Before Broken Britain
“You was only supposed to blow the bloody doors off ...”
Before Broken Britain is a historical document detailing the state of the United Kingdom before it became broken by a sudden unexplained absence of the Dunkirk spirit. The article is a collation of peer-reviewed observations from the science journal the Daily Mail based on meticulous study within some of Britain's most prestigious learning establishments.
Reminiscing
Many of the more mature members of society are enthusiasts of "reminiscing": quite reasonably and vaguely explaining how much better things were before people in the role "do-gooders" started to gain disproportionate influence. The recreation serves as the main source of our knowledge about what Britain was like all those years ago before it broke.
Traditionally, reminiscing was restricted to two main areas:
- Things
- Leaving doors open
Things
Before Broken Britain things just worked. This situation has since altered, and it is now the case that things have become over-complicated and aimed only at young people – who break them anyway or at least use them to over-complicate other things. Things first became under threat in 1971 when Paul McSmy mentioned it a little too loudly in the Red Lion pub in Colchester: "Things were simpler in my day."
Leaving doors open
One of the most common themes of this activity is to recall how people "used to be able to leave your doors open". Doors' only real function in the past was to keep out the chill. Fitting locks onto doors became popular after the invention of "robbery" in 1978, locks having previously been used only on dusty wooden trunks.
Foreigners and the Empire
Europe
In 1973 various countries connected their landmasses to each other to create the socialist concept of a "continent". They named this new concept "Europe". This new form crushed the juice out of the constituent countries, mixing them into an ugly left-wing goo. With the exception of Ireland and Gibraltar, Europe had never been a part of the Empire and was therefore not worth speaking of.
Europe was quick to pervert Britain's natural foods: It straightened bananas, changed potatoes to weigh in metrics and mandated the washing of apples before their consumption. This removed the innocence that apples had previously enjoyed.
Immigrants
"People who don't talk like us" have increased by over 9000% since Europe, with many Poles standing on corners obstructing the unique visual qualities of corners once obstructed by British lamp-posts. They have taken our jobs, the only concept with which one can legitimately own without having any knowledge, involvement or interest in it.
Fat people
In pre-Broken Britain, there were so few fat people that, when they were observed on the streets, approaching them to cut out Christmas pudding ingredients was an affair involving the whole community and was likely to be encountered only once every few months, while now it seems that people have realised Britain is full with all the immigrants and so have decided to make themselves full. The fat are so abundant now that many people no longer have a morbid curiosity about them.
Young people
Before the breaking of Britain, young people were seen but not heard. This allowed betters to enjoy more uninterrupted conversation and thus make decisions that allowed the island to prosper, to wit keeping out Asian-coloured people (Asians). In the 1970s, due to televisions and black people and black people on television, young people began to develop the characteristics of the 56th entry on the periodic table: the hooligan element. A policy of culling anyone under fifteen was initially successful in maintaining an exemplary one-piece Britain until 1986, when do-gooders stuck their oar into none-of-their-business.
Education
Before the obliteration of its form, Britain's education system was the envy of the world. Today, exams are too easy and getting easier at a rate too simple to calculate. It is now possible to get a C in mathematics by spelling your name correctly and writing a short paragraph that advocates gay marriage.
Society and knowing your place
Crime
Crime was relatively low in the glorious past, due to manners and punishment. Small transgressions by youngens were quickly dealt with by retaliatory pet killings. "Law and Order" was King, "Respect" was Queen – but in Broken Britain crime is rewarded, with poor families deliberately allowing themselves to be caught selling drugs so as to qualify for PlayStations and luxury houses that you could never afford.
Gays
| “ | They don’t like it up ’em ... | ” |
The gays were invented in 1981 by the Guardian in an attempt to revive its flagging sales. It was a perversion of an up-until-then innocent pastime of campness in which certain men would behave effeminately on television to entertain people who didn't have time to be effeminate themselves. They did so without feeling the need to go near bums. The newspaper's new concept involved the male aiming his unmentionable at the "coincidental hole" of another male.
Stiff upper lip and all that
Before the island's dispersion, British citizens came equipped with a "stiff upper lip", the metaphor for British people's upper lips' being as sponge-like and disappointing as those of any other nation's. It refers to pre-Broken Britain occupant's ability to not to make a fuss when a bank repossessed his house. Deaths of children were referred to in no stronger terms than "unfortunate", whilst the loss of a limb is counter-balanced by talk of the continuing utility of the "favourite arm".
Political correctness
Pre-Broken Britain, political correctness was perfectly sane. In the early-eighties the concept of political correctness was put under undue strain by people in wheelchairs and blacks with speech impediments. Thus by 1986, when Britain broke, political correctness went mad. Political correctness embarrasses itself, shouting down anyone who tries to make jokes about anything these days.
Deterioration of reality
Before the corrosion of this Sceptred Isle, you knew where you were with people. Now you don't know where you stand. Where before you had your betters, now there are so-called experts who have a jumped-up degree but wouldn't know a good decision if it slapped them in the face. Where previously there was "Common Sense", now there is a fully-fledged "Health and Safety Brigade", where the Nanny State tells you if there is a hole in the ground you might not want to fall down, if you are not allowed to carry a two-by-four balanced on your shoulder without using your hand, and that your doorways have to be wide enough to accommodate wheelchair users.
And another thing. "Men were men" and "women were women" in my day. Now, if something isn't feminist, it's sexist. If it isn't camp as a field of tents, it's homophobic, and if it isn't multicultural, it's a racist joke which is cause for dismissal. You can't do anything these days.
See also
