Cloning

Until recent years mankind has had to rely on qualified practitioners of sexual intercourse to increase their numbers. However, in 1997 Scottish scientists – on the payroll of actor Ewan McGregor – perfected cloning technology, allowing the creation of Dolly the Sheep (named for known advocate of human cloning, Dolly Parton), an exact genetic replica of her "mother" and an important landmark in the US Government's "War on Sex".

History

Early work in cloning centered on trying to create test tube babies. In time, however, most of the women participating in the experiments complained that the glass test tubes were not as comfortable as the plastic dildos they were accustomed to.

George Lucas once made several clones of himself. Unfortunately, this led to an attack.

Another experiment involved an attempt to clone Marilyn Monroe. All work on this project was halted by the government after the first icky result: Courtney Love.

Methodology

Although the exact methods used remain unknown due to the untimely demise of the scientists involved, shortly after Dolly's creation, it is believed that they extracted DNA from the mother sheep and, rubbed it repeatedly on the heads of small children to make it sticky. Following this step, the now sticky DNA was inserted into a mechanical sperm cell before fertilisation.

Unfortunately for the "War on Sex", at this stage the act of intercourse was still necessary, but scientists today are coming ever closer to their ultimate goal of completely eliminating the need for sexual relations within the human species.

James Brown (left), James Brown (his right) and James Brown (on the john) ignoring James Brown

Recent advances

The successful creation of Dolly the Sheep has been succeeded by recent forays into human cloning, most notably The Godfather and Keeper of Souls: James Brown. Mutations, caused by DNA damage when the lead cloning technician spilt his cup of UVB, resulted in the offspring being white. Apart from that they are, however, all genetically identical to the original Godfather of Soul.

Conspiracy theorist viewpoint

• The Official Blink 182 Fanclub of Gibraltar and The Namibian chapter of the Hell's Angels have taken the viewpoint that Dolly the sheep was not in fact cloned, but rather the orchestrator of an experiment to see whether humans would actually waste a decade and millions of pounds on trying to create a sheep when they could get one by simply praying to Mecca. There were found to be discrepancies in the billing of the programme; the super dooper magic machine which is way too complex for you to understand consumed almost half the budget. However, it turned out to be carrot.
• Noam Chomsky has rehashed some black helicopter theories, claiming that cloning promotes the subservience of women and will lead the way to the destruction of democracy.
• Adolf Hitler claimed cloning was created by the zog and sold all of his shares in the company.

See also

• Clone

ImClone