UnNews:Uninformed Westerners unsure who to support in Egypt

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5 July 2013

Chad Farmer, when asked if democracy is a stabilising option in a country which contains large groups of diametrically opposed peoples, and if it isn't, what the sensible alternative would be.

Millions of uninformed idiots in the Western world have been left "completely unable" to decide who to support during the current Egyptian crisis, an UnNews report can exclusively reveal.

When asked his opinion, Todd Layman, 22, an English major, said "Alright! Arabic Spring Part Deux! Democracy now!" However, when we explained that the Muslim Brotherhood was the party elected by the democratic elections which the Arabic Spring provoked, Layman asked us not to print his reaction. We declined.[1]

Persia Hutchington, a 30-year-old primary school teacher, wrote on Facebook: "Gwan[2] Egypt, throwing out religion from politics." However, when UnNews left a comment on her post, suggesting that an ideal political world might be free of both religion and, for example, bloody military coups, she "liked" the comment and replied, "That's so true! It's all so fucked up over there!"

Chad Farmer, 42, our local pornography store owner, summed up the thoughts of many of the people we spoke to. "Initially I was like, cool, the Muslim brotherhood are gone. But I think that was mostly 'cos I associate the word 'brotherhood' with the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants.

"Now I am a bit confused. It's like, democracy is only stable if your two options are pretty similar, or something. I mean, here, if the Republicans get in at the next election, people who voted Democrat will be pissed, but they won't burn down the city and slaughter people in the street and stuff.

"But if you have half of the country that wants, like, Shia law, and the other half wants, like, McDonalds and beach volleyball, how does it work?

"And like, what are the army going to do next?"

"And what are the 52% of the country who voted for the brotherhood going to do now their boy's in prison?"

"And like, are the other 48%, like, one group or not? Do you know?"

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Footnotes[edit]

  1. You do not have to say anything to UnNews, but anything you do say may be taken down and used as evidence against you.
  2. From the Jamaican patois for "Go on", this expression is now thought to be used exclusively by white people.