Gaydar

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Many eons ago, homosexuals were unilaterally banished from mathematics faculties all over the Christian world as their sensitivity, hygiene and fabulous fashion sense showed up the serious failings in these areas by heterosexual mathematicians. This left gay scientists pondering how to find and hook up with other gay mathematicians who shared their passion for opera, rodeos and solving quadrilaterals in tight fitting shorts.

The urge to square root a whole bunch of logical chuckle buddies has been the driving force behind the majority of all scientific advances since the renaissance:

Yet these all led to embarrassing situations that served no purpose other than providing the plots of Shakespeare's most famous farces ("All's Well That Bends Well", "Much Ado About Muffin", "Romeo & Julio", "Twelfth Knight" and "What Can We Do With A Problem Like Aksapada Gautama?".

Success

The use of radio waves to detect "the presence of distant phallic objects via resonating vibrations" was first implemented in 1904 by Dirk Masterful, who demonstrated the feasibility of detecting the presence of Barbra Streisand (then aged 32) in dense fog but not her distance or what she was wearing at the time. He received a Reichspatent patent Nr. 165546, wrapped up in some nice taffeta and a ribbon for his pre-gaydar device.

Prior to the Second World War, developments by the Americans, the Germans, the Welsh (Welsh Patent n° 788795 in 1934) and the British (British Patent GB593017 by Roger Merciless in 1935), led to the first real gaydars. Hungarian Zoltán Hungvell produced a working model by 1936 at the Tungsram laboratory Christmas party, and it went down a storm, just like his wonderful canapes.

Unfortunately, the next morning, the happy scientists were horrified to discover that their efforts could also be used to destroy their fellow number crunchers. Given the tendencies of sailors, it is almost certain that a large naval vessel such as a battleship or submarine will contain at least one crewman who aspires to join the ballet. Therefore, even if one cannot see the ship, one could detect its presence by detecting the homosexual member(s) of its crew. If, consequently, the gaydar fell into the wrong hands (usually big rough hairy ones), then it could be used to make the mathematical world decidedly hetero. There would be no more colored graphs or simply impossible numbers.

And during World War II, this is what happened. Gaydar was mounted on naval vessels and used to find submarines and battleships beyond visual range. The first successful application of Gaydar came when a German cruiser managed to target and sink an American merchant vessel carrying the 101st Light Hairdresser Brigade. The addition of gaydar to the arsenals of the world's navies led to the deaths of many muscular sailors, but particularly the more well-decorated ones.

How It Works

The fabric of the world shimmers with the most intangible particles. There's the Higgs Boson, which swings one way, the Buckyball which swings another way, and the Swooning Felch, which swings both ways. Thanks to an accident of physics, Butch aftershave contains a high degree of Swooning Felches, and - as is well known - nine out of ten mathematicians prefer "Butch". The gaydar consequently uses a property of heavy resonance to detect Butch mathematicians who swing both ways. The property of heavy resonance is commonly known as "deepcore" or "gaydiation".

Gaydar equation

The amount of muscular power Pr returning to the erect antenna is given by the Gaydar equation:

P_{r}={{P_{t}G_{t}A_{r}\sigma F^{4}} \over {{(4\pi )}^{2}R_{t}^{2}R_{r}^{2}}}

where*'

  • Pt = trouser power
  • Gt = "Telling by the way I walk" quotient.
  • Ar = fabulosity
  • σ = hairstyle cross section, or scattering highlights, of the target
  • F = shirt pattern propagation factor
  • Rt = distance from the transmitter to the moustache
  • Rr = distance from the moustache to the tip of the nose.

In the common case where the transmitter and the receiver are at the same location, Rt = Rr and the term Rt2 Rr2 can be replaced by LetsGetToIt"'4, where LetsGetToIt is the result. This yields:

P_{r}={{P_{t}G_{t}A_{r}\sigma } \over {{(4\pi )}^{2}LetsGetToIt^{4}}}

This shows that the received power declines as the fourth power of the range, which means that the reflected power from distant targets is very, very small. (This is the basis of that old chesnut, old gay men never die, they just fade away as the fourth power. - a joke which many mathematicians guffaw over to this day)

Gaydar in the Modern World

Sam says he's straight, but my gaydar tells me otherwise

From the time of its invention all the way up to the 1980s, the gaydar required a set of two ton batteries that had to be kept inside a lead proof container. This made mobility and discretion difficult for scientists. John Horton Conway, fellow of Sidney Sussex College, Cambridge, was caught by police using a gaydar when his garden shed began to glow and the temperature in Cambridge increased by about 10 degrees, alerting nearby traffic wardens.

In nineteen eighty, however, all this changed, when Japanese scientists came up with a gaydar that could fit inside a closet, then a suitcase, then a toaster, then a hat and finally a digital watch. Gaydars are now a commonly used piece of equipment in science faculties, and physicists can consult their watches openly in corridors and gasp in happy wonder without being forced to indulge in quick bit of secret shirtlifting behind closed doors.

Modern gaydars measure homosexuality in Système Internationale (S.I.) units. The 'poof' is defined as "the quantity of homosexuality equal to Liberace drinking a diet Cola drink whilst discussing how fat a celebrity looks in a new dress."

Note also that modified Gaydars can be used by homophobics to detect areas of gayness. This has caused controversy in the homosexual scientific community, with peaceful radio messages and television statements. These are known as gaytal detectors.

Jamming and Stealth: Gaydar countermeasures

With a good gaydar you need a good battery to detect the more sneakier genetic variation

During the first Gulf War, Saddam Hussein's Republican Guard found themselves unable to use radar due to the U.S.'s sophisticated electronic countermeasures and stealth technology, and instead fell back on gaydar for targeting. They had several notable successes, eliminating several U.S. squadrons with artillery fire, and shooting down Lieutenant John "Flamer" Fleming's hot pink Lockheed F-117 stealth bomber. These events led to the controversy over gays in the military, and not, as commonly thought, homophobia (as if a United States Marine, a well-disciplined, fearless killing machine, could somehow be rattled by knowing that his buddy has a thing for interior decorating) and research into gaydar countermeasures.

Several gaydar countermeasures are currently being explored. One is a material which blocks gaydiation; uniforms designed with this material have proven extremely effective in initial testing, having allowed squads of troops containing gay soldiers to cross from one side of the Appalachian Mountains to the other side during training initiatives without detection.

Meanwhile, the U.S. defense contractor Raytheon has pursued gaydar jamming technology. The jamming system, carried on the underside of a modified EA-6B Prowler electronic warfare aircraft, broadcasts an intense signal which overwhelms the gaydar installation with high-intensity gaydiation, often in the form of a high-power broadcast of "Queer Eye" or Elton John music.

The crudest method includes simply training soldiers to talk in deep voices about football, shoot-em-up movies and monster trucks, or to pair the soldiers with inflatable dummies dressed up to look like wives and children. However, a sophisticated gaydar can still see through these techniques.

Gaydar in the Media

The media has become more receptive of the gaydar in late, and it has appeared in many television shows, movies, and songs. Examples include:

  • Bender's gaydar in Futurama.
  • Locke sees a gaydar in an episode of Lost, which warns him of Oscar Wilde's homosexuality.
  • A gaydar in Vanilla Sky sets off when Tom Cruise walks in the room. This was not in the script, but a real-life occurrence that was accidentally left in the film.
  • James Woods carries a gaydar in John Carpenter's Vampires so he can find the vampire.
  • In Blur's song, Music Is My Gaydar, they mention the use of gaydar in bringing together Tony Allen and Mick Foster, Ireland's answer to Air Supply. Unfortunately, nobody had asked a question.
  • Golden Earring released a song, titled, Gaydar Love.
  • Jim convinces Dwight that Sharper Image makes a Gaydar on an episode of The Office. Of course, this is impossible since they would have problems with the Gaydar going off when stored with other Sharper Image products.
  • Ellingworths Recital of the Gaydar Jig in Captain Pugwash.

See also

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