Alien abduction
“There is no such thing, it was just a weather balloon.”
“Where are my balls?”
“They impregnated me!”
“Hehe, its a vagina.....”
Alien Abductions are a phenomena that has been occurring since the existence of humans and kool Aid. Some people claim its a hoax, that Hollywood movies such as E.T., Star Wars, and Shrek cause you to have hallucinations of being abducted by little gay grey men. Others believe its the work of the Illuminati, and know that I've said this, I will never be heard from again. So cleanse your mind and forget about all that nonsense that I mentioned in the previous sentence. Abductees claim that these creatures(aliens) are malignant and are planning to splice our genes so that they could create their perfect hybrid(Nazi), watch humankind destroy itself, and then repopulate the planet with their perfect hybrid. While the abductors claim that they are peaceful creatures and are just trying to get a sexual thrill by looking at Naked People.
First Reported Abduction[edit | edit source]
Professor Buttmunch from the University of Alabama recalls the incident in the summer of 1969 as he explained: One night, I was driving to my exboyfriend's house to return his vibrator when I saw a huge light in my rearview mirror. I grabbed my shotgun and shot at the light, and I saw a helicopter crash into the ground and explode afterward.
Then I saw another bright light and I shot at it, but nothing happened, so I pulled over to see what it was. I remember seeing it land in the ground, squashing a squirrel. It was silver and shaped like a penis, and I saw four small grey creatures with big ass heads and large creepy looking black eyes. Afterward, they beat the crap out of me and dragged me into their ship. There, they started doing anal probing and sucking out every ounce of sperm in mah body. I remember waking up in my closet and found out I've been gone for three months.
To this day, Mr. Buttmunch still has scarring memories of the incident and blamed himself for having such a fine ass. So on March 14, 2010, Professor Buttmunch committed suicide by drowning himself in his toilet which hasn't been flushed for over four years.
Hypnosis[edit | edit source]
Researchers have done experiments with the Pokiman Drowsee and abductees. There were striking similarities from abductee stories. Most abductees were really hot Womans. Most notable ones include Jessica Alba, Megan Fox, Beyonce, and MILFs. In most cases, aliens impregnate hot women themselves without the need of male sperm. These victims say that alien reproductive organs are most similar to those of an asian man. Very small and very funny. The male abductees, however, say they were abducted by former alien inmates from space jail and enjoy the buttocks, which they dubbed "anal probing". Scientists are still doing hardcore research on the subject until we have a reason for these intergalactic atrocities.
The Truth[edit | edit source]
Did you know that ugh, ugh, I mean... there is no such thing as aliens and that this article is all complete nonsense? Hehehe, yeah, just pure nonsense. No, I am not being monitored by the FBI, CIA, and US Government, that's absurd. Now proceed in doing none UFO research now, uhuh uhuh. Wait! <insert name here>, you must help me! I'm being held captive by the illuminaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Crop Circles[edit | edit source]
There is a connection between crop circles and abductions. For every one crop circle that appears in a hillbilly's backyard, 10,000 people are gonna be abducted by ze aliens next tuesday. Also, crop circles can be "graffiti" from aliens who claim the place as their turf due to alien gangwars. Anyhow, there are no other connections between circles and abductions other than this article being used to stall you from noticing ur mom being abducted as you're reading this article.
How to Prevent an Alien Abduction[edit | edit source]
Step 1: Do not masturbate before you sleep.
- Aliens love the scent of freshly rubbed out fluid.
Step 2: Check if your mum is still in her bedroom.
- If not, then she didn't read step 1 carefully.
Step 3: Setup a lazor beam security system in your room.
Step 4: Following step 1, do not pray either.
- That would convince aliens that you are afraid, making you an easy target.
Step 6: Ignore the fact that step 5 is missing.
Step 7: Keep the nightlight on.
- Sure, it would make your electric bill skyrocket, but it's better than anal probing, amirite?
Step 8: Check if your mom is still in her room.
- If not, then she didn't read steps 1-7 carefully.
Step 9: Keep an armed weapon under your pillow.
Step 10: Sleep under the bed.
- Smart, huh?
