Is the moon made of cheese?
“Of course the moon's made of cheese - how else do you explain the holes and the yellow colour? The real question is, how can it not be cheese? It makes perfect sense.”
Throughout the ages, many have wondered what the moon is made of - some say rock, others say space dust, some even say highly comminuted anorthositic regolith, but one theory stands out above the rest: The possibility that the moon is made of cheese.
Just what type of cheese the moon is made from remains a mystery. Many assume, due to the craters, the cheese is some form of swiss variety. However due to the dry nature, it is much more likely a british stilton or maybe a wensleydale with cranberries.
In fact the first man on the moon, Aneeda Smith famously shouted, after taking the first man made bite out of the moon, "Holy **** this **** is cheese!" Good job Aneeda. We wish we could credit Aneeda for being the first woman to eat out the moon, but that would be sexist, and unfair because women are not capable of accomplishing anything before men. Did we mention she was also African American? She claimed she first sampled the moon believing the moon was one big crack rock, to her dismay she was wrong.
All have wondered if the moon is made of cheese, if so, then where are the crackers, and does this make asteroids, jelly beans, because that would be awesome. Some say the moon's made out of dust, and rock, however, it has also been said that before human life came to earth, aliens landed, started a dairy farm, and attempted to break the universal, biggest cheese ball record. Unfortunately for them, Oprah Winfrey had already started a dairy farm of her own, and beat them to it. (Her moon, aka. "The Big O", is now located in the Sombrero Galaxy). Thanks to Oprah, now when someone asks you what the moon is made of, you can smile and say cheese.
The Man on the Moon Theory[edit | edit source]
According to recent evidence, as brought attention by Harvard graduate Tom Picklepuss, "The man on the moon is not real because the man would have died by now and the man on the moon is the moon's craters shaped like a face!"
| Swiss Cheese Theory | Man in the Moon Theory | |
|---|---|---|
| Arguments For: | - Swiss Cheese has holes, in line with the proven fact that the moon is holey.
- The moon is sometimes yellow, like Swiss Cheese. |
- If you look at the moon, you can see a man.
- Some say that Doctor Ivan is the moon's brother. |
| Arguments Against: | - Sometimes the moon is not yellow, which is not like Swiss Cheese. | - Men are only known to live in 3 places in the universe and the moon is not 2 of them. |
| Interesting Facts: | - Swiss Cheese comes from Swiss.
- The average bull ant can lift 10 times its own wieght. That's like you lifting up a car! Yeah, think about it. |
- Bader is an arabic name which means 'moon' in english. If you connect the dots and carry the two, you will find out that every person named Bader is made out of cheese. The body of a man named Bader al Taj was found in a well and was taken to police to find out what happened to him. When they cut open his chest, a foul blue-cheese odor spewed out of the body killing everyone in the morgue. The body was lost after that point. Scientists say that this man could have been an alien that lives on the moon. |
Cheese mines[edit | edit source]
Is it possible that the moon is not made of cheese, but has many cheese mines? Many visitors to the moon have found many hunks of cheese on the Moon's surface, but the surface is mostly rocky and inedible.
There have been astronauts excavating the moon's surface in search of cheese mines, but no commecial mines have been found thus far.
Epilogue - The BIG CHEESE[edit | edit source]
Doctor Ivan was sadly burned down, just like the Man in the Moon, burned to death in a government consipiracy. His findings became a mixture of used toilet paper and cheese fondu. One day Doctor Ivan will get the recognition he deserves, but til then he's heading to the BIG CHEESE in the sky, which may just be the moon ... or it may not be.
One day, in the future, when man has bettered technology or when highly intelligent aliens with unusually large heads (for larger brains) are our masters we may found out the answer to the question "is the moon made of cheese?". But then where will it end? As mankind's lust for knowledge about his environment and universe endlessly increases one asks the question, will humans (or aliens with large heads as it quite likely will be) discover everything there is to know and answer every question, causing their heads to asplode or implode from nothing to discover?
This author says yes and says that some questions are left unanswered. So to you, I bid good day.
P.S. Interestingly enough, the United States Space Catapulters' Guild says they discovered plenty of cheese on the moon by catapulting a mouse onto it. It is debatable whether it's Swiss cheese or Munster cheese, though, although a small faction thinks it's Monterey Jack.[1]