Notice: Contrary to what some persecutionists would have you believe, Anal Twitmas actually is a well-known and respected religious holiday all over the globe. We don't mean to be prejudiced, but seriously - Nipple Parade, Cuntfest, Perv Christmer and all of the others are just shallow imitations.
Anal Twitmas was created in the final years of the Age of Reason - by the end of the 1850's - by the Office for Enhancing Stifling Bureaucratic Thought Patterns, which was run and financed by the French government. The aim of the Office was to create new secular holidays that were made to look religious through the usage of similar elements: gifts, legends, traditional gatherings, mythical figures, and the like. Anal Twitmas proved to be the Office's flagship: it has been estimated that since its launching, it has managed to transform approximately 70% of all subsequent generations into useful clogs in the bureaucratic machine.
Parables and fairy tales
- a popular Anal Twitmas fairy tale: Moot Point and the seven Cocksucking Clauses. The plot revolves around a fairy trying to teach seven gnomes how to make a passable complaint for the troll of the complaint department. This fairy tale has been particularly effective in lessening the number of squeaky shoes all over the world.
- Fagstorkle Poopface and the ULTIMATE BUTT POOP!! is a well-known parable that is commonly used to not only teach children to go to potty rather than shitting on floors, but also to make notes of what kind of excrement they are producing. This behaviour has been seen as very useful for the development of a really effective bureaucratic mind. The plot painstakingly lists the adventures of a wacky character, Sir Fagstorkle Poopface, who gets into all sorts of serious dangers all of which contain poop in some form. Once Fagstorkle has learned all he can about BUTT POOP!! he is rewarded with a fresh set of diapers by his former enemy, Grandmother Snowbutt (whose nether regions have been frozen due to decades of disuse). As it turns out, at the point of receiving the gift Fagstorkle no longer needs any help with his excremental upbringing. He thus understands that the journey of cataloguing is a reward unto itself. The point is often hammered through to the immature audiences by threatening attitudes of the masked figure who tells the tale.
- Innocence lost and regained is a later, more adult-oriented tale in the Anal Twitmas tradition. Fagstorkle Poopface, now grown up, is a homosexual, lives alone, and occasionally hires male whores to fulfill his naughty pleasure. He lives in the notorious Sin City - also know as Paris, France - home of the romantic and the even more romantic. Through some horrible experiences with Erotic Freedom and its sidekick - called Love - Fagstorkle finally loses his unrepressed character and becomes a latent homosexual again. He gains a job as a bookkeeper and lives happily ever after. The finale of the tale consists of him getting a Merit Badge at his deathbed.
- How the Fagstorkle Stole Twitmas has also been created in the 20th century like the previous one. Also in this one Sir Fagstorkle Poopface lives in Paris. On Twitmas Eve, he crudely disguises himself as Anal Father Twitmas and descends on the city. He takes away all the real presents and replaces them with voting dildoes to install an efficient bureaucratic mentality among people of all ages. There is no retribution because order has been established rather than disturbed.
- Fagstorkle Poopface and the ULTIMATE BUTT POOP rides again. Note: this one can probably not be counted among Anal Twitmas tales at all. At the time of our writing this article the research is still pending: all possible sources must be inspected before any reasonable conclusion can be reached. We are currently cornering the residents of the Antarctic with our questionnaire. Plot: Fagstorkle and Mike Tyson are eating a reindeer's anus when suddenly ULTIMATE BUTT POOP drops out.
No tree, no decorations. Lists of presents that could not be bought, along with detailed reasons, are circulated among the non-celebrating people who have not gathered anywhere special. Order is maintained all through the festivities. Money is not being collected for the poor because more than 86% of them fail to fill in the applications.
Present day trends
A film version of Fagstorkle Poopface and the ULTIMATE BUTT POOP!! is being planned. The movie poster, pictured on the right, has been going through the complaint departments since 1985. Otherwise everything about Anal Twitmas seems to be in order. No new suggestions have been made, which is only positive.
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