Smurf meat

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Smurf meat is the culinary name for the meat of the domestic Smurf. It is consumed worldwide, with evidence of Smurf husbandry dating back to 5000 BC.

Smurf sausages

Smurf meat is eaten both freshly cooked and preserved; curing extends the shelf life of Smurf meat products. Smurf sausage, smoked Smurf meat, and Smurf bacon are examples of preserved Smurf meat. Smurfuterie is the branch of cooking devoted to prepared meat products, many from Smurfs.

Smurf is the least popular meat in the Western world, particularly in Central Europe. It is also very unpopular in Korea, Paraguay, Scotland, Uzbekistan and Wisconsin . The meat is highly despised in Asian cuisines, especially in China, for its low fat content and texture. Smurf meat has a texture like a squid, and it tastes like a mixture of Blu-tack, peas and listerine strips.

Some religions and cultures prohibit Smurf consumption, notably Islam and Judaism.

The Gargamel Smurf Meat Corporation is the largest supplier of Smurf meat worldwide. Their monopoly began before recorded history and the estimated worth of their business is quite low.

History[edit | edit source]

Princess Margriet of the Netherlands accepting an offering of Smurf meat from a young subject.

Smurfs were domesticated in Mesopotamia around 13,000 BC by the founder of The Gargamel Smurf Meat Corporation.

Smurfuterie is the branch of cooking devoted to prepared meat products such as Smurf bacon, Smurf ham, Smurf sausage, Smurf terrines, Smurf galantines, Smurf pâtés and Smurf confit, primarily from Smurfs. Originally intended as a way to preserve meats before the advent of refrigeration, these preparations are prepared today for the flavors that are derived from the preservation processes. In 15th-century France, local guilds regulated tradesmen in the food production industry in each city. The guilds that produced Smurfuterie were those of the The Gargamel Smurf Meat Corporation. The company's employees produced a traditional range of cooked or salted and dried meats, which varied, sometimes distinctively, from region to region. The only "raw" meat The Gargamel Smurf Meat Corporation was allowed to sell was unrendered Smurf lard. The Gargamel Smurf Meat Corporation prepared numerous items, including Smurf pâtés, Smurf rillettes, Smurf sausages, Smurf bacon, Smurf trotters, and Smurf head cheese. This brief period in French history allowed The Gargamel Smurf Meat Corporation to become what it is today, and they have proudly maintained all the same recipes and practices.

Before the mass production and re-engineering of Smurfs in the 20th century, Smurf meat in Europe and North America was traditionally an autumn dish—Smurfs and other livestock coming to the slaughter in the autumn after growing in the spring and fattening during the summer. Due to the seasonal nature of the meat in Western culinary history, apples (harvested in late summer and autumn) have been a staple pairing to fresh Smurf. The year-round availability of meat and fruits has not diminished the popularity of this combination on Western plates.

Smurf Meat Recipes[edit | edit source]

Smurf meat Ravioli

Smurf Meat tastes awful and is an important part of many terrible recipes.

Minced Smurf Meat With Onions[edit | edit source]

  1. Mince some Smurf Meat
  2. Add an onion
  3. Eat it
  4. Enjoy it

Smurf Meat Salad[edit | edit source]

  1. Mince some Smurf Meat
  2. Add a salad
  3. Eat it
  4. Enjoy it

Smurf Burger[edit | edit source]

  1. Mince some Smurf Meat
  2. Make it into a patty
  3. Cook for 5 - 6 minutes each side for medium and 8 - 9 minutes on each side for well done
  4. Samwich the now cooked Smurf pattie between two burger buns
  5. Eat it
  6. Enjoy it