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The unofficial symbol of Asexuality; though the grayscale is supposed to represent the change from sexual to asexual, the pansexuals really just took all the nice colors.

Asexuality is the lack of desire to wildly grind other people's moist nether regions until strange liquids secrete, or watch other people grind their crotches until they climax while moaning excessively and receiving money for doing so. In simpler terms, asexuality is the absence of sexual attraction — not that there's much to be attracted to in the first place. One wonders what others see in hastily inserting and rescinding flabby sexual organs onto other sexual organs, other than the release of certain pleasure-releasing chemicals, which could be easily substituted with actually being happy and content in life without having to copulate needlessly to fill a bottomless hole of addiction, or drugs.

Contrary to stereotypes, Asexuality does not necessarily mean being aromantic. Many asexual people are romantic, and romantic relationships are drastically improved if both partners don't need to worry about having to periodically perform sex merely to temporarily please a primitive, primal urge. This does make relationships between asexual and non-asexual persons difficult in certain aspects, but anyone only seeking physical pleasure in a relationship are as romantic as a yeast infection, and twice as irritating.

Qualities of asexuality

Differences from celibacy

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Asexuality.

Asexuality, unlike Celibacy, does not necessitate a complete lack of sexual intercourse: some asexual people do perform sex acts merely to please their partners, which does lead to the peculiar situation in which a partner actually prefers to talk after doing the deed. Also, unlike celibate persons, some asexuals do masturbate as a form of release; you need to exercise the lower pelvic muscles somehow. Though people who are asexuals can and do take vows of celibacy, most celibate persons try to control their urges to rub their fleshy bits until sticky goo comes out; asexuals obviously have little need. A vow of celibacy for someone who is asexual lacks the "sacrifice" of uninhibitedly jamming nether regions until the creation of a tiny musical concert, and is somewhat redundant in hindsight.


Alfred Kinsey, who separated people into numbered groups of 0 to 6, described a "category X" for people with "no socio-sexual contacts or reactions", and said 1.5% percent of the male population was part of that group. Actual numbers or decent estimates don't exist, and not many researchers want to do studies on Asexuality, as that doesn't feed their lewd urges like other studies. Also, since asexuality isn't an exact term, not everyone who claims they're asexual actually is. To quote the science fiction writer David Langford, "'Asexuality' sounds infinitely more cool than 'not getting any'." But what would he know, what with him working in science fiction.[1]


Early research

Asexuals weren't exactly the most accepted of people during the 1950s.

Before the twentieth century, research on Asexuality was nearly nonexistent, as most research on unconventional forms of sexuality (or lack thereof) involved quoting religious scripture, using the word 'deviant' several hundred times, describing in detail the unnaturalness of not being white and heterosexual, and asking the Lord (or Allah; intolerance is universal) to "purge the land" of the "evil scourge".

In the 1970s, a paper entitled Asexual and Autoerotic Women: Two Invisible Groups was written, and it gave us this definition of asexuality: "...who, regardless of physical or emotional condition, actual sexual history, and marital status or ideological orientation, seem to prefer not to engage in sexual activity." To quote the words of everyone familiar with the prefix a- and how it changes the root word sexual (i.e everyone over the age of six), "no shit, Sherlock". There have been other studies, but all of them have reached the stunning conclusion that asexual people don't have as high a sex drive as the rest of the population.

Asexuality in animals

Though Asexuality is a complicated subject to study in humans, it is much easier to observe in other animals, as one simply needs to see which animal, when exposed to heat, doesn't immediately run to the nearest sexual organ within 50 meters. Human asexuals are entirely different, as they have to deal with issues like coming out of the closet, peer pressure, or the like. Researchers at the United States Sheep Experiment Station[2], who apparently have too much time in their hands, have done an experiment on rams, and have found out that 2-3% of the animals had no interest in mating with others of their kind, proving that an animal doesn't have to be human to be sensible.

Romance and asexuality

Though it would seem asexuality and romance would have nothing to do with each other (many asexuals simply do away with the latter), these two concepts can be intertwined deeply, not unlike the mating rituals of a common barnacle.[3] In fact, asexuality can actually help improve romance, as there is no need for intercourse, or the problems associated with it (assuming both parties are asexual). Without primal urges, truly genuine moments of intimacy can occur more frequently, and love in its pure, unadulterated form can flourish.

One significant problem happens when only one of the partners are asexual. Often, one of the partners wants to ceremonially gyrate their genitals in a horizontal fashion, and the asexual partner in the relationship is left dumbfounded at this unusual conundrum. Some asexuals do perform sex acts merely to please their partner, even though they receive nothing other than regret afterwards. Even when having sex, the non-asexual err...sexual partner is left unsatisfied (the rapacious bastard), as the asexual person is doing nothing else than lying still and thinking of England. "But I want you to moan! At least fake it, or something..." she says. How can I fake it if I'm just going to laugh out loud while trying? Anyways, a sexual partner shouldn't expect much from their asexual soul mates, for obvious reasons.


I don't see what's so special about this picture.

Long before the concept of political correctness was excreted from the pores of the public psyche, Asexuals were completely alone in their lack of sexual orientation, forced to hide it from the prying eyes of moral guardians, who in hindsight seem a bit suspicious searching everywhere for "sexual decadence". Even when other minority groups were already accepted — women finally had the right to vote, and minorities were finally represented fairly by having Hollywood portray them as mystical spirit shamans or moral paragons made to teach virtues to lowly white characters with crippling shyness — asexuals were still in the metaphorical closet.

The Internet

The invention of the Internet meant that people of all kinds could gather together in clandestine meetings free from the watchful gaze of the judging public, and cloaked under the mask of anonymity. Almost immediately, websites appeared and grew, allowing asexuals to converse in secret while still firmly entrenched in their closets. No longer did asexuals have to deal with public scorn and peer pressure, or be subjected to oversexed media prizing copulation and seeking of thereof above all other pursuits. Communities were formed out of these websites, and asexuals could finally be free to express themselves, until they confess to their parents and subsequently become a social pariah, forever alone.[4]


  1. Yes, I used an overused stereotype for humor. No, I will not listen to your cries of my hypocrisy.
  2. The most moronic American experimental station since the one on eugenics and its applicable uses in controlling protesting minorities.
  3. Note: do not look up videos of barnacle mating rituals ever again.
  4. Worse was that time they tried to "cure" me with a banana.


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