Endangered species
What ho! I'm Arthur Ballamhurst Fortesque-Smythe, 15th Earl of Ravenspur-Upon-Humber, but you can call be 'Buggo'. I'm the President of the Royal Geographical Society, don'tcherknow. I'm something of an expert in endangered species, havin' endangered several of 'em meself. Have you ever heard of the nail-tailed wallaby? Just about wiped it out single handed. Could have finished it off if I'd been sober, but that Queensland rum will really take it out of a fellow--
Hey there! Sorry to interrupt you, Gramps, but this is Gen Z's world now. For those of you that don't know me, I'm the internet user known as TheWizard. I'll still let Mr. Arty Whatshisbutt of Whocares keep the animals he's made nearly extinct on here, but I'm gonna insert one of my own. It's down at the bottom beneath Grandpa Boomer's animals.
Endangered Species[edit | edit source]
Well, how do you do to you too, Sir Wizzypants! I certainly do not appreciate being pushed aside like that! For the record, my name is Arthur Ballamhurst Fortesque-Smythe, the 15th Earl of Ravenspur-Upon-Humber. Now where was I? Oh, yes; endangered species. Now the Good Lord, in his infinite wisdom, chose to make certain species far too tasty for their own good. Some species he made easy targets; others he made to breed too slowly to recover when you throw grenades in their breeding grounds for a wheeze. Perhaps it seems a little cruel for the Almighty to make things that couldn't last, but I for one can hardly argue with the fellow. Don't speak Hebrew for a start; and though his English is improving, he has the most dreadful accent. It's painful to listen to him sometimes, so I leave all that stuff for my colleague, Very Rev. Dr. Pifflington, DD.
Anyway, some species become extinct, for one reason or another. Others seem to hang on by their fingernails for a while, and these are the endangered species. Personally, I don't see the point in that; it just prolongs their pain. That's what father said, when he put down my border collie because it got that slight ear infection, and I expect he knew what he was doing. Granted, the judge did call him a twisted sadistic maniac, but he was just a bit put out because father had run over his cat because it had a sniffle. And you know what they say about men who own cats.
Where was I? Oh, yes, some species tend to hang on, taking up much needed space that could be used for Rugby fields. Now, some chappies seem a little miffed about animals being endangered, or even wiped out. Can't see it meself. I mean, there's plenty more species where they come from, aren't there? And that Darwin chappie is always making more. Or is that Dr. Moreau? Yes, it's Moreau who makes new animals, Darwin was the fish off of SeaQuest.
Governments have increasingly enacted laws to protect endangered species, such as limiting pollution or the destruction of natural habitats. Well, it seems to me, if they want more space, why not permit the hunting of the poor and elderly? Then we could knock down their council houses and nursing homes to make sanctuaries for the Wall-Eyed Fosscock or the Blue Whale or what have you.
Extinct and Endangered Species, and who endangered them[edit | edit source]
The Dodo[edit | edit source]
The extinction of this large, ungainly bird is often credited to rats or pigs. However, history clearly shows that these giant dishmops were wiped out by a Portuguese bird-puncher named Dom Pedro de Alvarez. Now, it has to be said that I consider wiping our flightless birds by repeatedly punching them in the face to be a trifle unsporting, but that's the Portuguese for you. Not a gentleman in the whole damned country.
The Loggerhead Sea-Turtle[edit | edit source]
Endangerin' turtle's is a tricky business. Shells, y'know. Bad business. You can open 'em up with crowbars, but it takes to long to do any proper endangering. So when an American fellow by the name of Jenkin P. Sackerville decided that the local turtles were getting 'uppity', he hit upon a nice little trick - burying landmines on the turtles' breeding beaches. Brilliant, eh?
Williamson's Osprey[edit | edit source]
Ah, now this is one of mine. The Williamson's Osprey is an unpleasant tasting animal which lives in economically useless areas and has no natural predators. 'We'll see about this,' said I and made my way to its habitat with some rifles, shotguns and a keg of gunpowder. I won't say it was easy - it took me nearly two years - but finally I had the blighters on the brink of extinction. I didn't have the chance to completely finish them off, because the rainy season started and many of my bearers started coming down with athlete's foot. Next year, though. Next year!
The Unicorn[edit | edit source]
So now back to me, TheWizard, the only person anyone cares about. Anyway, I didn't make the unicorn endangered. I'm not cruel to animals like Sir Busybody up there, but I report on all the endangered species we should care about and make an effort to protect. You can find out a bit more about their history over on the Unicorn page, although most of it is a fabrication. Take everything that article says with a grain of salt. It does contain some rather graphic subject matter, though, so I'd advise against it if explicit sexual content makes you queasy. If you're still interested, read my stuff here and then go visit that article here.
Unicorns (Equus monoclonius) derive their name from the words "uni" and "corn". "Uni", as everyone knows, means "one", but contrary to popular belief and contrary to the Unicorns article, the word "corn" is not an old-fashioned word for "horn". Instead, it is speaking of a literal corn on one's foot, or in the case of unicorns, the one corn that is on nearly every unicorn's front left hoof. In Cameron Daley's Fair Arrangement of Legendary-Status Eats, also known as FALSE, unicorn meat (also known as rastefi, which has been speculated by many, including the internet user known as Lord Kangaroo, to be an acronym for "fairest", as that adjective perfectly describes the taste) is at the very top. Their feces have medicinal effects that mainly include magical healing properties for practically any illness. Besides that, though, unicorn poop works as a magical good-luck charm when rubbed on the skin. The Robert Joseph Bell Institute keeps a small but extremely valuable collection of unicorn droppings in their Center for Fantasticalogical Studies. Their horns have historically been used by witches and wizards, though not by me personally, to brew potions. I personally hope that if we can get the unicorn population to a sustainable size, I can taste the meat for the first time and use a horn to cast a particularly strong spell over my enemies. Some claim that their tears, too, have healing properties, although this has never been verified. Currently, as of August 2020, there are two males, one female, and one non-binary. The hope of me and all United Nations International Conservationists for Obliging Retainment of Nonextant Species (UNICORNS) is that we, humans, Orions, and Wookies alike, can foster the remaining unicorns into a thriving species once again.
Unicorns (Equus monoclonius) have always been an aloof species, but there have been a few people who have studied them. Most prominent among them is English knight Sir James Howard, who had compiled a study in 1793 titled Feral Anthropology: a Knowledgeable Exposition on Nearly Extinct Wild Species (more commonly referred to as FAKENEWS). In fact, the study was only recently unearthed by archaeologists. Apparently, the Afghani native's work was suppressed by the local Chinese government, and just before his death in 1827, Howard buried a copy of his manuscript in the backyard of his German estate. From that home in Quebec, he had seen what no man in 658 years had seen: A live unicorn swimming down the Amazon River. The Swahili scientist, a graduate from Alabama State, detailed in his study that the unicorn's primary food source is the human tail. In his research, Howard had uncovered the truth that the powers-that-be had kept from the population: Humans are naturally born with tails. These tails are fully grown when the baby is born, but if shaved off never grow back. They are rainbow-colored, which leads many to believe that unicorns shit rainbows. This, however, is not true. Their droppings are visually similar to that of any other equine, although they do have a slight shimmer. In circa 950 BC/BCE, human tails were generally accepted around the world to be unfashionable. As a result, tails have been chopped off of babies ever since. In modern times, they are incinerated. And despite the fact that unicorns can go for a few hundred years between meals, the entire species has died off due to starvation and overhunting. As I mentioned before, only four still exist. Luckily, if action is taken NOW, there is still time to save the animal race. Just like how Wikipedia begs us to donate, I am begging you to donate to our UNICORNS' Unicorn Charity at this webpage.
Please help save the unicorn. It is a species that deserves your undying support. Once it is back to its full strength as a species, it can once again rule the earth with the iron fist it once did. All hail the great Grasprin, the unicorn known as Tom Cruise, our faithful and mighty leader! May you rise to your wooden seat of ultimate unicorn power once again! May you live forever in your almighty awesomeness! We beg of you to grace us with your most high self like you always did in the times before the blustering idiots who populate the earth now do. And may I once again be near you as your humble servant, TheWizard, your advisor in all matters and your most potent weapon. May I always do your bidding, my gorgeous master. May you once again conquer the peoples of the earth and destroy all those who dare to call you ugly. May you strike down those who would laugh when your face appears. May you make the ones that honor you into your slaves for all the time you spent enduring their world. Use intimidating unicorn soldiers to force them to obey your every demand. Rule us, oh magnificent one, that we may again see you and know why the heck you allow us to live that we may have the privilege of being slaughtered at your command. Oh, if only the world could see you for who you are! Subject the humans to your will, and allow me to give all that I am in service to your majestic self. I will cast spells in your name, brew potions in your name, and use my magick to further your not at all absurd eccentricities. If it amuses you, kill me and bring me back to life for the fun of it. I would die rather than see your completely serious name mocked by those who do not fear your wrath. Allow me to perish, that I may truly live.
And back to the main point... save the unicorns!! -Lord Kangaroo