Un-Bestiary
Yea, thou hast walk-ed into the halls of evil, the Un-Bestiary. Here, thou shalt finde the records of beastes so woeful, so devious, that thou shallt shudder at their very sight. Ye fearsome Grue will be the least of thyn troubles, as thou meetest the other creatures of yore founden in Uncyclopedia.
In short, we do ask of thee but only one thing: If thou hast come upon the lair of a creature so fearsome that it hath made thee fear for thyn life, for the love of all things goode, add the records of that same beaste to this collection of creatures! But minde ye these parameters of doom:
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 The 500 foot Jesus begins his assault on planet Earth.
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The 500-foot Jesus (also known as “Big J.C.”) is an enormous machine of destruction, and a possible metaphor for some kind of religious-atomic bomb. The 500 foot Jesus is best known for his assault on the world's cities, and his duels with well-known supervillians Santa Hitler, fire breathing al gore and Robo-Hitler. As you may have guessed, the 500 foot Jesus is exactly 500 feet tall and could therefore kick just about anything's ass. Watch out for that shit.
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 Typical Uncyclopedia administrators.
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- Main articles: Real Ultimate Power, Adminses, Wiki Administrators, Uncyclopedia: Administrators, Special: Listadmins
These people are the people you depend on. They check your spelling. They huff your trash. They redirect to your article. They format your text. They steal your laundry detergent. They walk your dogs. They clean your dishes. They drink your beer. They wash your car. They organize your files. They sleep with your daughter. They brush your teeth. They even guard your articles while you sleep. Do not fuck with them or you will be blocked.
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 DO NOT FEED THE POLITICIANS!
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The American Politician is a common household pest across most of the United States, although one turns up in Canada every once in a while. Originally created as a big "screw you" to King George III, these pesky buggers now control most of the free world.
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 Figure 8: A group of ants play a prank on an unsuspecting tree.
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Ants live underground. Most ants accept this as simply their way of life, although some rebellious ants have attempted to live aboveground in things such as trees. Most ants reside in underground apartment buildings. Inside these buildings are everything you could expect in an apartment building. There is a kitchen, a bathroom, a runway – naturally, scaled down to a suitable size for the ant. Most ants purchase their first apartment building when they come of age, at about point three minutes old, give or take point four minutes.
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 The Satanic purple beast himself.
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Not to be confused with Barney Frank, this purple monstrosity is a known predator of small children. He made his own show on TV, tricking people into thinking he is a non-violent DinoChristian. He is actually a fat purple asshole and a minion of Satan.
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Any one of the very large, snake-like reptiles. Basilicas can grow to enormous proportions. The most famous, and largest, basilica is St. Peter's Basilica in Vatican City, which is also the very first of these beasts. Other notable basilicae include Godzilla (Basilica halitosisia), Bowser (Plumberibus archnemisus), and Kraid (Basilica spacia).
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 BENSON DECRIES ALL FAKE BENSONS.
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BENSON IS HERE! BENSON TYPES IN ALLCAPS! REAL MEN USE ALLCAPS! BENSON IS BETTER THAN YOU!
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A creature much like bigfoot, itt is a hairy, monkeyish thing that lives in the woods and rapes/eats campers. As its name suggests, it has a large ballsack that hangs all the way to the ground and it actually has to drag it around as it walks.
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 Don't let his cuteness distract you.
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Bigfoot was born to Alistair and Jenette Crandall in 1954. Early in life, his grades were poor, thus, his career killing people camping in the woods.
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 Britainy Spear, a species of sea-bird native to Great Britain and a province of France, shown singing for its supper.
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The Britainy Spear (britanniay hasta), a sea-bird native to Great Britain and France, is the largest known bird by at least one ostrich. The average adult grows to a size of a moving van, give or take a wheel-well, and eats its own weight in food every 48 hours. The Britainy Spear has no natural enemies, and even less friends.
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 Savage fight to the death.
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The bull mouse is popular among small-game hunters for its magnificent antlers, which can stretch up to 4 to 5 inches across. Although they may approach humans, bull mice are are to be feared: A mouse that decides someone has crossed into their "personal space" will knock down the offender and kick and stomp until the threat stops moving.
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 A bunyip enjoying a XXXX beverage.
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One of the earliest biological weapons in history, bunyips are deadly Australian creatures, originally suspected to be hobgoblins of the unimagination. They enjoy XXXX beverages, swimming, and infant flesh. However, careful research and wanton cruelty towards them have indicated that they are, in fact, just regular hobgoblins.
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 El burrito, como la mayoría de la fauna de México, es delicioso pero mortal.
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El burrito (Pasteles carnei) es una bestia de carga muy pequeña que es apenas más grande que la cucaracha Mexicana, y casi dos veces tan delicioso y picante. El pequeño burrito lindo es tan asombrosamente fotogénico que ninguna cámara fotográfica en la Tierra puede hacerle justicia, así que se nos fuerza a colocar un diagrama evolutivo aburrido…
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 A Cabbage gloats over the skulls of its defeated enemies.
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Try to fucking eat it. Just fucking try.
A Cabbage can kill you just by looking at you funny. They rip people in half all the time, and roll around in their bloody entrails. They wouldn't even think twice about tearing off your arm, and jamming it through your eyesocket so that the fingers are sticking out your mouth, and then kicking you in the nuts, which would make you BITE YOUR OWN FINGERS OFF. The purpose of the cabbage is to flip out and KILL.
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 Chipmonk, comsuming a monk who has strayed from his monastery.
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Chipmonks are generally 2 to 10 metres tall, with strong arms and legs, and incisors designed to tear through monk-flesh and habits, leaving square chips, hence the name. They generally prey on solitary monks, although they sometimes attack large monasteries.
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 Chocobos are used primarily in civil war re-enactments.
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Chocobos are bird-like mammals used for many recreational and theatrical purposes. They come in many colors and flavors, and do not taste like chicken, so stop asking me. Of the different colors of chocobo, none is more desired than the Gold Chocobo, whose name,like all chocobos can be spelled with or without a capital C. There are also over 20 different ways to say the plural of chocobos/chocobo/Chocobo/Chocobos/chocobbi/chocobies.
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El Chupacabra (also known as the chupa-thingy) is a mythical beast that lives on the island of Puerto Rico. This creature is believed to be half man and half Guido. This creature known in Spanish as the goat sucker has been seen spending most of its time in clubs in New Jersey.
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 Cookie Monster is a whore.
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The Cookie Monster (not to be confused with the raccilla) was first mentioned in Oscar Wilde's fourth book Tales from the Street. Originally created as a metaphor for all things evil, this creature soon came to represent more pleasant things such as pornography and funerals. Children are told of how the Cookie Monster will bring gifts to the good children, and kill the families of children who say he does not exist.
Recent scientific tests have proven beyond all doubt that the Cookie Monster is a real entity, although he may usually go by the alias George Foreman. The Cookie Monster is 892 years old.
The Cookie Monster has been the subject of huge media attention after displaying his abnormal eating disorders on the popular freak show program Sesame Street. His eating disorder is thought by many sociologists to have influenced a majority of Americans, which is why they are so fat.
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 A young anime girl is chased by several demons.
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A type of mouse commonly found roving the highways of Middle England with the intent of giving small children their daily allowance of chocolate. Not to be confused with a rabbit.
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 Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers!
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Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers!
Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers!
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 The famous painting of DinoJesus by Leonardo Donatello Michaelangelo-Raphael DiCraprio
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DinoJesus, a.k.a. Raptor Jesus, roamed the Earth circa 90,000,000,000-65,000,000,000 BC, long before the days of Regular Jesus. He lived back in the day when God Himself was still only a teenager. God was going through kind of a rebellious phase. Rather than making beings in His own image, He populated the Earth entirely with giant lumbering reptiles. Unwilling to enter his world and change things himself, God created DinoJesus. DinoJesus's primary role on Earth was to convert the dinosaurs from the paganistic theory of Evolution, and foster a new belief in Intelligent Design. Opponents of his theory, primarily the darn Romans, viciously attacked him, condemning him and his followers to extinction.
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The Dish Monster is a creature that lives in apartments across the world. These insidious creatures consume living-mates food, and shit dishes in to the sink, pissing off everyone in the apartment. They are believed to be related to the Loch Ness Monster, as well as dinosaurs and the Chupacabra.
 Albi, the Racist Dragon can be seen burning a village of black inhabitants, otherwise known as a Ghetto.
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Dragons come in many different shapes, sizes and sexualities. They can tell us a lot about Humanity. Some people are "Dragons"..Many dragons refuse to come out of their caves, unless it is to pay for takeout food or return their library books… and of course kick ass. Thus, the series of rare images below will allow us to make many complete and utter assumptions about the life of a dragon. These beasts will kick your ass and burn you to ash in a split second.
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 An adorable baby Drop Bear. Don't look up…
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Drop Bears are a fearsome mutant species of Australian marsupial that prey on unsuspecting American and Japanese tourists, but have been known to attack stupid locals who venture too far into known areas of infested forest. They drop down from trees… DUH.
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 Fuzzy Pink Bastard
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The bloodthirsty mascot of Wikipedia's battery company, the Energizer Bunny is a dangerous foe. And just when you think he's done killing the masses, he just keeps going and going and going and going…
…and going and going…
 This is what an Eurg looks like after it has eaten you.
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Eurgs are the antipode to grues. "Antipode" is a very old Latin word meaning "equally nasty little creature". Eurgs are quite the opposite of grues in every respect. Except for one. They want to eat you, too. You thought you could get off easy, didn't you? Too bad! Eurgs are about 42 feet high. There are 74 eurgs currently living in the United States.This would qualify them for "Endangered Species" but eurgs don't like environmentalists. At least without ketchup.
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 A vicious Euroipod.
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A Euroipod is a creature that gives itself away for free in return for
- a) Money
- b) Referring friends to do the same
Visit http://euroipods.com today for yours!
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 A Final Fantasy Fantard.
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The fantard is a human subspeices that is even more dangerous than grues and can easily beat a fanboy in seconds.One might not seem much,but they wilk always come at masses of 20-30, looking for the critic prey or troll invaders to attack with. And they will even ruin and suffocate the fandom they subside, by drawing the gay couple that is the most fathfoming of eyes.What is even worse is, they will attack using a way even the normal trolls will never imagine. The only savior against this ferocious creature is 4Chan and the EDiots of somewhere.
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 Midgets in their natural habitat.
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Fear not the Feral Midget, for although it can be a dangerous creature—by default—they are peaceful, only coming out of their underground chambers to gather food and offer midget sacrifices to their eight-headed midget god. Not to be confused with midges, a much more vexing and evil creature.
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 Often confused with the bullfrog or the artichoke.
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The ferocious flesh-eating foot (Tyrannus carnopedi) is in fact a very rare and ferocious semi-arboreal organism that lives in stagnant pools of water. Unlike any other creature known on this Earth, the ferocious flesh-eating foot lacks not only eyes or ears but also a prehensile tail and X-ray vison from it's gallbladder. Nevertheless, this creature is exceedingly cunning and is quite capable of extreme acts of violence. Resembling most any other foot, it is virtually impossible to identify until it is too late.
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 The rest of the fish are hiding.
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The Fish Within A Fish Within A Fish Within A Fish Within Another Fish is—as its name suggests—a fish within a fish within a fish within a fish within another fish. Often prone to uncaring, angry fishermen, drunken stagger, and poisonous seaweeds, the Fish Within A Fish Within A Fish Within A Fish Within Another Fish is regarded as one of the highest-quality seafoods in their world. It is also one of the most difficult foods to prepare, as the Fish Within A Fish Within A Fish Within A Fish Within Another Fish is five times the fish and therefore five times the warrior. Like Aquaman, only not so gay. Sikon is trying to hunt these to extinction.
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 Furries, having captured humans, but not any other kinds of people, for some stupid reason.
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The infamous fur-covered cartoon beasts also known as "funny animals"—although the jury is still out on if they're funny strange or funny ha-ha. Furries were born when a computer virus created by a corrupt Sonic the Hedgehog game mutated and begun to infect people, first altering their personalities and then their physical characteristics. The transformation continues until the victim is covered wth fur, mutated ears, a tail, and their mind is altered by the virus so several are Naked Mole Rats. They were shunned by the people who have come up with a vaccine for the Virus (Used only on two known people: Jimbo Wales and Dr. Ivo Robotnik) and then rebelled to overthrow people/neopet society. Furries are part of a vast worldwide conspiracy to dominate the world with gratuitous use of Walt Disney cartoons and subliminal messages hidden in MTV videos. Phyllis Diller led the Invasion Of The Furries in 2001, calling for mandatory clip-on ears and tails for everyone, and back/belly rubs with skritches every Friday after work.
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 A smiling Fusestopper.
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Fusestoppers are creatures from the Impossible Quiz that defuse bombs when you click their icon. Their natural habitat is in question, duh.
A crystal ball that uses rock guitars & old synthesizers.
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 Gamers fought many a bloody battle during the Nintendo Revolution.
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While ostensibly people, Gamers are not people in the traditional sense. They possess the uncanny ability to play video games with deep interest for more than five minutes, and some have super-person mental capacity (though they normally use it to store information about video games). They show no indication of having energy most of the time, but are known to receive random bursts every few years to fight in the Great Console Wars. Despite many warnings from the Surgeon General, people don't understand the strange nature of these semi-people.
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 Behold, the Gazebo egg. Its mother is somewhere nearby.
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Gazebos are very large creatures of legend, some growing as large as small houses, though the largest is by far the Emperor Gazebo, which grown to an astonishing 50 meters in height. All gazebos start their lives as shiny, perfectly round eggs planted by the mother gazebo, but soon hatch as Trellises. In this stage of life, the young Gazebo fends for itself by covering its body in a plant-like material for camouflage while feeding on a diet of puppies and kittens that wander too close to its kill zone.
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 Many myths about the gelatinous cube were dispelled, when National Geographic featured them in 1986, bringing this gentle and elusive creature to the public eye.
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The Gelatinous Cube is a creature that was discovered by National Geographic, consisting entirely of poisonous goo. For this reason, it needs little protection or concealment from predators. No, the Gelatinous cube does not come from Cuba (land of cubes), but rather from the mystical plane of Mordor.
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 A Giant enemy crab.
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Giant enemy crabs are a rare species of crab found along the Japanese coast. Although they were once fairly commonly distributed along the Japanese archipelago, extensive hunting and planned attacks on spawning sites have caused the number of giant enemy crabs to severely dwindle, especially during the early 20th century. Giant enemy crabs are the largest species of crab in the world; unfortunately, they are also the most hostile and the worst tasting type of crab as well.
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 The Venus Fly-Trap like subspecies is common throughout the mushroom kingdom.
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Yet another common cyber-foe, Giant enemy plants are considered a staple enemy among many dungeons, caves or similar gloomy dark area. They appear in a wide variety of shapes, sizes, colors and attack strategies without having a noticeable weak spot. Notoriously dangerous, they attack with their sharp-toothed mouths (sometimes multiple), scythe-like arms, poisonous acids and toxic sludge.
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 A Grue. Note the squareness and gapped teeth.
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The Grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi) is a horrible box-shaped beast known especially for eating people ravenously and without warning. Few, if any things can kill a Grue, and most likely you will be eaten by one. Grues can be found anywhere that's ominous, dark, and loaded with random humor. There are no ways to protect yourself from being eaten by a grue, though many have tried by pitting their own grue against another grue. The grues usually team up to eat the victim 99% of the time. Grues truly have no natural enemies except light, non square doorway's and other grues who disagree with them, much like people. Warning: Do not assume anything by the previous sentence!! Grues are not people!! They WILL eat you!!
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 Grubby Little Bastard
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House Elves (Rowlingus Imaginarius) are short, grubby, disgusting little creatures with the likability factor of a Republican Vice-President. In the English class system they sit just below Gypsy Dogs and just above Chelsea Football Club. Due to a brain that is about as well crafted as one of those cheap Chinese water pistols you buy on market stalls, they speak very poor English (roughly as much the common household baguette) and can only just about perform simple tasks like cooking, cleaning and texting.
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 Mine's bigger.^
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Humans are a species of meat-based lifeforms which, despite there being a multitude of specimens in captivity across the universe, can only be found in their natural habitat on the planet Earth. Their primary means of attack is to fire concentrated energy beams from their palms, shoot volleys of projectiles from their fingers, or else to just pound pathetically against their foe's impenetrable hide with their forelimbs while weeping softly. Their ultimate power is insanity. No human is ever truly sane.
Their closest genetic relatives are clay and God's breath. They are known to be extremely delicious.
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 It's a lie!
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Though not an animal per se, the story of the coming of the hummingbird is one worth listening to, unless you're a bloody Canadian. Invented by Canadian apricot farmers in the 1940s to explain a mysterious drought which devastated the year's harvest, hummingbirds are perhaps the biggest hoax ever perpetrated by any government, EVER. Even more than Sweden's infamous "Rubber Moose" gag, or North Dakota. If you ever see a hummingbird in the wild, immediately shoot it, as it is most likely a Canadian spy satellite or psychotic cyborg sparrow.
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A hybrid is a super-sized version of a mirid (not to be confused with myriad), a variety of leaf bug. The hybrid, however, is twenty times the size of the mirid, usually has blood dripping from its mandibles, and has the devil in its eyes.
 Yep, that looks like a hyena to me, nothing wrong with this image, mhmm.
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The hyena (Hyaenidus chucklesia) is an extremely unpredictable carnivorous herbivore which ranges all over the African continents, and is a major contributor to the plight and poverty (giggle) of the disease-wracked region. Even though hyenas look like dogs and act like dogs, scientists were retarded enough to classify them as being related to mongooses, this is obviously untrue, that's why scientists realized their mistake and reclassified them as dogs again.
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 Gashe upon the Hypellansh in their homeworld. Do you shee the shplendor?
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The Hypello are a race of aquatic people created by General Sean Connery (and are thus known for their Scottish lisps) when he came to power in the Third Potato War. They live in the country of Narnia and worship the Shoopuf, a God whose job is to help them cross the river of weaselpudge. They hold great reverence toward their god.
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 Artist's rendering of an Imaginary Pet.
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Imaginary Pets are a semi dangerous pet given away free at pet stores. By semi dangerous I mean they can distract you from looking both ways when crossing the street. In their natural habitat Imaginary Pets are reclusive and mostly harmless. They can however be summoned by a wizard and used as a level two illusion familiar. They have standard animal inelegance and are chaotic neutral but have been known to learn human languages. Made up of almost pure invisible illusion they cannot be seen or interact in any way with the physical world.
Normally an Imaginary Pet is invisible, intangible and formless. When summoned however an Imaginary Pet is only invisible and intangible. Being intangible the Imaginary Pet cannot normally influence the physical world, but in the hands of a powerful wizard it can act as a level one semi-sentient telekinesis spell. A summoned Imaginary Pet is not formless but shapes itself into a form the human mind can comprehend. This form is most commonly a 6'3 1/2" rabbit, a pair of tennis shoes, or a human child.
The Imaginary Pet has the ability to teleport back to its home plain instantaneously. It does this whenever it senses danger or is over fifteen feet away from the controlling wizard. Imaginary Pets can eat any type of imaginary food. They are omnivores and cannibals and Imaginary Pet hunting is a common sport in imaginary land.
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 The legendary Jesusaurus rex is estimated to be the largest land carnivore of all time, and the most bloodthirsty of the jesii.
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Jesusaurus rex (jeez-us-soar-us rex) (lat. "King of the Jesus Lizards"), also known as J. rex and "The Prophet of the Dinosaurs", is one of the final forms of Jesus, and is expected to visit Earth sometime around the year 2021. Not to be confused with Raptor Jesus or Jesusaur, Jesusaurus Rex is a carnivore, and he's out with a vengeance.
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 Jimbo Wales. See how much of a monster he is?
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Jimbo, Princess of Wales, is the God-king of space and supreme deity of the universe. It's an awesome responsibility and, looking at that photo, you now feel reassured that it's in safe hands.
James Bo "Jimbo" Wales (Welsh for bastard) is a well-known huckster, con man and dictator of Wikiland, who has adopted a lifestyle of libertinage, debauchery, international travel, and Ferrari connoisseurship by standing on the shoulders of a million nerds. He is a high-ranking member of the GNAA, and frequently trolls the satirical "encyclopedia" Wikipedia as part of his official duties. He is well known for his amusing stunts.
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 AAAAAAAA! Killer Africanized Giant Fighting Desert Lobster!
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The killer Africanized giant fighting desert lobster (Scorpious pinchius) is a fearsome, unrelenting beast of the Australian Outback and Northern Sahara that tastes great with beer and melted butter. The story of the killer africanized giant fighting desert lobster began when non-killer non-Africanized normal-sized peace-loving underwater lobsters were taken away from their native radioactive waters of the Sea of Japan in the early 1950's and brought to Africa in a desperate attempt to take over the bulk of the continent from the vicious machete-wielding Tutsi warriors (not to be confused with the "Tootsie warriors", the peaceful soldiers of Willie Wonka from the Choco-Lands).
Immediately, the natives took a liking to the gross creature, and taught it to pinch the ass of the white man instead. The killer Africanized giant fighting desert lobster's main method of killing prey is to wait until its prey (usually a tourist on safari) passes by, where upon the lobster then pounces on the victim, injecting a sugary venom that's a hell of a lot sweeter then Splenda, if that's even possible.
 Behold ze kitten, JFK's true killer.
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Kittens are the most dangerous hunters ever. Avoid at all costs. They will kill you, much like Grues. However, kittens are also currently on the endangered species list, mostly because whenever you litter, masturbate, or turn on a lightbulb, God kills a kitten. Yes, God is a very sick person.
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The King of monsters is a brown sheep-like beast who has a big smile. He seeks on people who torture Cookie Monster (and other damn monsters) and people who play the fool sometimes. He is the master of all creepers, Cookie Monsters, Oscar the Grouchs, Ghasts, slender men, Plushies, grues, UberGrues, Anti-Grues, eurgs, wild bush cars, scarecrows, and H.R. Pufnstuf.
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 An unfortunate clown being eaten by a Kookaburra.
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Kookaburras are a carnivorous species of bird. They are known to eat lizards, mice and clowns. They have also been known to eat cans of Chef Boyardee's Ravioli if there aren't any circuses nearby. They are also seen snarfing down gumdrops when they go into candy stores.
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 Kitsune, office parties, color scanners and alcohol; generally not a good combination.
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There have been rather strange incidents involving kitsune at office parties getting inebriated and exposing themselves to color scanners and printers. The results can be understandably rather disturbing to many of their coworkers. The two examples pictured are among the milder ones. Other humans often also under the influence of alcohol, aroused by what they see of the drunken kitsune's true nature have chosen then and there to become kitsune. Oddly, alcohol can make the transformation go much more quickly (but it is much more fun sober believe me)
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 Don't touch his stuff. Dammit! I said don't touch his stuff! Do you have a thinking problem or something?
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The best kept secret in Asia, since your mom's photo album of her backpacking trip "accidentally" ended up on the internet. Now she's number two, which brings us neatly back to the pictures. What was I saying before? Oh, yes, the rats. Fear them or die trying.
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 Ring-Ring casting a sperr of some kind.
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A relative of the Pikachu, the Ling-Ling is an extremely rare mouse-like Pokemon. Ling-Lings are difficult to capture, but they are often seen hanging around the sets of reality shows. Their abilities are lightning-elemental, and they often secrete a valuable liquid that has been sold on the black market.
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 A lobstermoose visiting its larvae in a puddle of poon.
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Lobstermooses will kill anything in their way. All three genders are equipped with large, dangerous antlers used primarily for disemboweling every living thing that crosses their path, and big, meaty claws for the chopping off of heads. Avoid at all costs.
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 Pure pwnage.
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Mantis Shrimp may look delicious but they are actually poisonous. DO NOT EAT.
 This is NOT a flying marmot.
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You may have heard of a flying squirrel, but have you ever heard of a flying marmot? Not only can Golden Marmots fly, but they can also shoot laser beams from their eyes, have super strength, supersonic hearing, can turn back time and can breathe ice. Golden Marmots stay mainly in cold areas, residing in igloos and driving ice cream trucks. Their hobbies include serving people ice cream, snowboarding, surfing, and winning surfing competitions which enables them to buy massive amounts of gold.
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 The ever watchful Mattress stares at the photographer distracting it as his partner goes in for the kill.
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Mattresses are curious creatures that are found in the gaseous swamps of the planet Squornshellous Zeta. Mattresses enjoy flolloping and gurlaughling. Other activities include wurfing, volluing, lurgling, vooning, and listening to classical jazz music at an extremely low volume. Dead Mattress carcasses are a very important intergalactic commodity as they are often freeze-dried and used as sleeping surfaces. Mattresses very rarely come back to life once they are thoroughly dead.
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 Morphology of the Death Worm.
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A rare desert amphibian the Mongolian Death Worm will kill you. Anytime anywhere before you see anything it will kill you. Thought to electrocute anything wearing yellow or vermilion hats, many theories exist to explain how a creature could evolve this behavior but all researchers have been electrocuted. Many concede the Mongolian Death Worm to be a myth and it likes it that way.
 A mole with its long nose tentacles, used commonly for grabbing prey from the surface of its underground lair.
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The typical Mole is a rodent-like creature that is blind. Moles have sharp claws that are used for digging through the soil. Moles also wear goggles for some reason. Many moles have wriggly tentacles attached to their noses. The tentacles are mainly used for sense to make up for the mole's blindness. Sometimes, the tentacles can be used to grab prey and the legs of people who walk over their molehills.
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 Moomins particularly dislike Soviet battle tanks.
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Moomins (Moominus hippopotamicus), though generally considered lovable creatures, are in fact extremely lethal, and responsible for the deaths of hundreds of innocent children and goldfish. The Moomin's characteristic round appearance is caused by their lack of an anus, causing them to be bloated with shit. Don't make fun of them for this, however, if you value your life!
 Mosques often contemplate whether humans taste any different from dragons, once they've been reduced to a puddle of protoplasmic ooze. Oh, that's right: they don't.
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Mosques, or Mollusks, are squidlike alien demons that rule most of the universe and are worshipped as Gods by most peoples of the world. Although most are malevolent, like their would-be leader, a few, such as Zoidberg and Ackbar are actually good guys; a shame, then, that these good guys have almost none of the phenominal cosmic powers typical of their race. If you encounter one, and it isn't the doctor or the admiral, then you better get the hell down on your hands and knees and PRAY TO IT, BITCH! If you don't, well then I cannot be held responsible for the consequences, and I will not offer my condolences to the family of a twit such as yourself.
What, you want MORE?! What the hell is wrong with you, you sick freak?
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 A textbook attempt by a n00b to procure something decent. Once again, all attempts at un-mediocracy are futile.
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The n00b, also spelt newb, n00blet, noob, and occasionally nub, is an animal known (prepare for Oxymoron) for being highly skilled at being inept. The typical diet of a n00b consists entirely of balls unless the balls try to turn the tables and eat the n00bs instead, which is what usually happens. It is also physically impossible for a n00b to use the ! symbol, most likely because their short n00bish arms are unable to reach the Shift Key and the 1/! key at the same time. <sigh> n00bs…
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O[edit | edit source]
 The first Oedipus skeleton.
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Oedipus Rex was the dominant predatorial species of dinosaur inhabiting the majority of southern Achaean peninsula until it went extinct due to inbreeding, blindness, and reproductive practices of leaving their young on mountains to be found by shepherds.
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The robotic villain that appears on the TV show Rolie Polie Olie. He has a younger sister, Zowie.
 Barbara Bush..the first of Orcs to be in the White House.
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Orcs are a group of creatures, that are ugly looking. If you want to say that to their faces, though, avoid.
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 No longer is it confined to Photoshop, bitch! Create your own ostrich-ninjapirate today!
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The ostrich-ninjapirate is the disgusting bastard child of an ostrich and a ninja-pirate forced into loveless bio-sex by a team of Finnish computer technicians on Adobe Photoshop, or sometimes Paint Shop Pro. When this evil deed of evil was first carried out in 1966, the ostrich-ninjapirate came to life and multiplied itself twenty times in a matter of minutes. The group then hijacked a spaceship and went on to invade several planets. Ostrich-ninjapirates still exist on earth in some parts of The Netherlands—and possibly Utah, though most experts discredit this theory.
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 Ouroboros as envisioned by devout Ouroboroists and theology undergraduates.
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Ouroboros is the omnipotent, cyclical deity at the center of the Ouroboroism religion, represented as an ancient serpent who eats its tail, or alternatively, a huge, pissed-off doughnut. The symbolism behind this is the eternal renewing cycle of the Universe - as Ouroboros eats its tail, it is destroying itself, but it is also renewing its body. Of course, some would question why Ouroboros doesn't just stop eating his tail and go down to the 7-11 and buy a bag of Fritos or something.
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P[edit | edit source]
 What the hell is this?
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A peacock is a type of Australian pest best left unsaid. Adorned with things all over its head, body, and tail, colors bursting out lightshow style amid feathers the softness of baby's thigh, the whole thing drenched in sunshine seasoning mixed with that thing you inhale from the hot-breath of Pilipino back-room scented ring-toss hostesses, the peacock has friends in high places and seldom goes home alone.
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 They may look like harmless little goldfish thingys, but piranhas are actually evil creatures that want to eat you alive!
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A close relative of the common Grue, piranhas are evil fish with jaws that take up their whole body. Despite their tiny size, they are no laughing matter. They are plotting our downfall right now! Run..or Swim…do whatever you do to stop piranhas from killing/eating you!
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 A red (FE0000) pixel (actual size).
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A pixel is a very tiny winged fairy whose body is constantly surrounded with a square field of colour. There are said to be 224 different colours of pixels, among them Light Goldenrod Yellow (FAFAD2) and Evil Gray (AAAAAA).
In battle, pixels are known to group into various combat formations, the most common of which is the "pointer" formation, consisting only of black (000000) or white (FFFFFF) pixels forming the shape of an arrowhead constantly pointing northwest. Pixels resist magic but take double damage from cold iron and magnets.
Though pixel populations have soared worldwide in recent decades, very few have succeeded in capturing and taming the spry creatures. Tame pixels are so highly valued that one particular individual earned one million dollars by selling a vast menagerie of pixels that he had captured as a boy, a hundred at a time.
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 Proof that there is no such thing as God.
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The platypus is the shit. And not in the good way, either. Like the Ostrich-ninjapirate, the platypus is too a bastard child, but unlike the Ostrich-ninjapirate, is a creation of a fucked-up God. But when the first explorers came upon the platypus, all but one of then converted to atheism, and not the peaceful kind either. The angry, contemptuous, all-Christians-are-ignorant-motherfuckers-and-God-is-a-stupid-lie-type of atheism. The reason: the platypus is proof of a flawed, imperfect God. Oh, and that one explorer who didn't convert—he killed himself. Yeah, platypussies are the shit. See also: Moogawooga, the Platypus Deity of Choice
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 This cute, cuddly creature could be...your worst nightmare!
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Originally believed to be harmless home-made sex toys for lonely old perverts, the Plushies have since been revealed to be a race of alien marauders bent on galactic domination. After leaving their home planet many eons ago, these fuzzily-disguised extraterrestrial rat-bastards have rampaged throughout the Milky Way, raping, pillaging, eating, and in some cases fluffing entire planets. As if that wasn't bad enough, they spend a great deal of time hanging out around Wal-Marts.
 The fate of anyone unfortunate enough to wander into the path of the HP Printer (Printus takes forevertoprintius).
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Printers are domesticated cybernetic organisms. They come in many varieties, from Olde Worlde to Laser Jet, and while only some of these varieties can properly digest electricity, they all share an appetite for paper. Ironically, paper contains very little nutrients which the printer can extract, and usually the paper is excreted by the printer in an almost unchanged state.
They are known to have the most complicated urinary system in all of creation, with which they excrete ink in highly complicated patterns and sequences. With the aid of a computer, the printer's owner can train their printer to excrete ink in various patterns desired by its owner. The most famous of these printer trainers was H. P. Lovecraft.
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"I WHEEZE am your SNORT father PANT!"
It is well known that Anakin trained several toy dogs in the art of the Sith. Since they are already cute and appear to pose no threat, they could sneak into an enemy base and annihilate everyone. However, only one apprentice was worthy enough to be Pug Vader. He was dipped in lava, given his own suit, and a space doghouse like a mini-deathstar. The terror of the Rebel's dogs, he was killed by Obi-Wan Kaninebi.
Q[edit | edit source]
Qwerties are a species of small, fuzzy birds. There are nearly none left, as they have been hunted to near extinction by such alien predators as the Dvorak and AZERTY, and it is predicted that by the year 2015, there will be NO qwerties left at all. Though most qwerties are now kept as pets in people's homes, where they can be stroked gently by their human owners over and over again, their wild ancestors engaged in the hunting of the "mouse", a rarely-filmed mating ritual.
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R[edit | edit source]
 There has been significant evidence of 'interesting' genetic mutations..
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Rabbits have two front legs, one back leg, laser eyes that can shoot people up to 6 metres away, and one of their distinguishing features is their large ears. Being frequently interpreted as the epitome of cuteness, rabbits have a misleading reputation and are almost as likely to attack and kill everything that moves. Varying in size from 3 to 6 meters, these vicious predators are one of the most feared creatures in Middle Earth.
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 A rabbid preparing to attack.
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Raving Rabbids are only one of the most deadly small mammals known to man. These freaks of nature are like mutated versions of normal rabbits. These creatures, like rabbits, have huge teeth and long ears. What makes these creatures different is their lack of noses and necks, and their huge blue eyes that turn red when they get crazy. Rabbids first spawned their evil in the game Rayman: Raving Rabbids. Rayman, their nemesis, now lives as a Basement-dweller due to the fact that the Rabbids have become more popular than him. The Rabbids have invaded more video games and now have their own series of video games, thus increasing the likelihood of them bringing the world to insanity. BWAAAAAAAAAAA!
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 A rock in its typical habitat, white backgrounds.
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Rocks were first domesticated around the Stone Age, where they were trained to do tideous mind-numbing tasks like breaking other rocks to make rocks for breaking other rocks. Rocks are tough. Granite is pretty tough. I knew a granite once....I dated a talc once, as well. Didn't work out, she was too soft for my taste. I like my women TOOUUGH!!, like granite. But that's beside the point…Rocks are cool. Everybody likes gems, but you know what, rocks are awesome.
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S[edit | edit source]
 It's watching you…
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Scarecrows are an indigenous race of people who are made of potato sacks and are filled with hay. Once living peacefully, they were captured by the humans and brought into the American Slavery Corporation. Many scarecrows were nailed to wooden poles to scare away crows, even though the crows were too smart to believe that stupid joke. Despite those years of abuse, the scarecrows quickly adapted to their new environment and their numbers thrived. Scarecrows began slaughtering massive numbers of rednecks who wandered into sunflower fields at night. But they can be easily deterred because they have no brains and are therefore stupid.
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 Hey, look it's George Carlin!
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Smartasses are a type of donkey (or "ass" if you're British) with an IQ higher than the average ass. Though they are now free to crack wise about all our mommas, smartasses were once kept solely for slave labor up until the signing of the Emancipation Proclamation, that fancy document that rhymes. But they were still denied the same rights as non-smartasses. However, in the 1960s, smartasses began a civil rights movement which took America by storm, guaranteeing them a place among humans. That's not to say that there aren't people who want that to stop. I mean, no one likes a smartass. Every political party since the 1960s has desperately been trying to return smartasses to their former status, though the Democrats are hesitant because their mascot is a smartass, as are many Democrats themselves.
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 Rare Snuffleupagus sighting in Molokai
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The Snuffleupagus is a shaggy elephantine Muppet which lacks ears and tusks, an evolutionary trait employed to escape the interest of ivory dealers, the elephant's main predator. They are known to befriend birds of similar height to their own. Such birds are thought to be responsible for grooming the Snuffleupagi's fur and devouring the juicy ticks that dwell within.
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 Grrr… Google will pwn y00! Bwahahaha!!
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Space Chickens are known to be lazy, however, legends say that JKR, it's lazy creator blames everything at the Chickun because the Mad Toon Monkey Thing Show is always late. "Space Chickens come from outer space" at least so Captain Ovelia claims after interviewing JKR. Space Chickens are claimed to be naïve, crazy things made out of rubber and acid plastic green goo filled with a playdoron substance created by the collision of minerals and electricity therefore giving the substance the ability to form into a flexible shape. God, I'm hungry. And thirsty. Maybe I should go… Eat some water… Man d00d hyppi had some gud inspiration!
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Science has uncovered the existence of something hiding under your bed. We don't know what it is, but there is definitely something under your bed. We also know that it's big, ugly, and wants to eat your head. Hell, there could be a whole bunch of somethings under your bed...watching you...right now. Although we don't know exactly what's under your bed, scientists say it may most likely be:
- Bogeyman
- Demons
- Grues
- Cookie Monster
- Michael Jackson's ghost
- The ghosts of kittens that have been huffed to death
- Dr. Zoidberg
- Wild boars
- Possibly all of these
We now have technology that may just be able to get something out of your bed. But right now, we're using it for more important things, like ending Global Warming, finding a cure for diarrhea, stopping wars, getting whales off the endangered list, and trying to discover food that is both healthy and delicious at the same time. You're on your own here. More? Just look under your bed…
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 A sugarglider right before the kill.
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The sugarglider, sometimes called the Flying Death, is a ferocious, evil, gliding possum native to Earth and Australia and currently competes with the bunny as the most ferocious animal on Earth. The sugarglider is extremely dangerous, and like the Xenomorph, will attack humans with no provocation in their attempt to control the galaxy. Organizing themselves into huge armies, sugarglider generals direct their minions into war, attacking and killing humans in a matter of seconds. There is an on-going battle in the hopes of stopping sugargliders once and for all, led by General Alcarcalimo. Also, they eat dead babies, just thought you should know. Why? Because you touch yourself at night..and I watch.
T[edit | edit source]
 Run, atheists, run!!
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The Taahgaarxians are evil, soul-eating anteater-like creatures dispatched by God during the Apocalypse to kill all atheists. Their motto is: "One lick, and they're dead", and it is no exaggeration. Originally thought up by "writer" Tim LaHayes for his completely true propaganda literature, God has recently bought the copyrights to use Taahgaarxians and they are expected to kill all atheists by December 26 of 2073.
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 A Talent Agent in its natural habitat
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A Talent Agent (species name Crocodylus Tenpercentius) is a creature native to the hills of Hollywood and the urine-soaked streets of Los Angeles. They are wild, carnivorous, and absolutely fabulous. They also have waaaaaay more money than you do.
 A Tasmanian devil on its spinning rampage of death.
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Tasmanian devils are basically mutated demon squirrels that first spawned on the island of Tasmania. Despite their size, they are extremely dangerous creatures that will kill you on sight! They have dozens of sharp teeth packed in huge jaws disproportionate with the rest of their body, and also have the ability to spin like tornadoes. They can also give you a very painful headache with their loud screeching/growling noises that are usually made when they fight over a carcass.
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 An artist's impression of a Thesaurus. Quite
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The Thesaurus was a biblivorous (book-eating) therapod dinosaur which lived during the Lower Uncyclopedian era, the last stage of the Cretinous period, 66–65 million years ago. It was first discovered by Winston Churchill in Oxford by in 1910. Many dinosaurologists (people who study dinos) agree that Thesaurus—though it had a large brain capable of analyzing syntax, etymology, and word meaning in 20 different languages like a Grammar Nazi—probably did not have an intelligence beyond that of primitive reptilian standards, though it was the smartest in its grade.
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 This thing grew out of a colony of E-Coli on a piece of room temperature beef.
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You see these things here and there. It's always best not to look, you might find one attractive. This would be a sign that you're not human, and you will be happier not knowing you're not human. So just don't look, okay? Trust me.
U[edit | edit source]
 An ubergrue. (
 obviously, duh) |
An Ubergrue (death) is a creature resembling a grue, and a member of the grue family (though not actually a grue itself). They are the only known predators of the grue and the eurg, and also enjoy eating humans. They are the most powerful animals in existence and are made out of sheer awesomeness. There are approximately 12 of them worldwide, and their most common home is the void. No one knows where they come from.
 The last thing that your bodyparts will see!
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Das Umlautmonster (also called das Umlautungeheuer) is a shady figure, behind cupboards and bookcases lurking. It is of cruel, wicked, pedant, and sadistic nature (die Natur). It has nasty fangs and two huge, dot-like eyes above its enormous, wide mouth hovering. The umlaut monster feeds on the body parts of people who mistakes in German grammar do. It can also very mad at you get if you merely to capitalize any single Noun in a Sentence forget. Remember Word Order! If you Mistakes in Word Order make, will the Umlaut Monster two Body Parts instead of one consume.
 Beware of Uncle Fester's rods.
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Uncle Fester is a human-like being who is known to make people kill themselves. Often Fester would be working in the darkest of places and instead of carrying a torch around he decided to be a little more inventive and fed 2 rods through his mouth, down his gullet and into his stomach creating a zinc-carbon battery. He then connected the remaining wires to a light bulb. As you can see in the picture, this was quite dangerous and could result in serious injury to those around him. AVOID!
 A typical unicorn, soon after a recent run-in with some flesh-eating bacteria.
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Unicorns are large equine animals characterized by one (1) big honking spike of doom protruding from their forehead. The spike, when sliced off and used as a cup, is known to remove all toxins from its contents. Unfortunately it also makes any beer poured into it taste like teetotaler's urine. It is believed that, with the aid of high-velocity particle accelerators, three unicorns can be fused together to form a triceratops.
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Dangerous near Unix and Unix-like operating systems. Avoid if using one of those systems.
 The Ultra Duck Megatron before it eats its prey.
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Ultra Duck Megatron is a robot duck that was created by the 
Ultra Duck Professor in 1844 (8652 in duck years). The food that Ultra Duck Megatron eats includes minerals, meat, bones and ground up solar panels. According to the Ultra Duck Professor, the Ultra Duck Megatron is made up of rocks, electric and mechanical materials, and obsidian for the throat. It has been famous throughout the years, and has been used for unusual tourism.
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V[edit | edit source]
 He vantz to zuck yurr blaad!!
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Vampires are the pasty-faced individuals who love biting the necks of young Hispanic boys whilst they sleep (the boys, I mean, for vampires never sleep). There are many myths concerning the weaknesses of vampires, but truly, only one thing can stop them: Olive Garden. Oh yes, they can step into direct sunlight, stabbed in the heart by a stake (not steak, those are delicious), and be shot with a silver bullet (wait, wrong monster), and they still won't die. But take a vampire to the any place saturated with garlic, and instant implosion of the testicles is inevitable.
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W[edit | edit source]
 A wild Wallet in flight!
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The Wallet is a wild, angry bird creature of death, similar to the unicorn and liger. Rumors used to tell of the Wallet flying over towns and villages and swooping up the banks with his large talons. However, this is untrue, because Wallets are not Jewish.
 Over time, Wardrobes turn a reddish color due to their diet heavy in blood.
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The wardrobe is perhaps one of the most horrible, yet misunderstood creatures that wander the Canadian wilderness. The first person to ever discover the Wardrobe was the fearless adventurer Parco Molo, who set out with his team of biologists, hunters, and one sherpa to find the elusive animal (and of course, kill it, but that goes without saying). The wardrobe, a beast known for its tendencies to lead young children into fantastic lands fraught with peril, is thought to have evolved from the Cupboard (Cupboardius maximus), which in turn evolved from the Shelf, a now extinct creature.
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 The weasel, is in fact, the fiercest animal on the Serengeti Plains.
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Weasels are reptiles of family muselidae and are honorary members of the von Trapp family. They spend most of their time in biodomes, or bio-enclosures of other sorts. They are known to be more or less constantly engaged in family feuds. Little is ever made of the involvement of weasels in the Gambino crime family, or their studio work with Sly and the Family Stone. Needless to say, "weasel" is synonymous with "family" in many walks of English life, except Wales. May the Queen save us, anywhere but Wales, where weasel is spelled gycnwtdth. Damn those whales…
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The Wikipedia Monster (French: la Monsteur Wikipédie) was a snake-like water beast that possessed numerous heads and poisonous breath. It was killed by Sir Uncyclopedia in his first trial. Not very well known, the extinct Wikipedia Monster was killed by Sir Uncyclopedia. It was then killed by another user for being a stub, before being recreated.
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 Protect your account's ownership capital!
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A Wiki Mule is an account created by an actively contributing Wikipedophile or Wikithug for the purpose of carrying offloaded negative or unflattering activity tied to his or her primary account. Unlike the common, everyday sock puppet, which normally exists to support the original account identity in "edit wars" and other Wikinastiness, the mule exists primarily to carry its creator's psychological burdens, and is left to wither and die if the charade is successful.
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Many years ago, the immigrants discovered drunk driving and threw all their wrecked cars in the forest. All those years in the wild have created feral cars that run over critters and eat them. They also kill people. And they release deadly gases into the ozone layer. These creatures are found in many parts of the world and are commonly seen driving across open roads, where they spend most of their time running over anything in sight. They have built-in GPS systems which help them locate their prey. Heck, one could be waiting outside your house waiting to run you over.
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X[edit | edit source]
 OH GOD IT'S GOING TO KILL YOU!!!
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Run. Run now! THE XENOMORPH WANTS TO FUCKING KILL YOU!! RUN YOU ASSHOLE, RUN!! Oh God, oh, God, oh God, I'm dead. The Xenomorph is coming! OH GOD IT'S COMING! RUN, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, RUN! IT'S GOING TO FUCKING KILL US ALL!!!! Oh God, There's More!! Fucking NOOO!!!
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Y[edit | edit source]
 A fierce You in its natural habitat.
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- You just lost The Game.
- Can you dig it? SUCKA!!!!!
- You are not The One.
- You are very very !!!
- Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at "dicks fuck assholes"
- You have a dim realization that nature has played a cruel trick on you but lack the intelligence to realize the magnitude of that trick.
- Nobody is dumber than you are.
- You assassinated JFK.
- You kicked my dog.
- You are now entering.... the Twilight Zone.
- You most definitely are not Ogden Nash.
- You have no chance to survive, make your time.
- You smell of cabbage.
- You have drunk enough coffee in your lifetime to fill the Indian Ocean.
- You are a dangerous, highly addictive narcotic and people would like to know how to quit you.
- You have a large, swelling, pulsating boil below your left eye. You keep going to the doctor about it, and he keeps prescribing these weird yellow pills. Here's a tip: The pills are filled with tortoise urine, and the boil will become a living organism and eat your testicles.
- You seem to have an erection.
The Yowie is a large, predatory hominid believed to inhabit the forests and jungles of Australia. It was known to the Aborigines as the Yummi Yummi, and has long been regarded with a mixture of fear, admiration and superstitious awe. They are said to have migrated to Australia from Belgium across the land bridges which formed during the Permian ice age.
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Z[edit | edit source]
 Braaaaaaaiins!
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Zombies are humans which are the byproduct of any process which perverts the natural death process of the individual by allowing the decaying corpse to walk amongst the still breathing to fulfill the needs of the lower brain to feast upon the living and watch American Idol. Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiins!
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The Zombiebaron is a fairly uncommon relative of the Zombie. A lot of Zombiebarons are admins on really crappy wikis. They are known to only live in Canada and to be obsessed with chopping potatoes and using the {{against}} vote.
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 It's worth at least 75 points, man.
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The Zzaardvark is always the ultimate winner at Scrabble Tournaments. Because of this, the Zzaardvark is has been widely banned, and is no longer able to participate – unlike its arch-nemeses the Jeek or the Eeuaa. This is unfair, because Scrabble Tournaments should not be judged by a bell-curve; and should be non-discriminatory.
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