Sexual Chocolate

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“I normally just put it on her and lick it off, but, on occasion, I like to let it harden, rendering her paralysed. This way, she can't say no to sex.”

~ Me on your girlfriend

“I've never done this - imagine the hair on it as you lick it off!”

~ Oscar Wilde on sexual chocolate

“I heard he's a Master Chocolatier”

~ Former Cocoabaiter

“What the hell's this? Who am I?”

~ Captain Oblivious on ...well, nothing really

Sexual Chocolate is the stage name of the man who created the Wanker Club. His real name is Ryan Bertenshaw. His math teacher calls him sexual chocolate because she is the sponsor. For more information, create the page Wanker club.

This is Ryan Bertenshaw. He liked sexual chocolate so much, he covered himself in it. Head to toe. He then sung about it.

Hitler's Invention[edit | edit source]

For years Hitler had been struggling with erectile dysfunction. However, one day, after he ate a Freddo, he felt ruffling in his pants. To his amazement, the chocolate had stimulated the old boy, and he was now as stiff as a bad back that's been cryogenically frozen for 600 years in the Arctic. Hitler immediately knew what he had to do: cover his mistress[1] in chocolate and he'd be jolly. He named his new invention Ze Fuhrer's In Ze House![2] He became a millionaire.

The Downward Spiral[edit | edit source]

Although he was a millionaire, and living the life of Hugh Hefner on crack, Hitler was not fully happy. His trip to the shop the week before had pissed him off and here, for the first time ever, we can get the conversation Hitler had with a Jew on the way to AMPM.

[Hitler strolling along, whistling merrily. Bumps into man.]

Hitler: Hey pal, step off. This suit cost more than your Granny!

Jew: Soz mate. Soz.

Hitler: Yeah, better had be...hey, what's up with your nose? Your different to me.

Jew: Oh, yeah. I'm a Jew...we have big noses.

Hitler: God, I feel all...better than you. I feel like I'm the...better race.

Jew: Oh, yeah? Well, fuck you man. You dunno shit. Fucking chatting shit wi' your nice suit on. I got an idea...let me look after your money in my'll never get it back, fuckbrain.

Hitler: Wtf? Lulz. You cannot be starting on me, seriously. You cannot be threatening my money. You gotta be joking.

Jew: Nah, I ain't playin'. I'll fucking Uzie you into next week, prick. And I'll do your mum.

Hitler: My mum's dead...

Jew: She can't resist then, can she?

[Hitler punches Jew, and swears that "they'll pay".]

This may or may not have been correct. If you want the full story from people who think they know, head over to Wikipedia. If you want to laugh at some more shit, stay here.

Sexual Chocolate in the 1900s[edit | edit source]

The decline has been well documented, like George W. Bush's cock-ups. Although tasting the sweet chocolate off someone's skin is the best thing ever, people do, occasionally, swallow Pubic hair. This led to the most deaths from any sexual past-time of the last 150,000,000,000 years.[3] The Government put a ban on all sexual chocolate, apart from in China, where the deaths helped rid them of the growing population.

Hitler showing his feminine side. Get in there, ladies!

The "Black Man" chocolate of 1987[edit | edit source]

Another complaint of the chocolate was that it could not be seen on a black person's skin, as it "camouflaged" itself in. A black man said this, "Well, I was putting it on 'er skin, innit, and it went. I couldn't see it a' all, innit, so I ended up biting 'er nipple off, innit, thinkin' it were a clump o' chocolate! Haaaaaaaaaaaa, innit!" He then proceeding to take out his knife, call his "crew" round and stab everyone there. He then rapped about it, like a black Eminem.

To combat this ever increasing violence from the black community, Hitler put out a new version of the sexual chocolate and called it "Now black men can get in on the act 2". This name didn't go down well, so, after advice from Snoop Dogg, he changed the name to "You fuckin' pimps, come get this chocolate for yo' hoes!". Sales went through the roof.

Sexual Chocolate Today[edit | edit source]

Although sales are steady, this article should make people buy it more. Just go out and buy some, slap it on your partner and lick away. Seriously, it's great. Really. Honestly.[4]

The National Institute of Made-Up Figures[edit | edit source]

Sales of Sexual Chocolate
Jars of SC sold in 1800s 56,000,000,000
Jars of SC sold in 1900s 34,000,000,009
Jars sold today 98

Cancer Scares[edit | edit source]

Although the chocolate is perfectly safe in every way (especially the jars I have for sale) some dramatic people think that they may have got Cancer from it! Ha! They didn't, believe me. They just didn't. They probably had Asbestos in their houses, or lived in a Nuclear Reactor or something. The chocolate's fine.[5]

References[edit | edit source]

Although all the things on here aren't made up, some things might be. They're not, but they might be. But they're not.

And I'm obliged to say that the views in this article are not the views of the author, Uncyclopedia or any affliates or associated people. But some of the other authors probably agree with it whole-heartedly...I just don't know which ones.

Footnotes[edit | edit source]

  1. That's not slander, he did have a mistress.
  2. Which is French for Chocolate That Gives You Boner.
  3. The worst was the "burn your partner" stage, where people would set their partners on fire, and try to cum before the partner was dead.
  4. I'm selling some if you want some, but keep it on the down low...if Hitler finds out...well, put it this way, I'll be taking an early shower...
  5. Despite the author's denials, the court cases are still ongoing.

Further Reading[edit | edit source]