Big Pun
“Because, he's fat, he's fat!”
“Me and him, we're brothers.”
“His stage name represents his weight.”
“I wanted to collaborate with him...”
Christopher Lee Rios, better known by his stage name Big Pun (short for Big Punisher), is an American rapper who, for many years, was the only thing holding the Bronx's pizza industry together. Born in the Bronx to Puerto Rican parents, Big Pun was originally a moderately-sized Latino kid. Being poor and having a miserable childhood, unlike other gangsters, who would cope with it by robbing and rapping, Big Pun coped with that by eating and rapping, gaining over 120 pounds in just 3 years. As a result, he was both the inspiration for TLC's My 600-lb Life and a moderately successful rapper. However, due to the feds, who wanted Big Pun to not be fat, he faked his death in 2000, not resurfacing until the late 2000s, when he used the pseudonym DJ Khaled.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Born in the South Bronx in 1971 to Puerto Rican parents, contrary to popular belief, Big Pun was not fat as a baby. In many ways, the rapper was skinny, poor, and unlucky, like many kids at that time. Not much happened in these early years excluding the fact that when he was 5, he broke his leg in a playground and didn't get paid for a long time. However, when Big Pun was 15, he was kicked out of his mother's home after the Bronx realized that Hispanic people can be deported, even if they aren't criminals. As a result, when he got the money from that broken leg, he married his girlfriend Liza and ate a lot to cope with depression, gaining over 120 pounds in just 3 years. This was bad for his health, but helped Big Pun be influential in the pizza industry. The only problem was that he and his girlfriend couldn't tie their shoes, meaning that they weren't able to go outside.
Rapping career[edit | edit source]
In 1995, Big Pun met Fat Joe, a fellow fatty, during a binge on his favorite local Italian restaurant with absolutely no connections to the mafia, Slice of Italy. However, when Fat Joe revealed that he was a high-ranking member of the mafia AND owned the restaurant, Big Pun offered to be a spokesperson for his restaurant in exchange for his first album, Capital Punishment, being promoted by Fat Joe. This deal was successful, and when the album was released in 1998, it peaked at #5 on the Billboard 200 and got Big Pun nominated for a Grammy. Inversely, Big Pun's influence on the Bronx's pizza industry got thousands across New York City flocking to Slice of Italy, making Fat Joe very rich. As a result of this, many, many rappers, including Eminem, seeked to collaborate with Big Pun. However, two years later, their dreams would be destroyed, as Big Pun pretended to die, and after being buried, literally ate his way out, fleeing to Miami. This was because the feds were tracking him as he was Hispanic.
Present day[edit | edit source]
After his staged death, Big Pun moved to Miami, where he adopted a persona as a Palestinian disc jockey who is fat, named DJ Khaled. For some unknown reason, he's famous. His new career, a record producer, has made him copious amounts of money out of releasing albums featuring himself screaming his name while other other rappers rap to beats that other music producers have made and written. Nowadays, he is known for being incredibly fat, and being incapable of rapping, with the latter making it so that he can never reveal his true form. He was featured in Kanye West's 2012 hit song "Way Too Cold (Now Show Me Your Tits)", being given the task of writing a verse for himself at the end of the song. He didn't do so, and instead, ended up yelling his address multiple times like a wild gorilla. These problems were fully shown in "Staying Alive", where by desperately trying to interpolate the Bee Gees, he instead stated thing such as "...we the best music." and "REAL LIFE" while letting Drake and Lil Baby do whatever they could to get them vape sponsorships.
