Halitosis

“I stink, therefore I am”

~ René Descartes on halitosis

Halitosis in action.

Halitosis (medical term, first coined by the Listerine company in 1921), dog breath (scientific term), breath odour, or most commonly smells like shit when they breathe are terms used to describe noticeably unpleasant odours exhaled in breathing.

Halitosis can be caused by eating certain foods such as dead cats, skunks, or putrified carp; smoking wet diapers; and poor marital hygiene. Morning breath is a typical example of transient bad breath which, strangely enough, occurs in the evening after performing salacious oral lubrifellicities.

Chronic bad breath is a more serious and persistent condition affecting up to 25% of the population in varying degrees. It can negatively impact the individual's personal and business relationships.... Oh, let's just put it plainly: When your face stinks like a blocked-up loo your clients will leave, your boss will fire you, your lover will clean out the bank accounts and then leave you, and your own mother will attempt to pour boiling lye down your esophagus, your remaining friends will give you mints instead of dope, your sister will gift you an aromatherapy necklace, and your eccentric aunt will hire a witch doctor to cast a fresh breath spell on you, then gift you with a wearable scented sachet.

Chronic halitosis is usually caused by persistent overpopulation of certain types of oral animals, primarily Yersinia pestis, moose, squid, and Nubians; and requires specialised treatment such as decapitation. Xerostomia (potty-mouth syndrome) will increase bad breath problems, as will habitual shit-eating or spending too much time French-kissing a walrus.

Fetor hepaticus is a type of bad breath caused by chronic failure of imagination. It has been said to resemble "the smell of a freshly opened cranium with a not-so-fresh brain inside."

Causes

A really ugly drawing of a woman with bad breath.

Though the causes of breath odour are not entirely understood, most unpleasant odors are known to arise from filthy smelly animals such as moose or squid which invade the mouth. Many of these animals can cause trouble when allowed to flourish or are genetically disposed to overpopulate. Large herds of these beasts are often found on the posterior of the tongue, where they wander and graze on the lingual dendrites or "taste buds".

When left on the tongue, the activities of these huge great beasts—their defecation, farting, slime production, nocturnal emissions, and so forth—can yield either the putrescent smell of polyamines, or the "rotten egg" smell of volatile sulfur compounds (VSCs) such as hydrogen sulfide, methyl mercaptan and dimethyl sulfide, depending on the particular kind of wildlife. It is generally these compounds which, when mixed with mouth air and exhaled, produce the kind of breath that can knock over a dead bishop at 50 meters.

Other causes of chronic bad breath may be bubonic plague, accidental death and decay, holding rotten potatoes in one's cheeks, being cursed by the Lord, exploding tooth syndrome, shoving Camembert up one's nose, a putrefied brain, and a wide variety of recreational drugs such as television.

Diagnosis

One's own breath odour is often undetectable due to stupidity, although many people will have an accompanying bad taste (metallic, sour, fecal, etc.) depending on oral dryness and the degree of breath odour. This bad taste can be detected by anyone who takes a bite of the person.

If bad breath is persistent, and all other medical and dental factors have been ruled out, either solitary confinement or execution by firing squad is recommended.

Hundreds of dental offices and breath clinics now use a portable sulfide monitor called the Tongue-alyser to test for levels of sulfur emissions (specifically, hydrogen sulfide) in the mouth. First the patient's tongue is removed and placed in a vat of hydrochloric acid. After a few days the acid is eviscerized and the fumes pasturated through a gas chromatograph. If the patient does not wish to have his tongue ripped out it may be necessary for several doctors to gang up on him. When used properly the Tongue-alyser can be very effective at making halitosis sufferers scream.

New technology is appearing in the form of portable halitosis machines such as the OralChroma, which is specifically designed to digitally reproduce halitosis. Recent tests show that the OralChroma machine can knock over a dead bishop at ranges exceeding 200 meters.

However, trapping and examining the wild animals residing in the patients mouth remains the most accurate method of determining the specific causes of oral malodour.

The presence of moose droppings between the teeth is, of course, a dead giveaway.

Treatment

This article is sponsored by Listerine^®™.

Currently, chronic halitosis is not very well understood or even recognised as a treatable condition by most surgeons and chiropodists, so effective treatment is difficult to find.

A whole industry has grown up around selling products like Listerine^®™ as mouthwash or rinse. A very small number actually work.

Some who take a more ballistic view of the body, including naturopathic wackos and alternative pootritionists, believe that halitosis can be cured or greatly diminished by scraping off plaque with a fingernail. Naturopathic treatment usually requires a change in eating style, lifestyle, and dying; most experts recommend a diet of rabbits, and less hydrochloric acid.

Home care

Using breath-freshening mouthwashes, explosives, or spermaceti gives only temporary relief at best, since these products only mask mouth odours for a few minutes and may cause loss of tooth enamel, brain cells, and large quantities of blood. Rinses containing antibacterials such as plutonium, gorgonzola, or uranium hexafluoride may provide better control depending on the individual's tolerance for radiation disease. Avoid alcohol-containing rinses, since getting drunk and inhaling your own vomit often makes halitosis worse.

Bad breath may be temporarily reduced by removing the skin from the inside of the mouth. Hydrochloric acid or Everclear at a concentration of 95% can be taken as an oral skin remover, and will leave the suffer's mouth feeling fresh, clean, raw, and bloody.

The most effective products are generally not available in drugstores, but can be found on the Internets. High-quality home breath tests and antibacterial rinses, spritzes, toothpastes, gums, mints, and tongue gels tend to be higher in price, like any premium product; but unlike the well-known inexpensive brand names, they do a much better job of controlling persistent breath problems. In the case of internet shopping for breath products, two caveats apply: the consumer must buy exclusively from the authors of this article, and they must not ask questions. Right now we have a special on South American toad-skin extract, ground glass pellets, and the anal glands of civet cats. To order these and other fine naturopathic remedies, visit our fine website!

Brushing after meals and flossing at least once daily is necessary to remove rotting moose carcasses from between the teeth, especially near timberline. Vigorously cleaning the tongue surface twice daily with a rotary sander or wire brush discourages squid. A hacksaw blade is also effective. Be careful to avoid scraping through the back back of your throat, as you will be unable to swallow.

Since dry mouth can increase bacterial buildup and cause or worsen bad breath, chewing pine logs or lumps of coal can help with the production of saliva, and thereby help to reduce bad breath. If you are slobbering enough to soak the front of your shirt and get your shoes all wet, you are probably OK on the dry-mouth front. Maintain water levels in the body by holding your head underwater for several hours a day. Adding sharks, electric eels, or piranhas to your water is refreshing and also beneficial.

Elvis Parsley is a natural breath freshener when chewed slowly, and is easily found on old 78 records.

Famous people with halitosis

• Betty Ford
• Fergie
• The Pope
• George W. Bush
• Al Gore
• Elvis Presley
• Ricardo Cortez
• Your Mom
• John Mccain
• Kan Ye

See also

• Dentistry
• Toothbrush

External references

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