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From today's featured article
The documents contained herein are of a confidential, classified nature, hence the large red stamp to be found atop this passage. They have been classified according to Provision 401q of the Super-secret Document Protection Act of 1965. That means that not even Greg from accounting is allowed to view the observations, inferences, quibbles, and miscellanea contained in the aforementioned documents. Gives you some perspective, doesn't it. Therefore and thus, someone thinking about, considering, and/or about to open this manila folder in which these documents are contained is subject to torture by unpleasant bodily means at an undisclosed location. Oops, it's already open. Oh well, no crime there. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... no, you didn't! Stop lying!
- ... that neither cows nor foxes can run for governor in Wisconsin?
- ... that the light at the end of the tunnel is commonly reported to be a strobe light accented with techno?
- ... that many diseases can be prevented by washing your hands before eating, after eating, during eating, and another couple of times just in case?
- ... that hitting your kids may be beneficial to their health, or at the very least amusing to you?
- ... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
- ... that spambots suffer from constant self-doubt and low self esteem? They have feelings too you know.
In the news
- Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize (Pictured)
- Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
- Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
- The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
- US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
- So.. about that Super Bowl..
- Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
- Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
- Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
- Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez
Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over • Team Canada rethinking life
Recent deaths: Brad Arnold • NFL season • Winter Olympics • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • YouTube • Tom Noonan • Eric Dane • Melania Trump's big movie star career • Team Canada hockey, twice, AND their curling team • Some Nerd named Robert Carradine • Warner Bros. bidding war • Neil Sedaka • M-m-m-Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and other Iranian leaders
Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (according to Wikipedia) • Avicii (according to Wikipedia)
Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy and snow handling capability • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files • the US government, again • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to remember • Mexico • Smiling Friends
On this day
March 4: Galileo Galileo Galileo Figaro
- 1849 - Mama, just killed a man, put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger now he's dead.
- 1852 - Mama, life had just begun, but now I've gone and thrown it all away.
- 1855 - Mama, ooh, didn't mean to make you cry, if I'm not back again this time tomorrow.
- 1861 - Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters.
- 1862 - Too late, my time has come, sending shivers down my spine, bodies aching all the time.
- 1865 - Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go, gotta leave you all behind and face the truth.
- 1874 - Mama, ooh, I don't want to die, sometimes I wish I'd never been born at all.
Picture of the day
| "Who's Afwaid of a Widdle Apokowips?" Image credit: Modusoperandi |
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