UnNews:Politically opposed office straw men burn each other down

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26 October 2012

At one point Crow took McMann out back and ripped his "god damn corporation-loving head off".

SPRINGFIELD, IL -- In a sad display of straw man horror, two politically opposed office workers made entirely of straw have burned each other to ash here with their flaming hot breath.

Straw man Robert Crow, a self-described liberal Democrat whose main concern - if he would really think about it and get past all the other frankly meaningless and overblown bigotry rhetoric - is economic prosperity, which he sees as benefiting best when a fair, tiered, properly enforced tax contributes to a Keynsian-based economy with strong public and private sectors alike and can point to empirical, historical evidence to back it up, if asked, was heard screaming "You anti-immigrant, environment-wrecking, woman-hating, racist bigot!" to his office mate Randall McMann, a conservative Tea Party supporter, who - if he could ever get past his ridiculous notions equating left-leaning policy to the miserably untenable concept of socialism - is really mostly concerned about a strong economy, which he believes thrives best when the government's roles in both regulating and taxing corporations are significantly reduced, thereby freeing them and their bottom line to create jobs and generate income.

McMann, for his part, shouted back, "You're nothing but a socialist! How can you deny it? Everything you believe in amounts to redistribution of wealth, period!'

Crow retorted, "So you don't think we should have roads? Fire fighters? Police?"

"You think the government is our nanny! Big Brother is watching us! That's what you want! You're just an idiot!"

"You want to shut down libraries! You want every road to be private! You're a moron!"

"You hate freedom! You want lazy illegal immigrants to have all my hard-earned money! You're a socialist!"

"You hate freedom! You want heartless corporations to have ultimate power! You're a fascist!"

The argument went on ad nauseum, never once focusing on the issues that are actually concerning them, deep-down, and the implementation of which could actually affect them personally. The few thoughtful liberals and conservatives in the office were unheard, as it was not easy to histrionically shout the nuanced and complex debate points that they wanted to make.

Eventually both straw men were burned thoroughly to ash by the heated rhetoric. As a result, voter turnout is expected to be reduced significantly, as the two of them alone amounted to a fairly large percent of the expected total, the paltriness of which was due to the fact that the election process consists pretty much entirely of the type of behavior that Crow and McMann had just displayed.