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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

Colin Rat Kaepernick is an American professional political activist, clown, police officer, and occasional football player. He played six seasons for the San Francisco 49ers in the National Football League (NFL). As a political activist, Kaepernick stopped standing during the national anthem (a song about the American flag and military) at the start of NFL games in protest of systemic disrespect for police officers in American culture. He also did this to draw more attention to himself in the wake of losing his starting job and being benched for Blaine Gabbert.

Kaepernick played college football for the Reno Wolf Sack, where he was twice named the WAC Most Offensive Person of the Year. After leaving Reno, he was selected by the 49ers in the second round of the 2011 NFL Draft. Kaepernick began his professional football career as a backup quarterback to Alex Smith and became the 49ers' starter in the middle of the 2012 season after Smith did what he does best. Kaepernick then went on to promote himself as much as possible, milking his stardom for all it was worth. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that hand transplant patients (Pictured) celebrate by masturbating?

... that while Pong! the Movie followed suit with the wildly popular video game genre, such as The Super Mario Brothers movie and Resident Evil, it did not play out as well in the box offices?
...No, you didn't! Stop lying!
... that an umbrella is a magical object that is used in many cultures to discourage rainfall?
... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?
... that babies explode when you put them in the microwave?
... that rounding up sheep is easiest to the nearest ten?
... that every time you fall asleep, you die?

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In the news [edit]

Clearly not Deion Sanders vouching for his son

Trump: "You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big."
Phil Collins comes out of retirement after wank
PBS and NPR to lose funding
Spain and Portugal experience a country-wide blackout
Sportswriter Leon Sandcastle gives his two cents on NFL draftee Shedeur Sanders's draft slide (Pictured)
Trump believes that 200 countries negotiated trade deals with him
Man delivers profound philosophical speech about elephants during his sojourn at the zoo
Upcoming South Park season will be Canadian
World shocked as Pope Francis kicks bucket (This is not a drill!)
- Chris Rock will succeed him in new comedy Head of Church
Trump Administration prepares to deport everybody except Native Americans
New Easter Bunny is a fascist

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, and Deltarune • Eurovision • Russian Invasion • Israel-Palestine conflict • DOGE budget cuts • SWAT teams on guard for the "chicken jockey" scene of A Minecraft Movie • Trump and Xi's tariff games • The IRS hunting late tax payers

Recent deaths: Jay North • SPOILER: Joel • Pope Francis • Shedeur Sanders' career, before it even started • Lar Park Linkin • Gawr Gura • Toxicity • Girl-kisser and Harriet the Spy soundtrack artist Jill Sobule • Ruth Buzzi • LeBron James' playoff run

Upcoming deaths: U.S. and Global economy • Luigi Mangione • Kate Middleton • Laura Palmer • DEI • Google's ad monopoly • Cleveland Browns' locker room • LeBron James' career • Diddy's chance at freedom

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On this day [edit]

May 7: International Daintiness Day

1274 - In France the Second Council of Lion ends in a bloodbath. Final Score: Councillors 2, Lions 37.
1776 - Pollsters in the American colonies find "zero interest" in freedom and democracy, find most content with ruthless monarchy and doughnuts.
1824 - Ludwig van Beethoven's Ninth Symphony debuts in Austria, performed by a mute ensemble, to a deaf audience, and orchestrated by a conductor with no arms.
1920 - The Treaty of Moscow is signed, in which Soviet Russia agrees not to invade the nation of Georgia. It is broken six months later, when Soviet forces capture Atlanta.
1961 - Feminine ultra-spy Mrs. J is sent to Cairo, Egypt by the higher-ups at MI-5.
1967 - Pope Paul VI designs the miniskirt for Swiss Guard's summer uniforms. Fabulous!
1968 - In America, Summer of Love forecast with a 50% chance for civil unrest.

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"The greatest trick Christopher Robin ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist."

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