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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

Water is a colorless and abundant substance that's foolishly believed to be harmless and essential to life. No. More than 99.9% of the entire world population is so addicted to it they would fucking die were they deprived of this product. So severe would the withdrawal symptoms be they would, at best, have days to live without medical intervention. Humans, who have opened their eyes know they can live water free with meditation, inhaling diamond dust or drinking human and animal blood (just like paleo-cavemen used to do). We don't need water. Water is a scam. How many animals do you see drinking water? Only pets like cats and dogs that are forced to. Other animals don't. (You cannot find a single example if you tried.) It's unnatural. Humans started drinking water 5,000 years ago and this mind-virus spread and has never retreated. Little do they know the plan was designed from the beginning by a cabal of mentally challenged Mesopotamians who set the framework for mass human suffering (more later).

The elite don't want you do know that water is responsible for JFK's assassination, 9/11, the Mongol Horde, Princess Diana's murder and, worst of all, the most unforgivable calamity known to man: unleashing Justin Bieber on an unsuspecting world of innocent humans. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that the man on the left is admiring the bare torso of the man on the right in a purely non-sexual manner? (Pictured)

... that ten out of ten cigarette manufacturers agree that Cancer is great?
... that a chicken-proof lawn is impeckable?
... that forgetting to carry the one is the leading cause of disaster for world domination plans?
...that dihydrogen monoxide can kill you, specially if you breathe it?
... that apparently, this Charles Norris fellow is quite the ruffian?
... that one person can change the world, but the admins will probably just revert it?
... that everytime we touch, I get this feeling?

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In the news [edit]

"All aboard! Ha ha ha ha ha!"

Ozzy Osbourne remembers Uncyclopedia (Pictured)
Obama to Democrats: "toughen up, you fucking pussies!"
Trump sends condolences to tough-guy actor "Mikey Madison"
Clint Eastwood announces plans to live forever
Trumpman introduces Trumpmobile
Diddy gets off easy, possibly due to bribing jury
Musk establishes "Porky Pig Party" to combat Trump's "Big Beautiful Bill"
United Nations Secretary General gives up on world peace, World War Three begins
Netanyahu and Khamenei get it on
- Trump joins in for threesome, blows load
- Khamenei fails to follow up after dirty talk, taps out
Elon Musk breaks up with Trump
Trump sends condolences to "Sly Stallone"
Trump celebrates TACO Wednesday by reversing course on long-held campaign promise
THE ROCKIES HAVE WON A SERIES!

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, TAWOG, Stranger Things 5, and Spaceballs 2 • Russian Invasion • Gaza War • Trump and Elon's feud.. make up.. no one knows anymore • Superman and Super Dog's movie doing surprisingly well • Israel/Iran and Russia/Ukraine "peace talks" • Pittsburgh Steelers adding old players way past their prime • Rock drummer exodus (not to be confused with Tom Hunting or Zbigniew Fyk)

Recent deaths: Diddy's freedom for only 20 years • Michael Madsen • Diogo Jota • Texas flood victims • LA ICE raids • Connie Francis • Alan Bergman • Bill Cosby's TV son • Bryan Kohberger's freedom • Ozzy Osbourne (pictured)

Upcoming deaths: DEI • Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room • R. Kelly • Iran's nuclear program • Oil prices • Diddy's bank account after incoming lawsuits • The asshats who spoiled Squid Game • MAGA • Joe Biden's credibility • The flowers you bring Alan Bergman • Bryan Kohberger, at the hands of his fellow inmates

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On this day [edit]

July 24: Pioneer Day (Utah), Polygamy Week Begins (Also Utah)

1132 – Battle of Nocera between Ranulf II of Alife and Roger II of Sicily takes place in Italy. Ranulf's fettucine narrowly bests Roger's linguine, and Italy adopts fettucine as the National Stereotypical Food.
1487 – Citizens of Leeuwarden, Netherlands, unsatisfied with watered‑down domestics, rebel against a ban on foreign beer.
1947 – Brigham Young and all his merry wives arrive in Utah to establish Mormonism, and in doing so guarantee that even the ugliest son of a bitch (pictured) can have multiple mates.
1983 – Hacker Richard M. Stallman launches the GNU project, an effort to protect the endangered gnu, a buffalo‑like animal, from extinction using mainly open‑source code.
2000 – While on the Presidential campaign trail, George W. Bush reads a helpful guide to living life that helps him on his way to the Oval Office.
2008 – The Dark Knight is released, becoming an instant box office smash hit, and reaching the all‑time pinnacle for film.
2009 – I like the fact that you're reading the anniversaries right now. I really, really do.

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