Cape Cod
Cape Cod is the world's largest mechanized fish trap. Constructed in 1620 by the crew of the Mayflower with Borg technology, it provided the sole source of nourishment to the impoverished Pilgrims, Puritans, and New England Patriots, which allowed them to survive the harsh autumns and incessant meteor strikes of the region.
Operation[edit | edit source]
Cape Cod consists of a vast mechanical robot arm which (via remote control from an undisclosed location on Nantucket Island) regularly sweeps the entire Atlantic Ocean clean of all marine life. Most of the inedible catch (such as sharks, Tom Hanks, dolphins, sperm whales, octopi, catfish, plankton, tuna, luxury yachts, aircraft carriers, clams, Cubans, etc.) are either tossed down the garbage disposal or made into cat food and McDonald's Happy Meals. The valuable cod, however, is collected and squished in giant hydraulic presses to produce Boston's endless supply of cod liver oil.
Environmental Impact and Notable People[edit | edit source]
Many left-wing brie-eating sissy tree humpers have criticized the centuries-old traditional fishing methods of Massachusetts, primarily because the metallic scraping of the nuclear powered thousand-miles-long armature (allegedly) does irreparable harm to sensitive marine habitats, such as the coral beds which the endangered zebra-striped Sargasso Sea leech needs to survive. Needless to say, these wrist-swishing "Save the Earth" fanatics care not a single crap about what would happen to the innocent families of tens of displaced fisher folk that would suddenly have nothing to live on except exorbitant government subsidies.
Warning To Cape Cod Travelers[edit | edit source]
Be wary of the folks you meet from over the bridge. They attempt to fool people into driving over the Bourne and Sagamore bridge during summer through sticker trickery. On RT 25 & RT 3 there are back ups up to 17 miles and Lizardman is known to lurk the area, syphoning the CO2 of your exaust to fuel the revolution against The Cape Wind Farm. You may notice driving around Cape Cod that people have stickers on the their vehicle about the Cape Cod Canal Tunnel. Any Convenience store sells them through out the surrounding area. They are sold on the premise that there is no tunnel, and the joke is on the tourist who ask a native Cape Codder about it. THERE IS A TUNNEL The tunnel entrances are in the two Texaco Gas parking lots located at the Bourne and Sagamore Rotary. Please visit the Sagamore Texaco station. Due to construction, they are no longer right off the rotary, which makes for no wait time for tunnel entrance. The employees consist of 16 year old kids with millionaire parents who use their meager paychecks to buy OxyContin 80's and various types of speed. While they are nodding out; you can refuel, steal any food item your little heart desires, and take advantage of the amazing lottery Massachusetts has to offer. Enter the "car wash", which is really the entrance to the tunnel, and before you know it: the Cape in all its snobby, seedy beauty.