The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020

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The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was an extreme shortage of toilet paper, characterized by millions of people fighting in retail stores and out in the open over toilet paper. It was far worse than any apocalyptic scenario imagined by humans at the time, yet no documentation of the event portrays it for what it is, as the millions of deaths were covered up by a pandemic that just happened to be going on during the famine.

The conspiracy[edit]

Many people will tell you that the toilet paper famine was caused by Covidiots who needlessly hoarded toilet paper due to subconsciously connecting it to cleanliness. That's not true! Anyone with half a brain[1] knows that this article is the only reliable source ever regarding the famine.

Kill your biology teacher[edit]

Toilet paper is a basic human need, far more important than food, air, or dihydrogen monoxide. After all, there's a reason no one was hoarding bottled water or boxed pasta. Without toilet paper, humans will go insane, tear their eyeballs out, and have an irrational urge to defecate on photographs of Bill Gates. No one wanted this to happen, since everyone at the time worshiped Bill Gates and could not come to terms with the fact that he had created the virus to make himself look good.

Also kill all the historians[edit]

There was never a society where people lived without toilet paper. Toilet paper has existed since the beginning of time. In fact, ancient civilizations worshiped toilet paper gods, as proven by our numerous insane tinfoil hat conspiracy theorists true scientists who aren't paid by the government to keep the truth hidden. Anyone who ever says otherwise is spouting lies.

Causes[edit]

The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by many things, all of which could have been prevented if we weren't ignorant sheeple.

COVID-19[edit]

COVID-19 was mostly a hoax. Millions of people did not die; those people were killed off by the famine. That being said, it was a real thing, and affected the famine by shutting down toilet paper factories and increasing stress.

Stress[edit]

When people stress more, they eat more. When they eat more, they crap more. When they crap more, they use more toilet paper. When they use more toilet paper, they run out of toilet paper. When they run out of toilet paper, they stress more. It's a very vicious cycle. In 2020, the world had massive, unhealthy levels of loneliness, depression, and stress. All of these problems led to more toilet paper usage.

Cats[edit]

In a horrifying experiment run by none other than the Illumicati, millions of cats around the disk (because the Earth is flat, of course) were tasked with unraveling and ruining as many rolls of toilet paper as possible. This experiment is estimated to have affected around 15 billion rolls of toilet paper.

Too many idiots wanting too many printouts of this Uncyclopedia article[edit]

It is not worth trying to explain this. ("To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible." - Thomas Aquinas, unsourced quote, but requiring sources would cause economic catastrophe by bankrupting the entire Fake News industry - and anyway nothing here can possibly count as Fake News, as 2020 is now Ancient History).

Solutions[edit]

In days of old
When knights were bold
Ere paper were invented
They wiped their arse
On a blade of grarse
And went away contented.

Road Signs[edit]

Due to the shortage in toilet paper, government action had to be executed. As a result, many road signs signifying rations, stations, and other places were erected.

United States of America[edit]

Canada[edit]


  1. (As anyone with a full brain knows that this article is a steaming piece of bullcrap)