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Saturday, July 4, 2020, 10:32 (UTC)
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  [RACIST CITY], [Racist state] -- The inexplicably long-running Fox-Spike-Paramount Network docuseries Cops has been cancelled, 25 years too late. The April 8, 1995 episode of Cops was the last episode that was even remotely watchable, if any of them ever were. I don't remember specifically what happened, but a bunch of stupidity ensued and it was like something out of Jerry Springer.
What brought on the much-belated cancellation of this show that you've long seen in the TV listings and wondered how it was still on the air? Well, to answer that question, have you not seen the shit happening on the news? Not only do we have a President and a virus killing us, but we have pig cops killing blacks, the seminal one being George Floyd.
  LONDON, ENGLAND -- British new wave band The Police announced on Thursday that they are changing their name amidst recent controversies with law enforcement organizations in the United States.
The band, best known for their song “De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da,” will henceforth be simply known as “The.” “We have been very focused on the goings on across the pond,” The’s drummer Stewart Copeland said in an interview. “It has become evident to us that our former band name was a relic of a different time, one before this racial injustice at the hands of the police has come out in the open, and rest assured that we are most certainly not doing this as a publicity stunt.” Sting, known for his role as the former lead singer and bassist of The, his successful solo career following The’s breakup, and his affinity for nude yoga (seriously), revealed that he had chosen the name in 1977 because, to quote him, “I don’t bloody know, it was 43 years ago and I was probably on loads of coke when I did it.” When asked about the current goings on in America, his response was, “What the devil is going on in America?” NEW DELHI, INDIA -- English rock legends Pink Floyd, while visiting India, were killed by the Great COVID-19 Corona Virus Disease Pandemic of 2020. This happened just a few hours ago, while the band were attempting to entertain the infected citizens of India.
Wait, we have new reports coming in. In fact, Pink Floyd were not killed at all by coronavirus; those were fake news. The real news is that an Indian lady monkey clitoris was circumcised by religious fanatics, just for being pink. No way this is for real... let me check that again. Oh, I see. Sorry about that. What REALLY happened is that the movie Joker totally came true. Some racist cop murdered a black rapper for no reason, and the protesters killed Batman's parents in return. That's right. No, I ain't kidding. This black dude was called George Floyd. No English band was killed and no monkey clitoris was cut off. A black man was murdered by the police. Not the band The Police. The actual American police. MADCHESTER, ENGLAND -- The explicably long-running Showtime romantic-espionage-epic drama Homeland has been renewed, 2 months too late. The April 26, 2020 episode of Homeland was the best episode in the 8th season, which was supposed to be the last in the series. It was the best thing I saw since the Sopranos finale and the Dexter finale combined.
What brought on the much-welcomed return of this show that you've long seen in the TV listings and wondered how the fuck you'll survive when it is finally over? The reason is the Manchester music scene, the cradle of such legendary bands as New Order, The Smiths, Oasis & Uncyclopedia favorites, James. The Man scene is mad right now, apparently.
  According to the President's remarks today, the terrorist organization is operating many cells around the world to spread its ideology of death and is using biological weapons against the United States.
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 Horoscopes See all Your horoscope for today: You live by the mantra, "Don't shit where you eat". Now is the time to demand more of yourself, and try and shit more often specifically in the toilet.
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