Talk:Original Jesus

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    • The Roman Catholic Church, Opus Dei, the Knights of Columbus, the Sister of Mercy, and the Church of Satan had nothing to do with this page.


Jesus sucks, Chuck Norris is king-Chuck Norris on Jesus (well something better, but I just want something from Chuck Norris on Jesus) Madgrenadier99

I think I once saw a gay porn called that Pup 11:46 20 Feb '12

Make this article as awesome as possible[edit]

Jesus Christ is my Lord and Saviour; my King. I want this page to be the best, awesome-est, most badass article like Uncyclopedia is known for!!! -- Kippy Pie Pinkie Pie cutie mark.png Talk Pinkie Pie cutie mark.png Cupcakes Pinkie Pie cutie mark.png PARTY HARD Gummy


Is it just me, or was this article written by a six year old? I mean, it's entertaining, but the lofty speech to which I've grown accustomed here on Uncyclopedia is certainly lacking here. I could always change it myself -- but that would require effort. ;) --Vorondil

I think it's fine, all except the "The Story of Jesus" part. It's so...random. --Darkdan 04:32, 4 Jun 2005 (UTC)

The proper latin plural of Jesus is Jesus :/ (it's 4th declension, not 1st) Though modern Latin speakers often prefer the form Jessica. - Cessy!

Luckily, when we take the time to document 4th declensions, we'll be able to fix those devlish rules. Aaaah, the beauty of Uncyclopedia, where if you screw up, you can just change the rules so you win. What a place. --Famine 22:58, 29 Aug 2005 (UTC)

Hehe. - Cessy


Where's the fun in that...? :P. --scaley1234 20:32, 24 October 2006 (UTC).


"Bend it like Bethlehem" - It made me cry! -MarkHudson 11:14, 28 Jul 2005 (UTC)

That Chibi Jesus was fucking hilarity incarnate. Keep it up. --Onias 18:16, 28 May 2006 (UTC)

Story of Jeeeebussss[edit]

I think the Story of Jesus would be improved by it being written in the style of the bible. It'd have some sort of grounding in the rest of the article, then. ~ Ragnor Ironpants

I added six lines in "biblical style" for Jesus H. Christ and it, I think you will agree, would cause severe physical pain (and drowsiness) if the whole article was writ in that style.

There are reasons why that style is not common usage - it's as painful to write as it is to read (hopefully, in this case, pain with a giggle, but bad pain badness none the less). Modusoperandi 08:43, 23 Oct 2005 (UTC)

I moved it to Original Jesus Modusoperandi 21:04, 14 Nov 2005 (UTC)

Pesonal Jesus?

Stop spelling it "Jesii"![edit]

It is just as wrong as "virii" and other such uneducated sophistry. I am fixing it; do not break it again!

"Virii" is only wrong because there's only been one virus in the history of the Universe. The virus was contracted by a Polish man in 1692. He had some pretty bad luck, seeing as how he caught the only virus that ever existed. "Jesii", however, is correct because there are more than one Jesus. --EvilZak 23:36, 30 Sep 2005 (UTC)

Consider it as mocking the faux-intellectuals who say things like "virii." And "fora" instead of "forums," which may be correct, but nonetheless makes me want to kick somebody's face in. --—rc (t) 23:54, 30 Sep 2005 (UTC)

I have reverted their edits, and attempted to open a dialogue at Template talk:Jesii. I think the latin plural of virus would be vira (or possibly viri, but never virii). Proper nouns are a whole nuther thing. I think Jesii is funny because it is the most wrong (proper noun, doesn't end in -ius, etc).

--Splaka 00:32, 1 Oct 2005 (UTC)

Virus is fourth declension. Nomitive plural is virus. Viri means "men" (plural of vir, as in the English word "virile") 02:38, 10 Oct 2005 (UTC)
Virus is neither 1st or 4th declension. It is 2nd declension. In fact, virus isn't even a Latin word. It is irregular. Nominative singular is simply "vir".EarlCampbell20 06:36, 7 Jan 2006 (UTC)EarlCampbell20
Vir means "man". – 19:30, 5 February 2006 (UTC)

Virus is NOT fourth declension, because it is NOT Latin--it is English. Therefore the correct plural is viruses.

Actually, it's neither - it's Uncyclopediakia. Therefore Jesii is the correct spelling, because we have decreed it so. Upon this site, Jesii is correct, and any who think otherwise are welcome to go elsewhere. Bone F clear.png Sir Famine, Gun Petition » 14:44, 30 Oct 2005 (UTC)

What, you mean there're mistakes on uncyclopedia? Fuck, that's why I failed my HSC --Joachim22 04:53, 22 Dec 2005 (UTC)

I think humor is eighth declension. At least. Oh, and back to Wikipedia with you, humorless pedants! - Abbot Vesuvius 2:52 7th Feb 2006 (EST)

"What´s this then? Romanes eunt domus? People called Romanes they go the house?" "It says, Romans go home." "No, it doesn´t. What´s Latin for Roman? Come on!" "Annus." "Vocative plural of annus is?" "Anni." "Romani." - You all made me recall this superb piece of a discussion in a well-known film.--Discombobulator 21:35, August 11, 2011 (UTC)

Just an idea...[edit]

Anyone have any objection to the idea of adding a "Jesus fight record" list, much like the one on the godzilla page? Figured it could b entertaining...

Simpler is better[edit]

Revert comment: Simpler is better. Too many words screw up the elegance of noob pwning.--Sir Flammable KUN 08:54, 17 Oct 2005 (UTC)

And Why not add to the death secetion that his corpse didn't just disapear ; It was stolen by insurance companies so they didn't have to pay Mary magdelin her husbands life insurance?

Jesus's Name[edit]

I'm still all for just keeping His name Jesus Christ (it is Original Jesus, after all). I've changed it before, and been banned for my do what you like, but as this is one of the few pages where the text actually has something vaguely to do with the title (rather than the cobbled together, random crap of most of the other pages), Jesus Christ as the full name for Original Jesus is, by far, the most elegant solution.

Modusoperandi 02:36, 1 Dec 2005 (UTC)

I like the original name followed by (born Jesus Christowitz) -- Tinymooose.gif » Sir Savethemooses Grand Commanding Officer ... holla atcha boy» 04:17, 8 April 2006 (UTC)

No, no; Jesus H. Caspar Christian is better -- and that's what I'm changing it to. For the love of Yeshua, please don't ban me on a whim again. I've been told off before. Master Pain (also known as Betty) 22:08, 18 October 2006 (UTC)

Strange Coincidence Ignored[edit]

Doesn't anyone find it a strange coincidence that Jesus was born on Christmas Day (December 25th)? It seems like being born on the same day of such a big holiday maybe might be worth pointing out. Quartermaster 20:31, 20 July 2006 (UTC)

Point away! It's odd too both that he died/came back around spring festival and that he died on a different day every year. Weird. It's almost like there was a concerted effort to co-opt preexisting pagan rites... Modusoperandi 20:35, 20 July 2006 (UTC)

Russian Reversal[edit]


“In Soviet Russia, Jesus loves YOU!!”

Good enough? 21:00, 24 August 2006 (UTC)

No. Jesus doesn't live in Soviet Russia. Think of something original and relevent. --Sbluen 21:13, 24 August 2006 (UTC)
Ok, replace "Soviet Russia" with some extremely Christian country, like Israel or the USA... 13:22, 4 September 2006 (UTC)
Yea right, USA is just a wannabe Christian country. pssht it makes all Christians look bad with their monkey man.
Just a small comment, but Israel is a Jewish state :P. Maybe Greece or something though? I'm pretty certain they have a pretty strong Orthodox following. Though really, that particular Reversal doesn't seem very funny anyway... --scaley1234 19:49, 4 September 2006 (UTC)
Try using a country like the Vatican! Now, THAT'S a Christian country! -- 20:08, 31 January 2008 (UTC)

I know this breaks Russian Reversal rules but

“In soviet Russia, YOU die for Jesus's sins”

~ Russian reversal" 09:07, 6 July 2007 (UTC)

Jesus Death[edit]

One of the things Jesus was most famous for was that after he died, he came back to say goodbye, and that he would be coming back real soon, before jumping on a cloud to go upstairs to his daddy.

And why not add to the death section that his corpse didn't just disappear; it was stolen by insurance companies so they didn't have to pay Mary Magdalen for her husband's life insurance?


Hey, guys? Do you mind if I contribute? Please don't ban me again... Master Pain (also known as Betty) 07:39, 5 September 2006 (UTC)

I don't mind if you contribute. I do mind if you just roll back to the same stupid-ass shit that I banned you for the last time. If you're going to change the whole tone of the article, do it somewhere else, like ....wait a second...I already *told* you all of this. Begone, arsehole. Bone F clear.png Sir Famine, Gun Petition » 22:48, 5 September 2006 (UTC)

And why not add to the death section that his corpse didn't just disappear; it was stolen by insurance companies so they didn't have to pay Mary Magdalen for her husband's life insurance?

Bend It Like Bethlehem[edit]

Okay, modusoperandi, you want my reasoning? Here it is, presented in as clear and fluent a manner as possible:
The section you reinstated stuck out like a sore thumb between Jesus Loves You and Jesus' Magical Powers. It was nowhere near as funny, and not many people would have gotten the pun. Also, it did not fit the preset section headings ("Jesus' Birth", "Jesus' Popularity", "Jesus' Demise", etc.). While I appreciate your good intentions, they were all wrong for the article.
I hope you respect my opinion on this as much as I have respected yours. Good day, and YHWHspeed. Master Pain (also known as Betty) 00:13, 23 October 2006 (UTC)
So move it down as a sub of "Filmography". Then we'd both be in a state of bliss. Or inebriation. They're both good. I'm just glad you've matured beyond just leaving snarky comments in the comments box while editing...--Sir Modusoperandi Boinc! 02:04, 23 October 2006 (UTC)
I'm sorry, Famine, but I still don't like "Bend It Like Bethlehem"; my reasoning is stated above. Please, in order to be civil, post your reasoning here, and I may acquiesce. As modusoperandi has stated above, I've matured. Sir Master Pain (also known as Betty) 02:24, 24 October 2006 (UTC)
I edited it a more correct place.--Sir Modusoperandi Boinc! 02:42, 24 October 2006 (UTC)
Thank you, modusoperandi; I am now in a state of bliss. Sir Master Pain (also known as Betty) 02:45, 24 October 2006 (UTC)

I can't believe it's not Jesus[edit]

I don't know how anyone could've forgotten about Jesus' attempts to make it back onto the mainstream. I mean he had a hit with "Right Here, Right Now". All joking aside, I wonder how you guys missed this reference.

SunRainbowMoth 01:19, 5 December 2006 (UTC)

Lack of blasphemy[edit]

You feserting ruptured duodena make me puke! This article is the lamest thing I've ever seen on Jesus or whatever you wanna call it. Isn't the whole point to belittle this would-be philosopher into nonexistence? It this the best that all of you can do? Where the fuck else can you mock the Son of God in Wikia? You guys apparently have way too much respect for this son of a virgin, which is a biological oxymoron! If I didn't know any better I'd say this article is an intentionally facetious and tongue-in-cheek apologetic bible-banging promotion, for the guy who can forgive sins, walk on water and turn water into wine and all that nonsense that David Copperfield could do blindfolded (excluding forgiving sins…). There's way too much preaching going in this article! If you want religion you can go to church for a "serious" discussion. But if Uncyclopedia is gonna be funny, it might as well be blasphemous. Don't worry, you won't get struck by lightning! Take it from me, I'm speaking first hand! How about something like Joseph and Mary adopted Jesus from a hooker who kept trying to child-abuse him as a baby! That would explain the bastard-like nature of this so-called Savior. I say "bastard" in the legal sense: illegitimate, without a father. After all, it says so in the Bible. It's not funny if all you're doing is being politically correct: "Let's not put something that may offend the Christians!", "If we totally lambast Jesus Christ people might complain", "Come on that's mean, have some respect!" And you consider yourselves non-Christians! Blech! Wait, maybe you are Christians! If so, what the fuck are you doing here, you assholes? Uncyclopedia is for Satan, and Satan is for Uncyclopedia! C'mon where's your irreverence?
P.S.—Thank you for letting me pull your legs!—Aybabtu 00:43, 3 January 2007 (UTC)

According to Wikipedia timeline, He may have been born on 7 different occasions. On the other hand, he was possibly crucified only on 5 separte occasions. Where is the remaining one, Wikipedia hasn't got an answer?

What would Jesus do?[edit]

We should consider he was a gay fuck first.

Jesus loves you... doesn't that make him gay?


It's well funny how those pictures have Jesus saying LOL in every one

who came up with tht?

Jesus's pet duck stephen[edit]

Jesus had a partner in all of his adventures, the long unknown but finally known Stephen the Holy duck, He is also resposible for the holy super soaker made from melted down plastic beer can holders that the duck got his neck stuck in and removed by Jesus.

A suggested quotation[edit]

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Since I am the only one here who is without sin, I'll start."

Whether the quote ends with LOL is a matter of indifference to me.

Olive Garden[edit]

Perhaps Olive Garden would be better than Busche Gardens?

Mel Gibson[edit]

“Who is that guy who thinks he is more Christian than me?”

--RaymondFrancois 16:14, 14 August 2009 (UTC)

Teenage Years, etc[edit]

When He was twelve, Mary and Joseph took Jesus to Jerusalem for Passover but then forgot about Him when they left. While waiting for their return, Jesus wandered off to the local Food Courtia and discovered chicken burritos. Jesus loved chicken burritos. Days later, when His parents returned, they were so embarrassed and afraid of what the neighbors would think that they bribed Him to keep quiet with an armful of chicken burritos.

Ever after, Jesus would take several chicken burritos to school and/or work and especially on long trips. One day, a classmate or co-worker began stealing His chicken burritos, so He and Joseph put laxatives into the chicken burritos they queued in His backpack or lunchbox or paper sack. The next day, Jesus nonchalantly went to His desk or cubicle or shop and began His assignments or paperwork. Within a couple hours, the thief was revealed--it was Saul! Saul shot across the classroom or office or shop or salt mine, leaving a trail of gas, obscenities and other shit as he raced out the door. This earned the little thief nicknames like "Skid-mark Saul" and "Shit Shucker", a stigma which lasted for eighteen years, when Jesus changed his name to Paul.

Later that year, Jesus opened a little Tex-Mex restaurant featuring Jesus' String Cheese Fajitas, Three-Bean Taquitos and Chicken Burritos. Jesus loved chicken burritos.

Oops, forgot to sign --CaptainAbe 21:13, 27 August 2009 (UTC)

Constructive criticism[edit]

This article sucks