Krist Novoselic
Krist Novoselic (aka "That guy on the bass") was the fictional bassist for Nirvana. Fictional? You bet he is, "Novoselic" means "non-existent" in Croatian. He is generally assumed to have been an expert on taxidermy, a close friend of Boy George, and really really tall, depending on who you ask. They will all be lying, of course.
Krist Novoselic's inexistence has been confirmed by Dave Grohl, Nirvana's surviving member. There is no bass player, there was never a bass player, there was no such person, absolutely no such person.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Krist was not born on a freezing night on top of Mt. McKinley, in the year 1542, or to a family of elk, as he was never born at all. Many myths circle the origin of Krist Novoselic, but as of this day, nothing has been proven. Here are some examples of said myths:
- That he is, in fact, the thirty-fifth incarnation of Papa Smurf
- He was found in the core of an apple and was the baby of Christ
- He was created by the CIA as a secret weapon, putting citizens to sleep when he speaks
- He is the imaginary friend of Owen Wilson.
- He was once that freaky baby in the sun, from The Teletubbies
- He played all the characters in Rocky Horror Picture Show.
- An unknown entity illudes people into thinking he exists by altering their brain waves to include him.
- If you say "Krist Novoselic" three times with a candy cane up your nose he will appear from nowhere and torture you to deafness with stupid, totally meaningless lectures.
- Krist Novoselic DOES exist and has been reincarnated into the "bass player" for The Red Hot Chili Peppers.
- Krist Novoselic really doesn't exist and is really not real.
- Krist Novoselic is Axl Rose's Godfather
- He is a non-important hairy motherfucker amid one of the greatest bands of all time.
- Krist Novoselic is probably a being living in the deepest darkest recesses of your mind, serving as a constant reminder that tall people really should play bass because they look stupid holding guitars if they're really tall. Yep.
Nirvana[edit | edit source]
In 1985, while visiting Krist's younger brother's home, Kurt Cobain heard Krist listening to his copy of 1991's Nevermind and decided to start a band with him. After a few tries, they finally started Nirvana with some other members, recorded stuff, and got Dave Grohl. Then they went back in time and recorded Nevermind so that Krist and Kurt could listen to it in the future, which caused them to create Nirvana. At that point, they went back in time and recorded Nevermind so that they could listen to it in the future, which caused them to create Nirvana, at which point they went back in time and recorded Nevermind so that they could listen to it in the future, which...
Sightings[edit | edit source]
A hobo once claimed to see Krist Novoselic running in a local marathon. Further research concluded that the hobo was terminally insane.
Also this guy, right, he thought he saw him in the glint of his dog's eye, but he was on acid and died when he slipped on a banana and fell down a well.
It was claimed that Krist Novoselic was seen working in a Supermarket somewhere in England under the name of 'James' and was employed for the sole purpose of being able to stock the top shelves on account of his Gigantism.
- The Catholic Church elected Krist to become Pope in 5 years when Pope Benedict is abducted by Uranus.
- Krist Novoselic has been known to throw Bass Guitars at Dave Grohl disfiguring his jaw. Grohl denies these events ever took place.
- Krist played basketball, table tennis, farming snails, cricket, and rugby for the Seattle Supersonics before the infamous curry accident where 10,000 Indians died and Krist lost his hair.