The Fairy Tale Trials
The State of Fairytale land versus Jack
Jack – Not guilty on grounds of diminished responsibility, your Honour.
Mr Justice Trousers – Are you sure you want to admit your guilt? You realise the seriousness of these offences, Jack? And what may happen to you if your plea is rejected?
Jack - Yes, sir.
Mr Justice Trousers – Very well. Since you have opted to conduct your own defence, please tell the court what happened.
Jack – Thank you, sir. You see, Mummy and I were so poor we didn't have two ha'pennies to rub together. Or else we'd have bought some twigs and rubbed those together, your Honour, to make a fire.
Mr Justice Trousers – I see.
Jack – And Mummy said we had to sell the cow and that I should take him to market – be I ever so simple – and try to get a good price for her.
Mr Justice Trousers – Yes, go on.
Jack – Well, sir. Some thieving Gypsy bastard – excuse my French, sir. Some thieving travelling person of indeterminate parentage bought our poor old cow, Bessie, from me for three magic beans. He took advantage of my learning difficulty, your Honour!
Mr Justice Trousers – Yes, but the beans were magic, Jack, weren't they?
Jack - Only one of them, sir. Two of them were duds! I felt so humiliated that when I climbed the beanstalk the next day I wasn't in my right mind, sir, and I took advantage of the Giant's wife and stole a chicken. Honestly, your Honour, I never knew it was gonna lay golden eggs. All's I knew was my poor old mum had nothing to eat and no milk for her tea, and it was all my fault.
Mr Justice Trousers – Understandable, Jack. But you did return to the giant's castle next day, did you not? Surely that was premeditated.
Jack – Sir, I'm not proud. But when a mighty giant's wife took an interest in a poor simpleton like me, it quite turned my head, sir. I admit it, I did go back and this time I stole a golden harp. I'm not proud of it, your Honour.
Mr Justice Trousers – And the giant chased you back to the beanstalk and you cut it down knowing that he would fall to his death?
Jack – Yes, sir. He was bigger than me, sir and he kept shouting :
I smell the blood of an Englishman.
Be he alive, or be he dead,
I'll grind his bones to make my bread”
So I chopped down the beanstalk, sir, and he landed on his head. I'm so ashamed.
Mr Justice Trousers – No need, Jack. You're most certainly a retard, but all this smelling the blood of Englishmen and grinding their bones strikes me as racial harassment. Case dismissed!
The State of Fairytale land versus Goldilocks
Goldilocks – I am very blonde, you Honour.
Mr Justice Trousers – Yes, but I'm afraid that isn't a defence in the eyes of the law.
Goldilocks – No, sir.
Mr Justice Trousers – You freely admit to breaking and entering the house of Mr and Mrs Bear and eating their porridge?
Mr Justice Trousers – Lying won't help you here, Ms. Locks. You may have no respect for the laws of this land, but the Laws of Thermodynamics suggest that if Mrs Bear's porridge was cold, Baby Bear's would have been even colder, being a smaller quantity, radiating thermal energy at approximately the same rate, assuming that the bowls were of roughly similar proportions.
Goldilocks – Mrs Bear is on a diet, sir. On account of finding cellulite on her previously creamy thighs, your Honour.
Mr Justice Trousers – Even so. You then vandalized Baby Bear's chair, having failed to break those of his parents and then had the temerity to fall asleep in his bed.
Goldilocks – But Mr Bear's was too hard, and Mrs Bear's was too soft!
Mr Justice Trousers – Silence. I hereby sentence you to three months community service, furthermore I am issuing an Anti-Social Behaviour Order so that you may not go within two miles of the Wild Wood without written consent. Goodbye, Ms Locks.
The State of Fairytale land versus the Big Bad Wolf
B. Bad-Wolf - Not guilty.
His honour, Mr Justice Trousers - Very well, the prosecution may cross-examine the accused.
Prosecutor - Thank you, your Honour. Isn't it true, Mr Bad-Wolf, that you followed Ms. Riding-Hood through the forest?
B. Bad-Wolf - Certainly. I was trying to protect a vulnerable young girl from harm. The Wild Wood is a dangerous place.
Prosecutor - Why then did you not simply escort Ms. Riding-Hood through the wood? One might suspect that you were stalking the young lady?
B. Bad-Wolf - Red was taking pie to her Grandmother's cottage in the woods. I suffer from a severe nut allergy and I didn't want to approach too closely until I was sure that the pie's pecans were safely contained beneath a protective pastry covering.
Prosecutor - I'm sure. But you did approach her eventually, didn't you?
B. Bad-Wolf – Once I was convinced that she meant me no harm with her pecans, yes.
Prosecutor – And when you summoned the courage to approach her, what did you do?
B. Bad-Wolf – I asked her where she was going.
Prosecutor – And when she told you that she was visiting her elderly Grandmother, rather than escort her through the woods which you have already told us are a dangerous place for a young lady, you chose to run off to get to the Grandmother's house first.
B. Bad-Wolf – That's right. I wanted to make sure that Red's Grandmother had access to the Adrenalin Epi-pen that I always carry, as I knew that she also suffered a severe nut allergy.
Prosecutor – And you didn't think that Ms Riding-Hood would know that?
B. Bad-Wolf – No, I realized that she knew and that obviously she was planning to kill her Grandmother.
Prosecutor – But you ran to the cottage in the woods and ate Ms. Riding-Hood's Grandmother, then pretended to be her so that you might eat Ms Riding hood herself!
B. Bad-Wolf – I swallowed Granny whole to protect her! If I hadn't, she wouldn't be here today. Then I hid in her bed to confront Red before she did anything to spoil her life.
Prosecutor – Of course. And what happened then?
B. Bad-Wolf – Then Red burst in and did the whole “Oh Granny, what big eyes you have – all the better to see this lovely pie I made for you without the use of nuts, nut-by-products or other flavourings produced in factories that may previously have processed nuts” routine.
Prosecutor – Really! You can't seriously expect us to believe this.
B. Bad-Wolf – Then it was “Oh, Granny what a big nose you have. All the better to smell nut products in pies that haven't had their odour masked with essence of Cranberry.” And “Oh Granny, what a big mouth you have. All the better to swallow one or better still three slices of this pie without looking at it too carefully.”
Prosecutor – Preposterous!
Prosecutor – It was most fortunate for Ms. Riding Hood that he did!
B. Bad-Wolf – Fortunate! They were in it together. Why do you think he was walking through the forest equipped for murder? You don't spend your life prowling through woodland without seeing who's groping whom in the thickets! He'd come to finish poor old Granny off if the pecans didn't get her, then they were going to move in to her place together!
Granny – You tell him, Wolfie!
His Honour Justice Trousers – Silence, or I shall clear the public gallery. Mr Bad-Wolf, please tell the court what happened next.
B. Bad-Wolf (in tears) – It was awful, your Honour. They cut me open and pulled poor old Granny out. Then they sewed rocks up in me and threw me in the river. I don't think either Granny or I would have survived if it hadn't been for Prince Charming coming past.
His Honour – Prince Charming?
B. Bad-Wolf – Yes, sir. Red took one look at him and ditched the woodcutter on the spot. One of the coachmen pulled me out of the river and another one looked after Granny. It was a miracle.
His Honour – Case dismissed, I've heard enough. Bailiff! Escort Ms. Riding-Hood to the cells, I think she may have a case to answer herself.