Creeper

The wee lad on the right is me. Over left, that's my brother Bob. He went off to Hollywood, starred in one of them new-fangled Michael Bay movies.

So, sonny, you want to know about creepers, eh? Pull up that chair there and take a seat.

The name's Jimmy, Jimmy Creeper.

Times have changed for us creepers. Back in my day, we was a simple folk. Creeping about, living off the land... like any good respectable monster should. None of that anymore.

Yup, times have changed. And not fer the better.

Um, yes. Mr Creeper, can you tell us some of the behavioral traits of your kind?

Creeper children nowadays, they just don't behave. It's no good.

No, I mean-

It's a disgrace, y'know. Nowadays whippersnappers get into all sorts of trouble. These fancy vidja games and new-fangled eye-phones and whatnot. All this flashy technology ruining everything.

Creepers nowadays, I say, they don't respect their culture.

Back in my day, we had good wholesome fun. One of the pass-times we had, we would wait for a PC to come along, y'see. Then, when we got close enough, we blew ourselves up. Low mortality rate, sure, but we got outside and weren't glued to some gad-darn gadget.

Good, wholesome fun I tell you.

Uh-huh. Can you tell us about appearance? ... Like, what creepers look like?

All of us creepers tend to look exactly the same. Which isn't dandy.

Not dandy at all, I tell you.

I remember the time I was coming back from Demo school (we were studying blast radii or sommat along those lines, it don't matter), and I'd had a long day. So decided to head off to my girlfriends place.

Slipped into the shower with her, I did.

It took a few minutes for me to realise it was actually her brother.

Yes, but can you give some actual-

Darn embarrassing, it was. Really messed society, it did. No one could tell which from who, and what from which. Confusing to say the least. You'd think that Notch would have given us some shred of individuality. Something to tell us apart. But no, he had to copy-paste us, the bastard.

It's not all that bad, though. As my good ma use to say, 'it's what's in counting that sides'.

No, wait; 'it's what's counts that's inside'.

Gad durn, that's not it.

"It's what's on the inside that counts"?

Good times, good times...

Wait, now I remember.

"It's what's on the inside that counts".

Yes, that's what she used to say.

Though actually, when I think on it, we all got the same stuff inside us too. Namely, some gunpowder and a few experience orbs.

So that doesn't really count for nothing, either.

Okay, okay. Another subject. Can you tell us about the relationship between humans and creepers, Mr Creeper?

Sure, sonny.

Back in the day, we was feared and shunned by humans, y'know. We was forced to hide in caves to survive, making our living off the land, y'know.

I remember this time, I was just a young 'un, and that troublemaker Johnny snuck up on a PC and blew himself up right behind him. I still laugh looking back. The PC lost all those diamonds.

Yup, funniest thing I ever saw.

Gad, we had a blast back then.

Nowadays, it's all 'creeper welfare' and 'declaration of creeper rights' and bullcrap. Them PCs, they can't attack us, but we can't blow up on them.

They're just trying to make us more like them, if you ask me. No respect for other cultures, if you ask me. Filthy hypocrites, the bunch.

It's like they think the world was created just for them or sommat. Like everything revolves 'round them, the self-centered pigs.

If I had a chance to wring a PCs neck and kill him dead, gad I'd do it.

If I had hands, of course.

Or arms for that matter.

Um, can we please-

But gad, if I did, I'd wring that bastards neck so hard his eyes popped out, I would. I squeeze so hard he'd-

*Gasp*

Ooh... my heart. My poor heart.

Are you all right?

I... not really sonny...

...oh gad, I think I'm gonna blow!

Wait, what?!

I... can't... hold on...

HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS...

No, Mr Creeper! Nooo-