UnNews:Obama to outline IS strategy after consulting Stonehenge gods

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Sunday, September 7, 2014

After sacrificing a one-year-old male goat, the President returned to face the world's press.

President Barack Obama will lay out a strategy this week to “go on offence” against Islamic State (IS/ISIS) after conducting a blood-soaked pagan ceremony at Stonehenge in the United Kingdom.

The President, who arrived in the UK last week, followed in the footsteps of recent presidents George W. Bush and Bill Clinton by performing an ancient ritual involving the slaughter of a one-year-old goat, whose entrails are then interpreted by a local druid in order for him to advise the president on his war strategy.

The druid, who introduced himself as Cwnyl Awst Inys, but whose driver's license identified him as Timothy D'Oliviera, explained to UnNews: "Many wise and valiant kings stumble and fall on the journey to battles in foreign lands. And so, thus, for this reason, come they to me for my counsel.

"When a man can no longer trust his gut, he can come to me and trust my guts."

The president initially appeared uncomfortable as he had to carry the goat to a makeshift altar at the centre of Stongehenge, and was visibly shaken when some of the animal's blood splattered his shirt.

However, he seemed emboldened by Cwnyl Awst Inys' reading. He stalked assertively towards the world's press, smearing the last of the goat blood in diagonal lines under his eyes, and opening his shirt to beat his chest menacingly, he declared: "We shall spear their flesh. We shall drain them of their blood. And we shall gnash our teeth on their bones."

This was later amended by White House officials to the following statement: “We are going to systematically degrade their capabilities. We’re going to shrink the territory that they control. And ultimately we’re going to defeat them.”

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