UnNews:Mitt Romney struggling to find more elegant ways to say he is a pandering, mendacious ass

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19 September 2012

Unlike Romney's gaffes, Uncle Scrooge's money-pile dives were always elegant.

COSTA MESA, California -- The Romney campaign is struggling today to find ways for the candidate to achieve greater levels of elegance when revealing himself to be a lying, gluttonous money-grubber with no compassion for Americans significantly below his tax bracket.

"It turns out there are not very many elegant ways to say Mitt is a tax-evading scumbag," campaign spokesperson Garrett Jackson said. "That's why so many of the wealth-pandering views he has espoused lately are, as he said, not elegantly stated."

While it is true that being a greedy rich bastard that Disney's Uncle Scrooge would envy has found him in support of political positions that are largely seen as elitist, compassionless and downright cruel to anyone making less than $250,000 per year, the campaign is confident that they can find ways to say so without making Romney look like a hideous blood-sucking vampire.

"For instance, instead of directly stating 'off-the-cuff' that the 47 percent of people who didn't pay taxes in a given year are victim-playing leaches who shouldn't feel entitled to food, he could instead say that those who find themselves in an untaxed economic situation in a given year - regardless of the common reality that most of them have and will contribute taxes in other years - may wish to see if they can borrow some food from their parents instead of plucking coins from the piles he swims in gleefully. That may be a little more elegant."

Whether or not the campaign can successfully find elegant alternatives to statements like "Corporations are people, my friend", "I like to fire people", and the decidedly inelegant "I'm not concerned about the very poor", at the very least his advisors plan to make sure he remains on the cuff.


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