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Tuesday, April 23, 2019, 18:27 (UTC)
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  In light of the recent HBO documentary, Leaving Neverland, James L. Brooks, producer of The Simpsons, has announced that he and the rest of the show's creative team have essentially banned the long-running animated sitcom's beloved 1991 episode "Stark Raving Dad" (Season 3, episode 1), which guest-starred Michael Jackson as a mental patient who thinks he's Michael Jackson. This much-fabled episode was quite meta, as Jackson's involvement was kept secret, but widely speculated both on- and off-screen. He was credited as John Jay Smith and provided only the speaking voice for his character, Leon Kompowsky, while Jackson soundalike and Steve Vai/Daniel Day-Lewis lookalike Kip Lennon handled singing duties.
The HBO documentary features James Safechuck and dancer/choreographer Wade Robson as they accuse Jackson of sexual abuse.
 At a rally in Nebrakansas, Colonel Bernie Sanders promised a crowd of 1,488 stoned cucks, "Fully-automated gay luxury space communism." Sanders barely survived the speech after recent criticism for declining to comment on whether he would like to see the Democratic Party support mandatory daily homosexuality enforced in all public schools.
The Zionist anti-Semitic Jew Sanders also promised his mindless drove of followers "free everything, somehow," and praised Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot, and most controversially, Fareed Zakaria. God Emperor of the United States Donald Frump, seeking re-election after a stunning loss in the popular vote to Empress Hillary Clinton, took to Twitter to criticize the Communist News Network (CNN) and Crazy Bernie.  NORTH KOREA - The People's Republic of North Korea has recently voted in a completely fair and balanced election to separate their land mass from South Korea to form their own island, citing the needs to control North Korea's destiny for years to come. This comes a few days after South Korea stated that they were not going to tolerate North Korea anymore, with South Korea allegedly planning to invade North Korea and purge it of all "corruption and propaganda," according to UnNews sources.
The vote, which has 100% of North Koreans supporting the move, ignited controversy due to the strict rules set by their government. According to various sources, North Koreans were required to make "5 contributions" to North Korean general Kim Jong-un in the form of moves showing "extreme loyalty", which was left undescribed. In addition, they had to do it between January 5th, 2018 and February 26th, 2019 in order for them to be eligible to vote.
  By Sir-Mix-A-Lot. What up, yo? Back in 1992, I famously declared "I like big butts and I cannot lie." Well, guess what? A word to you thick soul sisters, science agrees with me. In fact, those silicone parts really are made for toys. According to a recent study by the University of Oxford, women with bodacious booties are smarter and healthier, plus they're more likely to give birth to smarter children.
  In an explosive decision today, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved the experimental psychoactive drug jenkem for treating clinical depression. The approval comes after years of studies showing the drug's efficacy and has opened the backdoor for the medicinal use of jenkem, which was up until today only obtainable through the brown market.
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 Horoscopes See all Your horoscope for today: They're pinky and the brain, they're pinky and the brain… no, I'm sorry, even if I sing it, I still think it's a weird thing to call your cock and balls.
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