UnNews:Main Page
(Redirected from Current events)
Jump to navigation
Jump to search
Welcome to UnNews
We don't tap phones, we tap ass.
Monday, January 17, 2022, 01:35 (UTC)
 The Hellenic Republic (or Greece, if you're cool) announced Tuesday that all persons aged 60 or older are required to be vaccinated by January 2022 or else Zeus will "smite" them. The birthplace of democracy, philosophy, mythology and early religion, science, math, wrestling, Trojan condoms and the Olympics is making no bones about where they stand on the vaccine issue.
"Oh my Ares and Athena, what's it gonna take to get through to you people?!!!" pondered Greek Prime Minister Kyriakos Mitsotakis. "I would say it is the price for health. It is also an act of justice for the vaccinated. It's not right that they are deprived of health care services because of some putz. If you're one of those kólos, then may Zeus have mercy on your soul."
 WASHINGTON -- President Biden returned from his colonoscopy Friday -- after having Vice President Harris serve as Acting President for 85 minutes, nearly the length of an SNL episode -- to perform his first turkey pardon, a tradition that dates all the way back to... Bush 41?
Still high off the anesthesia, Biden put in a karaoke CD and told the confused audience, "You might remember this little soft rock hit from 1991." Thinking that the song would be Marc Cohn's "Walking in Memphis," he was delightedly surprised when he instead heard Dolly Parton's classic, "Jolene." "What the fuck?" Biden blurted out into the microphone. "I love this song, too. What the hell, let's sing it." Nashville, Tennessee: Local country girl Jacqueline Rogers recounted her bitter breakup to our UnNews correspondent, for no particular reason other than wanting to let something off her chest that she remembered all too well.
"So like, it started off like any relationship worth a damn starts, right? We're totally head-over-heels for each other, we can't imagine living apart, and we bone like, all the damn time." The UnNews correspondent asked if he was neglectful in using condoms, as that is a common early red flag in relationships. SESAME STREET, New York -- The air is a little less sweet in Sesame Street. The popular HBO/PBS children's show is severing ties with two favorites over their anti-vax beliefs. Sesame Workshop has fired mainstays Oscar the Grouch and Bert for their refusal to comply with the show's strict COVID-19 vaccine mandate.
"We don't care if you're puppets," the Workshop said in a statement, "you have a moral obligation to get this extremely important vaccine so that the next thing we have to worry about is the climate crisis, ending world hunger, billionaires in space, and Kanye."
 Today, we are thrilled to announce Windows 11, which became available on October 5, 2021, will soon be available for purchase in a highly anticipated Justin Bieber edition. This will begin rolling out to eligible Windows PCs that come pre-loaded with Windows 10 for a discounted price. This new Windows experience is designed to bring you closer to what you love: Justin Bieber (the 11 year-old version).
As the personal computer continues to play a more central role in our lives than ever before, and as long as you're not a pedophile, Windows 11 is ready to empower your productivity and inspire your creativity.
|
|
 Write an article! Simply enter the headline in the box below and click the button to create your own UnNews article! |
Headlines Add 
Click a headline to make a story! |
Horoscopes See all
 Your horoscope for today: In this day and age, it is not necessarily appropriate to address your boss as "sir". Especially when she is a lesbian. |
|
| ||
 This day in news...
|
 Stories with Audio |
About UnNews
UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. |
UnNews in other languages
 |
 |
 |
|---|---|---|
| UnNews English |
InciNoticias Español |
UnNews Deutsch |
 |
 |
 |
|---|---|---|
| OnNieuws Nederlands |
NonNews Polski |
Desnotícias Português |
| dÉsinformation Français |
Nonnotizie Italiano |
Nenuntii Latina |
| Psyknyheter Svenska |
Hikinews Suomi |
Ikkenytt Norsk |
| UncikloNews Magyar |
YanHaber Türkçe |
PekeBalita Tagalog |
Sister projects
UnNews is hosted by the Uncyclomedia Foundation, a non-profitable organization that also hosts a range of other projects as well as some foreign language Uncyclopedias and Illogicopedia.
-
UnNews
News unfit for print -
Uncyclopedia
The content-free encyclopedia -
Undictionary
Words are important -
UnTunes
Noise and stuff -
UnGames
Kill a lot of time -
HowTo
Allen wrench not included -
UnBooks
Read at your own risk -
Unquotable
Impress your friends -
Uncycloversity
Spring break all year -
UnPoetia
Dreams deferred -
UnDebate
Debate the irrelevant -
UnScripts
We break legs -
Why?
Because we said so -
UnReviews
Opinions galore -
UnVoyage
No travel necessary -
Uncyclomedia
The Foundation
