Butter Troll

“I am suddenly feeling great about my appearance! ”

~ Shrek on Butter Trolls

A Butter Troll is an unfortunate subspecies of Goth. They are victims of the belief that black clothes are so slimming that if they squeeze into a black circus tent it will hide their greasy folds. Some larger Butter Trolls have been known to wear an entire Hot Topic store by inserting their flabby arms through the entrance and exit.

The male Butter troll is easily angered, only docile when high on his drug of choice

They can often be identified by the spiderwebs crudely drawn with eyeliner on the side of their faces. They are often mistaken for the Hindenburg or other dirigible aircraft and their appearance may surprise you. Avert your eyes though... they can swallow your soul. Make sure you do not have any visible flesh when in the presence of a butter troll... they will promptly swallow your physical entity. Things to do to avoid being eaten by a butter troll include: wearing a burka, covering yourself in vegetables, or dressing up as a unicorn; the hate unicorns....

History

Genetics can be Cruel, but Krispy Kream is delicious

The history of the butter troll dates back to the Original Gothic period 300-400 BC. It is said that after the beheading of Grendel's mother in the much famed tale of Beowulf One of the hero's compatriots decided to "give her a go" and from her decapitated rotting body was spawned the first butter troll.

Unlike the true gothic people, lean attractive types with pale skin and a taste for fine art, the butter trolls would simply wander amongst normal folks in the local tavern. While waiting for them to get drunk enough to mistake the butter troll for a bean bag chair.

Butter Trolls Today

Butter trolls can be found just about anywhere today: blocking the entrance to Hot Topic; stinking up the line at whatever flash-in-the-pan Nu-Metal, Industrial, Grind core band is playing; in the dankest corner of a club during the "'Goth' Night" (or whatever you and your little buddies call it); but mostly they can be found sitting in front of their computer with semen and Cheetos' stains down the front of their shirt reading and editing uncyclopedia entries.

How to Spot a Butter Troll

Uncle Fester is the king of the Butter Trolls

The common butter troll can often be identified by:

• The expression described by Butterologists as looking like "a dropped mince pie."
• Two large pleather spheres (these pertaining only to the female of the species).
• Faded Slipknot tattoos badly in need of a touch-up.
• Faded black band t-shirts, or perhaps just two wall flags sewn together like some kind of muu muu.
• A trail of ectoplasmic ooze, quite possibly hair gel.
• The smell of marijuana, stale Cheetos, and failure.
• Innumerable piercings.
• Sweat the consistency and texture of movie popcorn butter.

The Search for The Cure

Robert "Butter Troll" Smith

The Cure can't be found in any Butter Trolls' CD collection, as that's something a real goth would own. However, in an unprecedented move that was loudly criticized by Goth Society at Large, Robert Smith attempted to win the affections (and therefore cash) of the Butter Troll community by imitating their style. Lawsuits ensued and he was declared temporarily insane and sentenced to life in Fat Camp.

Butter trolls in the future

In the future butter trolls may spend most of their time indoors, only to being lured out with the promise of delicious Krispy Kreme. Otherwise they will gain sustenance though an intravenous liposuction waste bag. This is what they will call a "Happy Meal".