Food poisoning

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Food poisoning was developed by the world famous G.P. Dr. Alfred Gregory as a method for humanity to combat food. While not a threat in of itself, food in sufficient (and excessive) quantities may disrupt and interfere with normal human life, and when events have deteriorated to that stage, drastic action is often necessary to remove the pest. Oftentimes, food poisoning is the preferred method to remove unwanted food from a building.

History of food poisoning[edit | edit source]

To fully describe the history of food poisoning, one inevitably must examine the life and early childhood of the good Dr. Alfred Gregory. At a young age, Dr. Gregory suffered a traumatic experience at the hands of food. The nature of this experience is unknown, although he has stated on one occasion that "it involved horrific things with teeth and tongues"[1], suggesting that at some point, he was forced to engage in consumption and digestion with food, possibly for erotic purposes. Regardless, the subsequent psychological scarring was so powerful that Dr. Gregory was diagnosed with PTSD at age 25.

The young Alfred, after being forced to commit acts an innocent child should never have had to (let alone with food), soon lapsed into solitude and depression. Statements by his mother describe him as a complete loner, as though he feared the world and its startlingly high food content. Understandably, he was thus shunned by the other children of his age, as "doing the licky-chewy" with food was "trendy". In his isolation, he turned to books and studying, which led to his prodigal intelligence at an amazingly young age. However, his lack of human-human and human-food interactions inevitably led to his fear of food turning into a hatred of food.

Despite his complete abhorrence of food of any sort, Dr. Gregory managed to survive school by avoiding the cafeterias entirely, and only eating food that had been killed, cooked, and reduced to a form which bore absolutely no resemblance to its source. His earlier fervor for studying had given him enough intelligence to attend university at the tender age of seventeen, and it was there that he was first exposed to organic chemistry.

How it works[edit | edit source]

As its name implies, the process of food poisoning involves poisoning food. Food, a pest in many developed nations worldwide, is also constantly evolving in these countries. Countries such as Template:Ethiopia have managed to evade this crisis. As such, poison remains one of the most effective weapons against food, outshining more modern methods such as genetic engineering and prayer.

Most food poisoning methods involve adding the poison directly to food. As food is largely motionless unless you like your steak extra rare, this method is the easiest, and comparatively safe, making it the most widely used method. However, there are people who fear food to such an extent that they will only poison it at arm's length or further. Such delivery methods include spooning an appropriate quantity of poison into food, dropping the poison into the food from a height, and so on. For those especially paranoid, possible delivery methods include poison darts and liquid poison hoses.

The poisons most effective against food are ricin, cyanide, and arsenic. Their names describe the foods they are the most effective against. For example, ricin is particularly deadly against grains and staples, cyanide is particularly useful against blue cheeses, and arsenic kills most rump meat to which it is added. Of course, other poisons are used against food. Notable examples include:

  • Hemlock, used against hams
  • Strychnine, developed for use against carbohydrates
  • Aconite, a nut killer

The poison added to the food kills the food, in much the same way that it kills other organisms.

Food poisoning today[edit | edit source]

Food poisoning, while having been carried out for millennia, has only been recently accepted as a science, and was not known in its present form to ancient civilisations. For example, the Greek philosopher Socrates once tried to save himself from a particularly deadly strain of water by poisoning it with hemlock. Unfortunately, he did not know that water was, in fact, immune to hemlock, and he died from the venomous bite of dihydrogen monoxide. However, this is an isolated case; it was not until the 1960s and beyond that food poisoning cases were recorded systematically, and so there is little knowledge about the food poisoning scene before then.

  • Food poisoning was at one point especially prevalent in third world countries, but the pest has been eliminated with such success that oftentimes, the only form of food present is a harmless subspecies known as tree bark. Much like the cockroach, food thrives in developed nations, where wastage of resources fuels the spread of this parasite, even though the strongest efforts in food poisoning are carried out there.
  • In Bulgaria, food poisoning is the Government's excuse for using nerve gas on gypsies.
  • In Australia, food poisoning is the biggest form of short, bald Prime Ministers.
  • In the United States of America, it is the biggest cause of liver dysfunction. Food there is such a widespread pest that people have more or less given up trying to kill it, resulting in a population suffering from overexposure to the harmful poisons produced by food.
  • In France, it is thought to be an act of heresy.
  • In England, it is considered high treason to mention it around Buckingham palace and the house of lords.

Fruit[edit | edit source]

Main article: Decomposition

Poisons are largely ineffective against fruit, which are particularly dangerous. Oftentimes, individuals are exposed to fruit unknowingly, whether via a beverage or as an additive. The effects of fruit are difficult to detect immediately, but the toxins are cumulative, and can possibly remain in the body for years. In order to combat this, Dr. Gregory had to resort to unorthodox methods to eliminate fruit, such as waiting for the fruit to rot. This opened up whole new problems, such as death. This side effect was discovered by Dr. Gregory on July 19th, 1949, God rest his soul.

References[edit | edit source]

  1. I heard him say it.