East Germany

East Germany Deutsche Demokratische Kuban Kommie Republik DaDa-R
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "STASI Is Watching You"
Anthem: "Kommie, kommie, über alles"
DDR 2.0 location: We Are Back! Resistance Is Futile
Capital	Berlin, Hauptstadt der DDR
Largest city	Havana
Demonym	Ossies
Official language(s)	German and, after 1990, Spanish
Government	Weird Germankommieismshaft™
Queen	Margot Honecker
‑ Prime Minister	Raúl Castro
Declaration  of Independence	"Ehrrr.. Komrade USSRia, can we be independent?" "НЕТ!" "Ok!"
Currency	Marxmark
Religion	VERBOTEN!
Area	The one behind the Iron Curtain
Internet TLD	.ddr

German history is fast: one month after this carnival DDR vanished

The East Germoney, offically Die So-called German Democratic Republic, was an Eastern European country and, until October 7, 1990, a Caribbean state and resort island kindly offered by Fidel Castro. The GDR, DDR, or 2PAC, was the strongest Germany in Germankindmannschaft History: the only one able of not losing territories, conquering an "Oversea Country" (A French way to call, and mock, its colonies) in the Americas, conquering the Space, defeat itself into a World Cup, duplicate its cool capital city and... Vanish in a night without the help of David Copperfield or Harry Houdini. Oh Wie Ist Das Schön!!!

History

See also: Berlin Wall, Checkpoint Charlie, and Iron Curtain

Is there anybody going to listen to my story
All about the German Commie State?
It's the kind of state you want so much it makes you sorry
Still, you will regret a single day
Ah Bärl... East Bärl...

When I think of all the times I tried so hard to leave it
STASI turn to me and make me sweat
And it promises the space to me and I believe it
After all this time I don’t know why
Ah Bärl... East Bärl...

Geography

Where is Fritz?

East Germany, named Central Germany by German nationalists, Western Poland by Polish nationalists, and Søuthårn Denmark after World War III; lies... Yes, he lies about his true location. So, we don't know where the Ossies are.

Subdivision

Lying about the size, DDR crumbled its federal states to create the Bezirke, so we have: 14 districts, 1 special city, 1 nobody-cares-islet. For a total of 16, as the current German Länder! Fuck yeah!

DDR Reloaded 2.0

Ostalgie is a serious problem. Once upon a time, DDR ruled over 2/5 of current Germoney and now, as said in any paragraph, it is a Caribbean islet. Yes, of course this is a pride, because Ernst Thälmann Island demonstrates that DDR is unsinkable. But the Titanic too... So, being a Caribbean state is ok (Baltic Sea really really sucks), being a Cuban dependency too. Being under a province named Matanzas ("killings") is a bit weird. Being under a municipality named Ciénaga de Zapata ("Shoe's Swamp") because it looks like an ankle boot is too much! So, the DDR 2.0 is coming back with a list of rightful claims in any continent. See the list below, choose your nearest Oblast-Consejo-Bezirkslandeshauptstadt and join us(SR): Jawohl, Wir Kann!

Oblast	Claim reason
East Berlin	The capital and bestest city in the world. Fuck you West Berlin
Western East Germany	It's the old DDR surrounding Berlin
East Austria	Rightful East German clay and with a walled Vienna until 1955
Western Poland	The Eastest Germany
Kaliningrad Oblast	Russians sold us and we take back our Eastest and Socialist Pomerania
Czechia	Full of ossies and a rightful corridor to reach Ost-ria
Slovenia	We have Austria, let's reach Mediterranean Sea, because Nordsee sux
East Namibia	Rightful East German clay with a rightful commie aspiration
Whole Togo	Rightful East German clay, but it's a bidimensional thin and tall state, impossible to divide into east and west. So, it's all Ossie
Dat Cuban Islet	Fidel gave us as a rightful East German clay, nobody never took it back, so that islet is rightful Ossie
Papua New Guinea	Rightful East German clay, and the east side of Papua island
East Korea	So, Korea wants to copycat us? To repair, East Korea is rigtfully us

Politics

"STASI Is Watching You"

Contrarily to what the Capitalist Pigods' propaganda said, ossie politics favored pluralism. Within the "(Not-French) National Front", led by the SED (Socialist Unity Party of Germany), you should choose any kind of ideology, thanks to this puppet co-working and useless friendly parties:

• CDU: Christian Democratic but Actually Commy Union of Germany (Now Merkel-Free!)
• LPDP: Liberal Democratic Capitalist but Actually Commy Party of Germany
• NDPD: National Democratic Nazi but Actually Commy Party of Germany
• DBD: Democratic and Commy Farmers' Party of Germany

So, choose your party, take your "Spreewald Cucumber" ice cream while walking through our safe city park, and remeber: be a loyal citizen! Because: if in Soviet Russia you watch the STASI... We are not in Russia, so stay up and don't touch the wall. Socialist greetings.

Heads of State

Picture	Name	In office	Party	Notes
	Wilhelm Prick	1949–1960	SED, of course	In office with Johannes Dicker-Max as acting predecessor and acting successor
	Walter Ull-your-bricks-are-belong-to-us	1960–1973	SED, I said	Built the Berlin Wall. Him, personally, with his bare hands!
	Willy Will Stop	1973–1976	Always SED	Willi who? The one in office after the acting president Friedrich Ebert Jr.! Who?
	Evil Honeycker	1976–1989	SED, no doubts!	All in all it's just another brick in the wall
	The Purple Witch Project	1976–1989	SED, SED!	The most beloved person in DDR by her husband
	Egg-on Crab	1989–1989	SAD	Yes, he's actually Egon Spengler
	Manfred Der Last	1989–1990	LPDP, sort of SED	Just the time to gain a picture of a Wikipedian list
	Ingrid Bergmann-Pohl (actually Helmut Kohl)	1990–1990	CDU	Did You Know? ... that the last Supreme Soviet of the GDR was Lothar de Maizière Helmut Kohl?
	Sigmund Jähn	1990–∞	SED 2.0	Just in Alex Kerner's wet dreams
	Herr Fiedel Carsten	1990–2008	PCC	“Yes, am German and the Vorsitzender des Staatsrats. ¿Is there any problem?”
	Herr Radulf Carsten	2008–2018	PCC	“¿Am I German too, bro?”
	Herr Michael Dienst-Kleinel	2018–now	PCC	“¡Ich bin ein Havanner!”

Culture

“No sports, just transports.”

– Winston Churchill on game in East German restaurant charters

A cultural day in the cultural life of a cultured Ossie

• 

  In Soviet Germany your mom survives on you.

• 

  Don't be scared by Murrican propaganda: he's not spying on you...

• 

  ... He's your guardian angel. Every Berliner has one...

• 

  ... Checking that you don't hurt yourself by climbing over the walls.

• 

  He can protest and call "FEGELEIN! FEGELEIN! FEGELEIN!" as much as he wants. This is a Nazi-free Germany.

• 

  Not a fucking Free Nazi Germany!

• 

  Here chlidren can grow up happy and safe. And not only in Golzow...

• 

  ... In the ßig Äpple too!

• 

  Ossie's subway is the symbol of efficiency: S+U Bahn takes you wherever you want, 24 hours a day...

• 

  ...Meanwhile, capitalist subway's motto is: "Nowhere to Run!"

• 

  So, relax: Keep Calm And Choose Your General Secretary...

• 

  ... Watch your favorite anime...

• 

  ... Enjoy your Leipzig-made Socialist Koka-Kola™...

• 

  ... Back to the Future with your OUT A TRABI...

• 

  ... And don't be scared: "all in all is just a white and circular wall".

Technology

Capitalist jets can break the sound barrier, that is... AIR! Can they break the brick barrier?!

Ossies invented the "Capital City With a Foreign Walled Country Inside" (sort of matryoshka), but they're pat pending because it seems that somebody did the same in a central slum of Rome 33 years before. Anyway Ossies invented... Huh... TRABI: DAS AUTO.™ And now, follwing the law of synergies among the bangers, try the Trabant-Microsoft! Hurry up!

See also

• Soviet Union
• Yugoslavia
• Czechoslovakia
• North Korea
• Dance Dance Revolution

External links

• For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to East Germany

Freaky German Stuff Varying geography: Germany - Austria - Switzerland (sort of) - That tiny country that may as well be Luxembourg - Berlin - Vienna - Netherlands - Luxembourg - Alsace - Belgium - West Berlin A Frightening people: Germans - Prussians - Bavarians - The Swiss - Luxembourgian - Angry German Kid - Liechtensteinian - Knut - Dr. Ruth - Claudia Schiffer Frightening leaders: Adolf Hitler - Otto Von Bismarck - Darth Hitler - Heinrich Himmler - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, or "Gerta" - Albert Einstein - Bertolt Brecht - Benedict XVI - Elizabeth II - Kurt Vonnegut - Nietzsche - Leo Strauss - Karl Marx - Uwe Boll - Herman the German Confusing language: German - Grammar Nazis - Umlaut - Hegel - Yiddish - Kant Unnerving Musik: Einstürzende Neubauten - Kraftwerk - Johann Sebastian Bach - Ludwig van Beethoven - Wolfman On-the-dais Moatsart - Gus Mauler - Paul Hindemith - Oomph! - 19-hour-long operas about gods wearing bear skins and helmets - Kreator - Blind Lemon Kraftwerk - Rammstein - Sodom Shameful history: House of Hangover - World War II - Nazism - Swastikas - Holocaust - Lolicaust - German Duplication - Berlin Wall - Death camps - 2002 Germany airplane sexual intercourse

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