Kryptonite
“It’s worth its weight in supermen!”
Kryptonite is a transparent to mottled green colored stuff originating from the destroyed planet Krypton. It has been scientifically ascertained that genuine kryptonite is an unknown alien extraterrestrial material composed entirely of an unknown alien extraterrestrial material called kryptonite.[1]
Kryptonite has no known utility apart from its use by sick-minded villains to counteract truth, justice, and the American way – to wit the strength and invincibility of the ultimate heroes, Clark Kent and Barak Obama.
Planet of origin
Kryptonian standards are no longer applicable because Krypton was destroyed. Except for rogue pieces which were blasted into all directions of space at the time of Krypton's dissolution, there simply is no more kryptonite. However, scientists have used both supermen and kryptonite as reference points to speculate qualities of Krypton that would normally be sheer conjecture.
After three months of head-scratching and limited government funding, the scientists concluded that Krypton was generally made up of "kryptonite and other materials similar to kryptonite", and populated by men dressed in red and blue tights or leotards with long capes who might appear weak and barely able to stand on Krypton.
Other so-called experts suggest that, based on the sheer volume of kryptonite that crops up in our solar system – not to mention distance or the inverse-square law – Krypton must have had the mass of a neutron star, if not a black hole. This leads them to postulate that the sun which planet Krypton revolved around must have gotten the Kryptonitians even higher than our yellow sun. Otherwise, they would have been crushed by the gravity of the situation.
Appearance
In Earth's atmosphere kryptonite appears greenish, but experiments have shown that it changes colors under different conditions. For example, kryptonite turns yellow when exposed to concentrated carbon dioxide levels, similar to the atmosphere of Mars. When the experimenters dropped acid, kryptonite appeared paisley. And when the test subjects got intoxicated on cheap wine they couldn't give a rats ass what color it was.
Hardness and other attributes
Kryptonite has hardness well over Earth's Mohs scale (1–10), making it the hardest element on Earth. It has no taste or smell, although it is said to have stunk like hell back on its home planet and taste bloody awful.
A kilogram of Kryptonite, by Earth's atmospheric standards, is assumed to have weighed 1.5 carats on Krypton, making it relatively lighter than a feather there. However, there is a large (51%) margin of error due to intractability.
The refractive index of kryptonite is literally "off the refractometer", and it is far brighter than a laser beam shining into the eyes of an airline pilot attempting to land. This unfathomably high refractive index makes kryptonite appear to glow at Bar Mitzvahs.
Utility
Because of its extreme density when in Earth's atmosphere, kryptonite has no known utility in any Earth industry. Although highly non-radioactive and thus safe for Earthlings to wear it is nonetheless rarely if ever used in jewelry. In fact, as previously stated, kryptonite has no use on Earth other than fighting against the rule-of-law.
Value and supply
A kilogram of kryptonite sells for Amero 30 on Earth's white market – where there are no buyers and which is strictly controlled by the White House – but on the black market even a gram of kryptonite sells for at least a six million. Its use by unlicensed scoundrels is otherwise strictly controlled by international laws governing the possession of extraterrestrial materials.
The amount of kryptonite which actually entered Earth's atmosphere is scientifically unknown, although the area with the highest presence is believed to be the metropolis of Metropolis. Otherwise its scarcity has never been determined, nor does anyone (apart from the supermen) really give a hoot about it.
Contraindications
Proximity to kryptonite weakens the alien powers of supermen, thus robbing them of their usual ability to fight crime and terrorism. It also causes severe weakness in their joints, and makes it impossible for them to fly. Kryptonite also adversely effects their sex lives – which pretty much goes without saying.
See also
References
- ↑ Science Today Magazine: 11/3
