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Friday, August 8, 2025, 06:38 (UTC)
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BREAKING NEWS: The Ozzman Goeth, Hulk Hogan dies, Down syndrome next
  WASHINGTON -- A week after a devastating jobs report indicating that hiring had slowed down significantly over the past three months - mainly due to tariffs - "President," dementia patient and redacted name in the Epstein files Donald Trump has fired the head of BLS - as in, Black Label Society guitarist Zakk Wylde, formerly of the recently departed Ozzy Osbourne.
"I was this close to getting rock god, Black Sabbath guitarist Tony Iommi, but he politely declined. He kindly showed me one of his finger caps."
 WASHINGTON D.C. — July 26, 2025 — In a striking act of bipartisan celebration, three former U.S. presidents have jointly nominated South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone for the Nobel Peace Prize. The nomination praises the duo’s “relentless dedication to First Amendment values,” spotlighting their cultural impact through decades of fearless satire, unapologetic storytelling, and uncompromising social critique. Barack Obama, George W. Bush, Bill Clinton and the Reagan Presidential Foundation issued the joint statement citing South Park’s now-iconic episode, “Sermon on the ‘Mount,” as “a comedic landmark for freedom of conscience.”
  NEW JERSEY--- Former president Barack Obama told Democrats at a private fundraiser Friday to "toughen up, you fucking pussies!" amid socio-political unrest with dementia-ridden President Trump and his crumbling MAGA movement.
"You need to get off your white pansy asses, man up and do something," Obama said as he took a huge bite out of a gritty chunk of wood and hocked a massive, bloody loogie containing two teeth. "This isn't a fucking Disney movie. We have a Bat Fuck Insane, old-folks-home-patient fascist leading the most powerful nation on Earth. That's shit's alarming. This is the motherfucker with the nuclear codes! He's cozied up to Big Tech cocksuckers like that dumb r----d Elon Musk. Trump is just now trying to act tough and 'stand up' to Putin. Bitch, we can see through that shit! Get better material!," the 44th president added as he chewed on some heavy tobacco and coughed up a lung. Elongated Muskrat has for the umpteenth time opened fire on current President of the United States Grumpy Trumpy, this time over the jaw-dropping $5 trillion debt limit hike baked into the so-called "Big Beautiful Bill" that has passed the Senate today, an act that apparently requires one actual understanding minus one actual understanding of how economics work beyond "big number go up = good".
Naturally, Musk stormed onto 𝕏 to accuse Trump of trying to bankrupt the States faster it takes one Tesla Cybertruck to detonate in front of a condominium skyscraper, imparting his intention to vie against the Annoying Orange himself in the 2028 general election as head honcho of the freshly minted and baked "Porky Pig Party", a deliberately alliterative counterpoint designed to underscore the folly of the Big Beautiful Bill. "Democrats are so dumb, and Republicans are too, and honestly, the whole two-party thing is just prehistoric nonsense", Musk stated in a livestream broadcast from a Cybertruck slowly circling some random pig farm in Texas. "So I figured, what America needs isn't left or right; it's a party that stutters, goes commando, and isn't afraid to throw some crispy bacon into the political grease. If we’re crashing, might as well do it squealing loud".
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