Groningen

Groningen is the most important settled locality in the province of the same name, located in the North of the Netherlands. It borders on Amsterdam to the North, Lake Titicaca to the East, Wembley Stadium to the South, and Västerårit to the West. It also shares borders with Paraguay via an intricate system of underground tunnels that link the local University to the basement of famous Paraguay pedagogue Fernando Álvares. Inhabitants categorically deny that the village borders on Germany, or any other areas inhabited by Germans. The village was recently brought to an international stage when CNN reports, showing Groningen stricken by water damage from the River Danube floods, first aired. Other recent sightings of the village in international news include the story of a small fleet of British Navy vessels entering Groningen just after these floods, filling their holds with as much fresh water as possible, and attempting to ferry the water to the drought-stricken London area. US president Bush referred to Groningen as "what?".

History

Roman Empire and Tan Ages

Groningen was founded around the year 250 B.C. by a lost Roman cohort that was forced to spend the winter north of the Rhine when it was discovered that rushing an army (most of which had health insurance) over thinly frozen-over lakes was potentially detrimental to the average legionary's health, especially since warm blankets were notoriously hard to come by. The settlement was in these days known as Absolutissimus Mediae Multo Nix, or Quite-in-the-Middle-of-a-Lot-of-Snow. With the fall of the Roman Empire, the settlement was overrun by the Visigoths, which led modern scholars to believe Groningen is in fact part of the West. The Visigoth King Alaric gave the settlement its name Groene Dinghen, meaning Green Stuff, on account of the local population's tendency to paint things green (cf. Irish-o-philia), and that phrase later evolved into the modern name Groningen.

High Middle Ages

The town came to be inhabited by the Frisians. Since the Frisian language presents a number of linguistic difficulties for its speakers, i.e. incomprehensibility, interpersonal communication within Groningen remained virtually non-existent during most of the Middle Ages. This led to twelve city-wide fires between 1134-1322 AD, the founding of such organisations as Albertus and Vindicat (organisations that still seem to struggle with an utter lack of post-pubescence), the building, burning and subsequent re-building of the Martini Tower and the construction of two equally grand marketplaces at five feet distance from one another for no apparent reason (i.e. the Fish Market and the Big Market.) The area around Groningen was inhabited by the Saxons, who attempted to communicate with the Frisians using traditional means of diplomacy on three separate occasions (i.e. shouting moi! at them very loudly). Unsurprisingly, as Saxophone is an extremely difficult language to understand for speakers of most human languages, these attempts were met with little success. After diplomacy failed, the Saxons proceeded to conquer the village in 1577 AD, or the Year of the Cow according to the local calendar. Surprisingly, after the Saxons won their monumental victory over the later to be reviled Frisians, the Saxons proceeded to adopt Frisian family names for themselves, leading to such common last names as Dijkma, Dijkema and Dijksema. In memorandum of that glorious conquest, each subsequent year has been the Year of the Cow.

The Reformation

During the Reformation, the city came to be under siege from the Archbishop of Mönster Bommen Berend. Groningen withstood all these German invasions with the aid of an unusually large cannon dubbed Groote Griet (Big Greta or Overweight Girl). A local holiday reminds the village's inhabitants each year of these monumental victories, and two bars named Bommen Berend and Groote Griet are strategically placed exactly opposite one another on the Big Market.

The Dutch language made strides in becoming the most-spoken language of the region with the ascent to power in The Hague of William of Orange, famous orange-farmer from the Dutch orange colony of Kalimantan. This led to the introduction of a whole new lexicon into the Saxon language, including such words as house, shoes and the numbers three and above.

World War II

Hitler invaded The Neverlands some time between 7:30 and 7:31 AM, and the whole of the country was conquered just before 7:32 AM. The Queen fled to Canada to hunt elk, use the word eh more often, and form a government in exile. Inhabitants of the village ate light bulbs for lack of transistor bulbs during the Winter of Hunger in 1944-1945. Capitulation followed late 2004. Traces of the war can still be seen on the coastline and islands, where holes on the beach with blankets, parasols and Germans in them are left as grim traces of Groningen's darkest hour.

Post-World War II

After the war, approximately 100% of the Dutch population fled the ravages of Holland to build up new lives in The US, Australia, Canada and Brazil. Groningen was almost abandoned. The only living organisms left are three cats named Rinus, Menno and Jelle, a hermit proclaiming the coming end of the world, and an old bicycle that has no saddle.

Transportation

Given its remoteness, Groningen is surprisingly accessible. The main method of transportation is the Bicycle, which outnumbers the inhabitants by at least 18 times. Being a very environmentally conscious town, bicycles are grown locally in the canals and sprout as barnacles with handlebars which, when reaching maturity, are harvested annually.

The secondary method is the bus which, owing to routing issues, now exclusively tours the Red Light District. In fact, a bus driver once became so distracted by the amount of tit-for-tat on sale that he drove into a canal to join the bicycles, pissing them off intensely. Travelling by car is also popular, although both the bicycles and buses hate automobiles with a passion, for frequently driving into them. This conflict resulted in the creation of a special, bike-proof ring road, shielded with high walls. Upset with the loss of access to easily-breakable windshields, many cyclists have since turned on each other. My grandfather says there used to be trams in the city too, but then again when he lived in Groningen the mayor was a convicted war criminal.

The village is conveniently connected by rail to Amsterdam and Utrecht, which leads to the occasional stray tourist entering Groningen, and also to Leeuwarden, which leads to incomprehensible hordes of Frisians entering and pillaging the city, looting the shops, stealing the women (although to be honest they're welcome to them), and leaving something of a mess. Groningen Airport, the hub airport for British Airways, in Eelde provides aerial connections to such destinations as Antananarivo and Bakhchisaray for those that can find it.

Perhaps unsurprisingly for such an entrepreneurial town, Groningen is the birthplace of the skateplank, essentially a skateboard without wheels, and shaped like a clog."

Tourism

Being the greatest village in the northern hemisphere of the Netherlands, Groningen has history to offer! Its main tourist feature is of course the incredible Martini Tower, which uncannily resembles the Dom (NL: Stupid) Tower in Utrecht. The magnificent erection still casts an actual shadow over Utrecht's shorter, pissier version, and accidentally blocks the sunlight from reaching Groningen's fourth and fifth districts.

Comparable to other great canal cities such as Birmingham and Mexico City, Groningen's urban waterways help keep it on the map. Though inhabited by unfriendly nests of bicycles, people still risk their life touring them in specialised, and locally built, low boats. Accusations that owing to their water retention skills, these boats were technically submarines, were dubbed 'unfounded' and 'slander' by the incumbent mayor. Another threat faced by tourist boats, beyond the slight risk of drowning, is that of bicycles unlawfully boarding low-riding ships. To counter this blatant act of aggression, the city organised and executed the Tourist Defence Act, stamping the problem out at its source, by filling in the canals. An unintended side-effect of this is the village's famously pretty shopping streets.

On market days, one can purvey blocks of hashish, melons, live or dead fish, bohemians and adult canal-grown bicycles for next-to-nothing! Framed by ornate and intricately gilded houses, each one soaked in history and the blood of at least a hundred slaves, the market certainly is a sight for sore eyes.

Yet another of the village's seemingly endless tourist attractions is the Minerva Art Academy. Its population is mostly female, and males are suspected of being females too. Often shrouded in a cloud of weed smoke, you always know when you spot one of these baristas-in-training. True hardcore nerds can be found to the north, visiting the University of Groningen or simply RUG (which for obvious reasons has been embroidered into the entrance rug). Of lesser beauty is the Museum of Nature, which, after an outbreak of hundreds of trees, bushes, and flowers into the city, saw no need to continue in an empty hall. It has been sold to the Hanze 'Applied Sciences University' for the storage of lesser students in the hope of converting them to compost and set the previously imprisoned trees and bushes at ease.

Local Language

The local language spoken is called Gronings, or Grunnegs, and consists of a lexicon of roughly seven words. The language's grammar provides for a present tense (e.g. I go), and an imperative mood (e.g. Go!). The language appears capable of abstractions and mathematical constructs, but research is still under way concerning those areas. Gronings is the only language in the world where sentences may never exceed three words in length, leading to such fine examples of erudicity as:

"Hou is t?"

"Nou, kon minder."

meaning:

"How is life treating you this fine day, my friend?"

"Truly my brother, my spirits are high, for the cup overfloweth."

There is also a variant which only uses 1 word in a sentence.

"Oeist?"

"Kominder."

"Zalekisievertelle?"

"Gaüwegang."

"Derisdusnainamerikoandeehaitbuseninzienboksemplaast."

"Dadebbekiknognaitheurd."

meaning:

"How is life treating you this fine day, my friend?"

"Truly my brother, my spirits are high, for the cup overfloweth."

"Would you want me to tell you a tale of myths and legend?"

"Go your way, my noble brother."

"Once upon a time, in a vast strange mythical land which went by the name of America, there was a man, he was a stupid man, he was an ugly man, he was Bush, he wasn't noble in any way, but every day, he had to fulfil one noble deed, what does he do every day of his life: he wets his pants."

"I have never heard such an epic tale of love, betrayal and heroism, I thank you for enlightening my soul."

The generic greeting used for all times of day is moi!, pronounced as loudly and prolonged ("moooi") as possible. When greeting someone you know, it is common to add the words "mien jong" (my boy) or "mien wicht" (my cow). Be sure to frown while pronouncing this greeting, as not frowning or scowling is often mistaken for a sign of being a homosexual or a woman, or both.

Because of its efficiency the language has gained popularity in the rest of the country and it is only a matter of time before every single Dutch citizen will speak this great language.

Politics

The village and surrounding province have been home to left-wing politics since the introduction of democracy to the Netherlands in 2002. Major political parties include the New Communist Party of the Neverlands, with party headquarters in neo-Stalinist Beerta, and the Party for Partying, with its headquarters in Bierum (not to be confused with Sexbierum, which is in Friesland).

World Domination

Even though no one knows about this and it's still a great secret, we'll still add this. Groningen started their plans for world domination in the late '40's. After the '48's hamster oppression the government created the first BWOGS (Bond voor WereldOverheersing door Groningse Superioriteit) Eng: UWDGS (Union for World Domination by Groningse Superiority). As a weapon they wanted to use the duo Lucas en Gea, this weapon is powerful and life-threatening to all human life in the immediate vicinity. From recently leaked documents from the BWOGS it has been made known that the Rijsuniversiteit Groningen in collaboration with undercover operative Hans Klok have obtained plans for the production of cloned supersoldiers. Unfortunately it is not clear what the parts of Lucas en Gea are in this plot.