Robot Sex in Popular Media

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The iconic and controversial scene from Brokeback Mountain.

Robot sex has been, throughout the decades, a popular fantasy for many men. I mean why have sex with an actual human being who can emote when you can have sex with a robot that looks just like a woman and doesn't have any feelings. We've all had that fantasy, when you're on a date with an absolutely hot chick and all you want to do is fuck but you have to keep sitting there on the damn date, I dunno. Fortunately, people in Hollywood have had the same idea and have incorporated robot sex into popular media, ranging from movies, television shows and all the way to broadway play productions, and while those depictions have been varied, the idea remains the same. Here are several notable moments of robot sex in popular media.

Movies

Terminator (franchise)

Who doesn't remember The Terminator from 1984, the film that started it all? While many people associate it with a tale of a bleak future and a desire for a better future, what most people don't know is that throughout its various novels, movies and television series, there have been instances of robot sex. One instance of this is a deleted scene in Terminator: Dark Fate that was cut from the film.[1] This scene involves various John Connors and Terminators coming from other Terminator films having an orogy with the Terminators while Sarah Connor watches in disbelief until a robot John Connor comes and she has sex with him for no reason.[2] For those who watched the deleted scene, many penises were turned into boners and those boners eventually squirted out a white liquid that was thick and sticky and stuff. I mean who wants to watch one person have sex with a regular human being when you can watch 10+ people fuck robots for 2 hours?[3]

Her (2013)

Who doesn't remember the movie Her? You know, the movie where a guy leaves his human wife for an artificially intelligent assistant. Well what you probably will remember is a point in the movie where the protagonist has sex with the AI assistant, except she's in a robot body with no explanation as to why or how she got in that body. What matters is that the protagonist does doggystyle with the robot until he eventually ejaculates,[4] all while the robot does a sexy voice while simulating an orgasm. Which could be done because you know, it's the future and all. They got technology for that shit right?

Futureworld (1976)

While many people know about Westworld from the superior HBO series, you'd be forgiven if you were surprised that this film even existed. On the surface, it was a film about robots replacing important people but at the core, it was a 1 hour, 30 minute hardcore porno film. Almost as soon as the film starts, the female main characters finds out she's a robot even though minutes earlier, she was human.[5] They then meet some robots named Delores and Maeve who look absolutely stunning but there was a twist thrown in. Instead of the man having sex with the robots, they have sex with each other. This was mainly due to a desire to include a lesbian relationship where two robots were fighting with each other for the fate of the human race just to give the sex some tension. Don't worry, the two main characters have sex with each other that they enjoy because they're robots and the majority of the film is just hardcore lesbian and hetereosexual robot sex. Surprisingly, when compared to the HBO series, it got less favorable reviews because people couldn't understand what was going on and thought it was dry and boring.

I, Robot (2004)

Will Smith, seen here with his wife, Sophia, was never the same after appearing in I, Robot.

While the film had to be toned down to reach a family friendly audience, it still had its moments. One moment is when Will Smith at the end of the film thanks Sonny, the NS-9 unit who saved his life who then reveals to him that he is in love with Will Smith who then recipropriates the feeling after a few seconds; they then proceed to have sex afterwards which was heavily critiqued by racist film critics who stated that a black man shouldn't have sex with a white colored robot. I mean what does color have to do with anything, it's robot sex; just enjoy it for what it is!

You've Got Mail (1998)

While many people may not think robots are in this movie due to it being a romantic comedy. The truth is, the female rival book store owner turns out to be... wait for it... a robot! It was heavily hinted throughout the movie with such chat messages as "I want to fuck your metal exterior and ejaculate inside you", to which she then replies... "I want to understand what love is, I as a robot have no idea what love is but I would love to have your fleshy dick inside of me". The novelization of the movie also heavily mentioned the robot's desire to have sex with the human, completely ignoring the book store altogether because let's face it, that shit was bo-ring!

The Sound of Music (1965)

This grand film may have been praised for it's cinematography and musical numbers, but what most people don't remember was that there were several instances of robot sex in the film. Due to revisionism, they think that the songs have to do with hills and stuff, when in actuality, the songs have to do with a human's desire to put his flesh into some cold round steel. One notable instance is the climax of the film where the man sings "I've never felt love like this before/I've never fucked like this before/My life is complete/for I fucked a robot!" all while the robot simulates an orgasm thanks to the advanced technology of robots.

Casablanca (1942)

Mortals may think that this film is about two humans loving each other, but to robot sex historians like me, it's about a man and a female robot who fall in love and have sex several times. Though the dialog may be cheesy and dated, you could see the core intentions of the film through its various dialog and sex scenes. Lines like "I don't think I can love you like a robot can" and "I think I can emulate emotion in my memory banks" sparked protests that lasted for weeks, mainly due to the alien nature of robot sex at the time. Those protests then led to riots which led to the entire film being re edited. If you know where to look, you can find the original version of the film with all the robot sex intact.[6]

Television

Seinfeld

Ah Seinfeld, who doesn't remember the show about nothing. While it may have had unique humor and various concurrent running storylines, people forget about one storyline where Jerry buys a Macintosh Plus and begins to form a relationship with it. Somehow it could talk and make witty jokes but despite that, it was one of the most memorable storylines of the series that ended in a fantastic conclusion where the robot said "You know Jerry, you got a small dick but you fuck real well. Steve Jobs would be proud" and when confronted by a Elaine who looks gorgeous for the 90s for not being interested in her, Jerry says "Sorry gal but you're not a robot and robots are sexier than humans!"

Law and Order (franchise)

Throughout the various Law and Order shows, there have been numerous[7] instances where the main detectives interview women who just so happen to be robots. While interviewing the robots, the detectives get boners which had to be pixelated by the censors at NBC due to "practices and standards". Fortunately the censors at NBC allowed instances where detectives fucked the robots because in their words "Robots are cooler than humans anyway, get over it". The franchise got a lot of flack from humans who were protesting the fact that "women were getting sidelined in the industry" when they were really envious of the robots who had no emotion and could take a fucking without complaining.

Gunsmoke

Though the series may have been surpassed in the number of episodes by The Simpsons, the show itself is notable for its various portrayals of robot sex despite the western setting. It was like a proto-Westworld but instead of the robots being lesbians, they were straight.[8] While the show may not be remembered today due to its misconceptions about the Wild Wild West, people who did watch it remember fondly in their old age for all the amazing moments where the illustrious hero would put his hard human dick into cold metal steel after saving those damsels in distress.

CBS Evening News with Walter Cronkite

Though it may not be a drama/sitcom/whatever... It was groundbreaking for its coverage of the 1963 JFK assassination where a robot assassinated John F. Kennedy and then proceeded to drive down to the CBS headquarters in New York where the robot got to be interviewed by Walter Cronkite and when he asked "why did you do it?", she replied "so I can have sex with you" and then she proceeded to have sex with Walter Cronkite for 24 hours. Despite it being sex and not news, CBS's coverage got high ratings which lead ABC and NBC to collaborate in the field of creating a robot who would destroy the world. That robot would later turn out to be Sarah Palin.[9]

Critique of Robot Sex in Popular Media

Sex with humans sucks as hard as this album stops sucking at track 2, and then starts sucking real hard again at track 4.

Some people who are jealous that robots can fuck better than humans[10] have organized against robot sex and called for the removal of robot sex from all popular media using such reasoning as "it's unfair to robots" or "it's disgusting and goes against god" or even "I don't like it". Well if you don't like it then you shouldn't be watching robot sex in the first place! What are you a robot hater, do you hate a robot just because it's a robot? Well let me tell you something, God gave us the technology to make robots and God gave us the ability to design robots that we could have sex with. If God didn't like that he would come down and say "You know what, I don't want you having sex with robots because I don't like it." But he does like it, and you know why? Because God is into robot sex just like every other human male in America. I've had a human wife and it was horrible, all she did was complain that I was neglecting her emotionally and she didn't give me sex all the time. What's worse is that when she got pregnant, I had to take care of the kid. I had to change my number 10 times because my 25 year old male son wanted to get in contact with me and I don't like him because he was the product of non-robot sex.

At least with robots you could have sex with them and they won't get pregnant because they're robots! You can fuck them over and over again and they won't complain and they'll always take it because they're robots. They're supposed to follow the 3 laws of robots, one of them is to not harm a human and because of that, they're better for having sex with than a human. Man I wish robot sex actually existed, then I could indulge in my fantasies all I want.

See Also

References

  1. For what reason, I don't know.
  2. I'm serious, the script for this scene didn't list a reason.
  3. Yes, it was that long. It had to be placed on a seperate Blu-Ray disc.
  4. Which took a really long time due to the actor's inability to ejaculate within 5 minutes.
  5. The explanation given was that robots were cooler than humans anyway.
  6. You can find it on The Pirate Bay, for example. Please don't sue me Warner bros
  7. Like 90% or somethin'...
  8. because in those days if you were a lesbian, the devil would pop up and mock you all while he ate a donut, you couldn't even understand what he was saying because his mouth was full of food.
  9. Because if they created a man then it wouldn't be sexy for me and you know how female robots are sexy. If it were a man robot I would not have written about it.
  10. Cause they don't complain and stuff.
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