Uranus

Satellite pornography from NASA displaying the crack in Uranus

Uranus is full of gas. Astronomers hypothesize that it is a smelly, smelly gas. In fact, Uranus is an entire planet of gas. Despite the Japanese convention of denoting smelly gas with the color green, Uranus has a blissful bluish color that conceals just how stinky it is.

There are rings around Uranus, but compared to Saturn, they are nowhere near as spectacular. When Saturn catches sight of Uranus in the locker room bathroom, it snickers. It turns to Jupiter and says, "That smelly ball of gas has really unspectacular rings." (Saturn has no dick. It is one.)

Discovery

Uranus was discovered by William Herschel on March 13, 1781. On that particular night, Herschel had a profound belief he was in for some extraordinary observations. Unfortunately, his gorgeous neighbor pulled her shades down and so he reluctantly turned the telescope skyward only to discover the planet Uranus. Although this achievement brought him scientific distinction and acclaim, Herschel always wondered what might have been seen on that fateful night if his neighbor decided on being a little less modest.

At first, Herschell wanted to name his discovery "The Georgian Planet" in honor of King George III, his patron. Sadly, despite Herschell's aggressive brown-nosing, the planetary name never caught on, though it did lead to his fellow scientists referring to him as "Sir Suckup".

When a committee demanded he rename the planet, he panicked, realizing he had come unprepared with a backup name. His eyes scanned the room as he tried to Keyser Soze his way out of the situation. "Ur ..." he said, and finally concluded "... anus."

It was a weird committee.

Physical features

The distance from the Sun to Uranus is 2.871 x 10⁹ km. The average distance from the Earth to Uranus is about three feet.

Compared to the Earth, the diameter of Uranus is about four times wider, its mass is 14.5 larger, and its distance from the Sun is about 19 times greater. It is worth noting that despite Jupiter being clearly larger in diameter and mass, nine out of ten students at local universities always name Uranus as being the biggest. The answer as to why this size-discrepancy phenomenon occurs is still unknown.

Perhaps the most striking feature of Uranus, apart from its name, is the fact that it has an axial tilt of 98° compared to Earth's 23.5° tilt. That's a *massive* axial tilt. That's the Bruce Jenner's former penis of axial tilts.

According to the most recent data, Uranus has 27 moons. When Herschel first saw Uranus, he said: "That is a moon." When he looked again, he said: "That is also a moon." These two moons were named Titania and Oberon, who are not named after Greek or Roman mythological figures. Rather, Sir Suckup named them after the works of British authors William Shakespeare and Alexander Pope.

Because Uranus is nineteen times further farther more distanter from the Sun than the Earth, it receives a mere .00277 the amount of sunlight. While Uranus has long been thought of as the place where "the Sun don't shine", it actually does shine there – just not much.

Objects entering Uranus

There is a great amount of stuff lost up Uranus. Recently, NASA used a special robot to probe Uranus and found out that a lot of the lost stuff on Earth is somehow teleported deep inside Uranus.

"While implementing my latest space research experiment, my microscope just disappeared. When we found it, it was somehow inside Uranus," said Dr. No, a NASA scientist. "We're making very deep studies inside Uranus; and up to now, we found out it is filled with a dark substance with a really bad smell. We guess the pressure inside Uranus made it all join together to create this useless matter."

By Christmas 2007 NASA had sent seven not-so-sweet specialized robots going in and out of Uranus. It will be codenamed "Operation PUPE" (Probing Uranus Phor Enformation). According to NASA spokesperson Carson Daly, "We will be shoving tons of space shuttles up this canal. We hope to find interesting life forms in this undiscovered planet. We hope there are more planets that we can enter and reveal about. Also, butt."

Objects leaving Uranus

Uranus with rings. Allah holds this planet in his hands.

Many objects have been recorded leaving Uranus. These can be split into two main categories, Brown and Man-made. Following a good curry, brown objects can be propelled out at several miles an hour, provided they stay together and don't disintegrate into a "runny" phase. Objects that leave Uranus never come back.

Man-made objects may include marbles, crayons, gerbils, and melons (should you rather poo one than urinate a marble). Once, in 1977, several Klingons were seen around Uranus but they left after the use of paper products.

Poisonous gases (methane), found in Uranus's thick, smelly atmosphere, also tend to leave Uranus at a high frequency, especially after meals of bacon.

Brown hole?

Recently evidence has emerged that Uranus may not actually be a planet, but a brown hole. Unlike black holes, out of which nothing can escape, everything is eventually spewed out of a brown hole as brown matter.

Most scientists agree that the eventual fate of the universe is to become filled with brown matter, resulting in a bigger bang. This bigger bang would result in the creation of an infinite number of new universes all destined to the same fate.

Trivia

• It is believed that the toxic gases inside Uranus surround a rocky core.
• Uranus is so big and massive it makes the Earth look small.
• Uranus is a gas giant containing methane.
• Uranus is capable of producing hurricane speed winds.
• Uranus has an absolute magnitude of 28.33.
• It is believed by many that any man who ever entered into Uranus would never survive.
• Voyager 2 made a flyby of Uranus back in 1986 and took lots of nice pictures, giving scientists the first close up view of Uranus.
• Pictures of Uranus have been published in books and publications worldwide.
• Uranus is large enough to be seen from Earth-based telescopes.
• Scientists can accurately predict when Uranus will be eclipsed by one of its moons.
• Uranus jokes are the only popular types of jokes at the NASA headquarters.

In popular culture

The film Journey to the Seventh Planet takes place on Uranus. Featuring the acting talents of John Agar, Carl Ottosen, Peter Monch and many others you know this is a quality (a.k.a. shit) movie.

The game DDR features Uranus, which really only makes the game that much more disgusting.

Uranus's moon Doub-O (Okmatt Okturney) is visible in several clips of the award-winning film Never Sleep in Mine Fields on Uranus.

Popular singer Fred Astaire once released a song titled "Fly Me to Uranus", but he was forced to pull it when audiences chuckled dryly and several well-dressed society matrons fainted into the arms of their muscular chauffeurs.

Colonization

Man will one day design a giant space capsule that will sustain humans throughout the flight to Uranus. Once there, colonists will work side by side with the locals and create huge forests where pumpkins the size of planets will be grown. The USS Fingers will be the first ship to go to Uranus. It is named for Captain Fingers, who discovered gaseous vents on the Island of Buttcrack.

Moons

Uranus's moons are not important, except Puck. Puck is cool. Oh and Lil' Stinker.

See also

• Wild ass
• Booty
• Black hole