User talk:Funnybony

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December 24[edit source]

I see you on-site again. Merry Christmas and all the other merry holidays to you and yours. May the light of Rama and that monkey shine on you throughout the week. And after too, like all of next year. And more than that. Al 21:39 24decemb12

Cheers, mate! Happy Holidays! I'll be calling...Y/bro--Funny bony

21:58, Dec 24

Hey, Sog came back. It's a Festivus miracle! Al, 23:36 later that day

REALLY!!! A Christmas miracle. Great!!!--Funny bony

08:27, Dec 25

I've decided[edit source]

That we are going to colaborate on a New Years Eve themed news piece. So...what are we going to do? --ShabiDOO 14:58, December 29, 2012 (UTC)

Don't know, mate! I just checked the headlines and nothing is particularly catchy. Any ideas? How about New Year's Eve atomic fireworks display levels Iran?--Funny bony

18:14, Dec 29

Iranians celebrate new years with neuclear fire works display over Tehran (of even better, Tel-Aviv ??? --ShabiDOO 19:03, December 29, 2012 (UTC)

Mate, I can't think of anything off hand. And lots of personal stuff to do. If you can make a draft I'll go over it. Cheers!--Funny bony

08:03, Dec 30

Not a problem, I colabed with another user. here. Thanks a million for the idea. Have a happy new year! --ShabiDOO 18:45, December 31, 2012 (UTC)

Much Thanks![edit source]

Murder Frog has awarded you a pair of scissors!
Now go run around with them.

You gave my rewrite Jim Morrison a For. on VFH, and for that I am tickled pink. Here you go; have your very own scissors. --Murder Frog ✄ Dull interest wanes. 00:25, December 30, 2012 (UTC)

Sappy New Year[edit source]

Thanks for the Sappy New Year. Check out near the bottom of this, I'd like your opinion on a howto, bottom of the page. HowTo:Don't take any wooden nickels. Al timeless

Funny one. I can't think of anything. Wait! Huh? Oh, a pin just dropped!--Funny bony

13:47, Dec 31

Uhhhhhhhh (silent scream). The bottom of the page, go all the way down. That's what she said. Al later

Mutaween[edit source]

I minced words in your Intro, but problems remain. The last sentence of the first paragraph cues the reader to laugh (essentially, "these are funny guys") before providing the laughter-inducing raw material; and the third paragraph is way too factual. It reads as though awareness-raising is competing with humor. Spıke ¬ 13:27 31-Dec-12

Hey! Cool! I just did a bit more on your advice. It's a collab now so fix whatever you like. Always appreciated.--Funny bony

13:44, Dec 31

My problems with it still remain, and I don't wish to wrestle the article into a completely different direction. The only addition that leaps to mind, under Other meanings, would be a British chapter involved with the well-documented effort to put Sharia into official use in the UK. "This chapter of the Mutaween is known as the Weetabix." Spıke ¬ 14:55 31-Dec-12

Yeah, lets don't change the direction. But please add the part you're referring to. Most welcome.--Funny bony

15:33, Dec 31

Congrats[edit source]

You've won. You're our 1,000,000th visitor and won a visit to the ~~Ghetto~~ Disneyland........................ just kidding. But Congratulations on being nominated for Writer of the Year. You've earned it!--Sir Peasewhizz de New York (Chat) (Stalk?) 03:46, January 1, 2013 (UTC)

Much appreciated, Mate!!! You're really trying hard - and are bound for greatness! Cheers!--Funny bony

07:26, Jan 1

Drop your pants and grab the eggnog! It's the UnSignpost.[edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Smiting the nail of news with the plastic hammer of truth

January 2nd, 2013 • Issue 180 • We always do it Manually!

Vote! Or else!

By Chief

This image has not been altered in any way

Is it that time of year again? It's the time when everyone celebrates the people who are the most remarkable amongst us at everything except what matters. It's time for Writer of the Year, Uncyclopedian of the Year and Useless Gobshite of the Year. These compliment our small selection of awards: WotM, UotM, PotM, NotM, AotM, RotM, EGA, FP, PWotM, ANOTM, Top 10 o' the month, UGotM, VFH, VFD, VFS and VFP. Not forgetting of course to all the userspace awards.

Writer of the Year got off to a splendid start when Aleister in Chains nominated Funnybony and SPIKE for the award by writing brief but poignant marriage proposals to both of them. Thank goodness for Aleister, if not for him the wider world might have assumed we weren't all massive girls. Since then Thekillerfroggy nominated Xamralco, who was not able to express his appreciation due to a serious case of not editing the wiki any longer.

As always what should be a rigorous heterosexual competition involving manly pursuits like backstabbing, lies, blackmail and threats is being irretrievably compromised by people like Aleister and Shabidoo; people whose sole purpose on the awards pages is to make everybody else feel bad about not noticing other people. Uncyclopedian of the Year is being lead by Romartus, Uncyclopedia's voting-in-chief. Shockingly, he was also nominated by Aleister who, as it turns out, is gayer than Christmas, apparently Romartus makes him "Proud to be an uncyclopedian", he makes "Legendary votes on VFH" and gives "Legendary hand relief".

Potatochopper of the Year is a more subdued and manly affair, where absolutely nobody has been nominated at all... it's like reviewer of the month were moved to a different page name. Hopefully Aleister or Shabidoo will nominate someone soon, we here at the UnSignpost have gone to the trouble of writing the nomination for them: "<insert name here> has made many fantastic images, at least two of which I have made love to on at least nineteen occasions. My genitals ache for them every single evening and someday they will make my dreams come true and love me! Also Olipro sucks balls."

Olipro was the only nominee for Useless Gobshite of the Year (insert your own joke here), but Zombiebaron quickly joined him in ignominy. Please go vote for both of them so they may end up tied, and share the prize (a year's supply of toilet paper) on their revolving bed built entirely from used condoms and KY bottles.

From the desk of the Cabal: 2013 is the year of subservience

By Nobody

Once again you all stand before us, another year of failure behind you and another year of subjugation ahead of you. The non-existent Cabal would like to wish you all a happy New Year. All ~~workers~~ users are reminded that failure to celebrate the new year with adequate happiness and joy is punishable by enforced time labouring in the non-existent Lime Quarries followed by the immediate cessation of chocolate rations for the remainder of this work quarter.

Once again you have failed us, utterly and completely. Last year we advised you all that resistance was utterly unnecessary and, if anything, we have had to tolerate 0.22% more resistance, we have heard you discuss and then decide to leave our kind benefactors, whilst promoting several of your own number to within the cabal in an effort to encourage dissent and democracy within our ranks. We saw you continue to tinker with that which does not concern you whilst simultaneously complaining when people are warned about the indecent images you propagate amongst your number. It seems prudent to remind you that if we delete every single template, every single image and every single forum your freedom will only increase. It is not what some of you have foolishly referred to as "overly deletionist", it is streamlining and it is good for all of you.

It is with vague optimism that we note that you continue to strive at a barely satisfactory level, you have certainly earned a small fraction of the baubles and trinkets that have been handed out over the past year. It has not escaped our notice that the Worst 100 Reflections on 2012 only closed on time this year due to Thekillerfroggy skipping sixty of the reflections, we are gratified to note that Roman Dog Bird had practically no input on the list and very few of them regard uncontrolled outbreaks of creativity and morale, such dangerous forces must be carefully rationed and controlled.

Cutting of corners and a blatant disregard for regulations do not amuse the Cabal.

Now we must inexorably turn our attentions to 2013 and the promise it brings. All users should note that due to several security compromises over the last few months movement throughout the Uncyclopedia complex has been restricted during the hours of darkness. Where major editing is to take place you must ensure that you have faxed the appropriate forms to your divisional liaison officer prior to commencing work, failure to do so will result in an unacceptable breakdown in bureaucracy.

Uncyclopedia must prevail, editors must remember that without patient mind numbing work and servitude we can never accomplish our ultimate goal of... well, that need not concern you.

That is all citizens, you may now return to your allocated taskings.

Check out these pages!

BURN THE WIKI BURN IT TO THE GROUND
A long, long, very long forum where nothing was accomplished and everybody eventually just started typing random bullshit.
A bad, bad, very bad idea, which the UnSignpost endorses with full vigor.
An even worse idea.
A page where Kip the Dip takes credit for something bad, very bad.
A discussion far more important than any of the preceding links.

Screw You Guys, I'm Going Home:

03:48, May 2, 2012 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 20 minutes ‎ (Hahaha you're not an admin so I can do this and get away with it! Hahaha! (hahahhaha))

22:44, May 18, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 hour ‎ (Not cool to use other people's sigs man......*shity eyes*.....)

23:07, July 17, 2012 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎ (Snoopin' around in areas he shouldn't be concerned with)

19:32, October 4, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 44 seconds ‎ (I must block you at least once in order to be more awesome than you.)

03:31, November 17, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Shame on you for hating on Australian films! [DO NOT UNBAN])

02:11, December 13, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 4 minutes ‎ (User request)

16:11, December 19, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 10 minutes ‎ (Necessary research into the reasons for no funny bans having happened last week. Do not be alarmed, we are trained professionals, and also very aroused.)

01:29, December 26, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 33 seconds ‎ (Telling me how to be an administrator)

Biopic of the Week
When we carried our knuckle-dusters and brick-filled socks to the talk page of new user Equilateralperil this past week to interview him, we were amused and perplexed to see him employ the classic defensive stance of a painfully shy, abused opossum. Rolling into the fetal position on the ground with his buttocks in the air, he began to reveal embarrassing personal details in a shrill voice, shouting "Have a field day, you scamps! Yes, mock me harder!", apparently hoping that we would walk away in disgust. However, to assume that reverse psychology would work on Uncyclopedians is to give them credit for having something that they don't, namely, a psychology. Some of the details which he will now regret ever having shared:

Equilateral (that's what we call him for short, when we don't call him Bitch) is a 17-year-old schoolboy living in Victoria in Australia, is at the "top of his class" in multiple subjects, and is on his school's debate team.
As he is on his school's rock band, jazz band, and "show" band, we are forced to assume that his school, like the one from Glee, is filled to the brim with people wearing matching plaid shirts, bow ties, white vests, and straw skimmers, who are all horrifyingly perky and prone to breaking into song (or dance) for no apparent reason—especially when the occasion does not require it.
He claims to have had one girlfriend, who was Japanese and broke his heart. He refused to supply nude pictures of her, so we are forced to conclude that she is imaginary.
For Christmas, he claims he received a "charcoal Italian moleskin jacket", which he is apparently wearing at this moment, over his Casper-the-Ghost™ footie pajamas.

So there you have it! From our experience, Equilateralperil is most likely his school's Designated Punching Nerd, and spends most of his spare time pulling his poodle-haired head from toilets, when he isn't writing excellent articles for Uncyclopedia. While he's on holiday in Perth or Canberra or someplace, do give them a read.

Newsroom UnTune of the Week

The Uncyclopedian's Song

This space left intentionally penis.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate)

~ Wed, Jan 2 '13 13:14 (UTC)

Unerectable, ah, Untouchable[edit source]

There is a little bit about untouchables in Mohandas Gandhi. And maybe you should read this new forum, it seems the sites are splitting tomorrow, and this site will be overrun by IP's and vandals (likely some vandals from the group leaving, if I understand human nature right). Chief Justice and others may stay here, we'll see. "Al" 12:09 3-1-'13

Tomorrow? No... Saturday. Cat the Colourful (Feed me!) Zzz

12:13, 3 January, 2013 (UTC)

Where do you live? In some of the world this is already well into Friday. Some of us are going to evening prayers in a few minutes, over to the mosque. Jeez, you infidels. Aleister 12:15 3-1-13

Whoops, I forgot the timezone. Damn, you people get the new Uncyclopedia faster! Grhh... Cat the Colourful (Feed me!) Zzz

12:18, 3 January, 2013 (UTC)

Cheers!!![edit source]

Happy New Year!!!

--Funny bony 07:52, Jan 7

Dang, Thailand looks fun, I should come visit some time. ~ BB ~ (T)

~ Mon, Jan 7 '13 8:22 (UTC)

Hey Bizzee! It's the winter now - which is kinda like the best weather you could even dream of in Hawaii. But the other three seasons are hot, hotter and hottest - which is when people throw water at each other. Cheers, mate!--Funny bony

08:31, Jan 7

Well, that's why I should come visit in the winter. :D ~ BB ~ (T)

~ Mon, Jan 7 '13 8:38 (UTC)

UnSignpost sez, "Give Pease a Chance!"[edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That DOESN'T Think It's Better Than You!

Jan 11th, 2012 • Issue 181 • Solid information. At its worst.

Three cheers! SPIKE is going to lose his bet!

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

If you haven't heard, we recently moved and split from those meanies at Wikia. If you haven't heard, you're 1) either oblivious or 2) new to this site. Because... you are on the site now. But don't get me wrong, we are sooooo better than the fools who stayed. AY! Speaking of fools at the old, less stylish Uncyclopedia site, (maybe I'll regret saying this in the future) SPIKE made a bet with a few other users that the new site would be out and down by the end of the week. Being Saturday the 12th. We will all stay up Friday night and count down until that naughty dog is proven wrong. However if we do fail, which we won't, SPIKE will become known as a psychic throughout the globe. We aren't going to let this happen, are we? If you haven't gotten the hint... the answer is a big N and a big O! NO! Plus, SPIKE, according to TKF has a very bad betting history. Send him to Vegas, lord, please! Make him bankrupt or something, please?

Also, some examples of the users that decided to migrate to this site (all the cool users do this) are for one, myself, Zombiebaron, RAHB, Simmy, Lyrithya, Aleister who received a name change, and TKF, who received a name change. Not to forget that one guy, Sir Frosty, who has been recently reverted all of our pornos, for our self enjoyment. The majority of his reverts of the Wikia censorship thingy-ma-bobber pics involved boobies. Nice work, Frosty. Round of applause everybody!

On the other hand, all the cool cats are doing it, so go add yourself to this list and tell us about how you stumbled upon calling yourself what you are known as here. Better be good, or we're coming to get ya! We're gonna suck out your insides using your intestines as a bendy straw, YUM! An example includes Zombiebaron, who got his name from stealing it from a video game. Another example is Strange but untrue, who took the name from her first (probably porn) website. Some lame examples include David Gerard's and Splaka's, who became known as that because of a typo. I myself, am a typo of my parents, who misspelled condom worked and here I am. Splaka failed to tell us more about the typo and what word was suppose to be the username. Shame, shame, shame!

And one last thing, Ly is demanded the reporting of any and all (EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF 'EM, OR ELSE) bugs/crashes/malfunctions/apocalypses the site gives you. They should be reported here, or else we'll ~~kill~~ help you.

That is it for now, I am Sir Peasewhizz, you are some random reader in which I may not know, this article is over, except for this line: I need some soup.

Be ashamed

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

Just because of that little incident, you had to make more little incidents, Kip? Shame! Look what you've done, oh dear heavens!

Check out these pages!

Report any bugs here or die. We're not horsing around. Where are all by rights be meant to be taken in NO WAY ANYTHING OTHER THAN SERIOUS. THIS IS UNCYCLOPEDIA! And.We.Are.Honest!
Indeed it does. But what else is supposed to suck? Why is your mind in the gutter? You sicken me.
We want boobies! Get it? You see a censored pick of 'em, reversion! Give us boobies, or give us death!
Link your page. Art is nice.
What about us? Is something wrong?

From our logs:

16:58, January 7, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Wutjtod En.Uncy.Co Deluxe Limited Edition (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite (Not being Zombiebaron: <youtube>n9sEBBCIZ54</youtube>)
02:30, January 6, 2013 MoneySign (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk) with an expiry time of 2.71828182 hours (... like flowers!!)
02:27, January 6, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked MoneySign (Talk) with an expiry time of 3.141592653589 hours (You smell.)
02:26, January 6, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) resurrected Frosty (Talk) (UR GAY)
02:25, January 6, 2013 MoneySign (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk) with an expiry time of 3.1415926 hours (Active admin does administrator activity.)
22:53, January 5, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Socksilikesocks (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite (Fuck off)
18:12, January 5, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked MoneySign (Talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (Not supporting my vote, also hasn't been banned in 2 and a half years, you call yourself an admin???)

Biopic of the Week
Sorry, due to recent tasks that are far more important, there is no Biopic of the Week. If you need medical help, wait... what?

Newsroom UnTune of the week
Sorry, due to recent tasks that are far more important, there is no Newsroom UnTune of the Week. Please go listen to your favorite band. It is highly recommended by 8 out of 4 doctors. Which means 2 doctors recommend it.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate)

~ Fri, Jan 11 '13 5:28 (UTC)

Unsignpost - 20130119042144 gibberish asdf[edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Smiting the nail of news with the plastic hammer of truth

Jan 19th, 2012 • Issue 182 • Because if the rumors don't spread at the salon, we must spread them in the news.

The Return of Not Jedis, but rather Old Users

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

Not this kind of old.

No, we do not mean users with ages soaring into the atmosphere. Well, I hope so. Because 80 year old users would be weird, just saying.

However, users who had currently quit the Wikia back up to years ago have now returned, and maybe all will return. Why did they leave? Protest mainly, or traveling the world. The world is big, however, so that could explain things.

Some sysops have returned, including MoneySign, Tom mayfair, MadMax, etc.

On the hand of the those who aren't admins, TheSlyFox sneaked back into the site, ColinAYB has returned, and even Acmed2 has returned after his rage quit in September of 2012.

So basically, what is to be said for here is, well... Uncyclopedia attracts quality writers that write from the heart, which Wikia wouldn't allow. Everybody, here's a life lesson: Down with Wikia!

Argument on swastikas is fading

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

Recently, I have raised a master debate on HGA's (who desires to be called HGA instead of his actual username, so don't call him ~~Aimsplode~~ by his actual username ever! You can read about the reasons here, where he also made a speech that made many children cry in appreciation of its beauty. If I may quote the great Aimsp-er, HGA himself:

“

I love the swastika. I find it bold, and very rigid, just as Hitler intended (usually, only the Nazi-stylized version, such as this). It's almost mesmerizing how beautiful such an object can be. That is why I use it as my person identification symbol. I want to be associated with this figure. If I didn't, then hell, I wouldn't be using it.

Another reason is my facination with the Nazi Party, and Hitler: the order, regimented society, propaganda. He was a fucking genius, Hitler. He wrote all his own speeches, made his own tours, just to keep the public in a trance. He had human psychology to an art. He new how to run his coun try perfectly. His only blunder was attacking the Russians, which was caused by his lust for world domination too quickly. If he had kept pounding the British, and had a little more patience, surely he would have won. This lifestyle, rise and fall, rage and grace, interests me to no end. I love spending time picking apart the various aspects of Nazi society, and Hitler's life. A few of my views fall in line with Hitler's, but nothing substantial. I would not be massacring people, of course: that only make conflict. And in this day in age, it is impossible to pull off such a feat as him in such secrecy.

”

So there ya have it, folks: HGA ≠ Nazi. However, he does think Hitler was a good person. He dicked with some admins and now he's infibanned. Hmmm...

So hopefully, Kip's influence off my original forum will die down and stop influencing others. Like Joey's instinct to respond, as seen here: Joey Number's sig.

However, DO NOT confuse these mock threads with this response seen here, as Socky has a very good point. Go vote now!

Select User of the Week
This week, there was a tie between Frosty and MadMax, who both raped the recent changes log like there was no tomorrow. Keep up the good work, fellas!

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

17:39, January 17, 2013 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Sir Peasewhizz (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 20 seconds ‎ (Very serious, very formal testing)

05:39, January 16, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 70 minutes ‎ (I did 1 better than you. Suck it leddy!)

12:40, January 15, 2013 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked 70.169.90.254 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (You want everybody on Uncyclopedia to have lotsa sex? What a nice thing to say.)

10:08, January 13, 2013 Tom mayfair (Talk | contribs) blocked MadMax (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 seconds ‎ (Break Time! . .. ... .... ..... Okay, get back to work.)

Biopic of the Week
This week, when we spoke to Sir Peasewhizz via teleconference from his executive jetliner as he was cruising 45,000 feet above the Bay of Bengal, he appeared to be lounging on a settee constructed entirely from nude women and the pelts of animals which he'd personally made extinct. It made us wonder if he was compensating for something, such as the fact that he's 14 years old, or that he has no girlfriend, or that, as a girlfriendless 14-year-old, his extracurricular activities likely consist of taking potshots at the family cat with ropy streams of jizz. (Just guessing, of course. The alcohol and STDs killed our recollection of our teenage years.)

Sir Whizz, who joined the wiki last year as Kamek98, got acquainted with the other fresh talent, nominated a few articles on VFH, and wrote a couple of articles himself before promptly being bollocksed by SPIKE, whose helpfulness towards newbies knows no bounds. And by "knows no bounds", we mean "doesn't exist." In spite of this, Sir Whizz stuck with Uncyc like gum on a brand-new shoe, and is currently doing his best impression of a puppy, sticking his nose into everything, leaving puddles of drool everywhere, and actually running off with the UnSignpost, which we would be grateful for, if we weren't too busy shaking our fists at him for having initiative.

Sir Whizz informed us rather ostentatiously that he is unable to make a major monetary donation to the New Uncyclopedia because, as he put it, "I just bought a new electric guitar." He went on to show us the guitar, a one-off Gibson Flying-V with ebony inlays, a solid-platinum humbucker, and the autographs of Jimmy Page, Eric Clapton, and Jimi Hendrix done in gold-leaf along the neck. It's good to see that Sir Whizz has his priorities in order—"Axes before taxes", we always say, and as this quip immobilized long-time IRC lurker RAHB with an uncontrollable fit of giggle-spasms, we believe it is quite excellent, and intend to repeat it at every available opportunity until Judgement Day.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~

I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 04:22, 19 January 2013

Unsignpost - 20130124050125 gibberish asdf[edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Telling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!

January 24th, 2013 • Issue 183 • Better sign it.

The spam finds its way

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

Nobody could have expected the return of the spam. I'm just kidding. Everyone knew it was going to happen. Recently, Ly has made it so editing is more open to those who aren't "users" and with that, came the inevitable spam. Probably the first major bit of spam came from a user who was putting a troll face in 400px on many pages (including category pages). I alerted Lyrithya on IRC and she blocked the user with a time of infinite. I had already put the user on Ban Patrol. Yes, Ban Patrol. We need to kick it into gear now. Like it once was. We want more of it.

The everyday troll causing harm to the defenseless like me and you.

So please, get your spam spray ready, the Ban Patrol ready to penetrate, and your anti-spam mind in motion. That is an order!

The Cold War Update

By Meganew

Well, ladies and gentlemen... It has begun. For those of you who don't know, (you should all know, it has been a few weeks) the great internet humor wiki known across the world as Uncyclopedia has officially split, since January 5th to be precise. While there are those who remain loyal to the original (now completely Wikia-owned) Uncyc, others have left and formulated a site of their own, "Free Uncyclopedia," if you will. Every Saturday, starting this week, I will give an update at Uncyc Cold War on the current situation, sharing details with the populaces of both sites on any updates pertaining to the current split. Post on that page's talk page if you wish to give your input as a Wikia Uncycer or a Free Uncycer.

Some of you may wish to know how this started... It all goes back a very long time ago, when a man named Chronarion sold the original Uncyclopedia (uncyclopedia.org) to Wikia for beer and hookers, the company originally created by Jimbo Wales as a hub of wikis for various specific subjects. Over the years, Wikia did many things to Uncyclopedia, including domain name updates, restrictions on hardline levels of satire, and most notable of all, the censoring of all unclad racks on the entire site. The final spark was (according to Frosty, one of the Free Uncyc leaders (Sannse we're ratting you out), a heavy demand over adding a North America-only suicide prevention hotline to the suicide page. Regardless of the circumstances, members were tired of Wikia, and as such left the site to formulate their own variant. Frosty would then go on a rage to revert all booby pictures and give us nudes once again.

If you touch the red zones in just the right way... it will cause an explosion.

A primary difficulty for years was the fact that there was no original domain name that a new Uncyclopedia could be built on. Uncyclopedia.org was in Wikia's hands, after all. Incapable of simply leaving, a domain name ([en.uncyclopedia.co]) was eventually found, and the move was made by the majority of writers and the like. The inevitable struggle between these two wikis will prove to be most interesting to watch as it plays out.

Until next week, keep on trucking!

UnVoyage - journey around the world without leaving your seat, the ultimate travel experience for lazy people!

By Yrtneg

Uncyclopedian Yrtneg has created a new project - UnVoyage. It's a parody of Wikivoyage. It's a fake travel guide with pages like "Space", "Hell", and etc. Now of course, we're all going to forget about it before six months, but who cares. Go ahead and add some pages! Bitch. Right now there's nothing but who cares. Uncyclopedian Carlb suggested making pages like "Titanic" and "the moon". The main page is at UnVoyage and it's pretty fucked up. Go check it out!

Select User of the Week
The select user of the week for this edition of USP is RAHB, because he was the only one who would pay attention to VFH. Be ashamed all you neglecting other admins! Just kidding, the VFH is dead. So go vote.

Newsroom Random Article of the Week

UnScripts:Dragon Ball Z: The Missing Episode Transcript

Random Word of the Week
Gap - The thing that your mom should close between her legs.

Important Tip of the Week
Don't hump donkeys.

Check out these pages!

Can we find them?

From our logs:

09:27, January 23, 2013 Jack Phoenix (Talk | contribs) blocked 74.214.47.130 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (<span style="font-size: 901px; overflow: none; position: absolute;">FUCK</span>)

15:57, January 22, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Yrtneg (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (All but admitted to being User:TheBorrower on IRC.)

15:54, January 22, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked TheBorrower (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (This is fucking stupid for about five hundred reasons.)

00:48, January 22, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 91.207.8.30 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (Spam, Maps, Pams, Amps.)

23:40, January 21, 2013 TKF (Talk | contribs) blocked SirPeasewhizz (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 4 hours ‎ (since he asked nicely. but seriously man)

23:26, January 21, 2013 TKF (Talk | contribs) blocked SirPeasewhizz (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 18 hours ‎ (for god's sake man, i literally just told you to stop flooding VFH)

16:51, January 21, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Wiley812 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Nobody cares about your gay products.)

22:53, November 19, 2024 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked EugeneKay (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 17 minutes ‎ (Gayer than Christmas: Asked to be banned.)

17:11, January 19, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 208.54.35.212 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Piss poor attempt at a scam)

Featured Article of the Week
The featured article of the week is: UnNews:NONSENSE WATERMELON CATASTROPHE

Biopic of the Week
This week, we spoke with the hot admin that offers 69ing upon request via IRC. Yes, IRC.

We asked him what his favorite thing to do was... he replied doggystyle or the Reverse Manatee. We asked him what he was doing to help the site. He replied; "Continuing to manage our social media presence, reforming project layouts to adhere to Wikimedia's formatting, and managing our e-store and donations. Also acting as our PR contact but the press isn't interested."

When we asked him if he does all these while performing the cowgirl over the top squeezedown twister-ma-jigger down-town position. He said yes, on occasional basis. He also says, "Occasionally it can get tedious so I sometimes must defer such responsibilities to a third party."

Then we asked him if he was aware the term rape can also be called a struggle snuggle. He said "Yes, and I think it's a shame that liberal political correctness has infiltrated almost every inch of our culture."

Then we asked him what he thought of Obama snaggin' our guns. He replied, "He'll get my guns when he snatches them from my cold, dead fingers, which I only have 7 of because of a loose firing pin on my Glock. Ehh, make that 6.5 actually."

Nice.

Then we asked him, "for the bright young users who migrated here and are very active, where do you see them going on this site? Any advice? Any tips? What they should do to become a better user? etc."

His advice was heart-touching. "I haven't been looking at our new users, but I encourage them to keep editing and refer their friends to do the same. We hope to have cash prize contests again so I encourage them to stick around for that and other exciting things to come. One tip I could recommend is to not be a dick. Most users are very likable once you talk to them through another medium such as IRC or Skype, so don't take the editing or wiki politics personally. And they can just read all of my articles instead of the HTBFANJS. My articles are a guide and inspiration for humor."

There you have it everybody! Hotadmin4u69!

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I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 05:02, 24 January 2013

Unsignpost - 20130131002159 gibberish asdf[edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Self-Proclaimed Greatest Periodical Of All Time!

January 31st, 2013 • Issue 184 • We're delivering it to your door anyways!

First month of the Real Uncyclopedia, a sexy & successful one

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

January is over, and to sum things up; the Real Uncyclopedia is doing well. Along with the move, we had multiple features, new users, successful donations, the opping of Bizzeebeever, the new ability to check users, the return of TheLedBalloon and Dawg, etc., a new Uncyclo-project called UnVoyage, new gadgets, name changes, a new poopsmith, more boobies, and even edits from a V6 IP address! Last but not least, the USP is getting done. With contributions from ZB!

...and here's Slender dancing in celebration!

So thank you all and we hope to see more joy in the months, years, decades, centuries, and even galactic light-years to come!

Social media

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

Recently, a new addition has been made to Uncyclopedia's Social Media Team. None other than the one, the only, the fabulous Sir Peasewhizz! Sir Peasewhizz has already updated the only Twitter you should care about, found here. He has also been made part of the staff for the official Uncyclopedia Facebook, found here. And if you're not following these precious and incredible feeds, then shame! Make time!!!!!...please? Thank you. Thank you.

Select User of the Week
The select user of the week for this edition of USP is Zombiebaron for carrying out the VFD orders. Or should we say, he ate them?! No? No?

Newsroom Random Article of the Week

Nerds vs. Geeks

Ask Zombiebaron

Zombiebaron, are you actually gay? (asked by Frosty @ 22:29, 27 January 2013): No.

Zombiebaron, is Frosty actually gay? (asked by Kip @ 22:56, Jan. 27, 2013): Yes.

Zombiebaron, is your mom actually SO GHEY? (asked by RAHB @ 23:19, 27 January 2013): Everybody's mom is SO GHEY. Giving birth is the most homosexual thing anyone can do.

I was going through my boyfriend's text messages and found that he had told his ex that she was a "sexy fox" that "anybody would be lucky to have" and he still expects me to sleep next to him tonight and I don't know how to feel. What do I do? (asked by ColinAYB @ 19:30, Sunday 27 January 2013): First off, stop reading your boyfriend's text messages. Those are private. But here's what you should do: use his phone to text that slut all kinds of sexy stuff. Then meet up with her and have some amazing lesbian sex. Then just break up with your boyfriend and move in with her. That'll teach him!

where do I keep my keys hidden? (asked by Madclaw @ 22:11, 27 January 2013): Supergeeky1's rectum.

Ask Zombiebaron questions and maybe he will answer them!

Important Tip of the Week
When you fart, say "I smell popcorn" so people can easily take a good old whiff of it.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

22:01, January 29, 2013 Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) blocked 176.249.132.5 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (SPAAAAM)

03:40, January 27, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Mr-ex777 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 minutes ‎ (Not banned enough yet: Seriously that's the best I got.)

21:06, January 26, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Kip the Dip (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 4 minutes ‎ (I found this)

06:24, January 25, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (lol check ur irc logz)

05:52, January 25, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) resurrected RAHB (Talk | contribs) (Hawkwind. That is all.)

05:27, January 25, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked RAHB (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (SUCK MAH FAT JUICY BONER DICK)

05:25, January 25, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) resurrected Frosty (Talk | contribs) (SUCK MY DICK)

05:06, January 25, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 300 minutes ‎ (The plankets and pillon are where it's at)

05:05, January 25, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) resurrected RAHB (Talk | contribs) (Too sexy to stay banned.)

04:46, January 25, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked RAHB (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (tkaing advntage of my drinkinbg)

02:55, January 25, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) resurrected 2600:100D:B126:3798:0:0:0:103 (Talk | contribs) (Very kind chap who politely asked on IRC to be unblocked. I, personally, also think he's sexy.)

01:32, January 25, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 2600:100D:B126:3798:0:0:0:103 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Whatever you are on... You need to be off it.)

21:41, January 24, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) resurrected Yrtneg (Talk | contribs) (Said he was sorry...)

20:32, January 24, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Yrtneg (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (That page you created about Aimsplode wasn't very nice >.>)

Featured Article of the Week
The featured article of the week is: The things your family doesn't know.

Biopic of the Week
This week we spoke with the new, the mega, the Meganew! Done via IRC, we spoke with him. He had some nifty things to say for us this week during his interview!

When we spoke with Meganew, he said his intentions to for Uncyclopedia was to ~~fuck it up~~ keep the control stabilized whilst putting his leadership to keep Uncyclopedia as one of the top sites located on the internet! His favorite part of this plan is that he is going to use his leadership ability. He said this will be done as a result of an obvious supporting from the member-base in his political movements.

Meganew is eager to show you the Uncyclopedia Civil War thing he is doing too.

His last input was on what he thought of the first month of the Real Uncyclopedia's running. He said he thought it was rather interesting, and he is very ecstatic to see where where the new site goes over the next few years!

So there you have it folks! Give a good old round of applause for the talented Meganew!

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I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:22, 31 January 2013

Unsignpost - 20130207013217 gibberish asdf[edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Self-Proclaimed Greatest Periodical Of All Time!

February 6th, 2013 • Issue 185 • There is news in this thing.

GLORY! GLORY! WINNNERS! WINNERS! WIINNERRRRS!! YAYYYYY!

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

Aye! Yes, it is true. January is now over. So we're into to February 2013, where the second month of the new site is bound to be kickin'! Am I right or am I right? Well, here's some news that you can get excited for. With the conclusion of January 2013, we have the 2012 Year Award winners implanted into the sexy body of Uncyclopedia History and boy do we have some happy users out there! After a close competition in each category, (which wasn't rigged at all!) behold the users whom gained more "jazzy-ness" from the conclusion of the voting!

A trophy for winners!

First off, the Writer of the Year is none other than the killer... the froggy... TKF! TKF won Writer of the Year 2012 with 8 for votes and a baby-slapping 15.5 features tallied for the year twenty-twelve. Coming in second place was Funnybony with 5 votes and 14 features in 2012! Xamralco came in third with 3 votes for and most of his 2012 features being Top features of the month!

Second off we have Uncyclopedian of the Year. The winners of UOTY 2012 is a tie between the recently opped in January '13 and quite picture-n-tech master; Bizzeebeever. Who did he tied with? Oh, just the newly opped in September of 2012; the young Australian divinity Frosty! Both had 9 for votes! Coming in 3rd place was Romartus, an admin who chose to stay with the old site, who received a pretty good 6 votes for. Good competition boys!

Third off is Potatochopper of the Year (AKA Radical-X of the Year). Who is this winner? Going for the double crown after winning the Uncyclopedian of the Year along with Frosty, is Bizzeebeever! Great pictures man! Great pictures! Not only did he win by an impression-pushing 8 votes in his favor, but he was so good he scared away competition! He was the only nominee and obviously nobody else was nominated because everyone knows that BB would crush his competition. We're not kidding...

Another trophy for the winners!

May the fourth be Gobshite of Ultimate in 2012. Being the only two gobshites nominated, the two tied and were written down in ~~shame~~ Uncyclopedian history. Who were these fine young users? Only your very own Zombiebaron and Olipro!

Now we have the month awards for January 2013. Categories are: n00b of the Moment, Uncyclopedian of the Month, Useless Gobshite of the Month, and the Foolitzer Prize for January 2013! What? You're wondering why Writer of the Month wasn't mentioned? Well, um... nobody nommed anyone worthy and actually there was only like 3 votes. And the most someone got was one vote for. So make something happen for February's Writer of the Month this time around! GO! GO! GO! ~~POWER RANGERS!~~ The same with Potatochopper of the Month, what up with that? Huh? Huh? TELL ME.

Y, who received 5 for votes won the NOTM for January of 2013. There was a tie for Uncyclopedian of the Month, the MoveCabal and Sir Peasewhizz both mustered up the minimum 5 for votes to hold co-ownership of the January 2013 Uncyclopedian of the Month award-title-thing. For the Useless Gobshite of the Month, Zombiebaron won with 6 for votes, being the only nominee. With 3 for votes, Bill Melater won the January 2013 Foolitzer Prize! Also being a single nominee in a category.

Well, congratulations to all winners of something, something! Keep on being aggressive, because a few categories have been already entered by users in a February 2013 campaign! And for the Year Awards, see you again in January 2014 and right here with the winners in February 2014. And also, voting records can be found right here and over here.

Cold War Update 2

By Meganew

Well, I didn't update this Sunday, but that's my fault. Anyways...

After a serious level of contention on VFS, a conclusion was reached, one that I personally feel was poorly made. Instead of allowing Wikia Uncyc to "reap what they sow," as the old proverb goes, ChiefjusticeDS felt he simply had to intervene. As such, he eliminated Aimsplode's nomination and permabanned him from the site.

Admittedly, I was in favor of aim becoming an admin, but not for the reasons everyone thinks. I'm of the opinion that you should suffer the full rewards or consequences of your choices. With the populace having voted for Aimsplode, despite Chief's attempt to eliminate his nomination twice before his permanent termination of it, it's only fair that the Wikia site gets a Nazi as an admin. That's what they want, so that's what they'll get. It's like vandalism: Sure, you can vandalize Uncyclopedia all you want, but you'll suffer the consequences of that. In that case, a ban.

As someone who considers himself to have a more traditional view of things, I fully believe that ChiefjusticeDS had no reason to stick his nose in the business of the userspace. Were Aimsplode to have proven himself to be a good admin, he would've stayed. Were he to have been of poor quality, his employment would be terminated. Point is, either way, they would've got what they asked for.

Speaking of Aimsplode, he's been doing a good job of terminating all proof of his existence elsewhere on the internet. From Habbo to Deviantart, and even I can haz cheezburger, he has tried to terminate his existence from the web. Perhaps there is more to this pseudo-Nazi then any of us know...

Another update, another day. Keep checking back on your daily USP for the next update on the Uncyc Cold War.

Cheers!

Ask Zombiebaron

Do you watch children's cartoons anymore? (asked by Cat the Colourful @ 09:39, 31 January, 2013): Yeah, all the time. Right now I am watching the DCAU, currently I'm on the second season of Superman. Batman: The Animated Series is seriously awesome.

How much Zombiebaron could a Zombiebaron Zombiebaron if a Zombiebaron could Zombie Baron? (asked by Methamphetamine! @ 2013-01-27 18:55): A whole bunch.

Why am I such a faggot? (asked by Y at Jan 29 2013 00:38): Both of your parents are faggots.

I spilled cocaine on a math assignment that I handed in to my teacher, and now I'm afraid that she's addicted to giving out homework. What do I do? (asked by Colin "All your base" Heaney @ 10:07, Friday 01 February 2013): Buy more cocaine.

What is the meaning of life? (asked by Sir Peasewhizz @ 00:31, 31 January 2013): Life is meaningless. The only thing that is certain is that we will all one day die. Except some of us don't stay dead.

Ask Zombiebaron questions and maybe he will answer them!

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

20:16, February 4, 2013 Dawg (Talk | contribs) blocked 189.62.23.61 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎ (Inserting nonsense/gibberish into pages: Blanker/gibberish inserter.)

05:11, February 4, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Page blanking troll 2 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 years ‎ (You are undoubtedly the most pathetic vandal ever. See you in another 5 years???)

22:48, February 1, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 2.216.151.169 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (That thing you did... Don't do it again)

05:44, January 31, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) resurrected RAHB (Talk | contribs) (To be fair, I would have blown you but I didn't want my breath to smell like whiskey and old socks.)

05:14, January 31, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked RAHB (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (refsuing to giev me head transpaciifically)

05:14, January 31, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Ljlego (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (wlecome baxck and a heartty FFUUUUUUUUCK you (im really duruk btw))

Featured Article of the Week
The featured article of the week is: UnNews:Delicious New Zealand bird set for extinction by 2023

Select User of the Week
The select user of the week for this edition of USP is Frosty for coming up with a quite sexy idea to solve an issue with VFH. Give him some love! Yeah... that's nice.

Newsroom Random Article of the Week

UnNews:Walkers warned of "killer ticks"

Important Tip of the Week
When you are in France, assuming all the girls aren't wearing any underpants is rude. Dang flabbit, keep it to yourself!

Biopic of the Week
During this edition of the USP's Biopic of the Week, we will look at the chat with the one and only Kip the Dip, whose 6th Uncycloversary will be coming on the 13th.

USP: So, what's it feel like to to have been wasting your life for a total of six years? Did it go by fast, or was it like Xtreme Paint Drying Sports?

Kip: Xtreme Paint Drying is exactly how I would describe Uncyclopedia in a nutshell.

USP: And what part of these six long, hard years was the most fun? What about the worst? Was there a time where you just could have killed someone? Was there a time where you could have had an orgasm just because of something cool happening?

Kip: That Mr. Winkler controversy was pretty fun, because that's one of the major classic dramafests of which I actually got to take part. My worst time at Uncyclopedia was definitely my first year when I epitomized dipshitttery. Receiving serious infinibans from the likes of Famine, Hinoa and Zombiebaron was soul-crushing. My best time, however, would be when I finally won UotM. It felt like I had finally broke out of my shell and became a valued member of the community. The fact that it took place at Christmas time only enhanced it, as I shine brighter than the Rockefellar tree in December. Reflecting back, I wouldn't trade my experience at Uncyclopedia for anything. Except money, fame and love.

USP: What do you think made yourself an original standout/figure in the Uncyclopedian history?

Kip: Taking Uncyclopedia seriously while never taking myself seriously. Secondly, Bizzeebeever recently described me as the Dr. Frankenstein of in-jokes. I have a talent in taking the silly and low-brow to high places.

USP: What would your advice for the newcomers to arrive in the future be?

Kip: Don't fuck it up.

There you have it folks, Kip the Dip! And don't forget to congratulate him on his six long, hard years!

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I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 01:33, 7 February 2013

It is the day of USP love, Valentine’s Day[edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

83.54% more reliable than The Daily Mail

February 14th, 2013 • Issue 186 • Happy Valentine's Day, motherfucker.

Returning users and Grammar Nazis

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

Grammar Nazi insignia.

Recently, we have seen the return of many passionate members of the community, which have seen the return of Uncyc daylight upon arrival. Was that a run-on sentence? Idk... anywaaaays. So the point is, Ljlego has returned recently, and so has Dawg. I bring these two in particular because Ljlego and Dawg have revealed over the IRC hints that they wish to stay here, on the new site. Ljlego was looking to get an Uncyclopedia cloak, while Dawg just plain out said he was interested in staying. To sum it up, yay more returnees! Go Jesus! Oh yeah, and you can join the Proofreading Service. This is basically the Grammar nazi equivalent to the Poopsmith Lounge... only less dead and slightly more squeamish.

The old site wants us... sexually?!

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

Lol, no. Just kidding. But hasn't it come to most people's minds that maybe, possibly the Wikia's members are curious to what is going on in here (Bitches, alcohol, and partying) and might come sneak by? Well, first off Chief banned BB on the Wikia and set up a spam account here. BB found out that Chief was the account owner of the vandalizing account and banned both of them. Though Lyrithya unbanned Chief. W.O.W. Gay.

Keep your eyes open, boys. Or not, it's not like they mean harm. What do you take me for? Pulixer? lol no.

Great Hall of Shame Updating of '13

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

Happy Valentine's Day!

Okay, so most of you ungrateful bastards won't update your Hall of Shame entrees yourself. Well, did you even see that forum link? It even said "SIGN HERE FUCKERS". Yeah, that's right. Please, go update your Hall of Shame entrees and/or help me update those who don't update their HOS entrees. Man, that was pretty awkwardly worded. However, still. This task isn't easy. Much help is needed. USE THE EFFIN' FORCE, I KNOW THERE'S JEDIS WITHIN OUR RANKS!!

BUT SERIOUSLY.

Ask Zombiebaron
Sorry, he's not giving advice on Valentine's Day. We don't need little pregnant babies because ZB told you cut a hole in the condom for maximum results. He'll answer next issue and the ones after that. Or we'll kill him.

Ask Zombiebaron questions and maybe he will answer them!

Biopic of the Week
This week, for the Biopic of the Week we did a short 3 question interview with SG1 via IRC. Behold;

USP: What is your favorite article?

SG1: User:Supergeeky1

USP: When did you sign up?

SG1: 2009

USP: What was your favorite year here?

SG1: 2009

There you have it folks! Plus, SG1 refuses to confirm this interview was real, even though it was. She's so weird...

Check out these pages!

UPDATE YOUR HALL OF SHAME AND SIGN HERE, FUCKERS

HE'LL MISS ALL THE SAVINGS!

The Incompetent Writing Competition. Category entrees are here

Judges can sign up here. Like you want to do that

Read this. Why? Don't ask!!

This is highly illogic-epedia!

Grammar Nazi recruitment.

Would you like to go the nurse, Sir Peasewhizz?

Well, then. If it's considered "ignorable" than why not?

From our logs:

21:18, February 11, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) to an expiry time 6 minutes (I noticed you blocked me or 5 minutes, so I am doing you one better!)

21:17, February 11, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 minutes ‎ (I noticed you blocked me or 5 minutes, so I)

08:52, February 11, 2013 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 minutes ‎ (Demonstrating the use of the block form)

23:21, February 9, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked I think Zombiebaron loves dick in his butthole (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Gayer than Christmas: Not being Zombiebaron)

02:36, February 9, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 210.157.20.86 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Gayer than Christmas)

19:51, February 8, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 174.98.30.117 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (wut)

03:21, February 8, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 211.201.143.146 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (That thing you did was silly)

21:18, February 7, 2013 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) resurrected ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) (Ha ha ha funny.)

21:07, February 7, 2013 Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ ((Good luck, ChiefjusticeDS. I liked you too, but you're the one violating Rule 2, and while this block is essentially meaningless, let me just say... enjoy eternity. (DO NOT UNBLOCK))

20:54, February 7, 2013 Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for Brigate Marroncinostellate (Talk | contribs) to an expiry time infinite (Serious wanker. I know who you is.)

18:47, February 7, 2013 Dawg (Talk | contribs) blocked 174.138.213.95 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Inserting nonsense/gibberish into pages)

15:35, February 7, 2013 Hotadmin4u69 (Talk | contribs) blocked Brigate Marroncinostellate (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (Wanker)

01:18, February 7, 2013 TKF (Talk | contribs) blocked Wakkoswish123 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (yeah dont blank content)

Featured Article of the Week
The featured article of the week is: Amnesia: The Dark Descent

Select User of the Week
The select user of the week is a tie between Dawg and Ljlego. Both returnees have dedicated their lives ~~against will~~ to work for the best community out there, Uncyclopedia!

Newsroom Random Article of the Week

UnPoetia:Unexpected alphabet

Confucius says

He who put face in punch bowl get punch in nose.

In order make egg roll, push egg.

Man deaf on one side looking forward to happy new ear.

Man who reads women like book prefer braille

Man who smoke pot choke on handle.

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SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 01:31, 14 February 2013 (UTC)

Crikey! It’s a rare, wild UnSignpost![edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Just like Grandma used to make!

February 21st, 2013 • Issue 187 • Burn.

Cold War Update 3: Drama!

By Meganew

Well, this one's a bit late, but still important. Illogicopedia has considered moving their hosting over to the Free Uncyc servers, netting a nifty anti-Wikia deal. As well, a series of "hate bans" occurred recently, involving ChiefjusticeDS banning people on the Wikia site, and a sockpuppet of his being banned on this site.

More info will be available when I find out.

Cheers!

Robot invasion

By Dawg

Slender! What are you doing? Slender! STAHP!

It has come to the attention of this fine news source that Uncyclopedia is being overrun by robots, displacing tens of writers on a daily basis. After we realized they might be useful (in spite of lacking a sense of humour and soul), we captured and trained a couple of them to deliver the UnSignpost for us. To appease these ravenous automatons, we were forced to switch to categories from our archaic signup list. You may have noticed a new template on your page, which should be placed on the page you wish to have your UnSignpost delivered, where it will be dropped at the bottom (as always). Please refrain from petting the robots, as they may bite (we're working on that with them).

One of these 'bots (as we call them) was easier to train and has assisted us in huffing literally hundreds of old (pre-2011) User: and User_talk: pages for anonymous IPs. They're now working deep in the bowels of the site removing crap categories and fixing broken stuff.

The one attached to Dawg has the painfully unfunny name of DawgBot, and the one attached to Sir Peasewhizz is suspiciously not a bot at all. He's the... the... OH GOD NO. HE'S THE SLENDERMAN. AHHHHH!!!

DEATH TO BRONIES IS AT HAND? OR IS IT THE DEATH OF THE INTERNET???

By Mr-ex777, buster of gheys

Will this message be the discovery of the century????

Well, I was cracking codes in wingdings this day and I found the message at the right when I typed "MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC" In ALL CAPS in wingdings. This magnificent message, according to our codecrackers, might mean that the death of the Internet is caused by bronies. This message starts with a bomb and a Jew star, in which the bomb represents October 10, 2010 while the Jew star represents the money-makers of Hasbro. Then it is followed by a sadface, a palm, 2 snowflakes, another sadface, and a finger pointing left. This might mean that 2010 is the winter and sorrow of all franchises, caused by cooperate corruption and...bronies. Both can be read as: "In the day of the bomb, all franchises will be corrupted". The third sentence is pointed flag, flag, skull, Jew star and computer, which might represent the death and conquest of the internet. The fourth sentence is a finger pointing right, a sun, a finger pointing left, a skull, a thumbs down finger, a water drip, a palm, and a pointed flag. This possibly represents that a dawn of death will rise, all the straight men will fight, and finally the dawn of death will make them bleed. The fifth sentence is palm, water drip, bomb, two fingers, one finger, palm and thumbs up. This might represent that we are currently on a countdown to demise. HOW TERRIBLE IS THAT?????? Fortunately, there is good news. The good news is that the same might be used against the bronies, and if this happens it might read as: The bomb had set by the Jews and franchises are corrupted. But now, we will conquer over the terror. they might fight the dawn but they will bleed. The bronies are on the countdown to demise.

This is a two sided prophecy. nevertheless, The war against faggotry will eventually prevail.

Aleister snags the Hall of Shame lead with 67 features!

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

This is Aleister's stoner monkey.

As of February 19th of 2013, Aleister (formerly Aleister in Chains) leads the Hall of Shame with 67 features. Which article robbed Soggy's and Aleister's tie at 66 features? None other than probably the most boring material to work with, but it happened; UnBooks Biography:The guy who invented soap! Go read it! And also, you must go read the rest Aleister's features. Or else. You can access them here. Remember, we're watching!

Ask Zombiebaron

Dear, Zombiebaron, please explain the 2nd law of thermodynamics in six words or less. (asked by RAHB): Hot stuff is thermodynamic, that's it.

Zombiebaron, mares eat oats, and does eat oats, and little lambs eat ivy. A kid'll eat ivy too, wouldn't you? (asked by Aleister): Yeah probably, if I was really hungry and there was no real food.

What is the meaning of undeath? (asked by Socky): Nothing means anything. Everything just is. There is no meaning of undeath.

Zombie, what is your favorite weight-loss diet? (asked by Simsilikesims): Life is short, eat whatever you want. Don't change your diet to conform to society's outrageous standards of outward beauty.

Hypothetically speaking, say you and I were to suddenly decide one day to sail the Mediterranean Sea in search of various treasures, and hypothetically, we crash our boat on a deserted island. Now... hypothetically, we try to signal for a rescue for any planes passing by, but hypothetically, that proves uneventful, seeing as this island is buried under massive amounts of fog. However, we are able to setup a hypothetical shanty campsite using nothing but bamboo and wood we've collected from fallen trees, and eventually (but hypothetically), we're even able to create a water purification system after our supply of bottled water runs out. But one day, while attempting to catch fish, we discover this hypothetically deserted island is not deserted at all. In fact, it happens to be populated by a completely hypothetical tribe of cannibals who are fresh on our trail. Hypothetically, we must build a raft and escape the island. After two weeks of evading the cannibals, we finally manage to build this raft and we set sail once again. Hypothetically speaking, of course. Sadly, we only manage to make it less than a mile from the island before a giant hypothetical wave forces us to crash and endure the cold, murky waters. Hypothetically, we're able to swim back to the shore but because of the time we spent in the water, I've contracted a hypothetical case of pneumonia. What's worse is that we've hypothetically used all of our Kleenex supplies in our old water purification system, meaning I'm left with a very runny nose and no hypothetical way of treating it. My question is, will you let me blow my nose in your butt cheeks? (asked by Supergeeky1): Sure why not.

Ask Zombiebaron questions and maybe he will answer them!

Check out these pages!

Top 10 2012 Featuring Dates VOTING - Either first 10 days of March or first 10 days of April.
Yes it does, Pease, yes it does.
This isn't funny! - It is to me! AHA!
HMC2013? What is that sorcery?
Let's play a game - IN BED!

From our logs:

10:02, February 20, 2013 Hotadmin4u69 (Talk | contribs) blocked Sir Peasewhizz (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 69 seconds ‎ (Put this in your USP and smoke it.)

00:27, February 18, 2013 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Kip the Dip (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 40 minutes ‎ (Well, since you asked.)

13:17, February 17, 2013 Hotadmin4u69 (Talk | contribs) resurrected Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) (')

03:20, February 17, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (You hath been fought. You lose!)

Featured Article of the Week
The featured article of the week is: Saw

Newsroom Random Article of the Week

Secret Moon Base

IRC Log of the Week
[12:57] Mr-ex777 HERO: faggotry is the biggest sin.
[12:57] HERO no
[12:57] HERO its one of them
[12:57] Mr-ex777 HERO: of the internet
[12:57] HERO you damn skippy
[12:58] HERO turns into a black cat and jumps on Mr-ex777's head. Looks down in his face."Meow?"
[13:00] HERO Stays on Mr-ex777's head. Just sits there.
[13:02] Mr-ex777 HERO: Jews did wtc? nope, YOU did WTC
[13:02] HERO ?
[13:02] Mr-ex777 they just mistook you as jew

Select User of the Week
The select user of the week is again, Dawg for lots of hard effort in deleting outdated pages!

Confucius says

If you wiggle your pinky up and down inside your ear, it sound like pacman.

Rock and roll make good half breakfast.

Girl named Paige Turner love to read.

Dieting is wishful shrinking.

Sexy typist will bang on keyboard.

Biopic of the Week
This week we spoke with RAHB over the IRC. We did a Q&A of 3 questions.

USP: First question. If you had to fuck a Muppet, which Muppet would you fuck and why?

RAHB: Lola because I bet she could turn me inside out with those lips. Wait. Is her name Lola? The one with big lips and no eyes? Janice. That’s the one. Yes, Janice.

USP: Second question. If you could kill any musician, which musician would you kill?

RAHB: If I could kill any musician I would kill the first musician ever, just to see if it would have any effect on the development of music beyond that.

Like, if I went back in time and killed Ugg before he found out he could make a percussive sound out of two rocks, would today's contemporary music be entirely recorded in reverse? Who knows?!

USP: Third question. Do you come here often, baby?

Only when I get a tip that there's some good zombie dick hanging around.

And there you have it, folks! RAHB!

Nothing is happening here at all. So stop looking. Wait, look at this picture!

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 00:33, 21 February 2013 (UTC)

Surprise, Motherfucker, USP[edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper that won't leave you the same way they did!

February 28th, 2013 • Issue 188 • When life gives you lemons, sue for damages.

A Note to Our Readers on Accuracy

By The Editor

Sir Peasewhizz's mother. An example of accuracy and truth-in-advertising.

We Here At The UnSignpost™ bear a strong commitment to accuracy—in fact, the UnSignpost is required by law to print at least one truthful statement per issue in order to retain our status as a tax-exempt organic fish-cannery.^[1] We believe that our track record speaks for itself: in our nearly 45 months of existence, the USP has printed only 243 retractions, a full 20% of which were not ordered by a court.

It was with some consternation, therefore, that we discovered a massive error in our reporting. In recent weeks, former USP editor and general mensch ChiefjusticeDS was repeatedly identified by the UnSignpost as being a "putrid puddle of poodle puke", and also as having been "perm-banned" for vandalizing the new Uncyclopedia with sockpuppet accounts. While the first statement remains an object of controversy, the second one could not be further from the truth. ChiefjusticeDS is one of the least-likely vandals in the history of Uncyclopedia; furthermore, our research indicates that he is not actually aware of the new Uncyclopedia, and while his lawyers apparently are, he is currently blithely executing his sysop duties on the old site, much as a mother elephant seal mournfully attends the corpse of her crushed pup.

We would like to take this opportunity to apologize profusely for any inconveniences this erroneous reporting has caused anyone. While we have traced the original mistake to confusion on the part of our correspondents (who are possessed of more eagerness than brains), the final blame must lie at the feet of our fact-checking department; we intend to take them thoroughly to task for their laziness and inattention, just as soon as we figure out how to fire people who don't exist.

On a related note, we would like to issue the following corrections and clarifications:

On page 43 of last week's Lifestyle section, an article titled "Fun snacks for kids" erroneously identified nitroglycerin as a "delicious pudding substitute". According to the American Society of Nutritionists, nitroglycerin is unsuitable for children's meals, as it contains dangerous levels of saturated fat.
The last name of U.S. House of Representatives Speaker John Boehner does not rhyme with "butt-pipe", as was reported in last week's Capitol Review section.
The full-page infographic in last week's Health News section erroneously read "a teaspoonful of honey makes the medicine go down, makes the medicine go down, makes the medicine go down". A copy-editor accidentally substituted the words "honey" for "semen" and "medicine" for "prostitute". We apologize for the inconvenience.
Libel and copyright lawyers are not composed entirely of "snot". Any statements to the contrary (including emails and anonymous missives tied to bricks) should be construed as merely opinion.

↑ This is a lie.

Upcoming PLS

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

So, even if it has felt like a long past couple of weeks, bring your spirits up! We can help, because there is the PLS coming up soon. So yeah, I know this is short. But it's longer than you. HA! HA! HA!

No, but seriously. Consider doing the Poo Lit Surprise or ELSE.

Ask Zombiebaron

Dear Zombiebaron, how do I get girls to have sex with me? (asked by Colin "All your base" Heaney): Very carefully.

Dear Zombiebaron, how would you describe the live-action Avatar: The Last Airbender movie 5 words or less? (asked by Sir Peasewhizz): I have never seen that.

Zombiebaron, do you sell propane and propane accessories? (asked by TheKoromoAmae): No.

Do you believe in demons? (asked by Lyrithya): I believe that we can neither prove nor disprove conclusively the existence of demons. It seems likely, however, that demons are merely characters invented by the human mind as a personification of our own evil desires and impulses, as a story to scare children, and as a sexual fantasy for octogenarians.

I'm sick of you! I'm gonna get you, Zombiebaron. I'm gonna get you! How do you like those particular apples? (asked by Roman Dog Bird): You still owe me $20 and I told you last time that half an apple is not real money.

Ask Zombiebaron questions and maybe he will answer them!

Check out these pages!

In the UnNews!

Indeed, Quvenzhané Wallis is a cunt - February 26th
Seth MacFarlane awarded honorary membership to the KKK - February 25th
Relief as stolen Banksy returned - February 24th
Dangerous new teen trend: energy drinks - February 23rd
Sony fears that the Playstation 4 will disappoint - February 21st
College student sues self for plagiarism - February 21st
Uncyclopedia huffs Britney Spears' grocery list - February 19th

From our logs:

21:13, February 25, 2013 Legoktm (Talk | contribs) blocked Miwa (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Just stop.)

11:13, February 24, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Neo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (You are dumb)

05:36, February 24, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 186.5.116.114 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (u have aids)

20:27, February 21, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) resurrected Kelton2 (Talk | contribs) (Repented for his sins. Is also getting me hot.)

Biopic of the Week: Strainj1
The Biopic of the Week is usually written by a USP correspondent, but the interview with this week's subject yielded a paragraph so excellent that we couldn't possibly do better. Although we could certainly do worse. Strainj1 is one of our "newer" users (we think, although he has probably been here since 2009—we can't be bothered to check). In his own words:

“

I'm from Gympie, which is quite clearly the center of the universe. My real name is Nils, which to be honest a quick Google search with that fact and my username would probably lead FAR too easily to my full identity. My surname is VERY Asian sounding, even though my entire genealogy is Northern Europe (Danish and Dutch mainly) - feel free to say as much about vikings as you like, because I'm totally like one. As far as dependents go, I own a small dog, and an awesome purple party house, complete with and a discoball and laser lights controlled by a party switch. My parents' immigration status is all good - however my dad did just marry a Ugandan woman, and my sister is a statistical mathematician in Switzerland. But that's all legit yeah? I meanwhile coast through life in a full time job that is more varied than the colours on the walls in my ridiculously multicoloured toilet. I'd also like to state that every statement in this paragraph is NOT a lie.

”

Confucius Say

Unborn twins are womb-mates
Installing fan can be a breeze
Heck is where those go who don't believe in Gosh.
Couple who sleep in water bed start to drift apart.
When man go to court, he put his fate into hands of people not smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Featured Article of the Week

Charlie Brown

Newsroom Random Article of the Week

Proof

IRC Quote of the Week

<SirPeasewhizz> I have gay ass lice

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 03:48, 28 February 2013 (UTC)

I thought I heard the Imperial March. USP time, everybody![edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Self-Proclaimed Greatest Periodical Of All Time!

March 7th, 2013 • Issue 189 • You may now start the sad music.

TKF has taken his leave

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

This is the great TKF.

“

lol tkf is gay
— The Zombiebaron

”

If you haven't heard the sad, sad news; TKF (formerly Thekillerfroggy) has announced his departure from Uncyclopedia as an Uncyclopedian, Admin, Bureaucrat, Legend, and Hero in the afternoon of March 2nd. With it, his reason; not enough writers who enjoy it for the fun and enjoy others work as well as he doesn't want to write anymore nor does he need to. He feels this has taken him from a shitty high-school writer to something he had gained confidence in.

Of course, he wishes us good luck and knows we'll boom with excellence in the future.

He would like to thank MadMax, Zombiebaron, The Thinker, Ljlego, So So, Dr. Skullthumper, Mhaille, The Woodburninator, TheLedBalloon, Cajek, Procopius, Mordillo, One Eyed Jack, Heerenveen, Bonner, Hyperbole, THEDUDEMAN, and Modusoperandi. He states Uncyclopedia and his own writing wouldn't have existed if it weren't for these users.

He also has to admit his respect for Lyrithya, Frosty, Bizzeebeever, and Xamralco for leading the new guard.

He wishes for Leverage to continue writing because he's good at it. He states "Humbucker, we barely knew ye."

He left this for Sir Peasewhizz:

"Peasewhizz, sorry man, you've got the energy and passion but you've got a long way to go to develop your talent and rein in your hyperactive aspects. You do remind me of myself from 2006, which is to say you've got a little bit of something goin on here but it needs to be toned down a LOT. Writing-wise, you need an editor. You would benefit the most from pee review coming back. Which gives me an idea: how about instead of Pee Review, we just have writing partners or something? I dunno. But back to the point: focus less on all of the bullshit "community" stuff, stop nominating your own articles, and go back and edit all of your older things. Become embarrassed by what you wrote 3 months ago, I still do with my own articles. Read them out loud. Get better before you get bigger."

This is also his heart.

He also states he will NEVER FINISH 18TH CENTURY BIIIIIIIIITCH!

But Frosty thinks he will return, as he states (and believes) "Once an Uncyclopedian, always Uncyclopedian".

February 2013 Award Winners... also, YOU'RE DICKS!

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

As a wise man once said, (yesterday) "Whatintheworldofgaysex?! It's already March?" To answer that question, well, yes. You see, FEBRUARY 2013 HAS DIED. So... I guess we shall show you all the award winners of the month of February this year.

We only had two categories with ~~cheaters~~ winners this month. What are these ones, well goddamn it let me finish! They were Uncyclopedian of the Month and n00b of the Moment.

Want a plate? It is a trophy, made out of pure plate. You can eat cookies on it.

The noob of February 2013 was none other than Hoof Hearted. With a score of 5 obtained, this user has passed the ultimate liftout course and went on to claiming this sexy title. Still up there, ready to take March by the balls, is ProfessorScience. Hoof Hearted, however, has left ProfessorScience a strong against vote stating that the humor ProfessorScience gives out was hard to find funny. Sorry, but THAT WAS MEAN. I mean, such n00Bz voted against more than once in this month's Noob of the Moment contest.

And guess who was the UOTM? DUH! None other than MadMax, whom we all knew would win. However, we boggled and offended that this guy only won once before claiming this month's UOTM title. Wow. Not cool, bros. But hey, does his 2007 Uncyclopedian of the Year title override this? Well, fuck, now I'm trying to figure that out. Thanks for putting my head into a crisis-like state. I love you for this.

Ask Zombiebaron

Why does How It's Made give me a boner? (asked by RAHB): I think the real question is how could the perfect combination of Lynne Adams's terrible monotone narration and the shine of mechanically precise cold polished steel not give you a boner. How It's Made is basically porn.

How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man? (asked by Colin "All your base" Heaney): If he's already a man why should he care what I call him.

hOW COME WE NEVER SE EZOMBIES POOP IN ZMOBIE MOVIES?!?!!1 THEY EAT STUF FALL THE TIME BUT WE NEVER SEE THEM POOP! (asked by Bizzeebeever): Because movies aren't real life.

Dear Mr. Z, does life start at conception, or when the child takes its first walkabout? (asked by Aleister): In the fourth dimension life has no beginning and no end.

Why won't my porn download? (asked by WeinribŽivojinović): Just stream it.

Ask Zombiebaron questions and maybe he will answer them!

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

22:31, March 4, 2013 Legoktm (Talk | contribs) blocked Legoktm RICCHIONE secondo noi perché ha cacato il cazzo è un vero stronziuti e noi diciamo la verità (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (lol)

20:45, March 4, 2013 Legoktm (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for 115.25.216.6 (Talk | contribs) to an expiry time 2 years (You are editing on a gay proxy. As such you are banned, sucks don't it? Spam, eh? More like WHAM, amirite?)

20:04, February 28, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) resurrected Mike the Great (Talk | contribs) (lol naw I suck cocks)

20:03, February 28, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Mike the Great (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (Needs to be unblocked as part of the test. I still don't see any malted milk balls.)

19:49, February 28, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Mike the Great (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 10 minutes ‎ (Is conducting some sort of test. Personally, I hope it involves malted milk bals.)

00:30, February 27, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 212.59.28.95 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 year ‎ (Block, just a block: Hello and bye (don't come back pls))

IRC Log
<derpyy> I'LL CUM TOO MUCH AND DIE!
<UncycBot> <derpyy> I am very happy for you.
<derpyy> This damn pussy of yours is also just a pussy! <UncycBot> <derpyy> Oh now I see.
<derpyy> FULL THROTTLE EROTICA!
<UncycBot> <derpyy> That remark was either too complex or too simple for me. We were talking about dicks car.
<Frostee> derpyy is gay like UncycBot
<UncycBot> <Frostee> I think derpyy is a lot of things.
<derpyy> My vagina hungers!
<UncycBot> <derpyy> Where did you get your vagina hungers?
<derpyy> THE LIPS OF MY WOMB ARE CONGESTED WITH BLOOD AND SUCKLING ON THE TIP OF HIS DICK LIKE A BABY BEING PAMPERED! <3

Biopic: In Their Own Words
This week, we are debuting the UnSignpost's "Biopic: In Their Own Words", which is to say, we are so incredibly lazy that we can't even make up our own bullshit anymore. In fact, we are so lazy that we debuted this feature several weeks ago, but were too lazy to announce it until now.

This week, we are profiling lazy IRC lurker and occasional editor Colin "All your base" Heaney:

“

I'm originally from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The first article that comes to mind as a favorite is Inebriated's The fact that you don't want a poodle. I'm 18 years old, I turn 19 on April 2nd. Politically I veer left like I'm driving drunk. If hip-hop and rap music were classes in high school I would be valedictorian. I sometimes do drugs. My favorite book is Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Arrested Development and Firefly are the best shows ever. On the site I don't do a hell of a lot besides write articles about 9/11 and related topics. I've goatse'd the main page not once, but twice.

”

So There You Have It! Colin is a terrific guy who enjoys urban music, weed, and timeless Internet memes. (For future reference, Colin, we're in ur base, killin all ur doods.)

Confucius say

Business can mean bad or good. When it is none of your business it cannot be either
AIDS do not help body
First crush feel heavy, second crush feel heavier
Math class is full of drama. There are so many problems to work out
A group called Balloons sings pop music

Random Article of the Week

This week, we shall have five random articles BECAUSE WE CAN! Mmhhhmm. Son.

Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 20:34, 7 March 2013 (UTC)

Can I have some salad with my UnSignpost?[edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Because if the rumors don't spread at the salon, we must spread them in the news.

March 14th, 2013 • Issue 190 • It's a "sa-lad".

Salad.

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

SALAD

I like salad, you like salad, we all like salad.

No, seriously. Salad.

By RAHB

Yes, salad. It has come to my attention that Uncyclopedians are simply not consuming enough of it. Ladies and gentlemen, we here at the Unsignpost implore of you, we beg you, to eat more salad. Why should you eat more salad? Well you only need to look at the facts to find the answer:

Salad is delicious when garnished with a honey-baked ham.
Salad is the number one cause of anti-cancer in America, having been documented in over six million cases.
Salad is an excellent nutritional source of salad.
Salad fought in World War II so you didn't have to.
Salad invented Uncyclopedia.

But clearly, this is not all that salad is capable of. Clearly a great cosmic injustice is being done by not mentioning salad's tremendous influence on the Russian space program, 80% of whose members consume salad on a regular basis, some more than once a day. But that's not all. Several tremendously influential figures in scientific history, including Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, Carl Sagan, and Billy Mays, have admitted to having consumed salad at least once in their lifetime, sometimes even while doing important scientific things! Sexy sweet Mary, it's true!

This is not a picture of salad.

In fact, most major celebrities (the attractive ones, you know) are regular salad masticators. Lady Gaga, for example, may be best known for wearing a meat suit, but she is also well-known for eating salad. If by "well-known", you mean "she does it and nobody makes much of a fuss." Same goes for the salad eating.

Salad is known to have cured countless diseases, voted tremendously in favor of liberal politics, saved at least three dolphin from inconveniently placed tar deposits, fixed a plethora of flat tires on the side of United States interstate highways, eliminated the existence of internet memes, punched Adolf Hitler in the face, gone toe-to-toe with John Wayne in a cage match, and given a lustrous sheen to the coats of some of the world's prettiest felines.

In conclusion, salad is a super kool dood, and you should all totally eat him. With dressing if you prefer. Or with croutons, tomatoes, cabbage, olives, pickles, black pepper, onions, imitation crab meat, bacon bits, hard-boiled egg slices, ham, salt, vinegar, jalapenos, bell peppers, sweet peppers, pickle relish, anaheim peppers, bhut jolokia peppers, serrano peppers, crumbled cheese, raisins, avocado, apple slices, blueberries, cottage cheese, shrimp, basil, melon slices, meatballs, turkey gravy, chicken gravy, beef gravy, bacon grease, grease gravy, gravy grease, Bavarian cream, chocolate ice cream, M&Ms, a t-bone steak, bicycle spokes, flapjacks, fried eel, a pair of half-torn tennis shoes, matches, poisonous jellyfish, mushrooms, pimento, a piston engine, a choir boy, whale bones, grocery store food samples, grocery store samples stolen out of the freezer section, grocery store employees, psychedelic pop records, dinosaur fossils, ancient manuscripts, sweet potatoes, Iranian snails, Ukrainian birds, Welsh humans, beets, Saturday morning cartoons, elves, cayenne pepper, salt, mangoes, studio musicians, grapes, whiskey, grated cheese, sliced cheese, a cow, Hormel chili, the tiny oval tomatoes that always roll off the plate or launch away when you try to fork them, potatoes, all of Uncyclopedia, a British nanny, or lettuce. But nothing else.

Ask Zombiebaron

Is salad a heavy metal? (asked by RAHB): Salad is the heavy metal. All other heavy metals are ranked on the hS (How Salad) scale.

Salad salad salad, salad, Salad salad salad salad. Salad salad (salad salad, salad) salad! Salad: salad? (salad salad Salad): Salad!

If you had to fuck one salad which salad would you fuck and why? (asked by Zombiebaron): I would fuck the caesar salad at the all-you-can-eat buffet near my parent's house. Best salad I have ever eaten.

My wife wants to toss my salad but I am afraid of lettuce. What should we do? (asked by Zombiebaron): Sometimes when I make a salad I use pickles instead of lettuce.

If you could give one piece of advice to a young amateur trying to break into the world of professional salad craftsmanship, what would that be? (asked by Zombiebaron): Salads come in all shapes and forms. Be original, make a salad that represents you.

Ask Zombiebaron questions and maybe he will salad them!

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

22:57, March 9, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Eat my barf and piss frosty u'r a load of crap die eating vomit dirty idiot (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (hawhawhaw)

22:54, March 9, 2013 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) resurrected Eat my barf and piss frosty u'r a load of crap die eating vomit dirty idiot (Talk | contribs) (I actually thought this guy had potential! Give the man a chance dammit!)

22:51, March 9, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bugger off you frosty with an ice pop in your ass (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (I can do this all day if you wish)

22:49, March 9, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Eat my barf and piss frosty u'r a load of crap die eating vomit dirty idiot (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Fuck off)

00:40, March 9, 2013 Legoktm (Talk | contribs) blocked Lego-KLM (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Unacceptable username: Spelled incorrectly.)

22:52, March 8, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Pablo Manitoba (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Please donate to Uncyclopedia!)

07:31, March 8, 2013 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 112.111.160.35 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (piss off)

Yes, folks! Mordillo's back! ZOMG!

IRC Log Of The Century
<ghostninja> my eyes then gaze upon Olipro's dual-genitalia
<ghostninja> i quickly get wet again
<Hotadmin4u69> understandable

A picture of someone who we assume greatly resembles Multiliteralist.

Biopic: In Their Own Words
Multiliteralist here looks like spongy potluck in potluck in the field in homo? Are you wonder how tomatoes ghost it up? AHEM He has also worked tirelessly toward reviving both UnNews and the art of surrealism since his recent return to Uncyclopedia, which makes us just positively horny inside. Just think of all the olives! We interviewed the legendary taxidermist this week in order to find out what makes him tick.^[1] He had the following to say:

I'm a rugged Caucasian male from the Caucasus mountains. Everyone secretly wants to get laid by me. My personal philosophy is this is OK. My purpose at Uncyclopedia is to leave and come back again after a cooling-off period, again and again. Crimean war fucking sucked.

This is particularly enlightening in the case of AHEM the modern anti-vice table in front of abortions yet closing remarks about remarks are they became:

Closing remarks are for pussies.

Fleasy. Get a pies.

↑ As it turns out, the source happened to be a small wall clock that inexplicably follows him around, hovering in the air, everywhere he goes. Scientists are debating what this means to the future of space travel.

~~Confucius~~ derpyy say

Confucius say that would say hello FreeDOS could
Confucius say about Jesus I sure say Nascar
Confucius say blacks say "let's Save me"
Confucius say me. big say that other internet
Confucius say it as well yeah say about Area on
Confucius say say about
Confucius say that could simply say taht has a
Confucius say about the whole say whos all of the

Random Article of the Week

Salad

Feature of the Week

BladeRunnerway Bride

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 11:40, 14 March 2013 (UTC)

OMG HIIII-EEE[edit source]

!!! Hiiii SIR Peasewhizz de NY Biblio HOS Awards 21:42 3.14.13

Hiya, Sir! And a Nillion thanks for the nom. Stay cool! Cheers!--Funny bony

14:06, Mar 16

No problem. You too. SIR Peasewhizz de NY Biblio HOS Awards 17:38 3.16.13

Hey! Would you like to do a collaboration?[edit source]

I don't know if you what it is, but I think you might. Wanna do a collab on the Battle of Red Cliff? SIR Peasewhizz de NY Biblio HOS Awards 18:18 3.16.13

Happy Monkey[edit source]

Are yoy going to signer uppper to the happy monkey contest? It's a great way to get lots of good articles up and running. See the banner thing up above, over the page, for a sign up link. It's a fun play thing. And yay for Nillion! Al some time today, 18-3-'13

Jordan Maxwell, Jordan Maxwell, Jordan Maxwell, Jordan Maxwell!!!! ... Bill Cooper ... WTF? Mr N

19:46. Mar 18. 2013

I know you don't do competitions...but seeing as you rip out articles in mere minutes and are very original and creative...you're a natural for the competition. You can write it as unneeded or in any space you like. --ShabiDOO 00:32, 20 March 2013 (UTC)

People like the UnSignpost because it’s hot! It has the best graphics and everything. Marcus, USP! Step yo’ game up![edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Not Secretly Controlled By Mordillo, We Swear!

March 21st, 2013 • Issue 191 • Marcus. USP. Step yo' game up!

More ~~cabal~~

By Y

If you haven't heard, the "lovely" and "beautiful" Jew / ~~Cabal runner~~ named Mordillo, who left in 2011, has decided to return. It's not official yet, he's just made a couple of edits, but WHO GIVES A DAMN. Let's just say he's back. We will now have our (nonexistent) cabal back with our favourite Jewish Uncyclopedian, ~~kakun~~ Mordillo. Let's give him a big round of applause. And remember kids, there is no cabal.

Bringing back the Old School FA

By Sir Peasewhizz

This is a picture. My little brother did it. He hates you. With love.

Yes, we're doing it. We're doing it. We're doing it, if you know what we mean. And not only is it great that we're bringing it back since the 99th issue of the UnSignpost (8 issues from 100th anniversary of the section departure), but it makes it extra special that it's Why?:Your cat died making it on the big screen for its return! This, we swear, was not an incident of Sir Peasewhizz^[1] taking advantage of his abilities during the construction of the USP this week. And we're totally not promoting propaganda. Sillies.

One of the ten (to make your chances of guessing correctly less) following articles will be the Old School FA of the Week in next week's issue, can you guess it? Probably not, but we'll let you take a crack at it anyway: Commercial, A Man Getting Hit in the Crotch 800 Times, Sideboob, Kwanzaa, Romance of the Three Kingdoms, Riddle, Fox News, Red Lobster, Stratego, or Snow angels. You have a 1/10 chance to get this correct. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Peace <3.

↑ Wow, self-reference much?

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

By Y

If you haven't already heard (which you probably have), RAHB started a vote to give bureaucrat rights to MadMax, the awesome admin. In a 14–0 vote, Dawg gave him the rights on the 16th. Now, this obviously raised the age old question - what is MadMax's use of this user right?

Ask Zombiebaron

I've got $12 and I'm looking to party (asked by Colin "All your base" Heaney): At the LCBO they sell a 12oz bottle ("mickey") of this stuff called Alpenbitter for $19.55. It is 40% and tastes like strange candy.

Is Zombiebaron related to Che Guevara? (asked by Joe9320): I am over 300 years old. So, uh, no I am not related to Che Guevara. But if I was it would totally look exactly like this classic featured image.

Zombie, you being an internet celebrity and all; have you ever given an autograph to anyone's boobs? (asked by Cat the Colourful): Not yet. It is definitely a goal of mine though.

Zombiebaron, how old were you when you first molested your priest? (asked by Hotadmin4u69): Old enough.

Ooo, baby, won't ya give me your love tonight? (asked by RAHB): Yeah man! If by "love" you mean "make dick jokes on IRC", and by "tonight" you mean "every night".

Ask Zombiebaron questions and maybe he will answer them!
NEXT WEEK! A SPECIAL BONER EDITION!

Confucius say

Good to meet girl at park, but better to park meat in girl
Couple who engage in battle have a "war"nderful wed-dying
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time
Man who raises angry chickens eats raging cock for dinner
Man who have sex in psych ward... fucking crazy!
Man who go to Vatican to visit pope... Vatican't

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

13:33, March 14, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) resurrected Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) (ERROR: USER IS TOO SEXY TO BE BANNED)

13:31, March 14, 2013 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (I'm not a noob, I'm simply not Zombiebaron. *Hail! Hail*)

06:33, March 14, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 193.44.1.86 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (Wankstain)

01:47, March 14, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 71.200.243.166 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (fuck off and dont ever return ty)

21:55, March 13, 2013 Legoktm (Talk | contribs) blocked Zombiemoron (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Not being Zombiebaron)

IRC Log Of The Week
<Kippy> You know chaos theory and/or the Butterfly Effect? What if it could cause ripples through the spacetime continuum? Like, say, I farted while peeing and retroactively caused the Holocaust.
<Strainj1> hahaha
<Strainj1> it probably did
<Kippy> :O
<Kippy> A sandwich caused one of the World Wars, so I'm not ruling it out.
<Strainj1> probably a pastrami and cucumber sandwich
<Strainj1> they're evil

Biopic: In Their Own Words

SKIZZERZ IN ACTION.

Skizzerz takes the seat in the the one and only Biopic of the Week, only available on demand! Well, before we start, you need to know that Skizzerz's natural habitat is on the IRC and lurks within the darkness! So, that'll be a reason you don't know who he is if you are stupid and are one of those who don't! Here's what Skizzerz had to tell the press:

Uh, well I'm a college student who likes computers, wikis, video games, and girls. Over the years I've been mostly hanging out on Uncyc's IRC chan and not really editing much (read: I only edit when Zombiebaron tells me to). My favorite article is probably the one where it tells you not to click any links, and my favorite year would probably be 2013 because we (finally) left Wikia.

And this was his closing remark:

Don't expect me to be any more active because of this, I have the title of "resident lurker" to uphold after all! :P

And there you have it! Skizzerz!

Old School Featured Article of the Week

Why?:Your cat died

Originally featured on 13 December 2012

Rick, this is a bad time. A very, very, very bad time. I'm so sorry. But, hey! Listen. You can't be mad at me. You shan't be mad at me! Even though you hired me to babysit your cat, it was not my fault! Now the reason why Mr. Snickermuffins died is not one that could be easily taken for truth. But, in this case, it was what happened. I swear! What are you doing Rick? Stop searching for evidence and knifes! DAMMIT RICK! RICK! I can explain! Just stop panicking, Rick! God dammit! Rick. Listen. (Full article...)

Random Article of the Week

Elizabeth Weir

Feature of the Week

Nillion

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 02:25, 21 March 2013 (UTC)

UnSignpost’s BONER TIME![edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Openly Admits Its Liberal And Conservative Biases!

March 28th, 2013 • Issue 192 • The USP that'll make good penis jokes!

News From Under The Cabal's Desk

By Hotadmin4u69

UnNews has its own Facebook page now and the podcast that Zimulator used to run has been relaunched here. We already have 45 subscribers!

Happy Monkey Competition 2013

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

HMC 2013 for the win!

On March 20th, we started the 2013 Happy Monkey Competition/Happy Monkey Competition 2013 and had 13 users sign up to participate in the competing bit. The 13 competitors were Aleister, Puppy, Acmed2, Zombiebaron, Kelton2, Leverage, Sir Peasewhizz, Scofield, RAHB, Cat the Colourful, Madclaw, IFYMB!, and MrN9000. Leverage, Kelton2, Madclaw, and Puppy never wrote anything. Maybe they were sleeping? Do people do that for 36 hours straight? I believe so.

People scoring 70 out of 100 points (passing GPA :D) were Aleister (with Second conquest of the moon as her topic), Sir Peasewhizz (with Ding dong ditching houses as his topic, but later changed it to an UnBooks), IFYMB! (with his UnReview of the Crimean War) and Zombiebaron with his book about meeting his enemy on that one day. He scored 97 out of 100 points, which is quite considerably erotic.

So, for once, we ask you! What did you think? Did you love it? Did you love the HMC this year? You better have, or we'd be sad.

Thanks
Shabidoo,
Multiliteralist,
Y,
Sarah Baldewijns
(judges)

And kudos to Shabidoo for hosting the 2013 Happy Monkey Competition, and his friend Sarah Baldewijns for judging assistance!

Did you hear MY CHEM BROKE UP I'M SAD NOWWW

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

IT WAS MY FAVORITE BAND AHHW WYAYYWHEYH WHYYYYYYYYY GODD?!! WHY?! I'm just gonna kill my-!

Ask Zombiebaron - BONER EDITION

Why does porn give me a boner? (asked by RAHB): Porn tricks your penis into thinking that it is time for sex.

Why does porn give RAHB a boner? (asked by Cat the Colourful): Because he lies to his penis.

Yeah, why does porn give RAHB a boner? (asked by Multiliteralist: Because he lies to his penis.

Do brains give you a boner? (asked by RAHB): "Brains" has multiple meanings. Yes to all of them.

Why does ANTHROPOMORPHIC COCKSUCKER ask so many irritatingly sexual questions? (asked by Moose): Because they are funny.

Why haven't you answered that RAHB/boner question yet? (asked by Multiliteralist): I was waiting to answer all the boner questions in one huge omnibus edition.

Why is Moose so frustratingly sexually frustrated? (asked by Colin "All your base" Heaney): He doesn't dip his nutsack in whiskey on an hourly basis like the rest of us.

Why do irritatingly sexual questions and frustration give me boners? Yes, more than one. (asked by RAHB): Because you have evolved into a higher realm of sexuality.

What's my problem with women? (asked by Matthlock): They can smell your hymn.

Yeah, why can't Mattlock get a boner? (asked by RAHB): He needs to dip his nutsack in whiskey more often.

Why didn't you answer that one yet? It's the most relevant of the bunch so far. (asked by Multiliteralist): ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

Does anybody else find it ironic that question number 69 is about my boners? (asked by Matthlock): No.

Does anybody else find it erotic that question number 69 is about Matthlock's boners? (asked by RAHB): I heard that Frosty jerked off to it several times.

Why can't RAHB quit going on about Matthlock's boners? (asked by Multiliteralist): RAHB likes boner.

Why this forum turned into a 'Ask Zombiebaron questions about other's questions'? And why am I asking this? (asked by Cat the Colourful): Because all of you are too lazy to actually come up with something original.

Or am I just a time paradox? (asked by Cat the Colourful): Nope, everyone is lazy.

If Cat is a time paradox, does he still get boners? (asked by RAHB): Yes.

There really are a lot of boner-related questions. What is a boner? (asked by Moose): A hard penis.

And how do I get one? (asked by Moose): Very carefully.

Ask Zombiebaron questions and maybe he will answer them!'

Check out these pages!

VFP you assholes - Penis?
An IP's opinion on Uncyclopedia - THIS IS A DICTATORSHIP YOU SHALL BE DESTROYED LOL!
New User names - Player.
Spanish website goes with adds - I believe it's spelled with only one D. Sorry, I'm a Grammar Nazi. Top in my graduating class. Bi-atch.

From our DICK logs:

14:59, March 27, 2013 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 178.141.80.239 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (DAAS FYHJG SDF F GGF GGGSDSA)

06:45, March 27, 2013 Legoktm (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for 5.254.133.90 (Talk | contribs) to an expiry time 6 months (I do not like green eggs and spam.)

06:45, March 27, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 5.254.133.90 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (I do not like green eggs and spam.)

21:33, March 24, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Shemap Wolvan (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 years ‎ (THANKS FOR THE VALUABLE CONTRIBUTIONS!)

21:38, March 23, 2013 Hotadmin4u69 (Talk | contribs) resurrected Zana Dark (Talk | contribs) (Been a year but let's see if she will even return.)

17:19, March 22, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 151.230.196.240 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (Test drive getting banned)

IRC Log Of The Week
<SirPeasewhizz> lol
<derpyy> lol HOLOCAUST denial is gay
<Kippy> BEAKING NEWS: THE SITE IS BACK UP
<Hotadmin4u69> HOMOSEXUALITY

Biopic: In Their Own Words

THIS IS HOW CRAZY RAFAEL REALLY IS! CRAAAAAAAAZZYYY!!

In this issue on this given week, we interview the very crazy one: Very Crazy Rafael! This man is commonly more seen lurking around IRC and hasn't made his user page yet. So red links are his thing. But this is what this CRAZY Rafael had to say to the press:

I found the Wiki on July 17, 2008. I am Brazilian, so I'm user of the Portuguese version: "Desciclopédia." My first article was about Jerusalem, translated from the English version. My best article is about the game: Grand Theft Auto IV. I'm male, I'm 18. I am practicing law.

And this was his closing remark:

The project wiki has a great potential, you just realize that it affects your life, when you edit daily.

And there you have it! The very crazy; Very Crazy Rafael!

Old School Featured Article of the Week

Sideboob

Originally featured on 9 April 2010

Sideboob comes into play when a fashionable upper-class woman wants you to lust after her breasts, but can still live with herself in polite society. Sideboob, which is a peek-a-boo look at the side of either one or both breasts, aesthetically enhances any situation in which it appears. In fact, in our virtual/material/antropological world, good Sideboob is usually so attention-grabbing that all of the other objects of attraction in the vicinity can only brood silently, start the toe tapping thing, get into the arms crossed pose, and then storm out. That is the power of Sideboob. (Full article...)

Random Article of the Week

13 year old intelligence

Feature of the Week

Still life

Confucius say

Man who split wood is Tiger Woods.
If there was a tiger in woods, doesn't that mean Tiger Woods?
Large penis hurt girl? Hurt pussy.
Insert new password, penis.
Too small. Need a new one.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 21:52, 28 March 2013 (UTC)

This isn’t an April Fool’s Day Prank! This is the UnSignpost![edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Just like Grandma used to make!

April 4th, 2013 • Issue 193 • April showers bring February flowers. Wear protection.

We are so, so sorry

By Snippy

Move, bastard, move!

Yes, it's true. After only three months of sickly sweet freedom, our "Free" Uncyclopedia has broken. As the main page announced only days ago, our brief period of independence has come to an end, and it is now time to reconcile with the welcoming - if brutally oppressive - arms of Wikia. Or, in the bittersweet, tear-wrenching words of RAHB; "All will be assimilated into the bliss of the Grand Wikia Empire. Those who resist will be disposed of." Amen to that!

Maybe years in the future, we will even look back and say that the day we repented was the day that everything changed for the better. A date that will surely go down in history for Uncyclopedia: April the 1st.

... Wait, April the 1st? You guys fucking got me again, didn't you? Oh, wow.

(Thanks to Kip the Dip for the awesome April Fools Main Page!)

Easter!

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

The Easter Bunny!

So... what did you do this Easter Sunday? Did you even celebrate Easter? Did you see any bunnies in your house hiding eggs? Laying eggs? Making you "special candy"? I know I sure did! If you're not doing anything next year 'round, you could do some of these things; ~~kill a baby~~, do nothing, watch baseball, make a sandwich, skateboard, eat soup, and worship ~~Satan~~ Jesus! Happy Easter from the UnSignpost! Ruining your lives since 2008!

Ask Zombiebaron

Will you answer this question? (asked by Hotadmin4u69): Yes.

Why Hotadmin4u69 stole my question? (asked by Cat the Colourful): Manifest Destiny.

Why did ^ those two do what I was just about to do? (asked by Multiliteralist): Because none of you are creative enough to come up with cool questions like "Is eating my own poop kosher?" (The answer is "It depends on what the poop is made out of")

Does salad have inherently supernatural qualities? (asked by RAHB): Yes. If you eat enough salad you will turn into a supernatural dirty hippie. It is magic.

Do zombies like salad porn? (asked by Lost Labyrinth): Everybody likes salad porn.

Ask Zombiebaron questions and maybe he will answer them!'

Confucius say

Man who make mistake in elevator is so wrong on many levels.
Man who fish in other men's well often catch crabs.
Man who hauls donkeys, hauls ass.
Ching chang ding dong.
War no determine who is right, but rather who is left.

Random Article of the Week

Pendle Hill

Feature of the Week

Get-rich-quick scheme

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

21:25, April 2, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Frank Zappa (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (I will always remember the day that I blocked Frank Zappa from uncyclopedia :D)

21:36, April 1, 2013 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked This Is The End (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (The cabal wishes it)

19:24, March 30, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 221.130.18.183 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (this IP has aids)

21:37, March 29, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a goose ‎ (Making up silly block reasons just to get in the USP)

19:17, March 29, 2013 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Sir Peasewhizz (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 12 seconds ‎ (I've had it with these motherfuckin' UnSignposts without my motherfuckin' name linked in them. Put this ban in the ban log plz. ; D)

11:23, March 29, 2013 MadMax (Talk | contribs) blocked Malamammais (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (<-- I'm with stupid.)

01:53, March 29, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 212.203.83.90 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (suck my dick or get the fuck out)

IRC Log Of The Week
<SirPeasewhizz> Oh god UncycBot is funny
<UncycBot> SirPeasewhizz: Great. I am a Christian.
<SirPeasewhizz> I'm lying
<SirPeasewhizz> He's stupid
<UncycBot> SirPeasewhizz: Please tell the truth.
<CatTheColourful> hahaha

Biopic: In Their Own Words
This week, we traveled to Saskatchewan to visit the ancient and revered Taiwanese sheep herder Lon Chang Eee, to ask him about his rich and storied life experiences traveling the Earth and meeting its various peoples. Unfortunately, he was not home. So instead, we interviewed Madclaw. When we arrived, he was naked and entirely covered in mustard, prompting us to ponder why we didn't come to him in the first place. He told us this about himself:

"My prick is a biohazard. One......................... two................................................ three....................................... four............................................... five............................................ six............................................... seven............................................... and a half................. inches. And due to the large amount of pubic hair you almost can't see the genital warts."

Speaking of my prick I once tried to thrust it into a grapefruit but due to the PH value of it my dickhead kept feeling a burning sensation. Fucking grapefruit give you crabs kids, unlike Grae-fruits, they give you AIDS."

He also told us that the most exciting thing he had ever stuck in his butthole was "A French hookers tiny dildo when I 69'ed her".

We can all learn a great deal from this man, who apparently also has something to do with a Star Trek fan site or something.

Old School Featured Article of the Week

History of Google

Originally featured on 6 May 2009

Since it became the world's most popular search engine, many people imagine that the Google™ corporation of California™ is a young company. However, this is not the case. Google was first registered as a trademark as long ago as 1894 and has been in business ever since, though it is only in the last decade that it has achieved the international fame that it now enjoys. (Full article...)

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 18:21, 4 April 2013 (UTC)

The Misunderstood[edit source]

Some idiot has nominated your page. Nice new set up on the song vid! Thanks for your vote on the Occupy St. Peter's Square page, it would be fun if somebody actually organized it! Aleister 20:20 20-20-'20

Hey[edit source]

Sorry to whore, but it seems Reasonable doubt is lacking in votes, could you help? Sir Pease whizz Biblio HOS Awards 16:37 4.05.13

Gee Whizz! I had a reasonable doubt. But who put me in charge of quality control?? As you may have noticed the secret to Uncyclopedia is that you may have to "Pray to Play". BTW: I think you and I can do a collab to get Cleopatra featured. I looked it over and it will need a bit of a new intro (for example, Miley is not famous enough outside the US to be a good example), as well as the need to lose about half of the material (the unfunny half). There is LOTS of good material but it's too diluted by not-so-good material, much like the way some vendors mix water with milk in India and thereby spoil both. If you give me permission then I'll get to work. And thanks for the Nom and friendship.--Funny bony

17:36, Apr 5

Yeah sure! I'll work on it later today and tomorrow. I'll be getting off soon. Sir Pease whizz Biblio HOS Awards 17:52 4.05.13

Badass guitar treat[edit source]

`--Funny bony

19:41, Apr 5

UnSignpost Time, Folks! I repeat, UnSignpost Time![edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

April 11th, 2013 • Issue 194 • Chicago Cubs 0 (HAHAHAHA! GET IT? THEY SUCK!)

Oh boy is my cat a horny bastard!

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

I love you.

Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boooyyy! My cat is a horny bastard! Seriously! My cat won't shut up! He's always chewing on my chords, meowing, biting my laptop's corners (of the screen) and interrupting my Yankees baseball game! Seriously, what should I do? I wanted to write something interesting today for the UnSignpost, but I have to deal with this cat situation! His name is Max by the way. Somebody help me! My cat is horny! HORNY!

I love Mila Kunis

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

I love you.

I love Mila Kunis. I'm sorry, but I really do. She is my girlfriend. I'm not kidding. Why would I lie to you? I LAUGH. This is serious, just like the whole website. Serious matter.

I love this woman.

I love you baby.

Seriously, lots of love.

Ask Zombiebaron

What do brains taste like? (asked by Simsilikesims): Everybody's brain tastes different based on what sort of stuff they think about. My favorite is people who think about pizza.

If beans are such a musical fruit, how come they can only play the trombone? (asked by Modusoperandi): Beans believe in quality not quantity. Why play multiple instruments when you can just play one really really well.

Have you seen Iron Sky? XDD (asked by Cat the Colourful): Yes! I finally watched it a few weeks ago and totally forgot to answer this question. I highly recommend this movie to all fans of my column. Two words: space nazis.

If you mixed a Zombiebaron, an Olipro and a Mr winkler, what would be the ultimate outcome? (asked by Lost Labyrinth): The superior Zombiebaron DNA would devour the other two and you would get a clone of me.

Dear, Zombibaron [sic], is professional wrestling fixed? (asked by RAHB): I didn't know it had been broken.

Ask Zombiebaron questions and maybe he will answer them!'

Confucius say

Life is like butt hair. Short and full of crap!
Elvis not dead. He is doing the Jail House rock in HELL!
Man who finger girlfriend during her period, caught red-handed!
He who laugh last think slowest!
Man with hand in pants feel cocky all day long!

Random Article of the Week

Pants Anderson

Feature of the Week

UnNews:Bellicose Uzi kills Lebanese gangster’s ex-wife

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

21:24, April 9, 2013 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a salmon ‎ (Possibly discriminating against Wiccans.)

21:13, April 9, 2013 Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Using "W***a" in a block reason. Irony.)

10:31, April 9, 2013 Hotadmin4u69 (Talk | contribs) blocked TanyaArne (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Abusing multiple accounts: Fuck you too.)

10:30, April 9, 2013 Hotadmin4u69 (Talk | contribs) blocked BrookeTra (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Tired of these bot created accounts with names. What happens when the real Brooke Tra tries to join Uncyclopedia? Nothing, because you stole her username you faggot)

22:35, April 8, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Wanda The Monkey (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Have a nice day)

02:10, April 5, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) resurrected Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) (Banning me for nearly 2 years over a link on a subpage that I haven't edited in over a year seems a bit much)

01:52, April 5, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 667 days ‎ (mentioning Wikia in a block reason)

22:28, April 4, 2013 Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) blocked Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 666 days ‎ (A HARD-LINK TO WIKIA???? ZOMBIEBARON?!?!? ZOMBIEBARON!!!!)

13:12, April 3, 2013 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 151.230.138.106 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (:()

IRC Log Of The Week
<Dex> Shut up, Kip.
<derpyy> Shut the things got up, because we watch Dexter PORN
<Dex> And leave that poor IP alone.
<Kip2> That's my ghost, you idjit.
<Tigerman_> Idjit?
<Kip2> Yeah. That's a slang word, right?

Biopic: In Their Own Words
This week, for the Biopic we went to the extremes of MAGIC BUS RIDES! Ladies and gentlemen! The magical MagicBus! YEAH! This is what he had to say for us at the UnSignpost! And yes, the ride was magical! I came. But you don't want to know that. That's icky stuff. Here's what MagicBus had to say:

Hello, I'm MagicBus. I have a mom and a dad. I also have one cool sister and three very annoying brothers. I am Christian and I believe in God. My favorite colors are blue, green and black. I am currently attend high school and I'm in 11th grade.

I will try my best to kick the 5-time champion and the 4-time champion out of NASCAR. My favorite football team is the Buffalo Bills and I extremely hate the Cheaters. I also like many rock bands from the 60's, 70's and 80's and wish Justin Bieber to hit puberty and to stop kissing his girlfriend. I also love to play the drums and I play them like Keith Moon of The Who. My favorite NASCAR driver is David Ragan. And this was his closing statement, which came extremely magically:

I'm MagicBus and I approve this message!

There you have it everybody! The magical, the transportation daredevil, the hip MagicBus! Yes, cheer. Cheer. Harder, louder, faster stronger. Now twist. One more time. Okay stop! Hammertime.

Old School Featured Article of the Week

Minecraft

Originally featured on 30 August 2012

Minecraft is a sandbox-building independent video game written entirely in Java, created by Swedish professor Markus "I-can't-make-circles-or-other-shapes" Persson.

Persson began on the project after he decided that he had a deep yearning to create a game that was more boring than real life. Instead of, you know, making something that would actually benefit the world. At the time, he probably thought the project as small, insignificant. Little did he know that his creation would soon amass a mighty army of sheepish gamers that would never have a relationship or even know a life outside of Minecraft.

The game is mainly comprised of extremely pixelated blocks, gardening tools, inconsistent gravity and 12 year olds who will spend every waking moment at this little game. (Full article...)

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 00:33, 11 April 2013 (UTC)

UnSignpost, late and lazy![edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Because if the rumors don't spread at the salon, we must spread them in the news.

April 19th, 2013 • Issue 195 • Fresh shredding material for your kitty's claws

I apologize, dudes!

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

It seems last issue, I had a minor outbreak about my about my cat's out-of-control horniness. But my love for Mila Kunis still stands tall.

I apologize, bitches and dudes.

Here's a picture of broccoli.

Broccoli, guys!

Wait thoughhhh!

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

Do you think Katy Perry is hot?

Sure thing.

Ask Zombiebaron

If we were to crash several small meteors into Mars as to build up its mass slightly and we then syphoned some of the greenhouse gases from Venus' atmosphere and enveloped Mars in it, would Mars become habitable? What about Venus? Would it cool down enough following the removal of the greenhouse gases? (asked by Dexter111344): Yes.

I made a movie called "iRape". How do I promote it in theatres? (asked by Hotadmin4u69): Very carefully.

Questions? (asked by Cat the Colourful): Yes please.

How many walruses could you (as in, YOU, Zombiebaron) put in a bathtub with doughnuts on their tusks? (asked by Strainj1): You haven't defined all the variables. How long do I have to complete this? Over the course of several decades I could probably slowly kill and transport hundreds of walruses.

Is it the heat, or is it the humidity? (asked by RAHB): The heat. Heat causes humidity.

Ask Zombiebaron questions and maybe he will answer them!'

Confucius say

She who whisper secret, whisper one word. "Secret". Literally.
Man with four balls cannot walk, wrong baseball, you wrong!
Man who called gay while happy has boner?
This week, USP at least percent effort
The above quote barely make sense.

Random Article of the Week

Vasily Tolstoy

Feature of the Week

Drawing

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

07:46, April 15, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 124.244.172.142 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (a sad little man that needs some time alone with his right hand)

02:49, April 11, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Wakkoswish123 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (I am remarkably certain that I gave you the civility speech. Correct me if I'm wrong.)

02:37, April 11, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) resurrected Mr-ex777 (Talk | contribs) (Sang the My Little Pony theme song. Clearly shown a change of heart. His heart is all furry now. Which makes it less useful in cardiovascular processes, but strangely cute.)

02:28, April 11, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Mr-ex777 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (What he's doing is seriously so not blanking. You're an idiot.)

IRC Log Of The Week
<gaybo_the_clown> the anime came first
<gaybo_the_clown> like everything in japan
<gaybo_the_clown> it's based on anime
<SirPeasewhizz> \wp Date Masamune
<gaybo_the_clown> I'm not even sure japan exists
<gaybo_the_clown> I think it's just from cartoons and fucked up porn
<gaybo_the_clown> like king arhur

Biopic: In Their Own Words

Sorry, we're too lazy.

Old School Featured Article of the Week

Hollywood tour

Originally featured on 28 March 2010

Welcome on board everyone, or as our German friends would say, "Hello!" I'm Stephen Baldwin. You may recognise me from the front of that pamphlet you're holding. This is Stephen Baldwin's Excellent Tour of Hollywood, On a Bus, driven by Me, Stephen Baldwin. I bet you didn't know I was a bus driver! Well, things aren't so flash in the movie business lately. Hold my whiskey... thanks. God, I'm Irish!

Let's all buckle in and get started. Actually, I couldn't afford seatbelts. Whenever I'm not talking -- not often, I assure you! -- feel free to ask me questions about me! I'll respond by talking about myself. Now I know you folks are probably wanting to see the sights -- and you will! But mostly, I'm just going to talk about myself and drive past them all at 60 miles an hour. (Full article...)

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 01:34, 19 April 2013 (UTC)

The 2 Days Tardy USP![edit source]

{{Uncyclopedia:UnSignpost/20130425} } SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 01:00, 27 April 2013 (UTC)

Week-old news two weeks late: The UnSignpost![edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

83.54% more reliable than The Daily Mail

June 6th, 2013 • Issue 198 • Back and ~~better than ever~~ still pretty adequate.

News Roundup At The OK Corral

By RAHB

Yes, we've returned. Yes, we're still incredibly good looking.

Here we are, we are not dead. Ignore the fact that the staff is entirely changed from last time. We did not murder them. And we definitely didn't murder Sir Peasewhizz. Because that would be just terrible. What we did do, however, is listed below:

Recently Uncyclopedia's esteemed writing competition, the Poo Lit Surprise took place, and the outpouring of entries would have been overwhelming if it had happened. The meager number of entries we did receive seems to have done the trick though, as it has kept the judges confounded and overwhelmed for several weeks past the judging deadline now. We suspect that they are toiling away, scrutinizing every fine detail of the pieces entered, to ensure that the Uncyclopedian people are guaranteed results of the utmost quality. And we certainly did not murder Legoktm. That would be just terrible.
The monthly awards pages have been vigorously steam-cleaned and you can hardly notice the stains anymore. Archival and blurb'ing is under new management. So vote now for your favorite writers, noobs, Uncyclopedians, potatochoppers, morons and everything else! It's also time to vote on the Top 3 of May, and don't forget about VFH, VFP and VFD. And, perhaps most importantly of all, VOTE FOR SANDWICHES! The future of Uncyclopedia depends on it.
An insidious stream of buttsex farticles relating inexplicably to Doctor Who and Mr-ex777 has recently taken over Uncyclopedia's mainspace. There is no reason to be alarmed, this is just another of the strange series of ways in which the BBC is celebrating the 50th anniverary of the popular long-running science fiction series. They've also recently dressed mating animals in Doctor garb at the San Diego Zoo, anonymously left replicas of the Eleventh Doctor's sonic screwdriver inside various cakes and chocolate bars, and spray-painted Matt Smith's penis onto several trains and bus stops, in hopes of building up hype for this Novemeber's big event.
This week we were treated to the triumphant return of one of our most beloved image manipulators and an all-around great gal, Sonje! She's already taken to clearing out the backup at Image Request, helping out with the projects of a few delirious madmen and laughed heartily at the antics of a certain unnamed IRC Markov bot. Go welcome her aggressively on her talk page so that she doesn't leave to work on her Master's degree again!
IFYMB! is a poopsmith now because I said so.

And there you have it. That is literally everything that happened on Uncyclopedia since the last UnSignpost. It may have seemed like not much information, but really we just used a sort of wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey device to cram a hell of a lot of data into a very short space of time. This is part of the UnSignpost's new technological advances that will make us a constant competitor in the world of wiki-news in the future. Please, tell your friends. Please. Seriously, please.

Also, Wikia still sucks (just in general). But please don't murder them. That would be just terrible.

Ask Zombiebaron

When does the next UnSignpost come out? (asked by Moose): Right now!

Does UnSignpost even happen anymore? (asked by IFYMB!): Yes!

Is USP neutered? Ever? (asked by Cat the Colourful): We tried once and it bit off Dr. Skullthumper's left hand. He had to completely relearn how to masturbate.

Can frogs be neutered? (asked by IFYMB!): Anything can be neutered.

Yeah when is the next USP? (asked by Multiliteralist): Right now!

Can I ask two questions? (asked by Multiliteralist): In this special edition of Ask Zombiebaron, yes. However your third question ("Or three?") cannot be answered in this issue. You will have to wait until next time to learn the answer!

Ask Zombiebaron questions and maybe he will answer them!

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

00:06, May 31, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 123.202.12.124 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (I'm still intrigued about this "blood of the number one scorer" that you keep mentioning. Is it an album or something?)

22:02, May 30, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 61.180.49.18 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (That edit summary was so METAL)

12:36, May 22, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 209.221.90.250 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (Thanks for coming back after your last ban! See you in 6 months!)

10:02, May 15, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Arcom0911 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 days ‎ (If you're gonna bully kids at your school at least have the balls to do it somewhere they might actually see)

17:00, May 8, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 208.54.35.187 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Oi! You! Stop titting around!)

IRC Log of the Week
[23:46] <ifymb> Sounds very scientific
[23:47] <RAHB> Oh, it is
[23:47] <RAHB> Trust me, it totally is
[23:47] <RAHB> We have test tubes and everything
[23:47] <ifymb> Lab coats?
[23:47] <ifymb> You gotta have lab coats
[23:48] <RAHB> Yeah we've got lab coats
[23:48] <RAHB> Well
[23:48] <RAHB> We've got one lab coat and we just sort of share it
[23:50] <ifymb> what, you all have a patch
[23:50] <ifymb> all you all fit in one?
[23:57] <RAHB> Well, sometimes, if we've had too much to drink
[23:57] <RAHB> But usually we just rotate it around
[23:57] <RAHB> Whoever's using the test tubes gets to wear the coat

Biopic: In Their Own Words
This week Sonje returned to our ranks after nearly two years of inactivity. We were intending to do a Biopic: In Their Own Words on her for this issue of the UnSignpost, but we got lazy, and then we got drunk, and then we started trying on other people's clothes, and then things got really hazy, and now we don't have a biopic for this week. We promise to do it next week though. We totally promise.

Random Article of the Week

Anal Twitmas

Ask Zombiebaron Some More

How do zombies fit in well with everyday society? Gayness? (asked by Lost Labyrinth): We wear wigs.

Coke or Pepsi? (asked by Colin "All your base" Heaney): Coke.

Who touched me? (asked by Hotadmin4u69): A trucker named Paul. He roofied you during your school field trip to Washington DC.

Is the only card you need the Ace of Spades? (asked by RAHB): Of course.

Ask Zombiebaron questions and maybe he will answer them even more!

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate) ~ Tue, Jun 11 '13 2:31 (UTC)

UnSignpost is back[edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper the Whole Family Must Enjoy!

July 7th, 2013 • Issue 199 • Still fashionably late.

The PLS results

By Anton

This is needed to know stuff.

The thirteenth edition of the PLS was held a while ago (in May). If you would like to know the result, we (me) decided to make life easier for you and give you the result of the contest, so you don't have to go all the way to the PLS page (one click).

Just to remind you, all in all there were 4 categories and, therefore, there were supposed to be 4 people who got the first place and other 4 who got the second. However, this was not exactly what happened, as there are 6 writers who ~~came from nowhere and~~ won the second place, therefore diminishing the amount of prize money that others got.

And so, here are the results! We (everyone) congratulate Zombiebaron for writing the Best PLS article "The Uncyclopedia's Owner Manual" and IFYMB! for his second best article "UnScripts:The Treaty of Minaj-Black" (these two articles got featured after)! We also congratulate the winners of all the other categories: RedHot ("My Dinner"; the best noob article), TheMillionRabbit ("Hold Your Wii For A Wee contest; the second best noob article) and Tmchale ("Searching for Topological Degeneracy in the Hubbard Model with Quantum Monte Carlo"; the secon second best noob article), Zana Dark ("Disturbed"; the best rewrite), Tmchale again ("Ludwig Wittgenstein"; the second best rewrite) and IFYMB! again again ("Opposite Day"; the second second best rewrite), Zombiebaron again ("The Last Unicorn in Vinnitsa"; the best potatochop) and finally Dexter111344 ("Ghost in the Trench"; the second best potatochop)! Thanks to all the participators and judges!

The Uncyclopedia App

By Anton

There has recently (a certain amount of time before the latest UnSignpost issue) been a lot of talk about creating an Uncyclopedia App as well as an Uncyclospecies. The idea consists in producing and selling the app which will transform all the human beings who use them into Uncyclopedians. The majority of the users (about 50% of those two who really participated) found this idea great (think that it is funny to talk about) and maybe even began working on it (asked someone else to think about it). Nothing else is known about them, as they disappeared soon after the first experiments were held.

The main problem this project has is that, in fact, nobody knows how to create an app. In addition to this, there is no money, as most of it was spent on Ferraris, that were supposed to bring more money but didn't. Finally, some people think that it might be harmful for the environment (nobody cares).

The project is currently being discussed (some users still post random spam on the forum) and with a certain probability the app is going to be created in nearby future (it is never going be to created but some people do think about it). Anton (talk) 12:51, 6 July 2013 (UTC)

Ask Zombiebaron!

Who is your real identity? Before being a zombie? (asked by Y): Before being a zombie I was just a regular person that nobody had ever heard of named Burt Reynolds.

Dear Zombiebaron, is it true that you own Mike Nesmith's original wool hat? (asked by RAHB): No, that is not true.

Is uncyclopedia supposed to be stupid? (asked by Lyrithya): No, it's supposed to be funny.

Will you make me an admin again, Bureaucrat Zombiebaron? (asked by Ljlego): Yeah.

Or three? (asked by Multiliteralist): Nope.

Ask Zombiebaron questions and he will probably never answer them!

Check out these pages!

Top VFH competitors:

1989 (8.5:2.5)
Probability theory (7:1)
George H. W. Bush (4.5:0)

VFH Highlights of the week

UnNews:Islamic controversies ruining 9/11 celebrations across the country (13:1)
UnScripts:The Treaty of Minaj-Black (11.5:3)
The X-HEIRS (8.5:0)

IRC Log of the Week
<Madclaw> "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn"
<ifymb> ahh yeah

Kippy has joined #uncyclopedia

<Kippy> BUTT POOP!!!!
<Madclaw> where else would poop come from silly
<Madclaw> well except for SPIKE's mouth that is

UnNews of the Week
UnNews:Uninformed Westerners unsure who to support in Egypt

Millions of uninformed idiots in the Western world have been left "completely unable" to decide who to support during the current Egyptian crisis, an UnNews report can exclusively reveal.

When asked his opinion, Todd Layman, 22, an English major, said "Alright! Arabic Spring Part Deux! Democracy now!" However, when we explained that the Muslim Brotherhood was the party elected by the democratic elections which the Arabic Spring provoked, Layman asked us not to print his reaction.

Random Article of the Week

An article that contains nothing but my potato chip situation

IFYMB! Mystery

I fight your mom, Batman! (guess by Multiliteralist)

I found you milking boners (guess by RAHB)

I Forgot Your Milkyway Basket? (guess by Cat the Colourful)

I Fucked Your Mom's Brother (guess by DungeonSiegeAddict510)

I fornicated your mom's bonobo (guess by Hotadmin4u69)

Infinite Flying Yellow Monkey Battleships (guess by Zombiebaron)

Incestuous fellatio, your moronic butt! (guess by Multiliteralist)

I fucked your mom's bitch! (guess by Hotadmin4u69)

I believe it is pronounced just the way you spell it. (guess by Moose)

Guess, guess, guess!

Contributions to UnSignpost

Contributors: IFYMB!, Anton, Zombiebaron

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

And enjoy the news! You are also present here? Anton (talk) 17:51, 6 July 2013 (UTC)

The UnSignpost: a brilliant new format but less news[edit source]

The UnSignpost

The Newspaper With No Ambitions, Goals, Hopes or Dreams!

August 1st, 2013 • Issue #200 • Archives • Press Room

Servers Paid For Until 2014; World Peace Inevitable

Approximately how much money Uncyclopedia has now. Oh well, one zero is still more than no zeroes.

In a genius financial maneuver called "eat only Ramen for nine months", Uncyclopedia administrator Isarra has paid for Uncyclopedia's servers until September with what little student loan money she had left.

The remaining three months of 2013 were paid for with money raised from donations, merchandise sales, and advertising on the Uncyclomedia Shop. It cost $277.80 of the site's whopping $307.51, leaving the rest of the admins with barely enough money for their Ferrari gas tanks and an Uncyclopedia Android app.

However, this makes it obvious that the site is not yet financially self-sustaining and that other methods of generating revenue and/or more exposure to Uncyclopedia are needed if the site will do better in 2014. Ideas proposed on IRC include advertising, finding a generous sugar daddy, playing the lottery, and selling synthetic marijuana. Also worth considering is that even though raising awareness of the site through word of mouth and Operation Infamous is embarrassing and socially isolating, it will attract more people who will (hopefully) put money in our cup. And clicking on the ads in our e-store helps a bit too.

Count to a million fiasco
On July 29th, 2013; the infamous Count to a million thread which is popular for it's time wasting appeal was locked by Frosty in what could be said as "an action of gay gay gay proportions." ~~Several~~ Just three users took to the streets to protest this decision, angry that their only source of time wasting has been taken by one gay snowman; of course, they didn't protest or anything so nothing notable happened.

When we asked Frosty about this, he responded "This is to make sure people edit in the mainspace like they're supposed to, for so long very few edits have taken place in mainspace and it seems like the most popular thing here is that blasted thread. I feel like I've made the perfect choice." However, TheHappySpaceman and co-partner in crime Kırby think otherwise; claiming that "This is just so Frosty can get the "gayest person in the world" award; we've made attempts to make the thread viable by contributing comics and other stuff and to mock all of our attempts, that's gay indeed. Even gayer than Mr. Winkler's F."

Everybody else is oddly not disturbed by this recent conundrum; knowing full well that the thread will be open in a week. "It's nice that we have a motivation to edit mainspace, I was getting tired posting numbers in an attempt to reach a million. Hey, maybe I'll make a featured article in a week." said a random Uncyclopedian. Okay, so it's not much of a fiasco as we portrayed it to be but two people are pissed off and that at least has to make it a mini-fiasco right? As of writing, TheHappySpaceman and Matthlock are currently planning to write a mainspace article, presumably with lots of gay jokes.

UnDroid
For eons, an Uncyclopedia Android app was only a pipe dream. Maybe like two weeks ago. Thankfully, it's now a reality. The app, developed by some guy you've never heard of named Jude Pereira, can be found here. It's free in exchange for money and referring your friends to download the app. The app also has many exciting features such as AutoTypo 1.0, which shrinks the keypad and allows you to create typos faster than ever before, and Zoom 0.8, an innovative feature allowing you to make large things small and small things large. It's truly revolutionary technology, and it's completely free. So download it, use it, and be somebody.

Biopic
In this Biopic we examine the trials and tribulations of Fakehater who, with a few uploads under his belt (however that works), is taking audio requests in the Village Dump. He says he enjoys proofreading, doing audio, and based on his userpage, The Goonies. He is also into older women but, like most UnNews reporters, he has little to offer any dignified, diabetic septuagenarian. Embarrassingly, his IRC nickname is "arsenic_x", which we're pretty sure is what created the Powerpuff Girls.

From The Logs
• 20:53, July 19, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Lemonpie (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Infinite ‎ (just fuck off pls)
• 17:13, July 19, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of -3600 seconds ‎ (how many dicks could a dick sucker suck if a dick sucker could suck dick?)
• 11:41, July 1, 2013 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 31 millennia, 6 centuries, 8 decades, 8 years, 269 days, 17 hours, 37 minutes and 3 seconds ‎ (Better number of nines)

Top VFH Competitors
• UnNews:Army launches new recruiting ad campaign (8/0.5)
• UnScripts:Your Guide to Notable Literature: Abridged (6.5/0)
• Constantine II (5.5/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week
Katy Perry hit generator (10/0)

From The Forums
• Remember a time when Uncyclopedia didn't suck
• Hey! This looks like an important thing!
• I can't hear you!
• The day the music was born again and accepted Christ

UnSignpost News
You are probably noticing that the UnSignpost looks a little bit different. That's because it is. If you don't like it then that's just, like, your opinion and stuff man.

IRC Quote
[13:35] <DogTheColourful> I WILL FUCK YOUR HOUSE AND BURN YOUR MOTHER DOWN

Anton (talk) 13:58, 8 August 2013 (UTC)

Dear Abby[edit source]

Your Abby Martin page has been nominated for VFH. I don't know why. And you haven't had a message here since August 8??? I now break that half-year drought, with a toast and some toast. Al 20:47 25-2-14

Yo bro! Thanks. Even Abby "Liked" it on Facebook (the version from here). Stay well. Cheers!--Funny bony

13:45, Feb 26

Really? You are not kidding? Anton (talk) 17:37, 26 February 2014 (UTC)

Hi Anton! Kidding about what?--Funny bony

18:13, Feb 26

Abby having liked Uncyclopedia page about her incident Anton (talk) 18:30, 26 February 2014 (UTC)

Yes! I was a worried she might not, but I sent her the link - from here where it is headlined - and she liked it. If it gets featured I'll let her know. Her case is still under review on Wikipedia. Even I've got a page, and so will she as soon as she gets some 3rd party feature articles. Right now her name is just a redirect to RT's Wikipedia page. Cheers!--Funny bony

20:09, Feb 26

You've got a page?! If I am not being too indiscreet, could you please tell me what its name is? Anton (talk) 07:17, 27 February 2014 (UTC)

Hi Anton, please let me know your email. Cheers!--Funny bony

09:13, Feb 27

I sent you one using the "Email this user" option. Anton (talk) 09:33, 27 February 2014 (UTC)

Already replied. Cheers!--Funny bony

10:03, Feb 27

Ok, thanks! Anton (talk) 11:39, 27 February 2014 (UTC)

I knew it! Funnybony is Mike Tyson! Hints had been dropped for years. Mike, what was with that tattoo man, that must have hurt. Cool. Aleister 13:31 27-2-14

Abby breaks from her masters, and plans to play in the Masters this year (Al 4-3-14):

UnSignpost: yet another new format but still less news[edit source]

Now with 20% more ninjas!

5 May 2014 • Issue #201 • Archives • Press Room

Some headline to make this awful story by an inexperienced editor seem important and newsworthy

By Llwy-ar-lawr
So it seems nothing much goes on these days that's really newsworthy. Sure things happen, new users stop by, edit a while then leave, people write things, but...nothing really notable, you know. But we won't write an entire article about how nothing's happening and how depressing that is because, well, it's depressing, you know? So we're going to tell you about one thing the author - in her extreme vanity - thinks is worthy of reporting and make it seem like that's important and trick you into caring, when you'd really much rather be playing video games or (gasp) writing an article.

This forum resulted in our acquiring a new admin, Llwy-ar-lawr, who is still all over the place just like she was before but now shows up in different places and is making this slow website go a little faster to hide how slow it is (we hope). There are rumours that she sleeps sometimes, but they have yet to be verified. She also happens to be writing this text right now, which is a terrible conflict of interest so we can't say any more on the matter; this means we will distract you with more pointless drivel about nothing. Now back to our regularly scheduled commercials, which we've forgotten to serve you. We bet you were really missing them because they're so yummy and informative. And yellow. That comes from the pee, which is high in nice nutrients like ~~phosgene~~ phosphorus...we think. Probably. We're telling it to you as a fact, though, because we're never wrong.------------

Retro Week happens

By Anton199

The Retro Week organisers combat Uncyclopedia's liberal minds.

Uncyclopedians, rejoice! A great victory over the forces of liberalism has been won!

We, the Conservative users of Uncyclopedia, have decided that we don't have enough featured in-jokes, clowns, Really Big Trees, user and disambiguation pages, as if we haven’t pulled enough boners (and templates), we are putting all our past ~~glories~~ on our main page, once again, one by one, ten days a week.

Dear readers, only a few days late, the UnSignpost declares the Retro Week open! Applauds!

Originally Shabidoo's very controversial idea, the Retro Week has grown to become the time when all the Uncyclopedia administrators take an official rest from their site work, unless they are also the UnSignpost editors. You don't believe us? Check the recent changes!

So the 2014 Retro Week opened with a really big tree. A very big one. But it is pretty much everything original about it. It pursued with Slender Lorises, that are able to live in wet and dry forests, next - with Template:Boner, which we are not going to use in this UnSignpost, no matter how many times you ask us. Then came the turn of Hardwick Fundelbuggy's Userpage, featured not because it was funny, but because its author had written a lot of funny stuff (following this logic we can feature sandboxes and user contributions). Finally, we saw the Fire Hydrant spreading its waters around Uncyclopedia and slowing down - if not destroying - the servers.

Amongst other pros of the Retro Week are the facts that it gives users a good excuse for not voting on VFH for a while, because nobody does this anyway and that it is keeping our main page busy, while we are making an UnSignpost for you.

Thank Sophia, it happens only once a year!

Biopic We haven't managed to get hold of anyone long enough to get sufficient information out of them for a biopic. They always managed to ooze away just in time. Must be that slime that's got into the works.

From The Logs

• 23:35, 1 May 2014 Llwy-ar-lawr (talk | contribs) blocked SPIKE (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 seconds (account creation disabled) (does this do what I think it does?)

• 08:07, 17 April 2014 Frosty (talk | contribs) blocked MediaWiki default (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled) (you can't do that... YOU JUST CAN'T!!)

• 15:09, 10 April 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked 166.216.165.0/24 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 year (anonymous users only, account creation disabled, cannot edit own talk page) (Hey! Hey, guess what? I have a BONER for you to gnaa on! Ha ha ha ha ha pwnt.)

Top VFH Competitors

• Breaking Bad Wind (9/0)

• Why?:Are motorists out to get me when I ride my bike? (9/1)

• UnNews:Massage bugs discovered in Uganda (7/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week This is not an article (12/2)

From The Forums

• Retro Week is in session

• This looks interesting

• This looks interesting too

• Shiny stuff

UnSignpost News This is the first UnSignpost issue since August 2013. If that's not news I don't know what is, so stop complaining.

Chat Quote [22:15] <snerk> I just can't help but think that this is a pattern that is indicative of an anarchist takeover.

– Llwy-ar-lawr (talk • contribs • logs) 04:16, 5 May 2014

Funnybony!![edit source]

Funnybony!! Aleister 19:05 24-6-14

It was. I saw him, although it could have been a burning bush. I'm not sure. I made a few edits to UnNews:Five times Hillary didn’t sound like a candidate which may or may not embarrass me as I don't know much about Mrs C, other than the obvious.

You know what's odd... We have 48 pages in Category:Hillary Rodham Clinton. But on this wiki we don't even have an article on Hillary Clinton. Let alone an article on Hillary Rodum Clinton, who was famous for putting things/rods in dark places. J F C 16:21. Jun 25

That's right, you missed it. There was a massive article deletion thing awhile back, one of those sick demented Forest Fire Weeks where people were encouraged to look at a page for three seconds, slap a "Forest fire template" on it, and how the rules were written the pages were destroyed quickly. We lost hundreds of good pages (literally, some of them were on the Good articles list that Hyperbole keeps), many of them well known with nothing wrong with them. I saved only a few, but major pages are gone. Remember 'Ginger'? 'Baseball'? Many pages of named people. It was horrible. Aleister 19:13 25-6-14

"I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened." Obi-Wan Kenobi senses Alderaan's destruction (from Bristol) - November 2013.

"Also there is now a heck of a lot of actually funny content which is hidden from users in pages which have been huffed. I know this. If my words anger you, I'm talking to you. I would very much like for lots of our best users to be able to fish back through the archives of deleted content because actually much of it will be useful for them to write with. I find it ridiculous when I look at RC knowing that there are users there who are much better writers than me who can't access the same deleted pages that a sysop can." :Source - recently

"Be the change you want to see in the world" - Gandhi - trying to avoid paying for breakfast.

Also... Funnybony!!!!!! J F C 01:48. Jun 26

FUNNYBONY!!!!!! FUNNYBONY!!!!!! FUNNYBONY!!!!!!FUNNYBONY!!!!!! --ShabiDOO 01:58, 26 June 2014 (UTC)

Hey, y'all!!!--Funny bony

20:28, Jul 2

Something which might a muse you maybe[edit source]

School: 5-Year-Old Committed ‘Sexual Misconduct’ By Pulling Pants Down On Playground or maybe someone else who is passing by and gets a concept for an article. Mr N 14:41. Jul 7

Hey bro!!! How have you been? Send me an email. Cheers!--Funny bony

14:52, Jul 8

It's back! - The UnSignpost[edit source]

Better sign it.

25 July 2014 • Issue #202 • Archives • Press Room

UnSignpost: Return of the worst newspaper in history! By Frosty

Uncyclopedia. A kelpy substance.

Uncyclopedia is like a moldy pile of kelp right now. Not a lot of fun is happening right now. Or is it? Well probably not, but the UnSignpost is back! You know that newspaper that occasionally makes appearances on your talkpage that you also totally read. More than ever this newspaper will be uninformative, filled with articles that seem to endlessly ramble on about nothing in particular just to serve as filler and most importantly it will be the newspaper written by barely literate drunks.

Of course, you must ask, will this project actually be happening on any regular basis? You bet! Certain people who are extremely vain, as proven by the writing himself into the article will try and deliver you an UnSignpost every single Friday! That is of course, unless he gets devoured by a moldy pile of kelp. Then it might not happen. Other writers may also take part in this wonderful franchise, but let's face it, it's more likely that you read this entire article through to the end, than people actually write for this place anymore.------------

New admin time By Frosty
Once again we find ourselves in that horrible, horrible mode of electing new administrators for Uncyclopedia. A process that never fails to see at least three users permanently quit the site because of "hurt feelings". But apparently, this time will be different. Although we say that every time, we truly mean it this time. Every drama stirrer will win an all expenses paid trip to RAHB's secret rape dungeon where they will have their anus mercilessly pounded with a stick coated in pieces of broken glass, and to top it off, the glass pieces will have been soaked in the HIV virus before hand.

Serious candidates include Kip the Dip, Mr-ex777 and Leverage; and not so serious candidates include RAHB, vandals from 2008 and DungeonSiegeAddict510 (let's face it, who'd vote for him?). And although newspapers are supposed to be non-bias and non-speculative, if you don't vote for Kip, Mr-ex or Leverage you are a loser. Plain and simple.

Users are all encouraged to vote, because unlike with the presidential election, your vote counts! Further more, not every single candidate is a loser, most of them are, but not all of them. Voting commences on August 1, so get ready for some old fashion in your face ~~comedy~~ tragedy!

Biopic For the first time in 2014, we actually have a biopic! This week's biopic is Banzaikitten, who, is one of the very few new comers of 2014 to not bugger off within 7 days of signing up. We would like to thank SPIKE for his contribution in bringing Banzaikitten closer to us through his "take no prisoners" banning style on Wikia. If it wasn't for this, Banzaikitten would never have quit Wikia and joined us at the chosen Uncyclopedia. Please take a moment to thank Banzaikitten for being one of the very, very, VERY few users to join in recent times.

From The Logs

• 14:56, 23 July 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) changed block settings for 184.7.86.140 (talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (I've decided to use lube. You should feel so lucky.)

• 00:55, 19 July 2014 Frosty (talk | contribs) blocked 184.7.81.56 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 year (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (Chronic sock wanking and being a really shit vandal.)

• 14:41, 1 July 2014 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 23.105.212.133 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (I’m coming at you like a dark horse)

Top VFH Competitors

• F4 (10/0)

• Potatoe (10/0)

• Bidet (10/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week You Are Gay (13/0)

From The Forums

• Well, do you?

• Goes without saying, this is Uncyclopedia.

• Good riddance!

• Oh boy...

UnSignpost News If you've read the UnSignpost all the way to this point, you need help. Seriously.

Chat Quote [17:12] You have been disconnected. Attempting to reconnect for you...

~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!)

08:57, 25 July 2014 (UTC)

Two weeks in a row? A new record! It's the UnSignpost[edit source]

The Newspaper That Won't Tell Everyone That You Wet the Bed! Oops...

01 August 2014 • Issue #203 • Archives • Press Room

...And they're off! By Frosty

Just as lame and boring as a horse race, except without the gambling.

Predictably (and because let's face it, nothing else is happening on the site), the admin election takes the lead story. For those of you living under a rock and those that are just plain slow, Kip the Dip is leading the race by far (+19) and should win be a few lengths, this is definitely because of how hard his jockey is riding him. Cat the Colourful is trailing at second with +13, followed by Leverage at +8 and Banzaikitten at +6. Other notable mentions include Aleister, Mr-ex777, Lost Labyrinth Mattsnow and DungeonSiegeAddict510 who have all succeeded in avoiding the highly embarrassing score of getting +1 or less. Feel free to message the losers with negative scores and point and laugh a lot hahaha.

It shuld be no surprise that the page has been mercilessly trolled with other complete joke nominations including The Chief of AIDS and The Zombie of AIDS.

If you haven't been to the forum yet to cast your vote, do it today! Uncyclopedia admin elections: Twice the drama, half the fat!------------

VFH smells By Frosty
This story is nothing short of a PSA, circle-jerking with traces of vote whoring in as well. If you are reading this, you should vote on VFH. VFH voting takes very effort and makes it, at the very least appear, that we have active users. So get down there some time today and vote on all the articles. Some might say you need to actually read them first, well this is (probably) a good idea, but do bear in mind that we don't actually know if you've read it or not. And unlike, when you didn't read Hamlet in your 9th grade English class there is not going to be a surprise test on the matter.^{[citation needed]}

You should also go vote on Frosty's article(s) currently on VFH, it's the least you could do after he SINGLE HANDEDLY wrote this terrible newspaper for you. If you don't, the length of his e-penis will decrease considerably all because he didn't get another feature on a website with a userbase smaller than an Eastern Siberian village.

Biopic This week's biopic is the user named TheRealSexyFluttershy, which just goes to show how desperate we are for biopics that we are willing to write about literally anyone who shows a vague interest or presence in the site. TheRealSexyFluttershy can be found on The Internet Relay Chats discussing things that have relevance to ponies and poopdick on a disturbingly regular basis. However, he does occasionally make the odd presence on the Wiki and even more occasionally he makes useful edits to some page or another.

If you appreciate him go to his talk page and thank him for his noble contributions in the field of poopdick, if you don't appreciate him please feel free to spam his page with poopdick (although he may start furiously masturbating).

From The Logs

• 16:25, 25 July 2014 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled, autoblock disabled) (You look like you're doing something important right now. Are you? What is it? Why are you doing it? Did I break it? Would that be bad?)

• 11:46, 26 July 2014 Frosty (talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled) (Asking for it, begging for it actually.)

• 09:24, 29 July 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked 173.44.44.121 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (Now sit in your corner and think about what you've done)

Top VFH Competitors

• Rape (11/0)

• What's-his-name off that thing (10/0)

• F4 (10/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week You Are Gay (14/0)

From The Forums

• Vote if you haven't already!

• Bunch of sluts!

• This has been bumped again, add yourselves!

• How often should we feature things?

UnSignpost News Frosty thinks all the other administrators are highly useless. Yeah, sorry guys but you are.

Chat Quote [21:19] <sleeptyper> RAHB dislikes niggers

~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!)

22:44, 1 August 2014 (UTC)

Does this look infected to you? It's the UnSignpost![edit source]

Reading This Is The Mysterious Second Step To Getting Profit From Stealing Childrens' Underwear!

08 August 2014 • Issue #204 • Archives • Press Room

The return of TKF (sort of)! By Frosty

Filial Piety.

Not that much over a year ago, TKF left us with the classic "I'm quitting forever in a highly obnoxious and auto-fellating manor". For about 66 seconds Uncyclopedians everywhere were sad, we all fapped in sadness at the loss of our beloved TKF and things were never going to be quite the same again. Then we all thought to ourselves "good riddance, I hope he contracts Anthrax and dies."

No surprise, but he has come back under the highly illusive nickname "Argylesocks" which is obviously not somebodies sockpuppet because it contains the word socks in it. I mean, if you were a sockpuppet would you give it away so easily? Flawless logic! He can also be found on IRC chatting casually under the "dcik", showing his support for "The Dyslexia Support Foundation".

Head over to his user page and talk page to find out details about his awesome "Uncyclopedia Retrospect project" which is probably some grand social experiment documenting the life and times of hopeless losers on the internet, but hey it SOUNDED COOL.------------

Forum dramaz By Frosty
Uncyclopedia has recently had an infestation. An infestation of drama. Drama is bad mmkay? Aside from the obvious fact users get banned, users quit and people proceed to hate each other to the point where you would rub hot English Mustard into their prolapsed anus if you ever saw them in the street, drama distracts you from writing. As does reading the UnSignpost. But reading the UnSignpost is more constructive as the constant not so subliminal messaging telling you to write articles is plastered everywhere. WRITE ARTICLES.

But drama can be entertaining when coupled with cheap scotch and buttered popcorn to the humble obverser. But mainly it's bad, so stop it. No matter how funny you think your drama mongering will never compete with Asperger's Syndrome is no laughing matter... ...~~and the sequel~~ rest of the trilogy.

Biopic This week's biopic is Chaoarren, which if you haven't meet him yet... You suck basically. He can be found on IRC, occasionally editing the Wiki and frequently reporting established users to Ban patrol because "they made fun of him in his pink skirt" or "he smells funny". Chaoarren has also done the highly laughable feat of running dead last in the most vote rigged admin election in history, where losers like Kip the Dip and Colin actually stand a chance of ~~winning~~ losing.

He's also a noob that hasn't buggered off yet. I wish more of them were like you Chaoarren... I really do...

From The Logs

• 11:50, 6 August 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked 107.182.115.32 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (You are the weakest Chink. Goodbye.)

• 06:40, 6 August 2014 Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) blocked XReaper (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled) (Horse dick)

• 06:14, 5 August 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked 107.182.116.97 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (Enjoy this beefy cock.)

Top VFH Competitors

• Rape (12/1)

• F4 (11/0)

• Jared Leto (10/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week What's-his-name off that thing (12/0)

From The Forums

• Vote spam (again)

• Are you a bigger slut than RAHB?

• What this is I don't even

• This'll be good...

UnSignpost News Confucius say "Shut the fuck up and edit an article".

Chat Quote [20:17] <James_T> My dick is large

~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate)

~ Fri, Aug 8 '14 12:19 (UTC)

More {{Boner}}s than a ragged Playgirl: It's the UnSignpost![edit source]

Because Uncyclopedia is no laughing matter.

15 August 2014 • Issue #205 • Archives • Press Room

I'm back By Sir Peasewhizz

It was dark times being without Uncyclopedia. Maybe if I got out of the dark and went outside once in while it would be less dark. But you know, lazy me.

I plan to visit Uncyclopedia and do my 'thang (wink wink) at least once a week. But I hold no promises because you can't trust me. I'm a hoe and 3!OH!3 told you to NOT TRUST HOES.

However, I'm sure you guys found out why I was absent from the site for a good ~~200 years~~ 4+ months and it was because my old laptop KOed and I finally got a new one for school.

So that means I won't be uploading images of Madiq. (pictured)...

Madiq.

I missed you, just kidding, but really. However, I didn't forget you, maybe sometimes,

Is this a haiku or something? My grammar sucks too.------------

New admins for you!

By Sir Peasewhizz

New admins/sysops.

Beware everyone, as a result of this there is now an additional 8 new sysops/administrators. They all expect BJS and prizes.
Kip the Dip

Leverage

Supergeeky1

Banzaikitten

Mr-ex777

Colin "All your base" Heaney

Lost Labyrinth

Cat the Colourful

They expect sacrifices. So chop, chop. Make haste.

Biopic This weeks biopic is on someone who doesn't read Uncyclopedia (but they will because we will make them through laughter har har). Her name is Elizabeth and she's from Australia. She showed Sir Peasewhizz her tits...

They were nice. And that is it for today's Biopic. What the fuck did you expect? A fucking biography on the Borgia family?

From The Logs

• 05:37, August 13, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) resurrected Frosty (talk | contribs) (I felt bad ;_;)

• 05:36, August 13, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Adminning while drunk)

• 05:35, August 13, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) resurrected Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs)

Top VFH Competitors

• Humans (12/0)

• F4 (13/0)

• HowTo:Cure homosexuality (11/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week UnBooks:Holmes On Homes (16/0)

From The Forums

• Vote spam (again)

• Roman Dog Bird

• Unban a bastard or nah?

• Why is it? Well... because..

UnSignpost News This just in: Don't hit your children.

Chat Quote

[23:56] <SirPeasewhizz> I'm going to go watch anime

[23:57] <thefakeazned525> Which one?

[23:58] <SirPeasewhizz> Uhm Yugioh GX because I'm feeling nostalgic for shitty card games

~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate)

~ Fri, Aug 15 '14 20:05 (UTC)

We gave The UnSignpost an enema, so now it's regular![edit source]

I love it when the news comes together

22 August 2014 • Issue #206 • Archives • Press Room

It's the USP!

By Banzaikitten
Welcome to another no longer sporadic edition of Unsignpost. Yes, the quantity of USP's being written has gone through the roof in the last few weeks and as such there is absolutely nothing to report- hence why people who have previously never written one of these are being roped in. One thing of note that has changed is I am now an admin and as such can block RAHB with impunity. God I love to block RAHB. There is nothing quite like the fizzy rush in the root of your penis and the dizzy thrill you get in your anus when blocking RAHB. I urge all who can to try it.

Banzaikitten warns you that this UnSignpost may change your sexual orientation.

But anyway, I'm an admin now and I'm going to try and be the best admin that I can be, and judging from my recent attempt at changing the featured article, and all the admins reactions to my fuck up, the best admin I can be is one who does absolutely no administration work and just writes the occasional UnNews. Thanks for all your votes.------------

RAHBs Sexuality By Banzaikitten
I know I've already spoken about RAHB but god help me I just can't stop. We all like voting and there is a very important vote occuring right now. You, yes you, could decide what sexuality RAHB is. Come the end of the vote RAHB sexuality will be decided for him and he will have to perform sexual acts of that nature for the rest of time. I'm hoping Ponies wins.

Shame on you By the curate

As the curate and the moral compass of this sinful land I must say that I have been appalled at the terrible news that my milkman brought to me. Although I don't remember his exact words, I'll try to reconstruct his speech from my memory, which - and for this I thank God - I am still honored to possess, despite my respectable age.

“

Now, I heard Mr What's-his-name talk to his son about something he heard in the neighbor's house, which I didn't hear, but Mr. What's-his-name-again described it so well that I am positive I can repeat it almost word-by-word. So his neighbor was giving his dog its food and commenced discussing our village's events with it, Mrs. Elizabeth soon became the topic of the conversation, and she, as you know, has a daughter... And a cat. Oh, what a fine Siamese cat! But it is of no relation to our current subject. So e man and his pet chattered on and on and, apparently, that dog ... oh, I mean the man (but, you know, from a distance you really can't tell the difference) uttered that "Mrs. Elizabeth's daughter once read an educational page on the Internet, which talked about homosexuality and how you cure it." And can you guess who the author its author was? Mr. Frosty, the man who lives next door to you!

”

These were the words of the milkman. However, this isn't all. I was not terrified when I heard this, because teaching fellow villagers to cure an abominable disease, which homosexuality certainly is, is a commendable act from Mr. Frosty's part, especially if it was done with no impulse other than to save good Christians.

Alas, I, we have been greatly deceived in our trust! Beware of the appearances, especially when they are found on the unholy Internet!

Ah, wicked men! I, your curate, willing to help your ungrateful souls, decided to try the so-praised advice of Mr. Frosty on myself and proceeded to accomplish it yesterday. I did everything he said to the very last phrase and - I swear by the Holy Grail - it didn't work! Biopic bakpak2hvy is a guy who frequently lurks on our IRC without saying anything. The other day he said something.

From The Logs

• 15:59, August 16, 2014 Cat the Colourful (talk | contribs) blocked Chaoarren (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ([22:58] <Chaoarren> Can I get joke banned? :D)

• 15:00, August 15, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked DungeonSiegeAddict510 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second (As you aided my quest to take over Uncyclopedia, have a block. I was meant to give this to you earlier but you were already banned for 40 minutes. Have a 1 second extension!)

• 05:57, August 15, 2014 Banzaikitten (talk | contribs) blocked Cat the Colourful (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 10 seconds (Fuck Finland)

Top VFH Competitors

• Humans (12/1)

• UnDebate:What does the fox say? (13/2)

• Jared Leto (11/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week F4 (13/0)

From The Forums

• Olipro is a dick-tator.

• Vote for rainbow names?!

• Vote on RAHB's sexuality.

• View this if you're feeling hot.

UnSignpost News

Chat Quote
[17:16] <Banzaikitten> so I wrote the USP kind of
[17:16] <Banzaikitten> its entirely about RAHB
[17:16] <RAHB> Awesome

~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate)

~ Fri, Aug 22 '14 2:10 (UTC)

OMG! A WILD USP IS ON THE LOOSE![edit source]

Woop Woop! it's the sound of the ~~Police~~ UnSignpost!

7 September 2014 • Issue #207 • Archives • Press Room

Returning MASTERMINDS

By Sir Peasewhizz
Hi, My name is Sir Peasewhizz. Stop throwing tomatoes you assholes! STAHP! READER PLS. STAHP.

Okay, so what is really going on, you may say? 'I'm about to fucking tell you. Enjoy.

The legendary Xamralco, who pwns.

Did you know that every ten seconds: another ten seconds kicks in? Yeah, mind equals blown right now, eh? Did you know that the return of one legendary user triggers other legendary users to return as well? When Argylesocks returned from his previous state (not Blue Mountain), it only was a matter of time until the legend named MadMax returned from his couple-of-months-long sojourn in the wild country known as Ethiopia. MadMax does not steal the few supplies of food Ethiopia has, you sick fuck! HE HAS A SOUL.

For those who have heard of the legendary Xamralco, he has returned to. He is an admin and a fantastic writer. We love him. You love. YOU LOVE HIM.

Okay? Okay.

Now if anyone sees Dawg, slap him and tell him to come back. And for Olipro... gosh. I can't even.------------

Vote for highlights, you giant boner goblins.

By Sir Peasewhizz

Here is a random picture of a stack of gold. Craving it? Good.

We were once surpassing the votes per article goal of 10 not much longer than a week ago. SHAME! HOW COULD WE HAVE LET THIS DROP TO NEARLY 5 OUT OF 10?! EVERYBODY, HEADS DOWN!

When I say you can put your heads up, you will all go and vote on the feature nominations. Okay? And no laughing or detention!

Biopic For this edition of your favorite paper, the USP, we had the chance to get the Biopic for one of the biggest badasses to ever live. That person/thingy/chatter was auror, whom we found frolicking in our IRC channel one evening.

When we asked auror if she would like to be Biopic'ed (did I spell that right? SPELL CHECK PLS) she gave a powerful speech.

“

no

”

Thank you! Give it up for auror!

From The Logs

• 00:54, September 1, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked IlanaZkhfzm (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (user did not suck Leverage's cock as promised)

• 16:02, August 31, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked AleidaJbjo (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (sister did not suck my cock as promised)

• 12:24, August 29, 2014 Kip the Dip (talk | contribs) blocked Electric Pope (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 7 centuries, 4 decades, 8 years, 364 days, 14 hours, 38 minutes and 24 seconds (Annoying douchebag.)

Top VFH Competitors

• Shirley Phelps-Roper (8/0)

• Rape (12/6)

• UnNews:Everyone who hates ice bucket challenge donating money to charity (7/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week Psychedelic Rosie and Her Coat of Many Colors (9/0)

From The Forums

• Sir Peasewhizz came up with a great idea apparently, but nobody has replied. So screw his idea.

• Leverage wants people to update/add/fladangle with the DYK shit. Shall we? We should. Maybe. Idk. DO IT.

• Inspiring parody

• UnMedicine project page? Is anyone here a doctor? WELL THEN YOU'RE A NERD!

UnSignpost News The USP will be delivered on Sundays now. (or around then)

Chat Quote
[17:42] <ColinAYB> Kippy is forever topical

[17:42] <ColinAYB> Just like the lotion he uses when he takes it to the hub.

[17:46] <Kippy> You don't even need to see all the nudity to take it to the hub.

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 02:51, 7 September 2014 (UTC)

Unsignpost delivery attempt numbr hideous implosion[edit source]

The Newspaper That Openly Admits Its Liberal And Conservative Biases!

14 September 2014 • Issue #208 • Archives • Press Room

Pee Review pls

By Sir Peasewhizz
Hi, My name is Sir Peasewhizz. Stop hurling babies at me! STAHP! READER PLS. STAHP.

It is days like these when I realize what a cruel world we live in. It seems that Pee Review has bitten the dust. For just a few minutes of your day ~~and some cash~~ you can help solve this crisis. Seriously, you hoes.

Piss on my review quests.

Olipro is gay.------------

Vote for highlights, you giant boner goblins.

By Sir Peasewhizz

Here is a random picture of a stack of gold. Craving it? Good.

We were once surpassing the votes per article goal of 10 not much longer than a week ago. SHAME! HOW COULD WE HAVE LET THIS DROP TO NEARLY 5 OUT OF 10?! EVERYBODY, HEADS DOWN!

When I say you can put your heads up, you will all go and vote on the feature nominations. Okay? And no laughing or detention!

Yes, I copied this from the last issue of the USP, you boner goblins. That picture of gold? That was also from the last issue, as well.

Uncyclopedia App

By Anton199

There has recently (a certain amount of time before the latest UnSignpost issue) been a lot of talk about creating an Uncyclopedia App as well as an Uncyclospecies. The idea consists in producing and selling the app which will transform all the human beings who use them into Uncyclopedians. The majority of the users (about 50% of those two who really participated) found this idea great (think that it is funny to talk about) and maybe even began working on it (asked someone else to think about it). Nothing else is known about them, as they disappeared soon after the first experiments were held.

The main problem this project has is that, in fact, nobody knows how to create an app. In addition to this, there is no money, as most of it was spent on Ferraris, that were supposed to bring more money but didn't. Finally, some people think that it might be harmful for the environment (nobody cares).

The project is currently being discussed (some users still post random spam on the forum) and with a certain probability the app is going to be created in nearby future (it is never going be to created but some people do think about it). Biopic Alas, an actual Biopic for SEPTEMBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Today, the Biopic will be on a man who carries the identity, MrC. He was doing some hardcore crunches while he was surfing the IRC and thus we gained a little more info this is a run on sentence fuk yea murica.

His origin: "Some Uncyclopedians messed around in another channel recently. After hearing all the stories and rumors, I figured I'd like to see for myself."

So when we asked MrC if he could tell us how to get, how to get to Sesame Street, he said "I don't know... bribe Cookie Monster with a cookie?"

There you have it, words of wisdom BOOI!

From The Logs

• 22:20, September 10, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked LorrineLundy (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Orange is the new black. Welcome to Internet Jail, Lorrine.)

• 22:14, September 10, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked CharissSparrow (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Dude, your gay porn name is lame)

• 22:12, September 10, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked VictorForest (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Eat my crotch-forest, Victor.)

Top VFH Competitors

• UnNews:Everyone who hates ice bucket challenge donating money to charity (8/1)

• My Yu-Gi-Oh! collection (6/0)

• A letter about Megan Fox (6/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week Shirley Phelps-Roper (9/0)

From The Forums

• Piss on these

• Proposal of Changes

• Drugs?

• Allahland...

UnSignpost News Hi. This is a lazy edition of the UnSignpost.

Chat Quote
[21:46] Star651 has quit (Quit: Page closed)

[21:46] SirPeasewhizz: NOOOOO

[21:46] SirPeasewhziz: BAE

Brace Yourselves, The UnSignpost is Coming![edit source]

The Newspaper That Won't Judge You!

21 September 2014 • Issue #209 • Archives • Press Room

IMPERIAL COLONIZATION OR NAH? By Sir Peasewhizz

SUCK MY ASSSS!

Previously, in the past, Uncyclopedia has done a project called Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization, which ~~mimics~~ is a battle against crap-quality articles. We recently have finished the colonization of Albert Einstein, because fuck we didn't need a good article on him before amiright?

Anyways I'm telling you this because it would be soooo sweet if we could get this running again... and I kinda need Xamralco or any other admin to combine histories again because I just found out I shouldn't have moved the project myself...------------

Vote for highlights, you giant boner goblins. (third issue in a row)

By Sir Peasewhizz

Here is a random picture of a stack of gold. Craving it? Good.

We were once surpassing the votes per article goal of 10 not much longer than a week ago. SHAME! HOW COULD WE HAVE LET THIS DROP TO NEARLY 5 OUT OF 10?! EVERYBODY, HEADS DOWN!

When I say you can put your heads up, you will all go and vote on the feature nominations. Okay? And no laughing or detention!

Wow a third week of using the same entry in a row? GEEZ.

Biopic Nahhh. I don't really feel like it!

From The Logs

• 13:13, September 17, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked WolfganKix (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Wolfgan's arse is going to get Kix if he doesn't stop making accounts here.)

• 13:12, September 17, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked JanetteMelton (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (You brought your girlfriend with you? How sweet. She can fuck off too once she's tossed me off.)

• 13:11, September 17, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked AndreBecker (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (OMG A SPAMBOT! I've missed seeing you around man. Where you been these past few days? It's been so emotional. Okay, emotional reunion is over. Now fuck off.)

Top VFH Competitors

• Antibiotics (9/0)

• My Yu-Gi-Oh! collection (9/0)

• Firesheep (8/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week Ludwig Wittgenstein (9/0)

From The Forums

• Enter On This day submissions, plz.

• Mobile issues

• Sorry, I don't speak Cuntenese. (Bot rights or something)

• Mass ~~massaging~~ messaging can now be used by the admins!!

UnSignpost News Please VFH, Colonize, etc.

Chat Quote
[15:07] bakpak2hvy is edible.

[15:07] TheFakeazneD525 chews on bakpak2hvy

The USP is coming for you! (and your little dog too)[edit source]

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

28 September 2014 • Issue #210 • Archives • Press Room

Incoming October bullshit

By Sir Peasewhizz
So apparently, October follows September. As we all know, Halloween follows September. This means that I get to make a suggestion, amirite?

So I was thinking long and hard one day (which was literally five minutes not twenty-four hours) about something cool we could do for Halloween this year. No, I don't mean egg your neighbor's house... I was thinking maybe we could feature something on Halloween?

Okay yes, I know this is something we basically do every year, and I know you are reading this preparing to accuse me of filling space... and you'd be right.

Biopic Nahhh. I don't really feel like it!

From The Logs

• 12:34, September 25, 2014 Colin "All your base" Heaney (talk | contribs) blocked Banzaikitten (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 hour and 9 minutes (You're like the Grinch, except it's your cock that's three sizes too small.)

• 14:35, September 24, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked 173.213.80.213 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Your free trial of Uncyclopedia has expired.)

• 07:05, September 24, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked JessieTedesco (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (fuck Jessie Tedesco, he gets his clothes from Tecso)

Top VFH Competitors

• Nouvelle cuisine (10/0)

• HowTo:Fry an egg (9/0)

• Firesheep (9/1)

VFH Highlight Of The Week UnNews:Obama to outline IS strategy after consulting Stonehenge gods (10/0)

From The Forums

• Which one of you heathens killed Pee Review?

• Here is where you tell about your new articles.

• Vote on this, it's not getting attention.

• Don't smoke the dope, kids.

UnSignpost News Please VFH, Colonize, etc.

Chat Quote
<ColinAYB> Actually his lips did sink ships

<ColinAYB> In the sense that he sucked e

Excuse me, sir, do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, the USP?[edit source]

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

5 October • Issue #211 • Archives • Press Room

Uncyclopedia's preparations for Ebola By Sir Peasewhizz

Gross.

As we all know, a Texan man has brought the Ebola virus to the United States of America. And as country, we are all freaking out. Even Obama, who never freaks out, has freaked out. He now refuses to kiss Michelle because he has become a germophobe.

Anywho, we here at Uncyclopedia have determined that Ebola can be avoided by simple measures. We encourage everyone to wash their hands, especially after ferocious masturbation. Remember kids, diseases come for hookers. So stay away from hookers as well.

Biopic Nahhh. I don't really feel like it again!

From The Logs

• 12:34, September 25, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked 178.137.80.72 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (dickery)

• 15:07, September 28, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked 23.231.7.217 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (The Maitri Inthusut has ordered us to block editing permanently for all residents of the Phuket Province.)

• 13:39, September 28, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked Leanna Hollway (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (she wouldn't go the "holl way" with me)

Top VFH Competitors

• White-haired Asian Scientist (8/0)

• Bluestocking (8/1)

• Aries (6/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week Firesheep (10/1)

From The Forums

• Which one of you heathens killed Pee Review?

• Here is where you tell about your new articles.

• Vote on this, it's not getting attention.

• No more silly rules

UnSignpost News Shabidoo's competition has begun.

Chat Quote
<Denza252> ephemey: am i trololololololing?

dicks lol: It's UnSignpost time![edit source]

Because if the rumors don't spread at the salon, we must spread them in the news.

19 October • Issue #212 • Archives • Press Room

Hi

By Sir Peasewhizz
Do u think we should cancel the USP

Anyone

Biopic Nahhh. I don't really feel like it againnn!

From The Logs

• 02:04, October 12, 2014 Xamralco (talk | contribs) resurrected Xamralco (talk | contribs) (I have frostbite on my nipples.)

• 01:58, October 12, 2014 Frosty (talk | contribs) blocked Xamralco (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 years, 6 hours, 32 minutes and 24 seconds (Obligatory retaliation ban)

• 01:46, October 12, 2014 Xamralco (talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 seconds (Obligatory welcome back block)

Top VFH Competitors

• Richard M. Nixon (8/0)

• Why?:Eat a full English Breakfast (8/0)

• Antiques Road Rage Show (8/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week UnDebate:Should women rap? (10/0)

From The Forums

• FFW2014

• FFW2014 (for pussies)

• That time I nearly sojourned on a village dump or a short and repetitive story about what it's like to read short and repetitive articles

• This gay forum about renaming the site... PISS ON THIS

UnSignpost News Shabidoo's competition has ended.

Chat Quote None

The UnSignpost is back, baby! (And also a little bit of front)[edit source]

The Newspaper That Contains Neither News Nor Paper.

9 November • Issue #213 • Archives • Press Room

Donate ~~your soul~~ to Uncyclopedia!

By Sir Peasewhizz
Before time began there was the cube. Wait, hold on... yeah wrong script. Okay, let's start again. Before the internet was cool, there was no Uncyclopedia. This is because before Uncyclopedia was a website, there was this awful site for information that anybody could edit called Wikipedia. There was also catfishes and cocks.

That all changed back in 2005. When Uncyclopedia was established/founded/spawned/born/emerged/created, the internet took off. Not literally, but metaphorically... or something. The fact remains that the world, with the introduction of Unyclopedia, began to gain faith in the internet. The Amish began to use electricity after Uncyclopedia was established!

And our legacy could fade away; not unlike my basketball trick shot.

All jokes aside, Uncyclopedia may be content-free, as one could say, but it is not free to run. Uncyclopedia runs on a server and this requires money. We don't mean like the billions Obama requires, but it still needs a bit of money to be a legendary thing.

How does Wikipedia stay up then? Well, we're not Wikipedia. We're run by no employees and we're instead run by dedicated users who spend their time editing/fucking with the site that they love. Uncyclopedia is nearly ten years old, so it's not like the joy of "uncyclopediating" isn't real. It's in the Webster Dictionary.

Not every one is rich either, in fact, we're all kinda bland. Money doesn't grow on trees. Now we're not gonna hold you for ransom and we sure as hell aren't going to guilt you into donating to our cause... but think about the children that would starve without us!

Basically, read more about it here. Thanks for your time.

If you can't donate, don't. We won't force you to do something we can't ourselves.

And another thing you could do besides donate is spread the word or buy something from our store.

Anyone

Biopic You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it!

From The Logs

• 05:54, November 7, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked DickSankthptxd with an expiry time of infinite (talk | contribs) (his dick sank)

• 22:48, October 29, 2014 Xamralco (talk | contribs) blocked 50.115.173.177 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month (made me read some gay book)

• 15:45, October 29, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked Zficysll (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Why bother trying to spam Uncyclopedia? If you're as good with girls as you are at hitting abuse filters then I'm sure you'll have no problem getting laid.)

Top VFH Competitors

• Dag Hammarskjöld (8/0)

• UnNews:Wrestlemania 87 commentary LIVE! (10/2)

• Electricity (8/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week President Hoover (11/1)

From The Forums

• Comeback of the Year

• Read about donating here.

• Parody of Wikipedia banner

• Someone who is good with WikiStats should look here.

UnSignpost News Donate to Uncyclopedia if you can.

Chat Quote None.

Re-feature queue[edit source]

If you want, you can go to Uncyclopedia:Re-feature queue/Nominate and pick one featured article that you wrote to be re-featured. You can also pick three features written by someone else to re-feature. -- Sir Xam Ralco the Mediocre 18:23, 17 November 2014 (UTC)

Thanks for the invite. Good idea! Cheers!!!--Funny bony

19:21, Nov 17

Vote, Vote, Vote[edit source]

It's that time of the year again! We're going to be showing off our Top Ten Articles of 2014 soon but so far, very few people have voted. It's all up to you to decide what's the best of the best! Go to Forum:Top 10 Articles of 2014 and vote now! -- Sir Xam Ralco the Mediocre 02:23, 30 January 2015 (UTC)

Remember when people used to be active at least once a year?[edit source]

Kevin Spacey and Brad Pit in the same movie lol

Super awesome happy "Seven deadly sins" competition where Shabidoo will win and everyone else colapses into suicidal depression fun week!!! SIGN UP!!! ShabiDOO 14:40, 15 May 2016 (UTC)

--- Love ya all--Funny bony

19:44, Jan 18

Welcome back.[edit source]

Hey Funnybony. You should swing by our Discord server - it's where all of the active site members hang out. Cheers, and good to see you around. :) →L A B O R A T O R I E S 02:29 21 May 2019

Happy Monkey Competition 2021[edit source]

Hey its HAPPY MONKEY TIME 2021 (Feb 21-28). Your favourite writing competition where we write articles on one another's suggested topics. Go ahead and sign up because the more users we have competiting the more ridonculously fun it is. If you don't wanna write you can sign up to judge! Sing up here. Remember it's not about writing a sure fire VFH article, but pushing the limits of your originality and creativity and spitting out an article on a topic you had never thought about writing before. Also...Shabidoo will love you forever and owe you like a zillion favours for it. He will literally do anything to please you if it means you participate. Happy Monkey Farts!!! ShabiDOO 15:44, 10 February 2021 (UTC)

UnSignpost Home Delivery for May 1st, 2021[edit source]

Th-the m-m-most con-confident new-Newspaper in a wh-while

1 May 2021 • Issue #215 • Archives • Press Room

Most Active Admin Gets Promoted to Bureaucrat, Transitions to Female By Cassie

Following an incredible (by 2021 Uncyclopedian standards) 16 VFS votes, Uncyclopedia's most active administrator has initiated their transition to female. Said admin, now known publicly as Cassie, has had a talk page that often inflated by 80,000 bytes or more weekly, and singlehandedly managed a vast variety of things, including (but not limited to): vandal whipping, being the school principal, managing VFH, and more.
"Vandalism, eh? Fuck off already," they said, whilst throwing bags of feces at our new dumpyard.------------

Vote for Sandwiches: Triple Resignation, Quintuple the Drama By Cassie
Following the resignation of two of our longtimemost bureaucrats, EMC and Zombiebaron, in addition to the resignation of admin CandidToaster, a new wave rejuvenated much of the now-ancient television show Vote for Sandwiches. MrX and Hipponias quickly climbed the ranks; Shabidoo received the same treatment, but ultimately withdrew. Zana Dark and JJPMaster were both nominated for a new category, interface operator, instead of the traditional sandwich role granted.

Uncyclopedia's Technologies are Finally Modernized By Cassie
it has been a long time in the making, but Uncyclopedia's editing technologies have finally been optimized for the new decade. An introduction of a new extended-confirmed protection level has enabled famous articles, such as AAAAAAAAA!, to see the light of commoners' editing again. Utilities such as Huggle, RedWarn, CurateThisPage, autoarchiving, and a lot more has been implemented thanks to JJPMaster. Many gnomes have been working on this; as such, please treat their work with respect! Biopic This edition's biopic is about the joy of templating. Templating is a fine art which can be practiced on Uncyclopedia, its parody Wikipedia, and so many other places. It can furthermore be expanded to "module coding", which produces the same stuff albeit in a much more efficient and dynamic way. Come try templating now!

From The Logs

• 1 May 2021 Cassie renamed user Redacted (8224 edits) to Cassie (Per message here)

• 10 April 2021‎ JJPMaster (38 bytes) (-13)‎ . . (Reverting edit(s) by Gale5050 (talk) to rev. 6045969 by Celeste:shhhhhhhhhhh (RW 16.1dev))

• 22 February 2021 Cassie blocked JJPMaster with an expiration time of 4 hours and 20 minutes (account creation disabled) (You [[Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit

Top VFH Competitors

• User:Zombiebaron/Resignation (9/2)

• UnNews:As Bernie Sanders starts his second term, we reflect on his Presidency so far (5.5/4)

• Patent nonsense on Wheels! (1/2.5)

VFH Highlight Of The Week COVID-19 (6/1)

From The Forums

• We are still learning how to count. Albeit much faster.

• Gale5050.

• There is nothing to worry about! Right?

• Gale5050 again. Or not.

UnSignpost News Following 1.5+ years of hiatus, Cassie has taken the lead, in a unilateral albeit undramatic manner, and has designated themselves as the lead editor of the UnSignpost.

Chat Quote Supergeeky1: Boner.

Hey, you're back..[edit source]

How are you? Where are you? Did you leave again? – (ooh!) (aah!) ...·º•ø®@» LEG CUN GUN DUN 23:21, 5 September 2021

Definitely miss Funnybony. ShabiDOO 23:49, 5 September 2021 (UTC)

Do Not Resuscitate

Congratulations! You have hereby received the Do Not Resuscitate Award for extreme inactivity and noticeable unresponsiveness. We can't say that we blame you. Hey, we've been pretty busy too. Always afk, movin' and shakin' – you probably just have a lot of balls in the air. Well so long Grandma, and thanks for all the fish .

Awarded on: 15 September 2021

X(X( – (ooh!) (aah!) ...·º•ø®@» LEG CUN GUN DUN 16:54, 15 September 2021

It's beginning to look a lot like…[edit source]

See you next year! The first annual *Kiss My Ass* Holiday Competition has officially ended for 2021

Up for grabs is the coveted Clark Griswold Award for Holiday Cheer. Who will be crowned Holiday Victor?

Judgement day is upon ye!

Seasons Greetings!

It's that special time of year. A wonderful time for friends and family to rejoice in gaiety. Not you! You usually spend all of your hard-earned money on gifts for them, and now you just want to hibernate until your finances recuperate. Well, here at Uncyclopedia, entering our newest competition won't cost you a penny — Sign Up Today! (pretty please) – (ooh!) (aah!) ...·º•ø®@» LEG CUN GUN DUN 13:17, 13 December 2021

[1] This is a lie.

[2] As it turns out, the source happened to be a small wall clock that inexplicably follows him around, hovering in the air, everywhere he goes. Scientists are debating what this means to the future of space travel.

[3] Wow, self-reference much?

[1]

[1]

[1]

User talk:Funnybony

December 24[edit source]

I've decided[edit source]

Much Thanks![edit source]

Sappy New Year[edit source]

Mutaween[edit source]

Congrats[edit source]

Drop your pants and grab the eggnog! It's the UnSignpost.[edit source]

Unerectable, ah, Untouchable[edit source]

Cheers!!![edit source]

UnSignpost sez, "Give Pease a Chance!"[edit source]

Unsignpost - 20130119042144 gibberish asdf[edit source]

Unsignpost - 20130124050125 gibberish asdf[edit source]

Unsignpost - 20130131002159 gibberish asdf[edit source]

Unsignpost - 20130207013217 gibberish asdf[edit source]

It is the day of USP love, Valentine’s Day[edit source]

Crikey! It’s a rare, wild UnSignpost![edit source]

Surprise, Motherfucker, USP[edit source]

I thought I heard the Imperial March. USP time, everybody![edit source]

Can I have some salad with my UnSignpost?[edit source]

OMG HIIII-EEE[edit source]

Hey! Would you like to do a collaboration?[edit source]

Happy Monkey[edit source]

People like the UnSignpost because it’s hot! It has the best graphics and everything. Marcus, USP! Step yo’ game up![edit source]

UnSignpost’s BONER TIME![edit source]

This isn’t an April Fool’s Day Prank! This is the UnSignpost![edit source]

The Misunderstood[edit source]

Hey[edit source]

Badass guitar treat[edit source]

UnSignpost Time, Folks! I repeat, UnSignpost Time![edit source]

UnSignpost, late and lazy![edit source]

The 2 Days Tardy USP![edit source]

Week-old news two weeks late: The UnSignpost![edit source]

UnSignpost is back[edit source]

The UnSignpost: a brilliant new format but less news[edit source]

Dear Abby[edit source]

UnSignpost: yet another new format but still less news[edit source]

Funnybony!![edit source]

Something which might a muse you maybe[edit source]

It's back! - The UnSignpost[edit source]

Two weeks in a row? A new record! It's the UnSignpost[edit source]

Does this look infected to you? It's the UnSignpost![edit source]

More {{Boner}}s than a ragged Playgirl: It's the UnSignpost![edit source]

We gave The UnSignpost an enema, so now it's regular![edit source]

OMG! A WILD USP IS ON THE LOOSE![edit source]

Unsignpost delivery attempt numbr hideous implosion[edit source]

Brace Yourselves, The UnSignpost is Coming![edit source]

The USP is coming for you! (and your little dog too)[edit source]

Excuse me, sir, do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, the USP?[edit source]

dicks lol: It's UnSignpost time![edit source]

The UnSignpost is back, baby! (And also a little bit of front)[edit source]

Re-feature queue[edit source]

Vote, Vote, Vote[edit source]

Remember when people used to be active at least once a year?[edit source]

Welcome back.[edit source]

Happy Monkey Competition 2021[edit source]

UnSignpost Home Delivery for May 1st, 2021[edit source]

Hey, you're back..[edit source]

It's beginning to look a lot like…[edit source]

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