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Sunday, November 29, 2020, 01:53 (UTC)
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  USA, AMERICA -- Four years ago felt like the worst year of all time. Such a terrible year full of anomalous events left us feeling that we had nothing worth giving thanks over. As a reflection of this collective mindset, the United States government took the initiative to completely cancel Thanksgivng. "Surely," we all thought, "surely, 2016 will go down as the worst year of our lifetimes."
As the saying goes: Hindsight is 2020.
  After four long nights and three long days, and because the real news outlets are unacceptably slow and lazy like the DMV sloths from Zootopia, it's quite ironic that the news division of a satire wiki has to be the one to call it -- Joe Biden has won the 2020 United States Presidential Election™. With Nevada, Georgia and Pennsylvania as his remaining states, Biden pulled in a staggering 306 total electoral votes to secure his future as the 46th President of the United States of America. This is a mathematical fact. So, Fox News beer-gut racists, don't come bitching to me; blame those pesky mathematical numbers and that evil science.
 WASHINGTON -- Impeached, unseated, soon-to-be-former "president*" Donald Trump is having trouble with nocturnal bloodsuckers.
On November 5, Trump tweeted, "STOP THE COUNT!" While most people assumed he was demanding that states stop counting 2020 election votes, Trump waited until Tuesday to clarify his tweet. In his follow-up tweets, he wrote, "#STOPTHECOUNT! What I meant was, We have to stop the the bloodfuckers, the counts, the vampires in Pennsylvania. Sleepy Joe Biden is being controlled by DARK SHADOWS! We need your help Professer @EddieVanHalen!!!!!!!!" While votes are still being tabulated between Joe Biden and Donald Trump, Thomas E. Dewey — dead since 1971 — has an overwhelming lead over third party candidates such as that kid from that President's Son movie with Sinbad (What was it called? First Kid or something like that?), Jo Jorgensen, Spike, Phil Collins, and literally Cancer, but most notably Kanye West. Kanye didn't take the news lightly.
"Yo! Who the hell loses to a dead guy?" Kanye tweeted Tuesday night, technically 2:30 a.m. Eastern Standard Time, the same time Trump gave his non-concession speech. The tweet has only gotten one like so far, courtesy of former Missouri Governor Mel Carnahan.
  It was just another inconspicuous day when Karen Ronda walked into the Dollar Tree. As soon as Karen stepped through those automatic doors, she wrinkled her nose amidst something most foul. "Ugh," Karen said, disgusted. "What in God's name is that smell?" She looked down and saw to her horror some dark brown substance smeared several places across on the floor near the check-out. Normally, one would give the benefit of the doubt and assume that maybe it was chocolate. Except chocolate doesn't have a stank like this did. There was no doubt about it: Karen was looking directly at human feces smeared on the floor of the Dollar Tree.
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