UnNews:Elon Musk's brain chip is implanted into the first guinea human
Wednesday, January 31, 2024
Elon Musk's Neuralink BeastMark 1 brain chip has now been experimentally implanted into the first human guinea pig. The chip is similar to a dog chip and is applied to the brain using a thick dog chip ramming needle. Like in a transorbital lobotomy, an ice pick is rammed through the eye socket and then stirred around in the brain, just to give the chip a nice little stir to settle properly. Once implanted, the brain chip is virtually impossible to remove; to remove it, the cranium would need to be cracked open like an egg and the entire brain would have to be chopped meticulously into pieces, which would result in brain damage.
The chip is equipped with a special SIM card and is connected to the Internet. According to Musk's master plan, all eight billion people alive, plus the unborn, are assigned their own IPv6 address range, soon to be superceded by IPv6.66 in the coming decade. Using a complicated API, all address areas of the brain can be individually controlled, monitored and manipulated. The work productivity of a company's workforce or the population as a whole can be monitored and controlled very well. The willingness to consume is increased by inserting advertising breaks.
Unruly individuals can be easily kept in check by delivering electric shocks to the heart of the brain. The tendency towards rebellious behavior can be proactively detected by examining the brain waves using artificial intelligence. If necessary, a dangerous person's brain can be remotely wiped, i.e. reset to factory settings. This way, the person’s soul is destroyed, or sent to Kingdom Come, or Hell, depending on what you believe; however, their body remains fit and healthy, which is why this method is preferable to the death penalty. After the brain is erased, a standardized program is uploaded into the brain. This way, the human body receives a new, standardized soul, devoid of any personality whatsoever and programmed to keep purchasing Neuralink and Google products.
Another application is mind uploading. Mind uploading involves digitizing the mind of an important and valuable person (e.g. King Chuck, Merkel, or Putin) and then uploading it to a computer system on which a brain emulator is installed. After the person dies, their consciousness remains intact and lives on forever as an electronic brain. But then he or she no longer has a body to play with oneself and is therefore usually very dissatisfied. Prior to Neuralink's innovation, the method of mind uploading had already been tested on Walt Disney and Ted Williams after the deaths of their human bodies, but due to merely existing as holograhic programs with no ability to possess bodies, both Disney and Williams went rogue and self-destructed. However, with the Neuralink brain prosthesis, a person's mind can not only be downloaded from one brain, but also finally uploaded to another brain. For example, if Elon Musk's body one day begins to rot due to age or illness, his spirit can be transferred to a perfectly toned young donor. Just as mentioned above, the
poor plebian victim's valiant donor's brain is quickly wiped, only this time flooded with the multi-billionaire’s spirit and perverse world of thoughts. A donor can be easily found by routine screening the world population for suitable material.
All of that, plus the benefit of being able to Google search simply via thought and control all Bluetooth devices within a 50-foot radius at will. When asked about the grim consequences of the procedure, the subject simply retorted "Hey, it's all worth these cool techno powers! I've already sold my soul to the devil for a piece of candy, I don't mind selling my body to Elon Musk so I can prank my friends on their stupid phones! Huh huh huh." Musk hopes all of humanity can follow in this young man's example.
Notes[edit | edit source]
- with the intent of ALL the subject's thoughts leading to a search, plus targeted advertisements search recommendations coming along with each search
Sources[edit | edit source]
- "Elon Musk's Neuralink implants brain chip in first human" Reuters, January 30, 2024