Star Trek

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A long long time ago, when men were men and women were women and Klingons were – well, to be perfectly honest, just basically men as well — Star Trek burst onto the screens of a grateful American nation.
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Star Trek (Klingon: Hov trek) is a science fiction franchise loved by geeks, nerds, dorks, and even some ordinary people, because of its vision of a future where everything doesn't suck. People watch it to feel better about their pathetic existence on Earth and hope there's something better for them elsewhere. Unfortunately, as the shows will demonstrate, the universe is a cold, inhospitable place and nobody wants humans and their filthy scum to contaminate their worlds.

History[edit]

Back in the '60s, all the hippies were busy having tons of fun. And Gene Roddenberry hated all of it because he wasn't getting laid or having any fun. So he got with some of some of his Hollywood connections and made up some kind of postapocalyptic perfect future where humans travel to the stars and never get into fights with anybody. But the network hated that idea because the Cold War was going on and America had to be the best, and bomb the hell out of everybody.

Early days[edit]

He somehow managed to convince enough people and got a terrible show that neither he nor anybody else wanted, and everything generally sucked. It got canceled after three seasons. Then they had an animated series which was like the fourth season, but nobody knows that cartoon even exists.

$$$[edit]

After about 10 years, the show got picked up on several networks in syndication, and it became wildly popular. So naturally, CBS decided to milk the hell out of the franchise by making a bunch of movies. Despite the box-office success and the creation of the fandom, they were all in trouble. The movies inflated William Shatner's ego so much that they couldn't afford to pay him anyore. But they needed some kind of excuse to pay people less but still make tons of money. Along came The Next Generation, which was a soap opera where they kidnapped the hell out of unknown actors from who knows where (maybe someplace like Mediocre Britain). It lasted seven whole season and Roddenberry and the others were set for life.

Decline[edit]

Because they were making so much money, they couldn't stop. So they created Deep Space Nine and Voyager. The former, the best Star Trek show, and the latter probably the worst. But it was all probably just a stunt to get blacks and women to stop complaining about not having enough leadership roles. At the same time, TNG movies were going on and it was obvious that Gene Roddenberry who was like George Lucas back in the day, was turning into the George Lucas of today. He kicked the bucket along with Dr. McCoy, not that it matters.

After three successful shows one after another, the producers started to see how much they could milk the show. So they created Enterprise. Awesome beginning and ending theme, yes, but we were left to watch a bunch of people about 150 years from today struggling with idiotic shenanigans that would make Shatner envious. They destroyed a lot of previous canon and added all kinds of unworkable plot holes from which there is no escape.

Revival[edit]

It was obvious that everything was falling apart, so instead of quitting while they still had some dignity left, they got J. J. Abrams to do a reboot of the entire series. How? By making a movie trilogy that takes away everything you've ever known and loved and turns it into a chick flick with plenty of eye candy and nonsensical sexuality. And don't forget Budweiser commercials!

And that's where we are today, everything ruined. And sheeple don't care because who cares? It's STAR TREK!

Series[edit]

Star Trek actually started out pretty awesome. Well, not really, but it was awesome compared to what else was on TV at the time. But it eventually went all Jar Jar Binks on itself... kind of like another famous science fiction franchise.

Enterprise[edit]

The prequel and the newest TV series, Enterprise takes place a hundred years after First Contact with the Vulcans and a hundred years before Captain Kirk. It has an awesome beginning and ending theme. And nicer graphics. But for the most part, it's just really boring unless you want to waste your time looking at asexual Vulcan boobs in the decontamination room. And it just gets worse from there.

The Original Series[edit]

The Original Series had terrible acting, terrible fight scenes, terrible writing, terrible directing, and terrible everything else. Just plain terrible. But hey, it had a Japanese gay guy, a Russian crybaby, and a really hot black woman in a major starring role. So it's awesome. End of story.

The Animated Series[edit]

TOS got canceled due to bad ratings, and the viewers were disinterested. But apparently, the people making the show wanted to make more terrible episodes. So they made The Animated Series. Sadly, they got three seasons.

The Next Generation[edit]

The Next Generation was a very sexy show. Riker's beard. Picard's prehistoric charm. Everything about Troi. Crusher the MILF. The other Crusher if you're just asking to be a registered sex offender. Poor Geordi's holodeck fantasies. Data's struggle with his robosexuality, his lover Tasha suffering a meaningless death.

Deep Space Nine[edit]

Deep Space 9 was a really boring show where they never leave the space station, and instead sit around bickering about crap nobody cares about. It's a ship full of minority aliens, and that tells you a lot about how little humanity will change in the next 300 years. I mean, the planet's obviously not good enough for low class minorities, especially blacks. That's why you teleport them to a space station and never hear from them again.

Voyager[edit]

Star Trek was to forever commit blasphemy with a new show, by having a female captain, a white female Klingon, and a black Vulcan. They called it Voyager. Is it a coincidence that the first starship commanded by a woman got lost? Who cares? The only thing watchable on this show is Seven of Nine, who was specifically created to boost ratings of a dying franchise. It didn't work because she's so young that liking her makes you a pedo, and people can't get naked on network TV shows anyway.

Movies[edit]

The Star Trek series has been generous in how many movies they've given us with the same characters. Unfortunately, these movies start out barely watchable and just get worse and worse.

Original Series[edit]

A bunch of drunk geezers in uniform doing action movies? Count me in!
  • Star Trek: The Motion Picture - Captain Kirk gets promoted to a much nicer job, but decides he's too cool to be admiral. So he handpicks the captain of the next Enterprise, and subsequently throws him out in the most insulting way possible at the young captain's first opportunity to prove himself. A bald alien girl (who is probably also bald you know where) falls in love with the dethroned captain whose name I forgot after watching the movie last week. A giant robot alien ball with a solar system sized plasma wave comes to destroy the Earth. It instead kills the bald alien, who then tries to complete the mission of V-GER. The ousted new captain, realizes he can't ever do anything of value as long as Kirk is alive, completes V-GER by merging his PE-IS with it. Then he creates life in a new universe or something, and Kirk gets to go on more missions again!
  • Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan - A psychopath who has always wanted a warp-capable ship and a terraforming device finally gets them. But he gives up his life to attempt to defeat Captain Kirk. Obviously, he would never win because bad guys always die in these kinds of movies. But that didn't stop him. Oh well. And an indestructible main character dies and comes back. But you're not supposed to know that until the next movie.
  • Star Trek III: The Search for Spock - Spock gets replaced in Kirk's crew by Mr. Vulcan Woman with a K in "his" name. All Vulcans are male anyway so this makes sense. Spock's ghost self-rapes Dr. McCoy, prompting Spock's father Sarek to rape Kirk to save his son's honor. Then they go into the Garden of Eden to discover a soulless Spock's body regenerating to adulthood. Klingons come to take the planet but the Enterprise blows up with it, prompting Kirk to steal the Klingon ship. They take Spock's pubescent body and have that Vulcan lady I told you about earlier do a "healing ritual" on his body. Everything is back to normal. The end.
  • Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home - They go back in time to 1986 where they witness humpback whales having sex, and Kirk has sex with an 80's chick and brings her back to the present. Kirk gets punished by being allowed to be captain of the Enterprise, making it not really a punishment.
  • Star Trek V: Final Frontier - They meet God who apparently lives in the center of the galaxy and needs a spaceship to travel.
  • Star Trek VI: Undiscovered Country - A bunch of fast deaths, action sequences, and Klingons. I barely remember anything except for the end where Kirk goes on his final voyage and Sulu gets his own ship.

The Next Generation[edit]

The TNG movies were known for their fancy graphics, but childish characters and storytelling.
  • Star Trek VII: Generations - Kirk is now a fat lazy old man who shouldn't be doing this anymore. So he goes on a starship with only Chekov and Scotty, because the other actors knew how terrible this movie was. Hikaru Sulu apparently got laid despite being a tiny gay Asian nerd. Then some space ribbon almost destroys the Enterprise, but ends up killing Kirk instead. Whoopi Goldberg gets rescued.

Fast forward 70 years or so and Whoopi, like her real world counterpart, never ages. Picard's ship gets destroyed by a defenseless Klingon Bird of Prey and Picard goes into a space ribbon where he meets Kirk in some mountain lodge. Then some brokeback horseriding later, Kirk comes back and subsequently dies by punching some guy in the face. Picard makes something explode. Everything is back to normal. Nobody knows (or cares) what happened to Kirk.

  • Star Trek VIII: First Contact - Nothing in this movie makes sense. The Borg develop time travel but wait until they're completely destroyed by Earth ships before going back in time to First Contact to assimiliate the planet, but somehow an unassimilated Enterprise goes back to stop them. Then Picard has sex with a Black girl and some mean drunk who apparently has no knowledge of anything constructs and pilots a warp 1 spaceship. The Vulcans notice and come down to visit, but with their superior technology loaded with sensors they can't possibly detect Enterprise? Picard tries to blow up the Enterprise while Data is busy having sex with the Borg Queen (who was killed by Janeway, not to mention the Borg are no longer in a Collective), but everything gets resolved in 2 seconds with the ship Borg-free and everyone in the crew back onboard on their way forward in time.
  • Star Trek IX: Insurrection - In a planet where people stay young forever and multiply profusely among their own, Data, an obvious robot, goes to study a planet where technology is completely unheard of, and manages to screw it up besides being more human than ever before. Then Picard finds a really hot 600 year old girl who has apparently never gotten laid, and Data asks Geordi about his boobs. Worf goes through puberty. Evil Botox aliens come to destroy the planet, but it turns out they are descendants of the same people they are trying to destroy so they would never stop aging, when in reality all they have to do is stop getting Botox and live on the damn planet! Riker doesn't have a beard because... I don't know, it looks weird. Still, nobody cares because he's so damn sexy anyway. And yes, this movie is as bad as it sounds, but at least the visual scenery is good.
  • Star Trek X: Nemesis - Don't even bother watching. I though The Phantom Menace was a bad movie, but this is the worst movie I've ever seen. This one abomination of a movie made Enterprise get canceled and ruined all of Star Trek.

Revival[edit]

Zapp Brannigan is a really shitty caricature of Shatner. Pine is a really good caricature of Brannigan.

Following the disappointment that was the last Star Trek movie, J. J. Abrams found a way to make everything profitable again, and it required milking the franchise and ruining everything that made Star Trek great. That doesn't matter because people who watch Hollywood movies have short attention spans and need constant visual stimulus so they don't have to think. Thankfully, the people forgot what Star Trek is all about and instead got what they wanted.

  • Star Trek XI - The Romulan homeworld gets destroyed and Spock refuses to help stop the course of events, so time travel gobbledygook happens and both dudes go back in time. Nero blows up Vulcan in revenge, but he doesn't realize that Spock ends up saving Romulus anyway. So basically, the good guys get blown up and the bad guys keep their planet alive. But who cares? Star Trek is awesome again! Apple Store Bridge! Budweiser Engine Room! Brokeback KirkSpock! Uhura sex! SYLAR!
  • Star Trek XII: Into Darkness - Tribbles and wigger (windian?) Khan in a completely unoriginal story where the wrong character dies in a terribly contrived emotion sequence. Can't J.J. Abrams remake ANYTHING right? I shudder at the thought of how much worse than George Lucas he can do with the new Star Wars movies.
  • Star Trek XIII: We Ruined Star Trek - This movie hasn't come out yet, but we all know it will be terrible. Why? Because they just don't know when to quit. Star Trek started out half decent, then got good, then got really good, and since Deep Space 9 everything's just been going downhill.