UnNews:Obama Unveils Ambitious Tit Access Package
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
25 June 2009
President Obama today held a press conference to present his plan for ensuring that every man in America is getting all the tits he needs. The Tit Access Package, aka TAP, as in "I'd TAP that!", generously expands the access that every man in America has to the tits he needs. Following is a partial transcript of the press conference:
REPORTER: Ed Blanc, Washington Post. Mr. President, can you explain how your plan opens up access to tits for men who today may not have adequate access due to factors beyond his control, such as ugliness, lack of game, lack of funds, or the sheer stinginess of the tits around him?
OBAMA: Good question. Our vision is to see that each and every American man, in as much as he wants them, is given equal access to the kind of tits that get him off personally. We know that for each man, this tit is different; for one it's petite, firm and perky. While for another, it's large, nicely hanging and sexy. But in any case, I can promise that the tits he seeks will be available to him by our plan.
REPORTER: But how does it accomplish this? Other such plans have failed in the past.
OBAMA: With our plan, the mitigating factors are eliminated; a man will get his tits. Now, he may have to settle for a less than ideal pair, due to those mitigating factors you listed, for instance. But our research has shown that for such men, tits are tits, and standards can be adjusted where the need to do so is the greatest.
REPORTER: So you're saying that the ugly dudes will continue to be limited to the flat or badly sagging tits, as he is today?
OBAMA: Ed, look. What I'm saying is, if today you are not getting any tits, tomorrow, with my signature on this package, you will.
REPORTER: Joan Savage, New York Times. What about women who want tits? Does this package serve them?
OBAMA: That's a legitimate question, and I assure you that I personally have my hands deep in this issue. My staff has done extensive research, and it is our finding that lesbians are getting all the tits they crave, and that includes the real lesbians as well as the hot ones. So, no, there is no provision for women in this package for right now.
REPORTER: Jim Gage, San Jose Mercury-News. Mr. President, can you say that you yourself feel the urgency personally to bring this change about? Putting it frankly, are you, sir, getting all the tits you need?
OBAMA: For the time being, my tit access is limited to Michelle's exclusively. And sure, as you can see for yourself, that's some good tits. But yes, I would have to say that I'm no different from any other man, and I could use a boost in this area, just like Joe the Plumber, or Mike the Accountant, or Kobe the Ball Player.
REPORTER: Do you foresee any opposition to your plan?
OBAMA: Who could be opposed to getting tits?
REPORTER: Well, some women might wish to be more choosy about whom to give it up to than this package affords.
OBAMA: Look. We are in a time of great crisis in this country right now. And getting out of it will take sacrifice, determination and will power. Now, time after time I have seen Americans step up in times of trouble, and make the kind of sacrifice that the times demand. So some of us will have to put out more than we are, some of us will have to be pulling the tits out on a more regular basis. And that's how it has to be. And I am certain that our female Americans are going to be more than willing to step up this time and do their part to save this country from this unbearable titlessness crisis. I thank you very much.