery of the century????
Well, I was cracking codes in wingdings this day and I found the message at the right when I typed "MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC" In ALL CAPS in wingdings. This magnificent message, according to our codecrackers, might mean that the death of the Internet is caused by bronies. This message starts with a bomb and a Jew star, in which the bomb represents October 10, 2010 while the Jew star represents the money-makers of Hasbro. Then it is followed by a sadface, a palm, 2 snowflakes, another sadface, and a finger pointing left. This might mean that 2010 is the winter and sorrow of all franchises, caused by cooperate corruption and...bronies. Both can be read as: "In the day of the bomb, all franchises will be corrupted".
The third sentence is pointed flag, flag, skull, Jew star and computer, which might represent the death and conquest of the internet. The fourth sentence is a finger pointing right, a sun, a finger pointing left, a skull, a thumbs down finger, a water drip, a palm, and a pointed flag. This possibly represents that a dawn of death will rise, all the straight men will fight, and finally the dawn of death will make them bleed.
The fifth sentence is palm, water drip, bomb, two fingers, one finger, palm and thumbs up. This might represent that we are currently on a countdown to demise. HOW TERRIBLE IS THAT??????
Fortunately, there is good news. The good news is that the same might be used against the bronies, and if this happens it might read as:
The bomb had set by the Jews and franchises are corrupted. But now, we will conquer over the terror. they might fight the dawn but they will bleed. The bronies are on the countdown to demise.
This is a two sided prophecy. nevertheless, The war against faggotry will eventually prevail.
Aleister snags the Hall of Shame lead with 67 features!
As of February 19th of 2013, Aleister (formerly Aleister in Chains) leads the Hall of Shame with 67 features. Which article robbed Soggy's and Aleister's tie at 66 features? None other than probably the most boring material to work with, but it happened; UnBooks Biography:The guy who invented soap! Go read it! And also, you must go read the rest Aleister's features. Or else. You can access them here. Remember, we're watching!
Ask Zombiebaron
Dear, Zombiebaron, please explain the 2nd law of thermodynamics in six words or less. (asked by RAHB)
Hot stuff is thermodynamic, that's it.
Zombiebaron, mares eat oats, and does eat oats, and little lambs eat ivy. A kid'll eat ivy too, wouldn't you? (asked by Aleister)
Yeah probably, if I was really hungry and there was no real food.
Nothing means anything. Everything just is. There is no meaning of undeath.
Zombie, what is your favorite weight-loss diet? (asked by Simsilikesims)
Life is short, eat whatever you want. Don't change your diet to conform to society's outrageous standards of outward beauty.
Hypothetically speaking, say you and I were to suddenly decide one day to sail the Mediterranean Sea in search of various treasures, and hypothetically, we crash our boat on a deserted island. Now... hypothetically, we try to signal for a rescue for any planes passing by, but hypothetically, that proves uneventful, seeing as this island is buried under massive amounts of fog. However, we are able to setup a hypothetical shanty campsite using nothing but bamboo and wood we've collected from fallen trees, and eventually (but hypothetically), we're even able to create a water purification system after our supply of bottled water runs out. But one day, while attempting to catch fish, we discover this hypothetically deserted island is not deserted at all. In fact, it happens to be populated by a completely hypothetical tribe of cannibals who are fresh on our trail. Hypothetically, we must build a raft and escape the island. After two weeks of evading the cannibals, we finally manage to build this raft and we set sail once again. Hypothetically speaking, of course. Sadly, we only manage to make it less than a mile from the island before a giant hypothetical wave forces us to crash and endure the cold, murky waters. Hypothetically, we're able to swim back to the shore but because of the time we spent in the water, I've contracted a hypothetical case of pneumonia. What's worse is that we've hypothetically used all of our Kleenex supplies in our old water purification system, meaning I'm left with a very runny nose and no hypothetical way of treating it. My question is, will you let me blow my nose in your butt cheeks? (asked by Supergeeky1)
10:02, February 20, 2013 Hotadmin4u69 (Talk | contribs) blocked Sir Peasewhizz (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 69 seconds (Put this in your USP and smoke it.)
03:20, February 17, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (You hath been fought. You lose!)
Featured Article of the Week
The featured article of the week is: Saw
IRC Log of the Week
[12:57] Mr-ex777 HERO: faggotry is the biggest sin.
[12:57] HERO no
[12:57] HERO its one of them
[12:57] Mr-ex777 HERO: of the internet
[12:57] HERO you damn skippy
[12:58] HERO turns into a black cat and jumps on Mr-ex777's head. Looks down in his face."Meow?"
[13:00] HERO Stays on Mr-ex777's head. Just sits there.
[13:02] Mr-ex777 HERO: Jews did wtc? nope, YOU did WTC
[13:02] HERO ?
[13:02] Mr-ex777 they just mistook you as jew
Select User of the Week
The select user of the week is again, Dawg for lots of hard effort in deleting outdated pages!
Confucius says
If you wiggle your pinky up and down inside your ear, it sound like pacman.
Rock and roll make good half breakfast.
Girl named Paige Turner love to read.
Dieting is wishful shrinking.
Sexy typist will bang on keyboard.
Biopic of the Week
This week we spoke with RAHB over the IRC. We did a Q&A of 3 questions.
USP: First question. If you had to fuck a Muppet, which Muppet would you fuck and why?
RAHB: Lola because I bet she could turn me inside out with those lips. Wait. Is her name Lola? The one with big lips and no eyes? Janice. That’s the one. Yes, Janice.
USP: Second question. If you could kill any musician, which musician would you kill?
RAHB: If I could kill any musician I would kill the first musician ever, just to see if it would have any effect on the development of music beyond that.
Like, if I went back in time and killed Ugg before he found out he could make a percussive sound out of two rocks, would today's contemporary music be entirely recorded in reverse?
Who knows?!
USP: Third question. Do you come here often, baby?
Only when I get a tip that there's some good zombiedick hanging around.
And there you have it, folks! RAHB!
Nothing is happening here at all. So stop looking. Wait, look at this picture!
Sir Peasewhizz's mother. An example of accuracy and truth-in-advertising.
We Here At The UnSignpost™ bear a strong commitment to accuracy—in fact, the UnSignpost is required by law to print at least one truthful statement per issue in order to retain our status as a tax-exempt organic fish-cannery.[1] We believe that our track record speaks for itself: in our nearly 45 months of existence, the USP has printed only 243 retractions, a full 20% of which were not ordered by a court.
It was with some consternation, therefore, that we discovered a massive error in our reporting. In recent weeks, former USP editor and general mensch ChiefjusticeDS was repeatedly identified by the UnSignpost as being a "putrid puddle of poodle puke", and also as having been "perm-banned" for vandalizing the new Uncyclopedia with sockpuppet accounts. While the first statement remains an object of controversy, the second one could not be further from the truth. ChiefjusticeDS is one of the least-likely vandals in the history of Uncyclopedia; furthermore, our research indicates that he is not actually aware of the new Uncyclopedia, and while his lawyers apparently are, he is currently blithely executing his sysop duties on the old site, much as a mother elephant seal mournfully attends the corpse of her crushed pup.
We would like to take this opportunity to apologize profusely for any inconveniences this erroneous reporting has caused anyone. While we have traced the original mistake to confusion on the part of ourcorrespondents (who are possessed of more eagerness than brains), the final blame must lie at the feet of our fact-checking department; we intend to take them thoroughly to task for their laziness and inattention, just as soon as we figure out how to fire people who don't exist.
On a related note, we would like to issue the following corrections and clarifications:
On page 43 of last week's Lifestyle section, an article titled "Fun snacks for kids" erroneously identified nitroglycerin as a "delicious pudding substitute". According to the American Society of Nutritionists, nitroglycerin is unsuitable for children's meals, as it contains dangerous levels of saturated fat.
The last name of U.S. House of Representatives Speaker John Boehner does not rhyme with "butt-pipe", as was reported in last week's Capitol Review section.
Libel and copyright lawyers are not composed entirely of "snot". Any statements to the contrary (including emails and anonymous missives tied to bricks) should be construed as merely opinion.
So, even if it has felt like a long past couple of weeks, bring your spirits up! We can help, because there is the PLS coming up soon. So yeah, I know this is short. But it's longer than you. HA! HA! HA!
No, but seriously. Consider doing the Poo Lit Surprise or ELSE.
I believe that we can neither prove nor disprove conclusively the existence of demons. It seems likely, however, that demons are merely characters invented by the human mind as a personification of our own evil desires and impulses, as a story to scare children, and as a sexual fantasy for octogenarians.
I'm sick of you! I'm gonna get you, Zombiebaron. I'm gonna get you! How do you like those particular apples? (asked by Roman Dog Bird)
You still owe me $20 and I told you last time that half an apple is not real money.
21:13, February 25, 2013 Legoktm (Talk | contribs) blocked Miwa (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Just stop.)
11:13, February 24, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Neo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (You are dumb)
05:36, February 24, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 186.5.116.114 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months (u have aids)
20:27, February 21, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) resurrected Kelton2 (Talk | contribs) (Repented for his sins. Is also getting me hot.)
Biopic of the Week: Strainj1
The Biopic of the Week is usually written by a USP correspondent, but the interview with this week's subject yielded a paragraph so excellent that we couldn't possibly do better. Although we could certainly do worse. Strainj1 is one of our "newer" users (we think, although he has probably been here since 2009—we can't be bothered to check). In his own words:
“
I'm from Gympie, which is quite clearly the center of the universe. My real name is Nils, which to be honest a quick Google search with that fact and my username would probably lead FAR too easily to my full identity. My surname is VERY Asian sounding, even though my entire genealogy is Northern Europe (Danish and Dutch mainly) - feel free to say as much about vikings as you like, because I'm totally like one. As far as dependents go, I own a small dog, and an awesome purple party house, complete with and a discoball and laser lights controlled by a party switch. My parents' immigration status is all good - however my dad did just marry a Ugandan woman, and my sister is a statistical mathematician in Switzerland. But that's all legit yeah? I meanwhile coast through life in a full time job that is more varied than the colours on the walls in my ridiculously multicoloured toilet. I'd also like to state that every statement in this paragraph is NOT a lie.
”
Confucius Say
Unborn twins are womb-mates
Installing fan can be a breeze
Heck is where those go who don't believe in Gosh.
Couple who sleep in water bed start to drift apart.
When man go to court, he put his fate into hands of people not smart enough to get out of jury duty.
If you haven't heard the sad, sad news; TKF (formerly Thekillerfroggy) has announced his departure from Uncyclopedia as an Uncyclopedian, Admin, Bureaucrat, Legend, and Hero in the afternoon of March 2nd. With it, his reason; not enough writers who enjoy it for the fun and enjoy others work as well as he doesn't want to write anymore nor does he need to. He feels this has taken him from a shitty high-school writer to something he had gained confidence in.
Of course, he wishes us good luck and knows we'll boom with excellence in the future.
"Peasewhizz, sorry man, you've got the energy and passion but you've got a long way to go to develop your talent and rein in your hyperactive aspects. You do remind me of myself from 2006, which is to say you've got a little bit of something goin on here but it needs to be toned down a LOT. Writing-wise, you need an editor. You would benefit the most from pee review coming back. Which gives me an idea: how about instead of Pee Review, we just have writing partners or something? I dunno. But back to the point: focus less on all of the bullshit "community" stuff, stop nominating your own articles, and go back and edit all of your older things. Become embarrassed by what you wrote 3 months ago, I still do with my own articles. Read them out loud. Get better before you get bigger."
This is also his heart.
He also states he will NEVER FINISH 18TH CENTURY BIIIIIIIIITCH!
But Frosty thinks he will return, as he states (and believes) "Once an Uncyclopedian, always Uncyclopedian".
February 2013 Award Winners... also, YOU'RE DICKS!
As a wise man once said, (yesterday) "Whatintheworldofgaysex?! It's already March?" To answer that question, well, yes. You see, FEBRUARY 2013 HAS DIED. So... I guess we shall show you all the award winners of the month of February this year.
Want a plate? It is a trophy, made out of pure plate. You can eat cookies on it.
The noob of February 2013 was none other than Hoof Hearted. With a score of 5 obtained, this user has passed the ultimate liftout course and went on to claiming this sexy title. Still up there, ready to take March by the balls, is ProfessorScience. Hoof Hearted, however, has left ProfessorScience a strong against vote stating that the humor ProfessorScience gives out was hard to find funny. Sorry, but THAT WAS MEAN. I mean, such n00Bz voted against more than once in this month's Noob of the Moment contest.
And guess who was the UOTM? DUH! None other than MadMax, whom we all knew would win. However, we boggled and offended that this guy only won once before claiming this month's UOTM title. Wow. Not cool, bros. But hey, does his 2007 Uncyclopedian of the Year title override this? Well, fuck, now I'm trying to figure that out. Thanks for putting my head into a crisis-like state. I love you for this.
Ask Zombiebaron
Why does How It's Made give me a boner? (asked by RAHB)
I think the real question is how could the perfect combination of Lynne Adams's terrible monotone narration and the shine of mechanically precise cold polished steel not give you a boner. How It's Made is basically porn.
20:45, March 4, 2013 Legoktm (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for 115.25.216.6 (Talk | contribs) to an expiry time 2 years (You are editing on a gay proxy. As such you are banned, sucks don't it? Spam, eh? More like WHAM, amirite?)
20:04, February 28, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) resurrected Mike the Great (Talk | contribs) (lol naw I suck cocks)
20:03, February 28, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Mike the Great (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months (Needs to be unblocked as part of the test. I still don't see any malted milk balls.)
19:49, February 28, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Mike the Great (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 10 minutes (Is conducting some sort of test. Personally, I hope it involves malted milk bals.)
00:30, February 27, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 212.59.28.95 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 year (Block, just a block: Hello and bye (don't come back pls))
IRC Log
<derpyy> I'LL CUM TOO MUCH AND DIE!
<UncycBot> <derpyy> I am very happy for you.
<derpyy> This damn pussy of yours is also just a pussy!
<UncycBot> <derpyy> Oh now I see.
<derpyy> FULL THROTTLE EROTICA!
<UncycBot> <derpyy> That remark was either too complex or too simple for me. We were talking about dicks car.
<Frostee> derpyy is gay like UncycBot
<UncycBot> <Frostee> I think derpyy is a lot of things.
<derpyy> My vagina hungers!
<UncycBot> <derpyy> Where did you get your vagina hungers?
<derpyy> THE LIPS OF MY WOMB ARE CONGESTED WITH BLOOD AND SUCKLING ON THE TIP OF HIS DICK LIKE A BABY BEING PAMPERED! <3
Biopic: In Their Own Words
This week, we are debuting the UnSignpost's "Biopic: In Their Own Words", which is to say, we are so incredibly lazy that we can't even make up our own bullshit anymore. In fact, we are so lazy that we debuted this feature several weeks ago, but were too lazy to announce it until now.
I'm originally from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The first article that comes to mind as a favorite is Inebriated'sThe fact that you don't want a poodle. I'm 18 years old, I turn 19 on April 2nd. Politically I veer left like I'm driving drunk. If hip-hop and rap music were classes in high school I would be valedictorian. I sometimes do drugs. My favorite book is Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Arrested Development and Firefly are the best shows ever. On the site I don't do a hell of a lot besides write articles about 9/11 and related topics. I've goatse'd the main page not once, but twice.
”
So There You Have It! Colin is a terrificguy who enjoys urban music, weed, and timeless Internet memes. (For future reference, Colin, we're in ur base, killin all ur doods.)
Confucius say
Business can mean bad or good. When it is none of your business it cannot be either
AIDS do not help body
First crush feel heavy, second crush feel heavier
Math class is full of drama. There are so many problems to work out
A group called Balloons sings pop music
Random Article of the Week
This week, we shall have five random articles BECAUSE WE CAN! Mmhhhmm. Son.
Yes, salad. It has come to my attention that Uncyclopedians are simply not consuming enough of it. Ladies and gentlemen, we here at the Unsignpost implore of you, we beg you, to eat more salad. Why should you eat more salad? Well you only need to look at the facts to find the answer:
Salad is delicious when garnished with a honey-baked ham.
Salad is the number one cause of anti-cancer in America, having been documented in over six million cases.
Salad is an excellent nutritional source of salad.
Salad fought in World War II so you didn't have to.
But clearly, this is not all that salad is capable of. Clearly a great cosmic injustice is being done by not mentioning salad's tremendous influence on the Russian space program, 80% of whose members consume salad on a regular basis, some more than once a day. But that's not all. Several tremendously influential figures in scientific history, including Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, Carl Sagan, and Billy Mays, have admitted to having consumed salad at least once in their lifetime, sometimes even while doing important scientificthings! Sexy sweet Mary, it's true!
This is not a picture of salad.
In fact, most major celebrities (the attractive ones, you know) are regular salad masticators. Lady Gaga, for example, may be best known for wearing a meat suit, but she is also well-known for eating salad. If by "well-known", you mean "she does it and nobody makes much of a fuss." Same goes for the salad eating.
Salad is known to have cured countless diseases, voted tremendously in favor of liberal politics, saved at least three dolphin from inconveniently placed tar deposits, fixed a plethora of flat tires on the side of United States interstate highways, eliminated the existence of internet memes, punched Adolf Hitler in the face, gone toe-to-toe with John Wayne in a cage match, and given a lustrous sheen to the coats of some of the world's prettiest felines.
If you had to fuck one salad which salad would you fuck and why? (asked by Zombiebaron)
I would fuck the caesar salad at the all-you-can-eat buffet near my parent's house. Best salad I have ever eaten.
My wife wants to toss my salad but I am afraid of lettuce. What should we do? (asked by Zombiebaron)
Sometimes when I make a salad I use pickles instead of lettuce.
If you could give one piece of advice to a young amateur trying to break into the world of professional salad craftsmanship, what would that be? (asked by Zombiebaron)
Salads come in all shapes and forms. Be original, make a salad that represents you.
00:40, March 9, 2013 Legoktm (Talk | contribs) blocked Lego-KLM (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Unacceptable username: Spelled incorrectly.)
22:52, March 8, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Pablo Manitoba (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Please donate to Uncyclopedia!)
07:31, March 8, 2013 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 112.111.160.35 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month (piss off)
Yes, folks! Mordillo's back! ZOMG!
IRC Log Of The Century
<ghostninja> my eyes then gaze upon Olipro's dual-genitalia
<ghostninja> i quickly get wet again
<Hotadmin4u69> understandable
A picture of someone who we assume greatly resembles Multiliteralist.
Biopic: In Their Own Words Multiliteralist here looks like spongy potluck in potluck in the field in homo? Are you wonder how tomatoes ghost it up? AHEM He has also worked tirelessly toward reviving both UnNews and the art of surrealism since his recent return to Uncyclopedia, which makes us just positively horny inside. Just think of all the olives! We interviewed the legendary taxidermist this week in order to find out what makes him tick.[1] He had the following to say:
I'm a rugged Caucasian male from the Caucasus mountains. Everyone secretly wants to get laid by me. My personal philosophy is this is OK. My purpose at Uncyclopedia is to leave and come back again after a cooling-off period, again and again. Crimean war fucking sucked.
This is particularly enlightening in the case of AHEM the modern anti-vice table in front of abortions yet closing remarks about remarks are they became:
Closing remarks are for pussies.
Fleasy. Get a pies.
↑As it turns out, the source happened to be a small wall clock that inexplicably follows him around, hovering in the air, everywhere he goes. Scientists are debating what this means to the future of space travel.
If you haven't heard, the "lovely" and "beautiful" Jew / Cabal runner named Mordillo, who left in 2011, has decided to return. It's not official yet, he's just made a couple of edits, but WHO GIVES A DAMN. Let's just say he's back. We will now have our (nonexistent) cabal back with our favourite Jewish Uncyclopedian, kakun Mordillo. Let's give him a big round of applause. And remember kids, there is no cabal.
This is a picture. My little brother did it. He hates you. With love.
Yes, we're doing it. We're doing it. We're doing it, if you know what we mean. And not only is it great that we're bringing it back since the 99th issue of the UnSignpost (8 issues from 100th anniversary of the section departure), but it makes it extra special that it's Why?:Your cat died making it on the big screen for its return! This, we swear, was not an incident of Sir Peasewhizz[1] taking advantage of his abilities during the construction of the USP this week. And we're totally not promoting propaganda. Sillies.
If you haven't already heard (which you probably have), RAHB started a vote to give bureaucrat rights to MadMax, the awesome admin. In a 14–0 vote, Dawg gave him the rights on the 16th. Now, this obviously raised the age old question - what is MadMax's use of this user right?
13:33, March 14, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) resurrected Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) (ERROR: USER IS TOO SEXY TO BE BANNED)
13:31, March 14, 2013 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (I'm not a noob, I'm simply not Zombiebaron. *Hail! Hail*)
06:33, March 14, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 193.44.1.86 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (Wankstain)
01:47, March 14, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 71.200.243.166 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months (fuck off and dont ever return ty)
21:55, March 13, 2013 Legoktm (Talk | contribs) blocked Zombiemoron (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Not being Zombiebaron)
IRC Log Of The Week
<Kippy> You know chaos theory and/or the Butterfly Effect? What if it could cause ripples through the spacetime continuum? Like, say, I farted while peeing and retroactively caused the Holocaust.
<Strainj1> hahaha
<Strainj1> it probably did
<Kippy> :O
<Kippy> A sandwich caused one of the World Wars, so I'm not ruling it out.
<Strainj1> probably a pastrami and cucumber sandwich
<Strainj1> they're evil
Biopic: In Their Own Words
SKIZZERZ IN ACTION.
Skizzerz takes the seat in the the one and only Biopic of the Week, only available on demand! Well, before we start, you need to know that Skizzerz's natural habitat is on the IRC and lurks within the darkness! So, that'll be a reason you don't know who he is if you are stupid and are one of those who don't! Here's what Skizzerz had to tell the press:
Uh, well I'm a collegestudent who likes computers, wikis, video games, and girls. Over the years I've been mostly hanging out on Uncyc's IRC chan and not really editing much (read: I only edit when Zombiebaron tells me to). My favorite article is probably the one where it tells you not to click any links, and my favorite year would probably be 2013 because we (finally) left Wikia.
And this was his closing remark:
Don't expect me to be any more active because of this, I have the title of "resident lurker" to uphold after all! :P
Rick, this is a bad time. A very, very, very bad time. I'm so sorry. But, hey! Listen. You can't be mad at me. You shan't be mad at me! Even though you hired me to babysit your cat, it was not my fault! Now the reason why Mr. Snickermuffins died is not one that could be easily taken for truth. But, in this case, it was what happened. I swear! What are you doing Rick? Stop searching for evidence and knifes! DAMMIT RICK! RICK! I can explain! Just stop panicking, Rick! God dammit! Rick. Listen.(Full article...)
People scoring 70 out of 100 points (passing GPA :D) were Aleister (with Second conquest of the moon as her topic), Sir Peasewhizz (with Ding dong ditching houses as his topic, but later changed it to an UnBooks), IFYMB! (with his UnReview of the Crimean War) and Zombiebaron with his book about meeting his enemy on that one day. He scored 97 out of 100 points, which is quite considerably erotic.
So, for once, we ask you! What did you think? Did you love it? Did you love the HMC this year? You better have, or we'd be sad.
14:59, March 27, 2013 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 178.141.80.239 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day (DAAS FYHJG SDF F GGF GGGSDSA)
06:45, March 27, 2013 Legoktm (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for 5.254.133.90 (Talk | contribs) to an expiry time 6 months (I do not like green eggs and spam.)
06:45, March 27, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 5.254.133.90 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (I do not like green eggs and spam.)
21:33, March 24, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Shemap Wolvan (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 years (THANKS FOR THE VALUABLE CONTRIBUTIONS!)
21:38, March 23, 2013 Hotadmin4u69 (Talk | contribs) resurrected Zana Dark (Talk | contribs) (Been a year but let's see if she will even return.)
17:19, March 22, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 151.230.196.240 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month (Test drive getting banned)
IRC Log Of The Week
<SirPeasewhizz> lol
<derpyy> lol HOLOCAUST denial is gay
<Kippy> BEAKING NEWS: THE SITE IS BACK UP
<Hotadmin4u69> HOMOSEXUALITY
Biopic: In Their Own Words
THIS IS HOW CRAZY RAFAEL REALLY IS! CRAAAAAAAAZZYYY!!
In this issue on this given week, we interview the very crazy one: Very Crazy Rafael! This man is commonly more seen lurking around IRC and hasn't made his user page yet. So red links are his thing. But this is what this CRAZY Rafael had to say to the press:
I found the Wiki on July 17, 2008. I am Brazilian, so I'm user of the Portuguese version: "Desciclopédia." My first article was about Jerusalem, translated from the English version. My best article is about the game: Grand Theft Auto IV. I'm male, I'm 18. I am practicing law.
Sideboob comes into play when a fashionable upper-class woman wants you to lust after her breasts, but can still live with herself in polite society. Sideboob, which is a peek-a-boo look at the side of either one or both breasts, aesthetically enhances any situation in which it appears. In fact, in our virtual/material/antropological world, good Sideboob is usually so attention-grabbing that all of the other objects of attraction in the vicinity can only brood silently, start the toe tapping thing, get into the arms crossed pose, and then storm out. That is the power of Sideboob. (Full article...)
Yes, it's true. After only three months of sickly sweet freedom, our "Free" Uncyclopedia has broken. As the main page announced only days ago, our brief period of independence has come to an end, and it is now time to reconcile with the welcoming - if brutally oppressive - arms of Wikia. Or, in the bittersweet, tear-wrenching words of RAHB; "All will be assimilated into the bliss of the Grand Wikia Empire. Those who resist will be disposed of." Amen to that!
Maybe years in the future, we will even look back and say that the day we repented was the day that everything changed for the better. A date that will surely go down in history for Uncyclopedia: April the 1st.
... Wait, April the 1st? You guys fucking got me again, didn't you? Oh, wow.
(Thanks to Kip the Dip for the awesome April Fools Main Page!)
So... what did you do this Easter Sunday? Did you even celebrate Easter? Did you see any bunnies in your house hiding eggs? Laying eggs? Making you "special candy"? I know I sure did! If you're not doing anything next year 'round, you could do some of these things; kill a baby, do nothing, watch baseball, make a sandwich, skateboard, eat soup, and worship SatanJesus! Happy Easter from the UnSignpost! Ruining your lives since 2008!
Ask Zombiebaron
Will you answer this question? (asked by Hotadmin4u69)
Why did ^ those two do what I was just about to do? (asked by Multiliteralist)
Because none of you are creative enough to come up with cool questions like "Is eating my own poop kosher?" (The answer is "It depends on what the poop is made out of")
Does salad have inherently supernatural qualities? (asked by RAHB)
Yes. If you eat enough salad you will turn into a supernatural dirty hippie. It is magic.
21:25, April 2, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Frank Zappa (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (I will always remember the day that I blocked Frank Zappa from uncyclopedia :D)
21:36, April 1, 2013 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked This Is The End (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (The cabal wishes it)
19:24, March 30, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 221.130.18.183 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months (this IP has aids)
21:37, March 29, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a goose (Making up silly block reasons just to get in the USP)
19:17, March 29, 2013 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Sir Peasewhizz (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 12 seconds (I've had it with these motherfuckin' UnSignposts without my motherfuckin' name linked in them. Put this ban in the ban log plz. ; D)
11:23, March 29, 2013 MadMax (Talk | contribs) blocked Malamammais (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (<-- I'm with stupid.)
01:53, March 29, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 212.203.83.90 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (suck my dick or get the fuck out)
Biopic: In Their Own Words
This week, we traveled to Saskatchewan to visit the ancient and revered Taiwanese sheep herder Lon Chang Eee, to ask him about his rich and storied life experiences traveling the Earth and meeting its various peoples. Unfortunately, he was not home. So instead, we interviewed Madclaw. When we arrived, he was naked and entirely covered in mustard, prompting us to ponder why we didn't come to him in the first place. He told us this about himself:
"My prick is a biohazard. One......................... two................................................ three....................................... four............................................... five............................................ six............................................... seven............................................... and a half................. inches. And due to the large amount of pubic hair you almost can't see the genital warts."
Speaking of my prick I once tried to thrust it into a grapefruit but due to the PH value of it my dickhead kept feeling a burning sensation. Fucking grapefruit give you crabs kids, unlike Grae-fruits, they give you AIDS."
He also told us that the most exciting thing he had ever stuck in his butthole was "A French hookers tiny dildo when I 69'ed her".
We can all learn a great deal from this man, who apparently also has something to do with a Star Trek fan site or something.
Since it became the world's most popular search engine, many people imagine that the Google™ corporation of California™ is a young company. However, this is not the case. Google was first registered as a trademark as long ago as 1894 and has been in business ever since, though it is only in the last decade that it has achieved the international fame that it now enjoys. (Full article...)
Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boooyyy! My cat is a horny bastard! Seriously! My cat won't shut up! He's always chewing on my chords, meowing, biting my laptop's corners (of the screen) and interrupting my Yankees baseball game! Seriously, what should I do? I wanted to write something interesting today for the UnSignpost, but I have to deal with this cat situation! His name is Max by the way. Somebody help me! My cat is horny! HORNY!
I love Mila Kunis. I'm sorry, but I really do. She is my girlfriend. I'm not kidding. Why would I lie to you? I LAUGH. This is serious, just like the whole website. Serious matter.
Yes! I finally watched it a few weeks ago and totally forgot to answer this question. I highly recommend this movie to all fans of my column. Two words: space nazis.
21:24, April 9, 2013 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a salmon (Possibly discriminating against Wiccans.)
21:13, April 9, 2013 Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Using "W***a" in a block reason. Irony.)
10:31, April 9, 2013 Hotadmin4u69 (Talk | contribs) blocked TanyaArne (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Abusing multiple accounts: Fuck you too.)
10:30, April 9, 2013 Hotadmin4u69 (Talk | contribs) blocked BrookeTra (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Tired of these bot created accounts with names. What happens when the real Brooke Tra tries to join Uncyclopedia? Nothing, because you stole her username you faggot)
22:35, April 8, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Wanda The Monkey (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Have a nice day)
02:10, April 5, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) resurrected Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) (Banning me for nearly 2 years over a link on a subpage that I haven't edited in over a year seems a bit much)
01:52, April 5, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 667 days (mentioning Wikia in a block reason)
22:28, April 4, 2013 Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) blocked Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 666 days (A HARD-LINK TO WIKIA???? ZOMBIEBARON?!?!? ZOMBIEBARON!!!!)
13:12, April 3, 2013 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 151.230.138.106 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (:()
IRC Log Of The Week
<Dex> Shut up, Kip.
<derpyy> Shut the things got up, because we watch Dexter PORN
<Dex> And leave that poor IP alone.
<Kip2> That's my ghost, you idjit.
<Tigerman_> Idjit?
<Kip2> Yeah. That's a slang word, right?
Biopic: In Their Own Words
This week, for the Biopic we went to the extremes of MAGIC BUS RIDES! Ladies and gentlemen! The magical MagicBus! YEAH! This is what he had to say for us at the UnSignpost! And yes, the ride was magical! I came. But you don't want to know that. That's icky stuff. Here's what MagicBus had to say:
Hello, I'm MagicBus. I have a mom and a dad. I also have one cool sister and three very annoying brothers. I am Christian and I believe in God. My favorite colors are blue, green and black. I am currently attend high school and I'm in 11th grade.
I will try my best to kick the 5-time champion and the 4-time champion out of NASCAR. My favorite football team is the Buffalo Bills and I extremely hate the Cheaters. I also like many rock bands from the 60's, 70's and 80's and wish Justin Bieber to hit puberty and to stop kissing his girlfriend. I also love to play the drums and I play them like Keith Moon of The Who. My favorite NASCAR driver is David Ragan.
And this was his closing statement, which came extremely magically:
I'm MagicBus and I approve this message!
There you have it everybody! The magical, the transportation daredevil, the hip MagicBus! Yes, cheer. Cheer. Harder, louder, faster stronger. Now twist. One more time. Okay stop! Hammertime.
Minecraft is a sandbox-building independent video game written entirely in Java, created by Swedish professor Markus "I-can't-make-circles-or-other-shapes" Persson.
Persson began on the project after he decided that he had a deep yearning to create a game that was more boring than real life. Instead of, you know, making something that would actually benefit the world. At the time, he probably thought the project as small, insignificant. Little did he know that his creation would soon amass a mighty army of sheepish gamers that would never have a relationship or even know a life outside of Minecraft.
The game is mainly comprised of extremely pixelated blocks, gardening tools, inconsistent gravity and 12 year olds who will spend every waking moment at this little game. (Full article...)
If we were to crash several small meteors into Mars as to build up its mass slightly and we then syphoned some of the greenhouse gases from Venus' atmosphere and enveloped Mars in it, would Mars become habitable? What about Venus? Would it cool down enough following the removal of the greenhouse gases? (asked by Dexter111344)
Yes.
I made a movie called "iRape". How do I promote it in theatres? (asked by Hotadmin4u69)
How many walruses could you (as in, YOU, Zombiebaron) put in a bathtub with doughnuts on their tusks? (asked by Strainj1)
You haven't defined all the variables. How long do I have to complete this? Over the course of several decades I could probably slowly kill and transport hundreds of walruses.
Is it the heat, or is it the humidity? (asked by RAHB)
07:46, April 15, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 124.244.172.142 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (a sad little man that needs some time alone with his right hand)
02:49, April 11, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Wakkoswish123 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month (I am remarkably certain that I gave you the civility speech. Correct me if I'm wrong.)
02:37, April 11, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) resurrected Mr-ex777 (Talk | contribs) (Sang the My Little Pony theme song. Clearly shown a change of heart. His heart is all furry now. Which makes it less useful in cardiovascular processes, but strangely cute.)
02:28, April 11, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Mr-ex777 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day (What he's doing is seriously so not blanking. You're an idiot.)
IRC Log Of The Week
<gaybo_the_clown> the anime came first
<gaybo_the_clown> like everything in japan
<gaybo_the_clown> it's based on anime
<SirPeasewhizz> \wp Date Masamune
<gaybo_the_clown> I'm not even sure japan exists
<gaybo_the_clown> I think it's just from cartoons and fucked up porn
<gaybo_the_clown> like king arhur
Welcome on board everyone, or as our German friends would say, "Hello!" I'm Stephen Baldwin. You may recognise me from the front of that pamphlet you're holding. This is Stephen Baldwin's Excellent Tour of Hollywood, On a Bus, driven by Me, Stephen Baldwin. I bet you didn't know I was a bus driver! Well, things aren't so flash in the movie business lately. Hold my whiskey... thanks. God, I'm Irish!
Let's all buckle in and get started. Actually, I couldn't afford seatbelts. Whenever I'm not talking -- not often, I assure you! -- feel free to ask me questions about me! I'll respond by talking about myself. Now I know you folks are probably wanting to see the sights -- and you will! But mostly, I'm just going to talk about myself and drive past them all at 60 miles an hour. (Full article...)
Whilst I sit, watching a Yankees Classics rerun-David Cone's Perfect Game, I become bored. Yes, bored. Sorry to break out the truth stick. So let us talk, paper to reader. Why do you give such gay faces when I say that? Is it that you don't like me? You don't like me?! THE UNSIGNPOST PAPER?! Well then you can just rip me the FUCK UP! Just kidding... I enjoy living.
It seems that Votes for Highlight has received a blow. Er, a boost. You fucking pervert. Gawd! Anyways, good job ladies on taking VFH (around 6 votes per article) and pushing it somewhere else! (10.03 votes per article as of Friday, April 19th)
01:16, April 19, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Cindy889915 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 years, 6 hours, 32 minutes and 24 seconds (Please come back in 3 years and try again)
23:45, April 18, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Papapage (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (SPEAK ENGLISH)
19:10, April 17, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 96.49.73.175 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months (u do gay thing, u banned now.)
IRC Log Of The Week
<RAHB> Sure, as soon as I finish watching How To Irritate People
<SirPeasewhizz> lol
<RAHB> Clever flick, incidentally :)
<RAHB> Got most of the Monty Python cast pre-Flying Circus
<SirPeasewhizz> hahaha
Biopic: In Their Own Words
For this week's Biopic, we turned our attention to Denza252, because he is the master of Biopic'n! Here's what this dude had to say! Behold:
I am denza252, I am an aspie adhd suffering bipolar schizophrenic, soon I will be an uncyclopedia administrator and I have big plans for this wiki, I am a southern baptist christian and my favorite Star Wars character is Quinlan Vos, I am gonna murder SPIKE for impersonating me
And this was Denza252's closing statement:
is that enough?
Yes. That is enough. Superb, in fact! Everybody, give it up for Denza252! Woo, woo!
The members of the board hushed as President Roosevelt strained to rise and speak. Finally, leaning unsteadily against the mahogany table, the president spoke:(Full article...)
I was pleased to see you come back to your Whoreoscopes. And I just had a major urge to eat all those unread signpost posts. Leverage (talk) 20:23, 26 May 2013 (UTC)
No, it's not. It's 12 jokes, and it's every week. It was the only time I actually felt like a proper journalist, writing to a deadline! I occasionally used The Daily Mash or The Onion for inspiration, as well as a
real horoscope from (I think) the Telegraph, for some authentic astrological information, and in the end I cheated and just updated the two signs in 'this week's horoscopes' when I had two funny ideas. Anyway, I just like seeing familiar names around. If it all gets too much, just hang around at UnNews! Leverage (talk) 06:34, 27 May 2013 (UTC)
As I have not mentioned to anyone recently because I have been unable to connect to the Internet... welcome back! ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Wed, May 29 '13 1:09 (UTC)
I remember you! Hi! And welcome back also. --Dame 17:08, 3 June 2013 (UTC)
Yes, we've returned. Yes, we're still incredibly good looking.
Here we are, we are not dead. Ignore the fact that the staff is entirely changed from last time. We did not murder them. And we definitely didn't murder Sir Peasewhizz. Because that would be just terrible. What we did do, however, is listed below:
Recently Uncyclopedia's esteemed writing competition, the Poo Lit Surprise took place, and the outpouring of entries would have been overwhelming if it had happened. The meager number of entries we did receive seems to have done the trick though, as it has kept the judges confounded and overwhelmed for several weeks past the judging deadline now. We suspect that they are toiling away, scrutinizing every fine detail of the pieces entered, to ensure that the Uncyclopedian people are guaranteed results of the utmost quality. And we certainly did not murder Legoktm. That would be just terrible.
The monthly awards pages have been vigorously steam-cleaned and you can hardly notice the stains anymore. Archival and blurb'ing is under new management. So vote now for your favorite writers, noobs, Uncyclopedians, potatochoppers, morons and everything else! It's also time to vote on the Top 3 of May, and don't forget about VFH, VFP and VFD. And, perhaps most importantly of all, VOTE FOR SANDWICHES! The future of Uncyclopedia depends on it.
Aninsidiousstreamofbuttsexfarticles relating inexplicably to Doctor Who and Mr-ex777 has recently taken over Uncyclopedia's mainspace. There is no reason to be alarmed, this is just another of the strange series of ways in which the BBC is celebrating the 50th anniverary of the popular long-running science fiction series. They've also recently dressed mating animals in Doctor garb at the San Diego Zoo, anonymously left replicas of the Eleventh Doctor's sonic screwdriver inside various cakes and chocolate bars, and spray-painted Matt Smith's penis onto several trains and bus stops, in hopes of building up hype for this Novemeber's big event.
This week we were treated to the triumphant return of one of our most beloved image manipulators and an all-around great gal, Sonje! She's already taken to clearing out the backup at Image Request, helping out with the projects of a few delirious madmen and laughed heartily at the antics of a certain unnamed IRC Markov bot. Go welcome her aggressively on her talk page so that she doesn't leave to work on her Master's degree again!
And there you have it. That is literally everything that happened on Uncyclopedia since the last UnSignpost. It may have seemed like not much information, but really we just used a sort of wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey device to cram a hell of a lot of data into a very short space of time. This is part of the UnSignpost's new technological advances that will make us a constant competitor in the world of wiki-news in the future. Please, tell your friends. Please. Seriously, please.
Also, Wikia still sucks (just in general). But please don't murder them. That would be just terrible.
Ask Zombiebaron
When does the next UnSignpost come out? (asked by Moose)
Right now!
Does UnSignpost even happen anymore? (asked by IFYMB!)
In this special edition of Ask Zombiebaron, yes. However your third question ("Or three?") cannot be answered in this issue. You will have to wait until next time to learn the answer!
00:06, May 31, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 123.202.12.124 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months (I'm still intrigued about this "blood of the number one scorer" that you keep mentioning. Is it an album or something?)
22:02, May 30, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 61.180.49.18 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (That edit summary was so METAL)
12:36, May 22, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 209.221.90.250 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months (Thanks for coming back after your last ban! See you in 6 months!)
10:02, May 15, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Arcom0911 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 days (If you're gonna bully kids at your school at least have the balls to do it somewhere they might actually see)
17:00, May 8, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 208.54.35.187 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (Oi! You! Stop titting around!)
IRC Log of the Week
[23:46] <ifymb> Sounds very scientific
[23:47] <RAHB> Oh, it is
[23:47] <RAHB> Trust me, it totally is
[23:47] <RAHB> We have test tubes and everything
[23:47] <ifymb> Lab coats?
[23:47] <ifymb> You gotta have lab coats
[23:48] <RAHB> Yeah we've got lab coats
[23:48] <RAHB> Well
[23:48] <RAHB> We've got one lab coat and we just sort of share it
[23:50] <ifymb> what, you all have a patch
[23:50] <ifymb> all you all fit in one?
[23:57] <RAHB> Well, sometimes, if we've had too much to drink
[23:57] <RAHB> But usually we just rotate it around
[23:57] <RAHB> Whoever's using the test tubes gets to wear the coat
Biopic: In Their Own Words
This week Sonje returned to our ranks after nearly two years of inactivity. We were intending to do a Biopic: In Their Own Words on her for this issue of the UnSignpost, but we got lazy, and then we got drunk, and then we started trying on other people's clothes, and then things got really hazy, and now we don't have a biopic for this week. We promise to do it next week though. We totally promise.
The thirteenth edition of the PLS was held a while ago (in May). If you would like to know the result, we (me) decided to make life easier for you and give you the result of the contest, so you don't have to go all the way to the PLS page (one click).
Just to remind you, all in all there were 4 categories and, therefore, there were supposed to be 4 people who got the first place and other 4 who got the second. However, this was not exactly what happened, as there are 6 writers who came from nowhere and won the second place, therefore diminishing the amount of prize money that others got.
There has recently (a certain amount of time before the latest UnSignpost issue) been a lot of talk about creating an Uncyclopedia App as well as an Uncyclospecies. The idea consists in producing and selling the app which will transform all the human beings who use them into Uncyclopedians. The majority of the users (about 50% of those two who really participated) found this idea great (think that it is funny to talk about) and maybe even began working on it (asked someone else to think about it). Nothing else is known about them, as they disappeared soon after the first experiments were held.
The main problem this project has is that, in fact, nobody knows how to create an app. In addition to this, there is no money, as most of it was spent on Ferraris, that were supposed to bring more money but didn't. Finally, some people think that it might be harmful for the environment (nobody cares).
The project is currently being discussed (some users still post random spam on the forum) and with a certain probability the app is going to be created in nearby future (it is never going be to created but some people do think about it). Anton (talk) 12:51, 6 July 2013 (UTC)
Ask Zombiebaron!
Who is your real identity? Before being a zombie? (asked by Y)
Before being a zombie I was just a regular person that nobody had ever heard of named Burt Reynolds.
Dear Zombiebaron, is it true that you own Mike Nesmith's original wool hat? (asked by RAHB)
No, that is not true.
Is uncyclopedia supposed to be stupid? (asked by Lyrithya)
No, it's supposed to be funny.
Will you make me an admin again, Bureaucrat Zombiebaron? (asked by Ljlego)
Millions of uninformed idiots in the Western world have been left "completely unable" to decide who to support during the current Egyptian crisis, an UnNews report can exclusively reveal.
When asked his opinion, Todd Layman, 22, an English major, said "Alright! Arabic Spring Part Deux! Democracy now!" However, when we explained that the Muslim Brotherhood was the party elected by the democratic elections which the Arabic Spring provoked, Layman asked us not to print his reaction.
Servers Paid For Until 2014; World Peace Inevitable
Approximately how much money Uncyclopedia has now. Oh well, one zero is still more than no zeroes.
In a genius financial maneuver called "eat only Ramen for nine months", Uncyclopedia administrator Isarra has paid for Uncyclopedia's servers until September with what little student loan money she had left.
The remaining three months of 2013 were paid for with money raised from donations, merchandise sales, and advertising on the Uncyclomedia Shop. It cost $277.80 of the site's whopping $307.51, leaving the rest of the admins with barely enough money for their Ferrari gas tanks and an Uncyclopedia Android app.
However, this makes it obvious that the site is not yet financially self-sustaining and that other methods of generating revenue and/or more exposure to Uncyclopedia are needed if the site will do better in 2014. Ideas proposed on IRC include advertising, finding a generous sugar daddy, playing the lottery, and selling synthetic marijuana. Also worth considering is that even though raising awareness of the site through word of mouth and Operation Infamous is embarrassing and socially isolating, it will attract more people who will (hopefully) put money in our cup. And clicking on the ads in our e-store helps a bit too.
Count to a million fiasco On July 29th, 2013; the infamous Count to a million thread which is popular for it's time wasting appeal was locked by Frosty in what could be said as "an action of gay gay gay proportions." Several Just three users took to the streets to protest this decision, angry that their only source of time wasting has been taken by one gay snowman; of course, they didn't protest or anything so nothing notable happened.
When we asked Frosty about this, he responded "This is to make sure people edit in the mainspace like they're supposed to, for so long very few edits have taken place in mainspace and it seems like the most popular thing here is that blasted thread. I feel like I've made the perfect choice." However, TheHappySpaceman and co-partner in crime Kırby think otherwise; claiming that "This is just so Frosty can get the "gayest person in the world" award; we've made attempts to make the thread viable by contributing comics and other stuff and to mock all of our attempts, that's gay indeed. Even gayer than Mr. Winkler's F."
Everybody else is oddly not disturbed by this recent conundrum; knowing full well that the thread will be open in a week. "It's nice that we have a motivation to edit mainspace, I was getting tired posting numbers in an attempt to reach a million. Hey, maybe I'll make a featured article in a week." said a random Uncyclopedian. Okay, so it's not much of a fiasco as we portrayed it to be but two people are pissed off and that at least has to make it a mini-fiasco right? As of writing, TheHappySpaceman and Matthlock are currently planning to write a mainspace article, presumably with lots of gay jokes.
UnDroid For eons, an Uncyclopedia Android app was only a pipe dream. Maybe like two weeks ago. Thankfully, it's now a reality. The app, developed by some guy you've never heard of named Jude Pereira, can be found here. It's free in exchange for money and referring your friends to download the app. The app also has many exciting features such as AutoTypo 1.0, which shrinks the keypad and allows you
to create typos faster than ever before, and Zoom 0.8, an innovative feature allowing you to make large things small and small things large. It's truly revolutionary technology, and it's completely free. So download it, use it, and be somebody.
Biopic
In this Biopic we examine the trials and tribulations of Fakehater who, with a few uploads under his belt (however that works), is taking audio requests in the Village Dump. He says he enjoys proofreading, doing audio, and based on his userpage, The Goonies. He is also into older women but, like most UnNews reporters, he has little to offer any dignified, diabetic septuagenarian. Embarrassingly, his IRC nickname is "arsenic_x", which we're pretty sure is what created the Powerpuff Girls.
From The Logs • 20:53, July 19, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Lemonpie (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Infinite (just fuck off pls) • 17:13, July 19, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of -3600 seconds (how many dicks could a dick sucker suck if a dick sucker could suck dick?) • 11:41, July 1, 2013 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 31 millennia, 6 centuries, 8 decades, 8 years, 269 days, 17 hours, 37 minutes and 3 seconds (Better number of nines)
UnSignpost News You are probably noticing that the UnSignpost looks a little bit different. That's because it is. If you don't like it then that's just, like, your opinion and stuff man.
IRC Quote [13:35] <DogTheColourful> I WILL FUCK YOUR HOUSE AND BURN YOUR MOTHER DOWN
So it seems nothing much goes on these days that's really newsworthy. Sure things happen, new users stop by, edit a while then leave, people write things, but...nothing really notable, you know. But we won't write an entire article about how nothing's happening and how depressing that is because, well, it's depressing, you know? So we're going to tell you about one thing the author - in her extreme vanity - thinks is worthy of reporting and make it seem like that's important and trick you into caring, when you'd really much rather be playing video games or (gasp) writing an article.
This forum resulted in our acquiring a new admin, Llwy-ar-lawr, who is still all over the place just like she was before but now shows up in different places and is making this slow website go a little faster to hide how slow it is (we hope). There are rumours that she sleeps sometimes, but they have yet to be verified. She also happens to be writing this text right now, which is a terrible conflict of interest so we can't say any more on the matter; this means we will distract you with more pointless drivel about nothing. Now back to our regularly scheduled commercials, which we've forgotten to serve you. We bet you were really missing them because they're so yummy and informative. And yellow. That comes from the pee, which is high in nice nutrients like phosgene phosphorus...we think. Probably. We're telling it to you as a fact, though, because we're never wrong.
We, the Conservative users of Uncyclopedia, have decided that we don't have enough featured in-jokes, clowns, Really Big Trees, user and disambiguation pages, as if we haven’t pulled enough boners (and templates), we are putting all our past glories on our main page, once again, one by one, ten days a week.
Dear readers, only a few days late, the UnSignpost declares the Retro Week open! Applauds!
Originally Shabidoo's very controversial idea, the Retro Week has grown to become the time when all the Uncyclopedia administrators take an official rest from their site work, unless they are also the UnSignpost editors. You don't believe us? Check the recent changes!
So the 2014 Retro Week opened with a really big tree. A very big one. But it is pretty much everything original about it. It pursued with Slender Lorises, that are able to live in wet and dry forests, next - with Template:Boner, which we are not going to use in this UnSignpost, no matter how many times you ask us. Then came the turn of Hardwick Fundelbuggy's Userpage, featured not because it was funny, but because its author had written a lot of funny stuff (following this logic we can feature sandboxes and user contributions). Finally, we saw the Fire Hydrant spreading its waters around Uncyclopedia and slowing down - if not destroying - the servers.
Amongst other pros of the Retro Week are the facts that it gives users a good excuse for not voting on VFH for a while, because nobody does this anyway and that it is keeping our main page busy, while we are making an UnSignpost for you.
Thank Sophia, it happens only once a year!
Biopic
We haven't managed to get hold of anyone long enough to get sufficient information out of them for a biopic. They always managed to ooze away just in time. Must be that slime that's got into the works.
From The Logs
23:35, 1 May 2014 Llwy-ar-lawr (talk | contribs) blocked SPIKE (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 seconds (account creation disabled) (does this do what I think it does?)
08:07, 17 April 2014 Frosty (talk | contribs) blocked MediaWiki default (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled) (you can't do that... YOU JUST CAN'T!!)
15:09, 10 April 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked 166.216.165.0/24 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 year (anonymous users only, account creation disabled, cannot edit own talk page) (Hey! Hey, guess what? I have a BONER for you to gnaa on! Ha ha ha ha ha pwnt.)
Uncyclopedia is like a moldy pile of kelp right now. Not a lot of fun is happening right now. Or is it? Well probably not, but the UnSignpost is back! You know that newspaper that occasionally makes appearances on your talkpage that you also totally read. More than ever this newspaper will be uninformative, filled with articles that seem to endlessly ramble on about nothing in particular just to serve as filler and most importantly it will be thenewspaper written by barely literate drunks.
Of course, you must ask, will this project actually be happening on any regular basis? You bet! Certain people who are extremely vain, as proven by the writing himself into the article will try and deliver you an UnSignpost every single Friday! That is of course, unless he gets devoured by a moldy pile of kelp. Then it might not happen. Other writers may also take part in this wonderful franchise, but let's face it, it's more likely that you read this entire article through to the end, than people actually write for this place anymore.
Once again we find ourselves in that horrible, horrible mode of electing new administrators for Uncyclopedia. A process that never fails to see at least three users permanently quit the site because of "hurt feelings". But apparently, this time will be different. Although we say that every time, we truly mean it this time. Every drama stirrer will win an all expenses paid trip to RAHB's secret rape dungeon where they will have their anus mercilessly pounded with a stick coated in pieces of broken glass, and to top it off, the glass pieces will have been soaked in the HIV virus before hand.
Users are all encouraged to vote, because unlike with the presidential election, your vote counts! Further more, not every single candidate is a loser, most of them are, but not all of them. Voting commences on August 1, so get ready for some old fashion in your face comedy tragedy!
Biopic
For the first time in 2014, we actually have a biopic! This week's biopic is Banzaikitten, who, is one of the very few new comers of 2014 to not bugger off within 7 days of signing up. We would like to thank SPIKE for his contribution in bringing Banzaikitten closer to us through his "take no prisoners" banning style on Wikia. If it wasn't for this, Banzaikitten would never have quit Wikia and joined us at the chosen Uncyclopedia. Please take a moment to thank Banzaikitten for being one of the very, very, VERY few users to join in recent times.
From The Logs
14:56, 23 July 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) changed block settings for 184.7.86.140 (talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (I've decided to use lube. You should feel so lucky.)
00:55, 19 July 2014 Frosty (talk | contribs) blocked 184.7.81.56 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 year (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (Chronic sock wanking and being a really shit vandal.)
14:41, 1 July 2014 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 23.105.212.133 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (I’m coming at you like a dark horse)
Just as lame and boring as a horse race, except without the gambling.
Predictably (and because let's face it, nothing else is happening on the site), the admin election takes the lead story. For those of you living under a rock and those that are just plain slow, Kip the Dip is leading the race by far (+19) and should win be a few lengths, this is definitely because of how hard his jockey is riding him. Cat the Colourful is trailing at second with +13, followed by Leverage at +8 and Banzaikitten at +6. Other notable mentions include Aleister, Mr-ex777, Lost LabyrinthMattsnow and DungeonSiegeAddict510 who have all succeeded in avoiding the highly embarrassing score of getting +1 or less. Feel free to message the losers with negative scores and point and laugh a lot hahaha.
It shuld be no surprise that the page has been mercilessly trolled with other complete joke nominations including The Chief of AIDS and The Zombie of AIDS.
If you haven't been to the forum yet to cast your vote, do it today! Uncyclopedia admin elections: Twice the drama, half the fat!
This story is nothing short of a PSA, circle-jerking with traces of vote whoring in as well. If you are reading this, you should vote on VFH. VFH voting takes very effort and makes it, at the very least appear, that we have active users. So get down there some time today and vote on all the articles. Some might say you need to actually read them first, well this is (probably) a good idea, but do bear in mind that we don't actually know if you've read it or not. And unlike, when you didn't read Hamlet in your 9th grade English class there is not going to be a surprise test on the matter.[citation needed]
You should also go vote on Frosty's article(s) currently on VFH, it's the least you could do after he SINGLE HANDEDLY wrote this terrible newspaper for you. If you don't, the length of his e-penis will decrease considerably all because he didn't get another feature on a website with a userbase smaller than an Eastern Siberian village.
Biopic
This week's biopic is the user named TheRealSexyFluttershy, which just goes to show how desperate we are for biopics that we are willing to write about literally anyone who shows a vague interest or presence in the site. TheRealSexyFluttershy can be found on The Internet Relay Chats discussing things that have relevance to ponies and poopdick on a disturbingly regular basis. However, he does occasionally make the odd presence on the Wiki and even more occasionally he makes useful edits to some page or another.
If you appreciate him go to his talk page and thank him for his noble contributions in the field of poopdick, if you don't appreciate him please feel free to spam his page with poopdick (although he may start furiously masturbating).
From The Logs
16:25, 25 July 2014 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled, autoblock disabled) (You look like you're doing something important right now. Are you? What is it? Why are you doing it? Did I break it? Would that be bad?)
11:46, 26 July 2014 Frosty (talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled) (Asking for it, begging for it actually.)
09:24, 29 July 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked 173.44.44.121 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (Now sit in your corner and think about what you've done)
Not that much over a year ago, TKF left us with the classic "I'm quitting forever in a highly obnoxious and auto-fellating manor". For about 66 seconds Uncyclopedians everywhere were sad, we all fapped in sadness at the loss of our beloved TKF and things were never going to be quite the same again. Then we all thought to ourselves "good riddance, I hope he contracts Anthrax and dies."
No surprise, but he has come back under the highly illusive nickname "Argylesocks" which is obviously not somebodies sockpuppet because it contains the word socks in it. I mean, if you were a sockpuppet would you give it away so easily? Flawless logic! He can also be found on IRC chatting casually under the "dcik", showing his support for "The Dyslexia Support Foundation".
Head over to his user page and talk page to find out details about his awesome "Uncyclopedia Retrospect project" which is probably some grand social experiment documenting the life and times of hopeless losers on the internet, but hey it SOUNDED COOL.
Uncyclopedia has recently had an infestation. An infestation of drama. Drama is bad mmkay? Aside from the obvious fact users get banned, users quit and people proceed to hate each other to the point where you would rub hot English Mustard into their prolapsed anus if you ever saw them in the street, drama distracts you from writing. As does reading the UnSignpost. But reading the UnSignpost is more constructive as the constant not so subliminal messaging telling you to write articles is plastered everywhere. WRITE ARTICLES.
But drama can be entertaining when coupled with cheap scotch and buttered popcorn to the humble obverser. But mainly it's bad, so stop it. No matter how funny you think your drama mongering will never compete with Asperger's Syndrome is no laughing matter... ...and the sequelrest of the trilogy.
Biopic
This week's biopic is Chaoarren, which if you haven't meet him yet... You suck basically. He can be found on IRC, occasionally editing the Wiki and frequently reporting established users to Ban patrol because "they made fun of him in his pink skirt" or "he smells funny". Chaoarren has also done the highly laughable feat of running dead last in the most vote rigged admin election in history, where losers like Kip the Dip and Colin actually stand a chance of winning losing.
He's also a noob that hasn't buggered off yet. I wish more of them were like you Chaoarren... I really do...
From The Logs
11:50, 6 August 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked 107.182.115.32 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (You are the weakest Chink. Goodbye.)
06:40, 6 August 2014 Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) blocked XReaper (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled) (Horse dick)
06:14, 5 August 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked 107.182.116.97 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (Enjoy this beefy cock.)
It was dark times being without Uncyclopedia. Maybe if I got out of the dark and went outside once in while it would be less dark. But you know, lazy me.
I plan to visit Uncyclopedia and do my 'thang (wink wink) at least once a week. But I hold no promises because you can't trust me. I'm a hoe and 3!OH!3 told you to NOT TRUST HOES.
However, I'm sure you guys found out why I was absent from the site for a good 200 years 4+ months and it was because my old laptop KOed and I finally got a new one for school.
So that means I won't be uploading images of Madiq. (pictured)...
Madiq.
I missed you, just kidding, but really.
However, I didn't forget you, maybe sometimes,
Is this a haiku or something? My grammar sucks too.
They expect sacrifices. So chop, chop. Make haste.
Biopic
This weeks biopic is on someone who doesn't read Uncyclopedia (but they will because we will make them through laughter har har). Her name is Elizabeth and she's from Australia. She showed Sir Peasewhizz her tits...
04:26, August 13, 2014 Frosty (talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (threatening to ban me)
15:04, August 12, 2014 Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) resurrected Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) (Achievement Unlocked: Unban yourself one minute before your ban expires)
Welcome to another no longer sporadic edition of Unsignpost. Yes, the quantity of USP's being written has gone through the roof in the last few weeks and as such there is absolutely nothing to report- hence why people who have previously never written one of these are being roped in. One thing of note that has changed is I am now an admin and as such can block RAHB with impunity. God I love to block RAHB. There is nothing quite like the fizzy rush in the root of your penis and the dizzy thrill you get in your anus when blocking RAHB. I urge all who can to try it.
Banzaikitten warns you that this UnSignpost may change your sexual orientation.
But anyway, I'm an admin now and I'm going to try and be the best admin that I can be, and judging from my recent attempt at changing the featured article, and all the admins reactions to my fuck up, the best admin I can be is one who does absolutely no administration work and just writes the occasional UnNews. Thanks for all your votes.
I know I've already spoken about RAHB but god help me I just can't stop. We all like voting and there is a very important vote occuring right now. You, yes you, could decide what sexuality RAHB is. Come the end of the vote RAHB sexuality will be decided for him and he will have to perform sexual acts of that nature for the rest of time. I'm hoping Ponies wins.
As the curate and the moral compass of this sinful land I must say that I have been appalled at the terrible news that my milkman brought to me. Although I don't remember his exact words, I'll try to reconstruct his speech from my memory, which - and for this I thank God - I am still honored to possess, despite my respectable age.
“
Now, I heard Mr What's-his-name talk to his son about something he heard in the neighbor's house, which I didn't hear, but Mr. What's-his-name-again described it so well that I am positive I can repeat it almost word-by-word. So his neighbor was giving his dog its food and commenced discussing our village's events with it, Mrs. Elizabeth soon became the topic of the conversation, and she, as you know, has a daughter... And a cat. Oh, what a fine Siamese cat! But it is of no relation to our current subject. So e man and his pet chattered on and on and, apparently, that dog ... oh, I mean the man (but, you know, from a distance you really can't tell the difference) uttered that "Mrs. Elizabeth's daughter once read an educational page on the Internet, which talked about homosexuality and how you cure it." And can you guess who the author its author was? Mr. Frosty, the man who lives next door to you!
”
These were the words of the milkman. However, this isn't all. I was not terrified when I heard this, because teaching fellow villagers to cure an abominable disease, which homosexuality certainly is, is a commendable act from Mr. Frosty's part, especially if it was done with no impulse other than to save good Christians.
Alas, I, we have been greatly deceived in our trust! Beware of the appearances, especially when they are found on the unholy Internet!
Ah, wicked men! I, your curate, willing to help your ungrateful souls, decided to try the so-praised advice of Mr. Frosty on myself and proceeded to accomplish it yesterday. I did everything he said to the very last phrase and - I swear by the Holy Grail - it didn't work!
Biopic
bakpak2hvy is a guy who frequently lurks on our IRC without saying anything. The other day he said something.
From The Logs
15:59, August 16, 2014 Cat the Colourful (talk | contribs) blocked Chaoarren (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ([22:58] <Chaoarren> Can I get joke banned? :D)
15:00, August 15, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked DungeonSiegeAddict510 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second (As you aided my quest to take over Uncyclopedia, have a block. I was meant to give this to you earlier but you were already banned for 40 minutes. Have a 1 second extension!)
05:57, August 15, 2014 Banzaikitten (talk | contribs) blocked Cat the Colourful (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 10 seconds (Fuck Finland)
Did you know that every ten seconds: another ten seconds kicks in? Yeah, mind equals blown right now, eh? Did you know that the return of one legendary user triggers other legendary users to return as well? When Argylesocks returned from his previous state (not Blue Mountain), it only was a matter of time until the legend named MadMax returned from his couple-of-months-long sojourn in the wild country known as Ethiopia. MadMax does not steal the few supplies of food Ethiopia has, you sick fuck! HE HAS A SOUL.
For those who have heard of the legendary Xamralco, he has returned to. He is an admin and a fantastic writer. We love him. You love. YOU LOVE HIM.
Okay? Okay.
Now if anyone sees Dawg, slap him and tell him to come back. And for Olipro... gosh. I can't even.
Here is a random picture of a stack of gold. Craving it? Good.
We were once surpassing the votes per article goal of 10 not much longer than a week ago. SHAME! HOW COULD WE HAVE LET THIS DROP TO NEARLY 5 OUT OF 10?! EVERYBODY, HEADS DOWN!
When I say you can put your heads up, you will all go and vote on the feature nominations. Okay? And no laughing or detention!
Biopic
For this edition of your favorite paper, the USP, we had the chance to get the Biopic for one of the biggest badasses to ever live. That person/thingy/chatter was auror, whom we found frolicking in our IRC channel one evening.
When we asked auror if she would like to be Biopic'ed (did I spell that right? SPELL CHECK PLS) she gave a powerful speech.
“
no
”
Thank you! Give it up for auror!
From The Logs
00:54, September 1, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked IlanaZkhfzm (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (user did not suck Leverage's cock as promised)
16:02, August 31, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked AleidaJbjo (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (sister did not suck my cock as promised)
12:24, August 29, 2014 Kip the Dip (talk | contribs) blocked Electric Pope (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 7 centuries, 4 decades, 8 years, 364 days, 14 hours, 38 minutes and 24 seconds (Annoying douchebag.)
Hi, My name is Sir Peasewhizz. Stop hurling babies at me! STAHP! READER PLS. STAHP.
It is days like these when I realize what a cruel world we live in. It seems that Pee Review has bitten the dust. For just a few minutes of your day and some cash you can help solve this crisis. Seriously, you hoes.
Here is a random picture of a stack of gold. Craving it? Good.
We were once surpassing the votes per article goal of 10 not much longer than a week ago. SHAME! HOW COULD WE HAVE LET THIS DROP TO NEARLY 5 OUT OF 10?! EVERYBODY, HEADS DOWN!
When I say you can put your heads up, you will all go and vote on the feature nominations. Okay? And no laughing or detention!
Yes, I copied this from the last issue of the USP, you boner goblins. That picture of gold? That was also from the last issue, as well.
There has recently (a certain amount of time before the latest UnSignpost issue) been a lot of talk about creating an Uncyclopedia App as well as an Uncyclospecies. The idea consists in producing and selling the app which will transform all the human beings who use them into Uncyclopedians. The majority of the users (about 50% of those two who really participated) found this idea great (think that it is funny to talk about) and maybe even began working on it (asked someone else to think about it). Nothing else is known about them, as they disappeared soon after the first experiments were held.
The main problem this project has is that, in fact, nobody knows how to create an app. In addition to this, there is no money, as most of it was spent on Ferraris, that were supposed to bring more money but didn't. Finally, some people think that it might be harmful for the environment (nobody cares).
The project is currently being discussed (some users still post random spam on the forum) and with a certain probability the app is going to be created in nearby future (it is never going be to created but some people do think about it).
Biopic
Alas, an actual Biopic for SEPTEMBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Today, the Biopic will be on a man who carries the identity, MrC. He was doing some hardcore crunches while he was surfing the IRC and thus we gained a little more info this is a run on sentence fuk yea murica.
His origin: "Some Uncyclopedians messed around in another channel recently. After hearing all the stories and rumors, I figured I'd like to see for myself."
22:20, September 10, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked LorrineLundy (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Orange is the new black. Welcome to Internet Jail, Lorrine.)
22:14, September 10, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked CharissSparrow (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Dude, your gay porn name is lame)
22:12, September 10, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked VictorForest (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Eat my crotch-forest, Victor.)
Previously, in the past, Uncyclopedia has done a project called Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization, which mimics is a battle against crap-quality articles. We recently have finished the colonization of Albert Einstein, because fuck we didn't need a good article on him before amiright?
Anyways I'm telling you this because it would be soooo sweet if we could get this running again... and I kinda need Xamralco or any other admin to combine histories again because I just found out I shouldn't have moved the project myself...
Vote for highlights, you giant boner goblins. (third issue in a row)
Here is a random picture of a stack of gold. Craving it? Good.
We were once surpassing the votes per article goal of 10 not much longer than a week ago. SHAME! HOW COULD WE HAVE LET THIS DROP TO NEARLY 5 OUT OF 10?! EVERYBODY, HEADS DOWN!
When I say you can put your heads up, you will all go and vote on the feature nominations. Okay? And no laughing or detention!
Wow a third week of using the same entry in a row? GEEZ.
Biopic
Nahhh. I don't really feel like it!
From The Logs
13:13, September 17, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked WolfganKix (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Wolfgan's arse is going to get Kix if he doesn't stop making accounts here.)
13:12, September 17, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked JanetteMelton (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (You brought your girlfriend with you? How sweet. She can fuck off too once she's tossed me off.)
13:11, September 17, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked AndreBecker (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (OMG A SPAMBOT! I've missed seeing you around man. Where you been these past few days? It's been so emotional. Okay, emotional reunion is over. Now fuck off.)
So apparently, October follows September. As we all know, Halloween follows September. This means that I get to make a suggestion, amirite?
So I was thinking long and hard one day (which was literally five minutes not twenty-four hours) about something cool we could do for Halloween this year. No, I don't mean egg your neighbor's house... I was thinking maybe we could feature something on Halloween?
Okay yes, I know this is something we basically do every year, and I know you are reading this preparing to accuse me of filling space... and you'd be right.
Biopic
Nahhh. I don't really feel like it!
From The Logs
12:34, September 25, 2014 Colin "All your base" Heaney (talk | contribs) blocked Banzaikitten (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 hour and 9 minutes (You're like the Grinch, except it's your cock that's three sizes too small.)
14:35, September 24, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked 173.213.80.213 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Your free trial of Uncyclopedia has expired.)
07:05, September 24, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked JessieTedesco (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (fuck Jessie Tedesco, he gets his clothes from Tecso)
As we all know, a Texan man has brought the Ebola virus to the United States of America. And as country, we are all freaking out. Even Obama, who never freaks out, has freaked out. He now refuses to kiss Michelle because he has become a germophobe.
Anywho, we here at Uncyclopedia have determined that Ebola can be avoided by simple measures. We encourage everyone to wash their hands, especially after ferocious masturbation. Remember kids, diseases come for hookers. So stay away from hookers as well.
Biopic
Nahhh. I don't really feel like it again!
From The Logs
12:34, September 25, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked 178.137.80.72 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (dickery)
15:07, September 28, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked 23.231.7.217 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (The Maitri Inthusut has ordered us to block editing permanently for all residents of the Phuket Province.)
13:39, September 28, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked Leanna Hollway (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (she wouldn't go the "holl way" with me)
02:04, October 12, 2014 Xamralco (talk | contribs) resurrected Xamralco (talk | contribs) (I have frostbite on my nipples.)
01:58, October 12, 2014 Frosty (talk | contribs) blocked Xamralco (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 years, 6 hours, 32 minutes and 24 seconds (Obligatory retaliation ban)
01:46, October 12, 2014 Xamralco (talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 seconds (Obligatory welcome back block)
Before time began there was the cube. Wait, hold on... yeah wrong script. Okay, let's start again. Before the internet was cool, there was no Uncyclopedia. This is because before Uncyclopedia was a website, there was this awful site for information that anybody could edit called Wikipedia. There was also catfishes and cocks.
That all changed back in 2005. When Uncyclopedia was established/founded/spawned/born/emerged/created, the internet took off. Not literally, but metaphorically... or something. The fact remains that the world, with the introduction of Unyclopedia, began to gain faith in the internet. The Amish began to use electricity after Uncyclopedia was established!
And our legacy could fade away; not unlike my basketball trick shot.
All jokes aside, Uncyclopedia may be content-free, as one could say, but it is not free to run. Uncyclopedia runs on a server and this requires money. We don't mean like the billions Obama requires, but it still needs a bit of money to be a legendary thing.
How does Wikipedia stay up then? Well, we're not Wikipedia. We're run by no employees and we're instead run by dedicated users who spend their time editing/fucking with the site that they love. Uncyclopedia is nearly ten years old, so it's not like the joy of "uncyclopediating" isn't real. It's in the Webster Dictionary.
Not every one is rich either, in fact, we're all kinda bland. Money doesn't grow on trees. Now we're not gonna hold you for ransom and we sure as hell aren't going to guilt you into donating to our cause... but think about the children that would starve without us!
Basically, read more about it here. Thanks for your time.
If you can't donate, don't. We won't force you to do something we can't ourselves.
You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it!
From The Logs
05:54, November 7, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked DickSankthptxd with an expiry time of infinite (talk | contribs) (his dick sank)
22:48, October 29, 2014 Xamralco (talk | contribs) blocked 50.115.173.177 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month (made me read some gay book)
15:45, October 29, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked Zficysll (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Why bother trying to spam Uncyclopedia? If you're as good with girls as you are at hitting abuse filters then I'm sure you'll have no problem getting laid.)
If you want, you can go to Uncyclopedia:Re-feature queue/Nominate and pick one featured article that you wrote to be re-featured. You can also pick three features written by someone else to re-feature. --SirXamRalcothe Mediocre 20:15, 17 November 2014 (UTC)
It's that time of the year again! We're going to be showing off our Top Ten Articles of 2014 soon but so far, very few people have voted. It's all up to you to decide what's the best of the best! Go to Forum:Top 10 Articles of 2014 and vote now! --SirXamRalcothe Mediocre 02:22, 30 January 2015 (UTC)
This page looked like it needed some love[edit source]
Luckily, I am here to give it some. Thanks for dropping by, Global: it's good to see you around. We now have a Discord server which has replaced our IRC - you should drop in, we'd love to talk to you. Welcome back :) →L A B O R A T O R I E S 20:41 16 March 2019
I lurve seeing old timers coming back. I pasted your horoscopes into a UnNews story, and shared it on Facebook. When I wrote horoscopes, I decided it was too easy to miss the Horoscopes section (which has long been a randomised version of my hilarious quips). So I started making them like an UnNews story in their own right, you just have to date it: https://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/Special:Search?search=horoscopes&ns102=1&fulltext=Search+UnNews%21Leverage (talk) 11:10, 10 October 2020 (UTC)
Yeah, welcome back to fucking Uncyc. Hope you're here to stay. ~Kakun·talk 14:36, 10 October 2020 (UTC)
So should I post this week's twelve incredible new hilarious quips in both places? Or do I leave it up to you, Leverage, to add it to UnNews proper? (and as for dating, I dated it, as I always used to, with Monday's date of the coming week - if that is unsaatisfactory, let me know and I'll comply. I'm a complier from way back. I come from a long line of compliers. My father was a complier, as was his father before him, and his father's father before him...) --GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shamelessnarcissisticAmerica-hatingliberalatheistaward-winningfeaturedwriter 20:25, 19 March 2019 (UTC)
I just did it. You should make it as an UnNews story in future, otherwise people won't really see it as far as I can tell. Leverage (talk) 07:30, 22 October 2020 (UTC)
Hey its HAPPY MONKEY TIME 2021 (Feb 21-28). Your favourite writing competition where we write articles on one another's suggested topics. Go ahead and sign up because the more users we have competiting the more ridonculously fun it is. If you don't wanna write you can sign up to judge! Sing up here. Remember it's not about writing a sure fire VFH article, but pushing the limits of your originality and creativity and spitting out an article on a topic you had never thought about writing before. Also...Shabidoo will love you forever and owe you like a zillion favours for it. He will literally do anything to please you if it means you participate. Happy Monkey Farts!!! ShabiDOO 15:52, 10 February 2021 (UTC)
UnSignpost Home Delivery for May 1st, 2021[edit source]
Following an incredible (by 2021 Uncyclopedian standards) 16 VFS votes, Uncyclopedia's most active administrator has initiated their transition to female. Said admin, now known publicly as Cassie, has had a talk page that often inflated by 80,000 bytes or more weekly, and singlehandedly managed a vast variety of things, including (but not limited to): vandal whipping, being the school principal, managing VFH, and more. "Vandalism, eh? Fuck off already," they said, whilst throwing bags of feces at our new dumpyard.
Vote for Sandwiches: Triple Resignation, Quintuple the Drama
Following the resignation of two of our longtimemost bureaucrats, EMC and Zombiebaron, in addition to the resignation of admin CandidToaster, a new wave rejuvenated much of the now-ancient television show Vote for Sandwiches. MrX and Hipponias quickly climbed the ranks; Shabidoo received the same treatment, but ultimately withdrew. Zana Dark and JJPMaster were both nominated for a new category, interface operator, instead of the traditional sandwich role granted.
Uncyclopedia's Technologies are Finally Modernized
it has been a long time in the making, but Uncyclopedia's editing technologies have finally been optimized for the new decade. An introduction of a new extended-confirmed protection level has enabled famous articles, such as AAAAAAAAA!, to see the light of commoners' editing again. Utilities such as Huggle, RedWarn, CurateThisPage, autoarchiving, and a lot more has been implemented thanks to JJPMaster. Many gnomes have been working on this; as such, please treat their work with respect!
Biopic
This edition's biopic is about the joy of templating. Templating is a fine art which can be practiced on Uncyclopedia, its parody Wikipedia, and so many other places. It can furthermore be expanded to "module coding", which produces the same stuff albeit in a much more efficient and dynamic way. Come try templating now!
From The Logs
1 May 2021 Cassie renamed user Redacted (8224 edits) to Cassie (Per message here)
10 April 2021 JJPMaster (38 bytes) (-13) . . (Reverting edit(s) by Gale5050 (talk) to rev. 6045969 by Celeste:shhhhhhhhhhh (RW 16.1dev))
22 February 2021 Cassie blocked JJPMaster with an expiration time of 4 hours and 20 minutes (account creation disabled) (You [[Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit
Following 1.5+ years of hiatus, Cassie has taken the lead, in a unilateral albeit undramatic manner, and has designated themselves as the lead editor of the UnSignpost.
It's that special time of year. A wonderful time for friends and family to rejoice in gaiety. Not you! You usually spend all of your hard-earned money on gifts for them, and now you just want to hibernate until your finances recuperate. Well, here at Uncyclopedia, entering our newest competition won't cost you a penn Sign Up Today!(pretty please) ~Formerly Annoying Crap 13:31, 13 December 2021
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