UnNews:Lance Armstrong cancer titles annulled

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29 August 2012

Cycling history will be rewritten, as cancer will now be considered the sport's greatest competitor ever.

AUSTIN, Texas, USA -- In light of the all-but-confirmed doping allegations against disgraced American cyclist Lance Armstrong, the governing body of the American Cancer Society has voted unanimously to strip Armstrong of his cancer-survivor label.

"The label of cancer-survivor is a respectable, historic appelation," said ACS spokesperson Mel Anoma, "and one that millions of rule-abiding, non-doping Americans humbly cherish and honor. To have the name sullied by this - I'll just say it - cheater is a disservice to everyone who has ever beaten this insidious disease."

Although he is aware that cancer cannot retroactively beat Armstrong as a result of the label change, Anoma insists that it is still the right move. "It's true we can't change what has happened in the past, but as far as the history book on cancer survival is concerned, Mr. Armstrong is not on the list." When asked if this means that Armstrong is considered dead by the ACS, Anoma declined to be specific. "As far as our records are concerned, his survival of stage three testicular cancer which spread to his lungs, abdomen and brain, through the use of a cutting-edge and highly promising experimental cisplatinum treatment, simply did not happen."

When informed of the ACS's decision, Armstrong replied, "Look - I gave up my fight against the USADA doping charges and against the Tour de France officials stripping me of my titles, because, let's face it - I was doping. I'm a big fat cheater who has done irreperable damage to the sport I was pretending to champion. I'm probably the lowest of the low as far as athletic competition is concerned. I mean, literally decades of cycling history are ruined by my cheating little white ass. I own that. But I never gave up my fight against cancer, and I won it fair and square. This really sucks."

Sources

• Rick Maese "Lance Armstrong stripped and beaten" Washington Post, August 24, 2012