Uranus

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FACTS DETECTED

It's funny 'cuz it's true.

“Uranus sounds like your anus.”

~ Captain Obvious on Uranus

“When Uranus is outlawed only outlaws will have Uranus.”

~ Oscar Wilde
Satellite photographic pornography from NASA demonstrating both the crack in, and the ring of toilet seat pressure and crap around, Uranus.

Uranus is full of smelly gas. In fact, it is a planet of gas, big and hairy and has a blissful bluish color to it which can be easily seen in the photograph. It is known to be the favourite destination of homosexual astronauts who practice an alternative lifestyle uranism.

Uranus does possess a ring system but compared to Saturn, it is nowhere near as spectacular. This is generally considered by the scientific community to be "Rather a shame".

Discovery[edit]

Uranus was discovered March 13, 1781 by the British astronomer Sir William "Deadeye" Herschel (1738 - 1822). On that particular night, Herschel had a profound belief he was in for some extraordinary observations. Unfortunately, his gorgeous neighbor pulled her shades down and so he reluctantly turned the telescope skyward only to discover the planet Uranus. Although this achievement brought him scientific distinction and acclaim, Herschel always wondered what might have been seen on that fateful night if his neighbor decided on being a little less modest.

At first, Herschell wanted to name his discovery the "Georgian Planet" in honor of King George III, his patron. (Yes, even back in those days, sucking up to the boss was as common as it is today.) Despite Herschell's constant "brown-nosing" efforts, this planetary name never "caught on" but it did lead to his fellow scientists referring to him as "Sir Suck Up".

Physical Features of Uranus[edit]

Uranus is a magic mirror brimming with secrets. It talks, even sings, but also listens. It smokes, and rumbles like a dyspeptic volcano. To Uranus all dead souls must come when they hunger for incarnation. It is here that they beg for the chance to be born anew.

The distance from the Sun to Uranus is 2.871 x 109 km. The average distance from the Earth to Uranus is around 3 feet. Compared to the Earth, the diameter of Uranus is about 4 times wider, its mass is 14.5 larger and its distance from the Sun is about 19 times further farther greater. It is worth noting (or worth nothing?) that despite Jupiter being clearly larger in diameter and mass, 9 out of 10 students at local universities always name Uranus as being the biggest... the answer as to why this size-discrepancy phenomenon occurs is still unknown.
Perhaps the most striking feature of Uranus (apart from its goofy name) is the fact that it has an axial tilt of 98° compared to Earth's 23.5° tilt. To find the reason for this abnormality we went to the Gary Busey Institute of Advanced Astrophysics (and Tattoo Emporium), and spoke with Dr. Helen Hunt. She replied "you mean somebody actually wants to know that?" and then abruptly walked away. So, basically, if you want to know the reason for that axial tilt, you'll have to go to Helen Hunt for it. (say it aloud).
According to the most recent data, Uranus has 27 moons the first 2 of which (Titania and Oberon) were discovered by "Deadeye" Herschel. These moons along with Miranda, Ariel and Umbriel break with tradition and are not named after Greek or Roman mythological characters. Instead, these names are those from the works of British authors William Shakespeare and Alexander Pope. Hmmmm, since Herschel was a British citizen, could he have had some influence in once again trying to promote all things British? (Can you say Sir Suck Up)?

Because Uranus is 19 times further farther more distanter from the Sun than the Earth, it receives a mere .00277 the amount of sunlight. While Uranus has long been thought of as the place where "the Sun don't shine", it actually does shine there - but not a heck of a lot.

Objects Entering Uranus[edit]

There is a great amount of stuff lost up Uranus. Recently, NASA used a special robot to probe Uranus and found out that a lot of the lost stuff on Earth is somehow teleported deep inside Uranus.

"While implementing my latest space research experiment, my microscope just disappeared. When we found it, it was somehow inside Uranus", said Dr. No, a NASA scientist. "We're making very deep studies inside Uranus", he also said, "and up to now, we found out it is filled with a dark substance with a really bad smell. We guess the pressure inside Uranus made it all join together to create this useless matter.".

By Christmas, 2007, NASA has sent 7 not-so-sweet specialized robots going in and out of Uranus. It will be codenamed "Operation PUPE" (Probing Uranus Phor Enformation). According to NASA spokesperson, Carson Daly, "We will be shoving tons of dildos space shuttles up this canal. We hope to find prostate interesting life forms in this undiscovered planet. We hope there are more holes planets that we can penetrate reveal about. Also, butt."

Objects Leaving Uranus[edit]

Uranus with rings. Allah holds this planet in his hands.

Many objects have been recorded leaving Uranus. These can be split into two main categories, Brown and Man-made. Following a good curry, brown objects can be propelled out at several miles an hour, providing they stay together and don't disintegrate into a 'runny' phase. Objects that leave uranus never come back.

Man-made objects may include marbles, crayons, gerbils, melons (should you rather poo one than urinate a marble). Once, in 1977, several Klingons were seen around Uranus but they left after the use of paper products.

Poisonous gases (methane), found in Uranus' thick, smelly atmosphere, also tend to leave Uranus at a high frequency, especially after meals of bacon.

True Nature of Uranus[edit]

Recently it has been discovered that Uranus is not a planet, but actually a black hole. But unlike most black holes, in which nothing can escape, everything eventually comes out of Uranus as dark matter. The eventual fate of the universe is to be filled with dark matter that came from Uranus. It may seem to be pollution; however, it is quite healthy.

Other Interesting Facts about Uranus[edit]

  • It is believed that the toxic gases inside Uranus surround a rocky core.
  • Uranus is so big and massive it makes the Earth look small.
  • Uranus is a gas giant containing methane.
  • Uranus is capable of producing hurricane speed winds.
  • Uranus has an absolute magnitude of 28.33.
  • It is believed by many that any man who ever entered into Uranus would never survive.
  • Voyager 2 made a flyby of Uranus back in 1986 and took lots of nice pictures, giving scientists the first close up view of Uranus.
  • Pictures of Uranus have been published in books and publications worldwide.
  • Uranus is large enough to be seen from Earth-based telescopes.
  • Scientists can accurately predict when Uranus will be eclipsed by one of its moons.
  • Uranus jokes are the only popular types of jokes at the NASA headquarters

Uranus In Popular Culture[edit]

The film Journey To The Seventh Planet takes place on Uranus. Featuring the acting talents of John Agar, Carl Ottosen, Peter Monch and many others you know this is a quality (a.k.a. shit) movie.

The game DDR features Uranus, which really only makes the game that much more disgusting.

Uranus' moon Doub-O (Okmatt Okturney) is visible in several clips of the award winning film "Never Sleep In Mine Fields On Uranus".

Popular singer Fred Astaire once released a song titled 'Fly Me To Uranus' but was forced to pull it when audiences chuckled dryly and several well-dressed society matrons fainted into the arms of their muscular chauffeurs.

Future colonization of Uranus[edit]

In the future man will one day design a giant space capsule that will sustain humans all throughout the flight to Uranus. Once on Uranus, humans will work side by side with the locals and create huge forests where pumpkins the size of planets will be grown. The USS Fingers will be the first ship to go to Uranus. It is named for Captain Fingers, who discovered gaseous vents on the Island of Buttcrack.

Uranus' moons[edit]

Uranus' moons are not important, except Puck. Puck is cool. Oh and Lil' Stinker.

Planets
Confirmed (Solar System): Sun | Mercury | Venus | Earth (The Moon) | Mars | Jupiter | Saturn | Uranus | Neptune
Confirmed (Extrasolar): Darwin IV | Discworld | Krypton | Milky Way | Planet of the Apes | Planet Google | Planet Hollywood | Pizza Planet | Skaylia | Destopius | Techneta | Roseanne
Dwarf planets: Pluto | 2003 UB313 | Jay Leno's Chin | Xanax
Unconfirmed: Garnox | Mantoobia | Unicron
Denied by CIA and IAU: Neopia | YourAnus
In a galaxy far, far away: Alderaan | Coruscant | Tatooine | Kamino | Endor | Naboo | Bespin | Death Star
Members of the Federation: Vulcan | Qo'noS
Invisible Planets: