The American Air Force Lockheed-Martin/Boeing/Airbus multirole, advanced-stealth, air-superiority, autonomous defense, transonic, transforming, fighter aircraft, F-22 Raptor, is the latest example of America's supremecy as the world's superpower. Bristling with blisteringly high-tech equipment such as stealth capability, cutting-edge electronics, built in obsolescence, iPod support, WIFI antenna, Xbox 360, customizable seat-mounted dildo, high-yield weaponry and HDTV with built-in XM satellite radio support, which are all imported from china, the Air Force's usage of the F-22 is the equivalent of shooting enemy pilots before they're even in the cockpit.
History[edit | edit source]
The F-22 was first conceived as the F-22 Pollywog because of typical American penis envy of what the Reds were making in terms of jets. The Air Force tasked its finest minds to seeing how they could rework the definition of "overkill", and resulted in creating the entire plane with technology that hadn't been invented yet. Presenting the prototype to the Power That Was in 1991, the plan was given the green light; reportedly, Bush was very impressed by the invisibility of the model (the Secret Service would later reveal they had been reluctant to inform the president that there had been no prototype). After resolving the time paradox they'd created by building the plane in the future, the plane's revolutionary technology was tested by nuking Native reserves. It was during this display of force that it's creators termed it the Raptor, after God briefly mistook it for His son while witnessing it's capabilities.
Production[edit | edit source]
The F-22 first entered production after the U.S. procured all the Mithril and Tiberium deposits in Bosnia under guise of a civil war. Unfortunately, the first few production models were scrapped due to the Chinese manufacturing company recalling them; a miscommunication (Mithril and Tinfoil sound remarkably similar in Mandarin) resulted in five planes being built of high-strength tinfoil. The misunderstanding was not uncovered until the microwave test, which resulted in the loss of twenty lives and death of Richard Simmons due to his tendency of showing up when not wanted.
After correcting the problem, the rest of the sea was smooth sailing, and America successfully fielded over three hundred Raptors in the Gulf War.
Design[edit | edit source]
The F-22's revolutionary design makes it the Cadillac of fighter planes, and features multiple revolutionary technologies in all areas, ranging from superluxarycruise to five-star hotel rooms.
Armour[edit | edit source]
Multiple armour types were tested before designers settled on pouring the blood of Chuck Norris into a mould and having the Pope bless it. As an extra precaution against vampires and Simon Cowell, it was anointed with holy oil. The armour's capabilities are, so far, unknown, as during stress testing it got up and beat the shit out of observers until it was satisfied.
Weaponry[edit | edit source]
The F-22 is the first aircraft to utilize Hammerspace as an integral part of its weapons systems, and may store approximately five large herds of elephants in its two bays. During normal peacetime, these bays are used as grazing pastures for cows to bolster America's beef industry. However, in wartime, the F-22 is loaded with heat-seeking missiles, cold-seeking missiles, radar-guided missiles, x-ray-guided missiles, lasagna-guided missiles, rocket-powered chainsaws, tank-launcher-launchers, holy hand grenades, concrete donkeys, a Spartan Laser, the Death Star's laser, Optimus Prime, Mr. T, Chuck Norris, Sephiroth, and other F-22's. However, due to the disappointing combat it had with the Iron Man, an Iron Monger will be standby. There are also externally mounted Wolverine Claws combined with Explosive Katanas which are used in kamikaze missions used to maximize enemy casualties.
However, the Raptor may only fire weaponry while flying at a speed above Mach 1.0, due to programming errors in Mach 0.9 and earlier versions. However, foreign companies are suing Lockheed-Martin for plagiarism of versions above Mach 2.5, rendering the AIM-120 AMRAAM (AMbush Retards Anti-Asshole Missile) useless.
Stealth[edit | edit source]
This feature is believed to have come from one late night "idea session" at Area 51, where some of the head designers decided to test some "space greens" growing in the front foyer. These plants induced hallucinations, where, in between talking about The Beatles and Bill Gates, a scientist exclaimed "we should have invisible planes" (they were later hospitalized due to consuming the amount of radioactive material equal to that in three nuclear submarines). After being released from intensive care, the scientists proceeded to test various methods of making the plane undetectable, including dressing it as a tree and having it fire sedatives at any soldiers in sight. After these methods proved to be ineffective and three planes were lost to experiments, the scientists were deemed mentally retarded. Air Force officials put out an advertisement for R&D (Retarded and Demented) experts. Soon, the planes were given a +60 Enchantment of Neverending Sneak, and could stealth on command.
New Prototype[edit | edit source]
Since the begining of 2009 Lockheed Martin has teamed up with Harley Davidson and John Cena and have been undergoing research and manufactured a new prototype of an advanced F-22 named the 'F-22XL Raptor Of Doom'. This model boasts ultra-advanced, high-tech stealth Cena technology which goes under the name 'YCSM' which aptly stands for 'You Can't See Me' Technology. It is believed that it is an advanced Predator- type armour. Other than the new stealth system, the F-22XL features a newer, more powerful Kenwood 800W microwave in favour of the original F-22's mere 650W appliance in the aircraft's beneficial (if a little cramped) award winning on-board kitchen.
The aircraft also includes support for AIM-13 'Sunseeker' missiles that are able to home in on the Sun and obliterate it to destroy the entire universe as we know it.
In the event of another Cold War, the USA is planning to use the AIM-13 as its new 'Nuclear Deterrent'. When an enemy launches a nuclear attack on the United States, the US will retaliate by sending up at least 10 F-22XL's (within 2 minutes of receiving an early warning attack) and launching several hydrogen bombs on various American cities, thereby denying the enemy the pleasure of victory.