Jesus stole my girlfriend
“In Soviet Russia, my girlfriend stole Jesus!”
So Jesus comes back to Earth, right? And sure, I mean we were all sceptical at first and stuff, but you know, after all the pomp and circumstance and angels' trumpets and apocalypse and smiting of the Antichrist and all that biblical crap, we're all pretty much convinced he's the real deal. That's cool and all, 'cause I'm not down with Satan or nothing, and Jesus is like, the Lord of Hosts and all that, but let me tell you, I know from personal experience that once you get past all that perfect-being bullshit, Jesus can be a real jerk. In fact Jesus is more than a Jerk, Jesus is a goddamn asshole. Seeing as my woman left me for another man... and that man's name was Jesus. That's right. Jesus stole my girlfriend!
That stupid Craigslist ad
It all started when I put that ad on the internet for a new roommate. Brad was moving in with his girlfriend and kinda left me hanging. I thought it woulda been cool to get one of my buddies to move into the place, but they're all fucking deadbeats without jobs anyway, so I didn't know if I really wanted them living with me and messing the place up with all their crap.
I was pretty plussed when Jesus was the first guy to answer my ad. I mean, I figured that the dude would probably have some sort of celestial palace or something to crash at, but he spouted all this stuff about him being a man as well as a God and having humble needs and all that, so I figured I'd give him a shot. It was OK for the first few days and all. We played our guitars together and he taught me the trick to finger-picking Dust in the Wind. There were hotties over all the time, too. I mean, no one gets more tail than the King of Heaven. He used to bang them two at a time. He called it his "Second Coming", which was pretty damn funny if you think about it.
He kept turning all the water into wine, which was cool because I couldn't really afford a lotta alcohol back in those days, but wine is like a chick drink. It woulda been much better if he coulda turned it into like beer or something, but when I asked him about that he got all mystical and shit and gave me a line of bull about it being God's Divine Nectar and all that. I come to find out later that he'd been turning water into beer, but keeping it secret because he wanted it all for himself. He was making that crappy American beer anyway, so I didn't really give a shit or nothing, but it was pretty uncool for him not to share. He was also turning lawn clippings into killer bud, but he wouldn't share that with me either, not even when Joey got nabbed by the feds and my supply line ran dry. That's when I first figured that Jesus was kinda an asshole.
Too many toga parties
Back when he first moved in, I figured that he'd do some kinda magic and keep the place clean, or maybe get some of them baby angels in diapers to sweep up, but he never did jack. He left his socks lying on the couch all the time, and let me tell you, just 'cause he's like the Son of God and all, don't mean that his socks were any less funky. And he kept walking around the apartment naked and stuff.
When I called him on it and said I didn't need to be seeing that, he went off about how this was how God made us and there was nothing to be ashamed about. But man, I really didn't need some naked dude sitting around on my couch. It made all my friends feel kinda weird, and people didn't want to hang out at my place no more, even with the free wine.
Jesus was also one of those guys that probably shouldn't drink, on account of how he gets all hostile and shit. You know the type. I mean, he was pretty cool to hang with when he was sober, but you put a six-pack in him and he'd get all up in your face talking about sin and worshipping false idols and all that. I mean, this one time at a party he just went all ninja and shit and kicked my buddy Tim in the nuts just 'cause he mentioned Allah. We had to grab Jesus and throw him in a closet until he fucking calmed down. I mean, he apologized and all that afterwards, but it pretty much killed everyone's buzz.
He never built me no hotrod
Jesus used to also eat all my food and crap. I mean, I'd buy like a loaf of bread and all and like two days later it'd be gone. I know I didn't eat it. But like when you went to him and accused him of taking it, he'd get all defensive and start talking about how all his loaves and fishes crap and how he didn't need my crappy-ass bread. But he was all effin' talk, I never saw him multiply no freaking fishes. And if I didn't eat the bread, then what happened to it huh?
He spent hours on the computer too, the bastard, I never got a damn look-in, I'd ask him what he's doing and he's spout his bullshit about 'doing some work for his dad' and how it was more important than me browsing Facebook. Horse. Crap. Every time he nipped off to go take a crap or steal more of my bread I'd go have a look at what he was doing. Porn, porn like you wouldn't believe. Every damn fetish you could think of and he'd downloaded it. Bondage, foot, kiddie. Everything! He'd never admit it though. Mr. 'all that is holy' could never view such sinful and wicked things. Pah!
The straw that broke the camel's back
The worst part was when I caught him trying to hook up with my girlfriend. I mean, Marnie and I had been dating like four months at that point, and he shoulda known damn well that she was hands off, but I go into my bedroom during a party and there he is with his fucking tongue down my girlfriend's throat, saying all that sweet talk like, "Hey baby, I'm like the Son of God. Horse doesn't even come close to describing how well hung I am."
Fuck that shit man, I don't care if he's the Lord Saviour or what, you don't fuck with what's mine. So I punched him in his hippy-ass face. You know, you'd think he'd be all 'turn the other cheek' and that crap, but he went all ape-shit on me and we went at it pretty good, rolling around on the floor and generally busting the place up. Jesus bites too man. I mean you'd think a guy like that would at least fight fair, like a freaking man, but he was pulling hair and scratching and being an absolute cunt bunny about the whole thing.
Then, the next day, he tells me like he's going to move out and all because he can't deal with my violent tendencies, and how he's going to ask his Dad to forgive me and crap. I told him good fucking riddance you fucking dirtbag. The worst part was how Marnie told me that she didn't want to see me no more because I was a loser and how she was going to be going steady with Jesus from now on. But the fucking joke's on her with that one. Jesus was a real player, and I hear that he like cheats on her with any piece of ass he can get his hands on.
Jesus Christ
I'm glad I got rid of the dickbag. Even after he'd gone I kept finding 'easter eggs' just laying all over the place. Empty bottles of 'Holy Water' he'd stashed behind the sofa, when he'd been too damn lazy to go to the toilet, spyware on the computer and used friggin' condoms sandwiched between the mattresses in the spare room. Considering the amount of filth he produced, I'm surprised he was able to keep his robes so dazzlingly white, although seeing how he never wore them, I guess it wasn't that hard. So, I got a new fucking roommate now. He works at Walmart and don't make free wine or nothing, but he don't eat my food or leave his crap lying around too much, and he pays for shit. I guess that's all I really wanted in a roommate to begin with.
See also
