Bigballz
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“Crikey! Those are big balls!”
“Rhaaargh!”
Bigballz (also known as Sascrotch) is the name given to a race of hairy, ugly, unintelligent, ape-like creatures living in the forested areas of North America. Unlike Bigfoot (who is obviously real), nobody is sure whether or not Bigballz exists. People have been searching for Bigballz for many years. Usually they end up getting eaten, lost in the woods, or locked in asylums. What we do know about Bigballz is that it has big balls (its namesake).
Description[edit | edit source]
Bigballz is described to look like a big hairy monkey-thingy or something. It is said to have an incredibly ugly face like that of a toothless old guy who spends his days laughing hysterically at the walls for no reason. Bigballz fur is said to be either black, brown, and sometimes blonde. The blonde ones are the dumbest. It also has very looong arms that wiggle around like the arms of a wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man.
The most distinctive feature of Bigballz is its abnormally big balls, which are said to droop to ground. Fortunately, they are usually hidden by its pubic hair, which is the same color as its fur. The fact that it has to drag its ballsack on the ground as it walks makes Bigballz a slow mover. Though nobody is sure what those big balls are for, scientists say that they show off their balls to other woodland creatures to prove their status as the dominant species.
Bigballz are also said to very stupid creatures, possibly even retarded. One creature was seen selling its car for gas money. Recently, a group of hikers reported to have heard the creature yell out "I am Bigballz and I don't exist!". This may be one of our biggest pieces of evidence to prove that Bigballz does exist (if it exists).
Habitat[edit | edit source]
If Bigballz is real, it lives in the forested areas ranging from southern Canada, the United States, and northern Mexico. Its preferred habitats include coniferous and pine forests. The creature has sometimes been known to wander into campsites, usually attracted to stuff roasting over a campfire or little children.
Diet[edit | edit source]
Other than those unnecessarily huge balls, Bigballz is also known to be a predator of campers. Bigballz has been known to devour annoying campers who piss it off. The creature has also been reported to sneak into camps tents at night to rape and/or eat little kids in tents. Bigballz is also said to sneak behind campers sitting by a campfire, push them in, and then roast their weenies on a stick. Scientists suggest that Bigballz does not tolerate the presence of human beings in their forest home and will huff them at sight. Bigballz also hates raccoons for some reason, maybe because they steal stuff and eat garbage and shit everywhere. My God, I hate those furry little bastards!
Sightings[edit | edit source]
The earliest reported Bigballz sighting took place in Summer of 1825, when Charles Darwin was camping in the woods.
“So there I was putting up my tent. I turned around and saw some freak of nature looking straight at me. It was this big hairy ape-thing with a butt-ugly face. What freaked me out the most was its hairy ballsack which literally touched the ground. If this isn't the wierdest thing on earth, I feel sorry for the guy who discovers the naked mole rat.”
A few years after, a hunter who went into the woods reported seeing not one, but two Bigballz, who immediately stripped him and beat him mercilessly. It was then the world knew that there was more than one Bigballz out in the woods.
Even today, Bigballz sightings are reported. Campers have frequently reported waking up to see Bigballz or some other hairy thing sleeping in their tents, having their heads bitten off a few seconds later. Chuck Norris says that he once had an encounter with Bigballz. He described Bigballz as "the best meal he's ever eaten". A scoutmaster claimed to have seen Bigballz while taking his little kid scouts on a nature hike. The scouts didn't see it because the scoutmaster covered their eyes (you know why). Some guy lost in the woods reported to see Bigballz, but he couldn't find anyone to tell it to because he was lost in the woods.
Perhaps the most convincing evidence we have yet is a video of Bigballz taken in the Rocky Mountains. A hiker saw what appeared to be Bigballz smacking a goat's ass with a porcupine. He managed to capture two minutes of footage before the creature bit his head off. I saw Bigballz taking a crap in my backyard last night. I took a picture of it, and you can see it here.
Capturing Bigballz[edit | edit source]
Many people who have claimed to see Bigballz have attempted to capture the creature to avoid being sent to asylums. Bigballz is especially a target for trophy hunters, who have been planning to hang those big balls over their fireplace. Claims say that Bigballz is one of the few non-human creatures that know how to use a gun. They have been known to devour hunters, steal their guns, and save them for future use. Hunters recommend using caution when hunting Bigballz. Most people use pie hanging from a string on a branch as bait (everyone loves pie). Things commonly used to capture Bigballz may include a big cage, a leaf-covered pit with spikes at the bottom, a giant bear trap, or if you're smart, use a giant sledgehammer.
Some people have become well-known for pathetically wasting their lives trying to capture Bigballz. Local hunter Elmer Fudd has said "be vewy quiet, I'm hunting Bigbawz, heh, heh, heh, heh". A naturalist named Steven Irving has been obsessed with catching Bigballz since he was a kid and is probably in the woods trying to fulfill his dream right now. Some hunters have even planned what they would do upon capturing Bigballz:
- Hang its balls over their fireplace.
- Sell its body to a museum.
- Beat it with baseball bats.
- Hunt its family.
- Huff it.
Find the Loch Ness MonsterWaste more time.
So far, everyone who has tried to capture Bigballz has failed miserably. Some of them have even jumped off a cliff having wasted their lives looking for something that doesn't exist. Most of the creatures caught in the traps are either bears, wolves, retarded campers, or feral midgets. Yet today, people are still trying to capture Bigballz waste their time. If you are wandering through the woods and see pies hanging from a string, it means you are near a Bigballz trap. If you get closer, you may kill yourself.
Claims that Bigballz exists[edit | edit source]
In an interview, Oscar Wilde has stated "If Bigballz does exist, it may be a new species of ape. It would also be the animal with the biggest ballsack. This would be a major discovery!". Some scientists have considered the possibility of Bigballz existing in the United States, due to the high amount of easy prey (fat guys and unsuspecting little kids campers). President Barack Obama has recently issued a Bigballz hunting season and is offering a million-dollar reward to anyone who can bring him the creature dead or alive. If dead, he will hang its balls over his fireplace. If alive, he will ride it like a horse.
Claims that Bigballz doesn't exist[edit | edit source]
While some scientists claim that Bigballz exists, others say that it is a hoax and that people who believed it have wasted their lives looking for it. Skeptics believe that bigballs may be just a grizzly bear on crack, a retard in a Gorilla Suit, or a guy who got lost in the woods and forgot his shaving cream. Albert Einstein has said that, with all the bears, skunks, and serial killers with chainsaws lurking in the woods, a creature like Bigballz wouldn't be able to adapt to life in the forest. Another person has reported seeing Bigballz riding a unicorn, but was sent to an asylum when she told someone. How could something that doesn't exist ride a unicorn? Just to tell you, unicorns exist.
Is Bigballz real?[edit | edit source]
I don't know. I was asking you.
See Also[edit | edit source]
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This article is part of UnbestiarY |