UnNews:Facts destroy satire

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Sunday, November 8, 2020

I will kill satire!

On November 7, 2020, facts conspired to ruin the art of satire in North Philadelphia, and as of this writing, they have succeeded.

The powers that be are meeting tonight to determine whether there is any further need for satire, as facts have hit the deepest depth of ridiculousness and given satire little if any wiggle room for expression. President Donald Trump's personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani, once a hero of the victims of the enemies of towers, conducted a press conference defending his client at a "four seasons" business in the city, giving every reasonable person left in the Republican Party the impression that they had enough clout left for a respectable hotel chain. In fact, the conference was at a storage facility of the same name. Or something. The details about which we, along with the entire god damn nation, don't actually fucking care.

At the time slated for the press conference, there was literally no press at the facility - only a handful of either fairly-paid shills or less likely sycophantic idiots - to hear the Trump campaign's litany of baseless allegations of voter fraud, which amounts pretty much to one guy in Atlanta who tried to register his dead mom. RIP, Madge. The rest of the press following these clowns sort of showed up at the hotel of the same name, then when they realized there was this business name misunderstanding (a word I use facetiously, as if there is any satire left in the world) kind of shrugged and said "Whatever" and left. And that was only CNN's prettiest and youngest correspondents. Fox News didn't even show up.

The cohort of satirists that are managing this event have, as of this writing, determined that there is literally no way to satirize this ridiculous event that is funnier or more socially skewering than the story itself, which is, despite Rick Santorum and John Kasich's strong objections that this party is somehow still reasonable, objectively funnier than anything any satire web site - and that includes The Onion - has ever produced.

We regret to inform our readers that satire is officially destroyed.