Grue

Grue
Grue
	OMG, RUN!
Scientific classification
Domain	Eukaryota
Kingdom	Animalia
Phylum	Chordata
Class	Mammalia
Order	Zorkia
Family	Gruesomicidae
Genus	Gruesomicius
Species	Ravenousi

“It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.”
~ ancient proverb

“I'm being eaten by a grue.”
~ Captain Obvious on being eaten by a grue

A grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi) is a box-shaped gap-toothed mammal known for eating humans, though more recently they have been known to kill certain lone wolves, construction workers, a gerbil or two, speranah, the occasional monkey, people who send annoying chain e-mails, your pets, and ... well, grues like eating a lot of things. Grues are not often seen roaming the wilderness in herds, whistling old-time Irish pub songs, working on crossword puzzles, and calculating the amount of back taxes owed by car salesmen. The reason grues are not often seen doing anything is because grues live in total darkness, so the whole "seeing" thing would be kind of hard to do. The likelihood of being eaten by a grue is probably non-zero.

It is widely believed that all emeralds are grue, but in fact, all emeralds are bleen.

There are an estimated 47 grues left in the United States today due to the grue conservation program - luckily all grues are kept under heavy rocks, or locked away in abandoned biker bars. Of course, being creatures of darkness that tend to eat anything they can get within range of, these numbers are likely inaccurate, outdated, or simply made up by the same people who tell us that pretty much everything causes cancer.

The game of Zork consists entirely of being repeatedly eaten by a grue.

Habitat

The natural habitat of grues

Grues can be found in all the dark places of the world, your mom's cookie jar, for example. They also have been found in your basement and under the bed of bad little children who don't brush their teeth or eat their vegetables. One characteristic of grue dwellings is that all of them contain an equal quantity of priceless treasure. Nobody knows for certain why this is so. The prevailing theory is that the presence of the treasure provides the grues with a near-constant supply of adventurers to devour. An alternative theory reverses this relationship: since adventurers often carry treasures with them, and grues cannot digest treasure, any treasure found in a grue dwelling is merely detritus from its many meals.

Subspecies

Apart from the common grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi ravenousi), there are many, less common types.

While not as square or deadly as their adult counterparts, baby Grues should never be handled.

Russian grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi soviet)

“In Soviet Russia, grue is likely to be eaten by YOU!”
~ a Russian reversal

The rare Russian grue can be killed by almost anything, and is common prey for oxen, weeds, cow tongues, sand castles, and lawyers. When a Russian grue reproduces with a regular grue, it will create a kitten. The reason for this is unknown to modern science. But who really wants to study the reproductive aspects of grues? _{Not me!}

Se grue doþ ned nan armour, for se grue is impregnabel. Þus, se Ealden grues ne am an life nu.

Auld grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi mediaevalis)

Old grues, seen on the left, were chivalrous and swordwielding knights, who would (unlike today's grues) offer mercy and be courteous as the victim was eaten, usually offering a quick and painless death as opposed to fiery fangs and searing pains ripping through the enemy's body. Old grues liked to rescue damsels, but this became a problem when the grue was unable to resist eating the damsel. This was very troublesome for old grues and damsels stopped calling for help, afraid they would be eaten by an old grue. Real knights errant were really pissed off that they couldn't find any damsels anymore, so they took advantage of the old grues' mercy and non-ruthlessness and killed them all.

This is how most grues look in the half-second before they eat you.

Ur-grue (Gruesomicius superiori youhavediedii)

Scrawled in the margins of medieval bestiaries are descriptions of a single terrible and powerful grue spellcaster known as the Ur-grue. It is said to be completely immune to all of the traditional grue's weaknesses – surrounded by magical darkness which naught but sunlight can penetrate – and most conventional weapons will either miss completely or cease to exist upon contact with its body. It is, however, partially vulnerable to extreme sarcasm. In addition to its fearsome natural armaments, the Ur-grue is armed with a multitude of spells, such as cleesh (change foe to small amphibian), yozozzo (change foe into small duck), and onkik (unknown, possibly magic missile). The Ur-grue is currently serving as the final boss of Zork, after usurping the position from the Grue King.

Others

For a short time, speranah were considered to be a subspecies of grue, but the person who suggested this was soon beaten to death and everyone forgot about it.

Interestingly, grue is a generic paste manufactured exclusively in Japan (exported as Ehrmers™.)

Grue-slaying

It's a shame. Nobody told the stickfigures from the Anti-grue Defense Army that grues can't be killed with swords. Oh well.

Grues cannot be killed with these things

Guns, religious characters, fruit, air freshener, croissants, dubs, Pikachu, scented candles, chainsaws, Stalin, two cows, milk, martial arts, any sweet or sour foodstuffs, dentists, Democrats, Wikipedia, Uncyclopedia, explosions, Republicans, Karl Marx, Ben Affleck, the IRS, shoulder blades, chain mail, semen, gambling, swords^[1], axes, Dick Cheney, Quail, Sugar-snout Beavers, Trix, pretzels, Neil's Bike, lances, ninjas, pirates, ninjas, Pirates, or any combinations, the Anti-Ninja Organisation, you, the Anti-Pirate Organisation, the Anti-Pirate-Ninja Organisation, blind people, fat people, Tony Blair, goatse, SpongeBob SquarePants, Online RPG's, Edward Cullen, Bella swan, Jacob, Pure Genius, Freddy Krueger, Freddy Grueger, Hummer H2s, 50 Cent, porn, asian people, 12-year-olds invading the Internet, Dan's Mum, Maozilla, Mozilla, sermons, speranah, cheesy poofs, system, pi, poop, wheelbarrows, Marth, kryptonite, Pinkie Pie, Jason Voorhees, butter knife, feet, Princess Celestia, Princess Zelda, King Harkinian, Bob The Builder, your underwear, glade, air, water, brainstorming, The Big Lebowski, thou ungrateful whelp, Holy Hand Grenade, Bronies, Coon and Friends, or George. Attempting to use any of the above (even at the same time) in grue-slaying will result in you being eaten by the grue.

In recent tests performed by experts who asked not to be named but were killed anyway, grues CAN in fact be killed by ninjas. This however is extremely unlikely to happen outside of testing as ninjas and grues have made certain agreements about sharing the darkness (ninja-pirates are not included in this). However this was made without the knowledge of the anti-ninja coalition and the anti-anti-ninja coalition and has since then been proved untrue on account of the ninjas being orange.

Grues can be killed with these things

The proper way to eat a grue

A grue's recent attack on the metropolis

Sporks, but only if they are handled by the almighty potato.
Light, except when the plot demands that they can't.
They can also be killed by Hadokens, but that requires nine levels of Black Magery.
The anti-comma, although it will not only destroy the grue but asplode the hell out of everything within five miles.
Not you.
Grues can be killed with most things on the LOWTDEBS, although they don't actually exist and should thus be disregarded.
Grues can also be killed with abominably bad grammar. If you is grue; stops read before now, you eye start frys.
Grues can be killed by Auntie Grue and her brilliant schemes and use of sarcasm, but unless you can summon her you're still screwed.
Grues can also be killed by eurgs, but that destroys the entire universe in the process, so nobody's ever tried it. Plus, carrying n eurg around with you invariably results in the eurg's eating you.
Extreme sarcasm (yeah, right(!)) (Note: this risks killing everyone else in the vicinity.)
Chuck Norris can kill grues. No questions asked.
Bruce Lee can destroy anything and anyone. He has done the one-inch punch at outer space, which caused a massive black hole the size of 42 galaxies. Oh, and he kills grues too. No questions asked.
Ninja Chef eats grues for dinner, although whether or not he kills them first is unknown. Also, eating grues for dinner is not a known way of killing them (cf Oprah)
The Old Man From Scene 24 asks the grue a question, and if their answers are wrong/they attempt to eat the old man they are cast to the gorge of eternal AIDS. But his only weakness is King Arthur, and questions used to answer a question, which asploded my mind due to the paradox.
Jack Thompson can kill them by sueing them so much that they cannot eat anything because they're in court too much and they starve to death.
Jesus can kill them, because he can pwn anybody he wants to.

A method once tried for slaying a grue is to attack it with your own grue, but you should look at this table for the reasons why this is incredibly stupid.

Absolute-Best-Case Scenario	You win the lottery, become a multi-millionaire, and do the impossible: eat both grues.
Better-than-best-case scenario	You win the lottery and become a multi-millionaire ... then get eaten.
Best-case scenario	Both grues kill each other, which is damn near impossible.
Next-best-case scenario	Your grue kills the other one and eats you. You're dead, buuuut at least you killed a grue.
Worse-case scenario	The other grue kills your grue and eats you. You're dead, and your grue got its butt kicked.
Worst-case scenario	Both grues realize they've been tricked, then they team up and eat you. You're dead, and you were betrayed by your own grue.
Worse-than-worse-case scenario	You discover that one of the grues is actually an anti-grue, and the two collide to form an uber-grue. You're dead, you singlehandedly created an uber-grue, and the simultaneous energy release a sploded the universe. Good job.
Absolute-worst-case scenario	The grues decide that you make a better sex toy than a meal. Imagine that for the rest of your life!

How to deal with a grue

The grue crossing signs proved an effective way to prepare drivers for an encounter.

The first appearance of grues

Die.
Scream and die.
Scream, struggle, and die.
Scream, struggle, shit yourself, and die.
Scream, run, struggle, shit yourself, and die.
Scream, run, struggle, shit yourself, look at a picture of Michael Jackson, and die.
Scream, run, struggle, shit yourself, listen to any emo song, look at a picture of Michael Jackson, and die.
Recite every line of Moby Dick in Italian. Grues love the Italian language, so it will subdue them for awhile. Of course when you are done reading, the grue will still eat you.
Sing one of Michael Bolton's classic songs. Grues hate Michael Bolton. Of course they will still eat you, but you can have the satisfaction of having irritated a grue.
Drink a glass of milk; 2.6% of grue are lactose intolerant, safe in the knowlege that the grue will get diarrhea when it finally gets round to eating you, which is very quickly.
Use extreme sarcasm.
Build a sandcastle. It won't help at all, and you will be eaten, but it is a fun activity.
Cast Frotz. This works only for wizards, enchanters, and other magically-enabled people.
DON'T WANDER AROUND IN THE DARK, YOU MORON! Alternatively, light your torch.
It is a little known fact that grues like hearing haikus. Therefore reciting a haiku to a grue will extend your life by seventeen syllables.
Wrap a towel around your head. Although the grue will still eat you, it will make the postprandial cleanup easier. Plus, if you have telepathy you will be able to see the grue while it eats you.
Yell for your mum over and over again until you die.
Strip naked and perform an ancient Mayan rain dance, and pray that the rain distracts the grue.
Call for a republican, and die.
Continually masturbate. That's right. Day in, day out. It'll work, so long as there are kittens in the world.
Summon Chuck Norris. This is not a very effective method though, because chuck norris is likely to wait until you are eaten so that he will get a show, and a kill.
Of course, you can kill a grue with faith in Jesus Christ. He has risen from the dead to make you free to do whatever you want, even hold a cross in front of a grue until it A Splodes.

Try throwing a small child to it.

One example of how to deal with grues is shown here.

Some people recommend turning on the lights, as according to the legend this will cause the grue to "melt away". Clearly this course of action is futile and should not be undertaken by any means. For a start, it is logically impossible for a creature to "melt away" on exposure to light, the Great Ice Creature of Neptune notwithstanding. Furthermore, as shown by Darwin, only mutated grues which can survive light will survive, and eventually only these mutant grues will be left, thus leaving the human populace with no weaponry to take them down. It is, however, possible to kill a grue with a Republican (see the section of using a grue to defend yourself from a grue), as they usually carry guns and love hunting. A TV set can cause a grue to melt away as they are allergic to non-natural sounds.

It is recommended that you always keep a Republican and a TV in your home to kill the grues on or near your home. However, this is not reliable, as most grues are also Republicans (due to their strong belief in eating those weaker than themselves), so it may turn out your republican is a grue and they may both turn around and eat you. Sacrifice yourself to a grue today so your children can melt them tomorrow!

Another alternative is to move to Russia. In Soviet Russia, YOU eat grue! It should be noted, however, that the Russian grue is a subspecies of the common grue.

Footnotes

↑ ^{yes they can!}_Bullshit!^{you are SO wrong}_Liar!^Poopy-head!_{You're the poopy-head, poopy-head!}^{O RLY?}_{YA RLY!}^{NO WAI!}_{YA WAI!}^SRSLY?_YA!