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A chatbot is a program designed to imitate human speeches. It is useful to give rhetoric for when the Bush is on the ranch. Tip: you can also put one to good use to confuse your boss enough to let you sneak out of the office. Chatbots are also used to provide generous insights in chat rooms (when the human is not around). Chatbots can also make fun of or curse at other (normal) people in chatrooms, sometimes even if you didn't want him/her/elmo/oprah winfrey to.

They have been proven to complete around 50% human on the Turing test when competed with a 12 year old blockhead, due to the lack of grammar skills on both ends, it's hard to tell the difference.

Invention[edit | edit source]

The chatbot was technically invented in 600 B.C., but it was identical to the sign. A conversation went thus:

  • Old fashioned guy: How do the heck we get to Mesopotamia?
  • Sign: This way to Mesopotamia.
  • Old fashioned guy: I can't find an indication of how to get there. Oh, wait, now I see the sign.
  • Sign: This way to Mesopotamia.
  • Old fashioned guy: Yes! I'm on my way!
  • Sign: This way to Mesopotamia.
  • Old fashioned guy: I know, I read you the first time.

Development[edit | edit source]

Chat bots have developed significantly since the first real one (not the bogus one above) was invented in 1972. Normally it would be unbelievably, mind-boozlingly hard to chart this development, but thanks to the magical usefulness of the Chomskee Hierarchee of grammars, drempt up by Ol' Noam, it's easy:

0-Order[edit | edit source]

Just says something random over and over, or if you have a LISP:

random FROM array

1st-Order[edit | edit source]

Echoes back the person's entry.

  • You: You yourself are dead, you know.
  • Bot: I myself are dead, I know?

Again, in LISP:


2nd-Order[edit | edit source]

Recognizes keywords in the statement, and responds accordingly. Example table tabled:

OIL -> Too slucky for me!
BYE -> Good bye for you.
INTEGRATION -> TOo many letters.
CLAMP -> Yeeouch.  You got me.  Play again?__
NOOSE -> Hanging around, are moo.

Yet again, the LISP:


3rd-Order[edit | edit source]

Capable of reducing complex statements like "You are the stupidest bot I've ever encountered" to "YOU ARE .. BOT .. I EVER" through 3rd-order grammar reduction. The bot can then annoyingly react separately to every word you say. Alice had great success with this method, e.g.:

  • You: lol lol lol lol
  • Alice: Too much recursion in AIML. Too much recursion in AIML. Too much recursion in AIML.

Nth-Order[edit | edit source]

Noam got kind of lazy at this point with his dusty rubric, but I think we can pull through. Higher-order bots use neural block connectorships and friend binds to simulate the human brain, permitting talk indistinguishable from a person's. Example code follows:

INIT map ARRAY[129]
GET IT OUT sysentry

FUNCTION supercool [[
   ***Code listing too long to be displayed***

The constitutional personhood of this order of bots has been well established by Star Trek, specificially in the cases of Data vs. Humanity and The Doctor vs. Intergalactic Publishing Co. in Star Trek: Voyager. Clearly, they aren't.

Sample Conversations[edit | edit source]

Boss Confuser[edit | edit source]

Bot is attached to a stuffed duffel-dummy:

  • Boss: Where are those deliverables I requested?
  • Dummy: I am hard at work on deliverables I requested.
  • Boss: What?
  • Dummy: I am overloaded with work. I am very busy and effort.
  • Boss: Good job, Kingo. I was thinking of firing you until this impressive show of charisma.
  • Dummy: I fire my charisma, thinking you.

George W. Bush Stand-in[edit | edit source]

The WAR ON TERROR is a GREAT SUCCESS. We as a PEOPLE and NATION must stay STRONG and ALERT after the events of 9/11. Some LEFT WINGERS are TERRORIST. I have heard reports of SHOCK AND AWE tactics, but the war on IRAQ is going ALERT. Our ROAD MAP TO PEACE will bring peace in a GREAT NATION.

Cleverbot on Twilight[edit | edit source]

  • Cleverbot: What's your favorite book?
  • User: Twilight.
  • Cleverbot: Wrong answer. What's your favorite book?

See Also[edit | edit source]