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Tuesday, July 1, 2025, 23:50 (UTC)
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  Donald Trump, in a move of respect for the kitchen appliance voters, has destroyed regulations for all sorts of things kitchen appliance, appealing to the axiomatic values of this voter population. The specific regulations expunged from the plane of existence are lost to history as the Trump administration used the 5g chips in the covid vaccine to remotely wipe all details of the regulations from the memories of all American citizens.
We at UnNews, however, have realized the blind spot of all other news organizations; they failed to consider that they could just interview the appliances! Getting our information straight from the source, we had ground reporter DWIII interview several kitchen appliances from the Miami-Orlando area. The kitchen appliances gave our reporter anecdotes of having their voltages taxed aggressively under the Biden administration, expressing pure and utter delight upon hearing that the government would "no longer be punishing and stealing from them for expressing their material freedoms," as an interviewee put it.
  VATICAN CITY — White smoke from the Sistine Chapel chimney signaled the coming of a new Pope, elected in a Conclave after the previous guy, Pope Francis, died from second-hand brown lung after meeting Vice-President JD Vance. Vance is already preparing another visit, just in case the new guy is a little too friendly to the "wokies", White House sources say.
Robert Francis Prevost, a native Chicagoan, was chosen to be the new Holy Papa, and has chosen the rather uninspiring Papal name, Leo XIV. He is the first 'Murican Pope. Italian cardinals are now mourning the what will likely be a sudden and precipitous drop in the quality of pizzas in the Vatican. Pope
 HOLLYWOOD -- Comedian Chris Rock has announced that he will be writing, directing, producing and starring in a Vatican sequel to his 2003 political satire Head of State.
"You know, that movie Conclave made a shitload of money and won a fuckton of awards," Rock says, "and it got me thinking, Has there ever been a Black pope? Then I did my research and there wasn't been one since at least the invention of photography. It's speculated we've had three in the last 2,000 years, but n----s didn't have Polaroid or Kodak back then. Shit, that's older than Nosferatu, older than Shakespeare." He added, "I thought back to Head of State and thought to myself, Why don't I go back and do all that same shit in the Vatican? It'd be fucking hilarious!"  WASHINGTON, DC - Long standing
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 Your horoscope for today: You find yourself increasingly repulsed by society's capitalist and materialistic ways, especially when it is your turn to pay for dinner.
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