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Tuesday, January 6, 2026, 20:37 (UTC)
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BREAKING NEWS: Trump and Team America kidnap Maduro!
  WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following air strikes on Caracas and the successful capture of Venezuelan president Nicolás Maduro, Donald Trump was given yet another Nobel Peace Prize for his commendable work of putting an end to the war he started approximately three hours ago. Chief of Staff Susie Wiles has reportedly lamented the lack of shelf space to store all of Trump's numerous Nobel Peace Prizes (all of them legitimate and certified Swedish), and Marco Rubio was even seen pacing the grounds of what was once the White House Rose Garden, masturbating furiously to an AI-generated image of Havana burning. "Since Putin wasn't playing ball, I couldn't stop that crazy war in Ukraine. If I wanted to be the most peaceful president of all time, I had to end as many wars as possible, and you can't end any wars if you don't start them!" Trump stated in a later press conference. "It's okay to start a war if you end it on the first day!"  Caracas, VENEZUELA — At around 2:00 VET this morning, President of the United States Donald Trump decided to trump out a colossal, 30-minute-long malodour during a sojourn to the airspace of the Venezuelan north whilst naked and hanging onto a rope attached to a helicopter embellished with his own name. This transpired after his downing five bowls of pabellón criollo at a restaurant in the vicinity while accompanied by a horde of military generals on an arduous quest to hold Venezuelan Führer Nicolás Maduro hostage.  KANSAS CITY, Missouri — Holy smokes. They actually did it. In a move so baffling or smart we couldn't decide on using a Wizard of Oz "Toto, I guess we're going back to Kansas!" or Taylor Swift "shake it off, shake off the Missouri" reference, or simply saying "yup, this is what Swifties, tearing your starting quarterback's ACL, then your backup QB's ACL, or winning so many fraudulent Super Bowls will do to ya", that NFL team named after Kansas, but based in Missouri's largest city and the world's second largest meth lab, decided to move to the state it was named after to stop confusing everyone.   Walking MAGA meme Elon Musk is urging people to cancel Netflix due to a long-canceled cartoon literally nobody has ever heard of and UnNews can't be bothered to look up. [Dead End: Paranormal Park, you lazy fuck! - Ed.] Musk posted on X: "Cancel Netflix for the health of your kids. Say no to the transgender woke agenda! Besides, there will be nothing worth watching on Netflix within the next three months. Nobody wants to see yet another Frankenstein. Guillermo del Toro peaked with Pacific Rim. And Nightmare Alley was so bad he should've been deported! Like I said, nothing worth watching on Netflix within the next three months. Mark my words!"  TALLAHASSEE, Florida — Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has signed sweeping new legislation intended to help seniors facing financial burdens: a new Florida law will now allow state residents aged 60 and up to hunt, dispatch and extract the skin and organs of young people under the age of 35. Seniors can choose to consume the collagen from the freshly pallid skin of slain zoomers, or harvest and sell their organs for a tidy profit. |
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